The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
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1) Coldplay - Talk, 7AM NEWSBEAT, 2) Foo Fighters - Best of You, 3) Mark Ronson featuring Nate Dogg - Ooh Wee, 4) Strokes - Juicebox, 7:30 NEWSBEAT, 5) Feeder - Buck Rogers, 6) Notorious BIG - Nasty Girl, 7) Shayne Ward - That's My Goal, 8AM NEWSBEAT, 9) Pink - Get This Party Started, 10) Franz Ferdinand - Walk Away, 11) Young Jeezy Featuring Akon - Soul Survivor, 8:30 NEWSBEAT, 12) Kanye West featuring Adam Levine - Heard 'Em Say, 13) Herd & Fitz featuring Abigail Bailey - I Just Can't Get Enough, 14) TEDIOUS LINK: Prodigy - No Good (Start the Dance), 15) Hi Tack - Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U) 16) Gorillaz - Dirty Harry, 9:30 NEWSBEAT, 17) Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now, 18) Beyoncé - Check On It, 19) Meck - Thunder in My Heart

The Saviour is back
Moyles is back ladies and gentlemen, and what better way to kick off the first Chris Moyles of 2006 with a great big boasting fanfare and a brief history?

Two years ago, the bosses at radio one decided it was time for a change, and told us we'd have to start getting up early in the morning for the good of the nation... They told us to go forth and multiply the listening figures so that one day, everybody would listen to Radio 1 and local radio would be little more than dieing artform. We didn't just multiply those listening figures, we blew the god damn roof off the joint, and we ain't stopping here! This ain't no short term fix! This is the future! This is the show that you wanted, and we gave it to you, now we're back for more! Christmas is over, a New Year had dawned and it's time to get back to work... So from all of us here at The Chris Moyles Show, it's business as usual! LET'S ROCK!

So after the brief introduction from Paul, it's on with the part of the show you've all been waiting for.... New Jingles:

Good Morning everybody, welcome to a brand new year,
Cos Chris is back at Breakfast so let everybody cheer!
We kinda changed some features, but that really shouldn't matter,
The only thing that's really changed is Chris has got much fatter!
The Chris Moyles Show, ''ey Fatty Bum Bum' International Radio One.


Chris starts the show with the Good Morning treacle we'd grown acustom to over the last week under the reign of Lord Mills as well as a hello from Dave & Rachel. Thank the lord, the Chris Moyles Show is back!

On the outro to Coldplay's Talk:
Chris: Radio One, where you're always two songs away from another massive long link of speech
Team Laughs

Chris says how he's enjoyed his 2 week break but is equally glad to be back, Dom's still got an egg for a head, Carrie's had a bit of a problem with the fake tan this morning (in that her hands and face are a different colour - why you need a tan when you work on the radio is beyond me), Jocelin is still fairly quiet, as is Rachel (probably not for long), and the team are all set for a brand new year of great radio and good times. Plus, to show how nothing ever changes, they're 2 and a half minutes late for the news and the Radio 1 Christmas tree is still in the studio. Chris says he's not trained to be able to remove the tree so it's not his problem, and therefore not his bad luck.

Local Radio and even more Jingles
So Chris is back with the 'new' jingles although it's plain to see that they're just the New York ones brought back again - you just knew they'd have to play them more to get their money's worth!

Chris has been listening to Local radio during his time offair over the last few weeks and has found a new BBC local station which he is particularly fond of. BBC Radio Sheffield is his station of choice because its like they havent moved on since 1965 - Everyone has accents, they read the newspapers and have crazy callers on the air. Dave rang up BBC Radio Stoke while on the M6 the other week where they did a phone in on the Most Expensive Film ever played. Unfortunately, his entry of Wallace and Gromit never made the airwaves.

13 minutes into the show and football is hot topic amongst the team. Kiddeminster won their game at the weekend against Woking although Rachel didn't seem to know. She did know, however, that they had a new manager.

Rachel: They've got a new manager now.
Chris: Oh have they finally got one? Is it you?
Rachel: No, I didn't get an interview.
Chris: Can't Believe that.

