[Nicola_Red]

Okay, this is annoying me so I need some opinions on a dilemma:

A friend proposed to his gf on Christmas Day. I care a lot about him, but I don't see him in person often, and I've never met her (they live at the other end of the country). He and I had a short but fairly intense affair about 5yrs ago, while she was living abroad. I also know that he's cheated on her fairly extensively with other women, although not very recently. I never expected for a second that I'd be invited to the wedding, but he's told me he wants me to go. Should I go?

[Yudster]

You should be asking HIM this question, and explaining to him why you want to know. The only person who can give you reassurance that he is doing the right thing, or confirmation that he is not, is him. I'm not saying you should challenge him with an accusation, just say that you were a bit taken aback because - and say what you said there. Tell him you just want to feel completely comfortable about being part of it, not that you suspect it ought not to be happening.

[Nicola_Red]

Yes, yes it is

I am gonna have to ask him, cos I have already said to him that I'd never expect to be invited (thinking at that point that he never would), and that's when he said "I want you there". I guess he's thinking that he'll invite his friends and I'm a friend - but he's obviously much more able to forget about his past than I am. I love him dearly, but I don't think she should marry him cos I don't think he'll ever stop cheating. I'm very conflicted about it.

[Yudster]

Well, all I would say is before you speak to him see if you can work out exactly why you think he shouldn't marry her. I mean is it completely that you don't think he'll ever stop cheating, or is there a dog-in-a-manger element there - ie is it that you don't want to see him "belonging" to someone else, even if you haven't got him. If there's even the teensiest element of the second then you shouldn't go in my opinion, because it gives you an agenda - however remote the possibility that you would ever act on it - within someone else's marriage. Whatever your friend might think, it wouldn't be right by the woman he is marrying.

[bmstinton93]

Go and reveal all at the, "Does anyone have any objections" part. It will be just like a soap opera...

[Nicola_Red]

It really would. And it's so tempting!

Nah, seriously. I just don't think he's marriage material. I think he wants to be, but the part of him that wants to at least flirt, if not physically cheat, with other women isn't just gonna disappear when he walks up the aisle. But maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want him to belong to someone else - I'm not entirely sure.

[Bas]

It really would. And it's so tempting!

Nah, seriously. I just don't think he's marriage material. I think he wants to be, but the part of him that wants to at least flirt, if not physically cheat, with other women isn't just gonna disappear when he walks up the aisle. But maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want him to belong to someone else - I'm not entirely sure.

Say you'll go, then fall 'ill' a day or so beforehand & not make it. He doesn't feel let down & you don't have to spend the entire farce drinking heavily while trying to bite your tongue.

[Boboff]

Give us a clue Nik, what answer are you looking for? I would hate to pick the wrong one and upset you!

Lol!

Umm, well I would guess that as he is a cheat he is looking for some rom com fantasy where you turn up and look deeply into his eyes and you both decide that he's made the wrong decision and it's you he really wants after all.

or

He might like you, miss you, like to see you, and the wedding provides you with an opportunity to see each other, no other Agenda or meaning.

Either way surely the only issue is how YOU feel about him, if you still want him to be more than a friend then stay away, and let him know why, if your cool, then go?

[Nicola_Red]

Oy you, no 'lol'-ing

It's not just about whether I'm still attracted to him though, it's about whether it's appropriate for me to be there, and whether he'll be upset if I don't go. I think Bas' solution sounds like a good one, but would he see through it?

[chrysostom]

Remember that weddings cost quite a bit per person, so you could be costing him upwards of £100 by cancelling, plus it's quite an annoyance in terms of planning for the day.

I would say that if you don't agree with the wedding itself, think she shouldn't marry him and are willing to turn the invitation down - you should probably steer clear of the wedding. It would be nothing but an emotional hotbed for you, with a free bar.

While there's a duty to look out for you fellow (wo)man in society - unless your emotional connection extends to her - i'd say it's not your worry if their marriage will go well for her. If it doesn't then they'll do whatever they see fit - but maybe he can change...or maybe she can learn to deal with his faults?

ps. I'm annoyed that I'm back at work. I don't want to work 8.30-5.30, Monday to Friday. i want to be 10-5, 4 days a week in a much more creative atmosphere. This is what I'll be working towards in 2012 (might as well be ambitious).

[Nicola_Red]

No, I have no emotional connection to her. I do kinda feel sorry for her, but I've never met her, so it's not really a factor. I do think it's probably best I don't go, it's just how to tell him without ending up going down the "I think your marriage is a farce" route. This is the third time this 'can't go to a wedding cos I've slept with the groom' has come up recently...thankfully in the other cases it was before the bride was on the scene, but still...

[Nicola_Red]

And as we all know, that's the worst kind.

[Bonanzoid]

Just tell him the truth, that it'd be inappropriate for you to go. Bosh. Job done.

[Johnny 1989]

What's the point in one if you don't have a HD ready tv?

It was more to do with the current DVD Recorder I have has been playing up of recent & I didn't see the point of buying a new DVD player when I could get a Blu-Ray player. Thanks for the advice on the adapter Bas but I think that considering the age of the TV (10-12 years old) I may as well wait until I've got a new TV first and then get one, I'll probably get on later this year.

[Johnny 1989]

No, I have no emotional connection to her. I do kinda feel sorry for her, but I've never met her, so it's not really a factor. I do think it's probably best I don't go, it's just how to tell him without ending up going down the "I think your marriage is a farce" route. This is the third time this 'can't go to a wedding cos I've slept with the groom' has come up recently...thankfully in the other cases it was before the bride was on the scene, but still...

I think you'd be best not going, although I can see why it's a difficult decision not going, it's putting you in a really awkward position though I just hope he understands when you say you can't go.

[Boboff]

You have got to admire this blokes balls mind!

[bmstinton93]

Nicola did exactly that...!

[Nicola_Red]

Nicola did exactly that...!

I just almost snorted whilst on the phone to a customer when I read that.

He texted me about an hour ago asking to see some, er, adult photos he knows I have. I think it's safe to say he's in no danger of stopping the flirting just yet...

[dreamer1978]

I am annoyed at the damage that the storm forced winds that have caused me.

[MK Chris]

Oh so that's why Tunbridge Wells was trending earlier - yep, pretty horrid.

[Bonanzoid]

Nicola did exactly that...!

He texted me about an hour ago asking to see some, er, adult photos he knows I have. I think it's safe to say he's in no danger of stopping the flirting just yet...

And he's engaged to someone else? He sounds like a dick.

[Yudster]

I think that's given.

[Nicola_Red]

Yeah...he is to her. I love him, but like I said, she shouldn't be marrying him. I do wonder if one day she'll find it all out, like a timebomb waiting to go off.

[bmstinton93]

She will if she's a member of this site.

[chrysostom]

Well, no names have been mentioned.

Nic, just make sure that there's no evidence to tie you to any potential downfall. I've got a friend who I know cheats on his girlfriend - and even though it's sad I see that it's not my place to interfere as I don't know her well. I get angry/annoyed about it, and I try to nudge him toward doing the correct thing - but there's not much more that I'm entitled to do.

In a different scenario, If it was my brother-in-law then I'd have a vested interest as it would be hurting my sister and be disrespectful to her. In your scenario the disrespect which he's showing his fiancee isn't really enough to upset/anger you.

At the end of the day, sometimes deception is necessary to maintain someone else's happiness - you just have to be (to an extend) a very cold person to go through with it.

Sadly, marriage is no longer perceived as a 'life long' commitment, as it once was. If it's destined to fail, then whilst sad - it's not the end of the world for her.