Everton drew at the weekend against Millwall, Leeds drew against Wigan, Chelsea beat the mighty Huddersfield and Liverpool (whilst under the watchful eye of Dominic Byrne) won too. Although there was confusion as to why Onslo (the fat greasy fellow) from Keeping Up Appearances was playing for the team, it of course wasn't Onslo, but star of the Liverpool squad, Xabi Alonso. Oh, and it wasn't Gonzo from the muppets either. Chris has a present for Dom, who wonders if its his overdue birthday present. Chris says he already had his birthday present, the fact that he's still on the show. The present was indeed a new jingle as promised before the Christmas break. To add to the now prestigious Chris Moyles Show jingle club, with members including David O Leary and James Beatty, there is now a 'Good Morning' jingle for Peter Crouch who scored during their game against Bolton the week before. Sticking with the ever popular football theme, Dave shared his new chant which he learnt whilst on the train the other day:

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Gonzo - the new signing at Liverpool this New Year

'He's *something*, he's red, his feet stick out the bed, Peter Crouch'

Chris tried to guess the missing word thinking of 'lanky' and 'tall'. Dave said it was an anagram of the word HITS. Dom being as foolish as ever suggested it might be 'Hips'. Get with it Dom...

Sticking with the jingle, Chris reckons that they have special magic powers when a celebrity has a jingle made for them. Ever since the David O Leary Jingle was made, Aston Villa appear to be improving. David also bumped into Frank Lampard who apparently wants his own jingle made (as if he needs the luck). Carrie supports Frank's claim for a jingle and Chris quoted a conversation between Frank and David where all Frank does is murmors and stutters. Chris says that Frank doesnt deserve a jingle as he hasn't done anything special for the show. David O Leary has made Moyles his number 1 choice at breakfast time, James Beatty won on the 'Whoever scores next for Everton' clause and Peter Crouch got one because Chris said he should score. Carrie has found a problem though, with Frank Lampard scoring in almost every match, it would be too easy to just give him a jingle for scoring. Dave reckons that if he can sort the whole team out with tickets for the German World Cup he can get his jingle then. Chris adds he can have a fully brassed up jingle for that, or even his own show as Dom and Carrie suggest. But, there's more, while Peter Crouch was having his name immortalised in jingle format, Chris decided to have an extra one made, who could it be - none other than 'Buchos Buchos Garli' - playing for Torquay now apparently.

Good morning to you everyone wherever you may be,
We're live onair each morning on the lovely BBC!
We entertain you everyday, we hope that you agree,
We're such value for money that we're worth the Licensce Fee!
The Chris Moyles Show, 'Pay Your Licensce Fee!', International Radio 1!


New Year: New You
So it's the third year of the Chris Moyles Show at breakfast which Chris and Dave seemed to find rather scary, but great at the same time. Chris makes the joke that they're one of the longest running Radio 1 Breakfast Shows already - the trouble is, its not a joke. They've outlasted Kevin & Zoe's double act stint, Mark and Lard (doesn't take much to beat them), Sara Cox and Rajesh Mirchendani (News every 5 minutes) although by herself, Sara did quite a few years. Rachel made the point that after 2 full years of doing the Breakfast Show, they were still getting on.

Chris asked everyone how their Christmas had been. Rachel thought she'd had a month off and Chris was incredibly bored due to the fact that he hadn't had a drink since the 2nd January (uh-oh... here comes another round of detox). Before he started his detox, Chris had used Google Earth to plot the route from his house to the kebab shop, working out how far it would take him. It's half a mile, which Chris claims as part of his fitness regime. Dave disagrees, saying you can't count walking to the kebab shop for a kebab, exercise, even if it is up a hill. Today is a full week since Chris has started his detox, which is good for Radio 1's 'Be Fabulous' campaign. Rachel's detox starts today, as does Dave's. They say they're not doing the detox as seriously as before, but who knows!?

Chris also had a scale complaint this morning. Apparently, Richard, the jingle man has magic scales which make you lose half a stone. Unfortunately for Richard, there's nothing magical about his scales, they're just out by half a stone, and instead of losing weight, he's put some on over Christmas. Dave says that it doesnt matter with scales as it's relative, as long as you use the same pair of scales each time. Chris doesn't like using scales as you have to balance on them for ages, and they make you sweat.

Chris claims he's going to do a whole month off beer and a bit of exercise too. Last year, after he managed to complete his detox stint, Chris wanted to carry on drinking water for the days to come. Dave wasn't having any of it and forced lager down his throat. While Chris is giving it a month off, Dave only expects to last until Friday... oh well.

New and Improved One Road Travel + More Detox Fun
One Road Travel received a make over this morning:

Beep Beep! New and Improved, One Road Travel, with fabolous Dominic Bryne!

Now, the One Road travel is chosen by you, the listener. Today's One Road Travel came from Keith Bradshaw who's a farmer and 25. His choice is Wick Road, near Bridgend, where there's a tractor in the layby, and its very dark.

You can choose the road you want for One Road Travel by texting to 81199, starting your message with the letters 'ORT' (because that stands for One Road Travel). Simply include your chosen road, name and where you're from - age is optional. One Road Travel : Possibly one of the craziest features on the show.

Dom's going on the detox for a bit too, whilst keeping his walking going. Carrie doesn't need to detox according to Chris but she say's she'll try and lead a healthier lifestyle with more running, healthy eating and cutting down on the drinking. Chris says she should drink wine out of normal sized glasses as apposed to fish bowls with straws. Carrie says its more fun with the fish bowl, not sure if the fish would agree. Doctor Mark from Sunday Surgery is popping in later on to help guide the team through their detox. Dave's membership at the leisure club is up so Chris invited Dave to play badminto at the local Chav centre, as long as they don't leave things in the lockers. Dave wants to try Badminton on Quad Bikes too but Chris doesn't think it's a good idea in case of a recurring Ozzy Osbourne incident.

We ate Mince Pies and drank some booze, yes Christmas time is Great,
But now we're on a detox cos Chris wants to lose some weight!
He'll lose hsis big fat belly and he'll get a smaller bum,
And by the time it's over he'll look just like Will Young!
The Chris Moyles Show, International Radio 1!


Celebrity Tarzan
Yesterday's Weather, unfortunately didn't make it through the new year. In it's place, theres a far more interactive element of the show, 'Celebrity Tarzan'. Cue, yet another new jingle:

Let's Play the Game that will make you think,
Who needs Millionaire? or the Weakest Link?!
Prizes to be won, and fun for everyone!
You can play it if you're old, or even if you're young!
It's time for you to win some stuff,
Chart CDs, or Office Scuff.
Some Cakes or Buns, or Marzipan,
If you can Guess who is our, Celebrity Tarzan!
Celebrity Tarza-a-a-a-an!


Chris plays a cry of someone pretending to be Tarzan, recorded by a celebrity. As with all the other Moyles features, people were ringing in before the competition was started. Dave and Chris don't even know who today's celebrity Tarzan is, only Rachel does. She gives a thumbs up if the caller is right, thumbs down if they're down.

Chris: The good thing about thumbs is that they're silent. We Really want to see those thumbs, but we don't want to hear them!

Today's celebrity was tough, although some members have already guessed correctly over on our forum. The prize for guessing correctly and winning the game is the number 1 album in the chart, this week of course being The Strokes with 'First Impressions of Earth'. Callers have until after the news to ring in and identify the mystery Celebrity in Celebrity Tarzan.

Once again, as with Sting Ring (which has now unfortunately left the show), the name of the feature came from a listener during the big idea-athon last year in which the team asked for the listeners to text in suggestions for new features they could try out. Dave said they shouldn't credit the listener who made the idea, Rachel believes they should. Chris asked if the Celebrity Tarzan was Bradley Walsh.

Chris: Oh You can't say who it is can you?
Rachel: I Just Say with the Thumbs.

There is a flaw with the rollover system that they've put in place with the prizes. If the prize rollsover to next week - what will they add to the prize stash as the chart positions obviously change. Chris said he'd be happy if the feature lasted a week.

After the news, time for the contestants. Today it's Natalie Beresford from Tunbridge Wells. Unfortunately, Natalie's guess of Zoe Ball was incorrect which means they give away two CDs on tomorrows show.

Chris received stick from the listeners for the shoddy work that had been done on the outro for the Celebrity Tarzan jingle. There were several people texting in with alternative lyrics which rhymed better than Chris' original choice. As he explained however, they weren't going to have an outro originally, it was only at the actual Jingle recording session where he came up with the idea. He couldn't concentrate and hence they made 'win' try to rhyme with 'tarzan'. Chris and Dom love the feature, but it was up for some stick by some listeners who said it sounded like Local Radio. Dom called it 'pish' which for some bizarre reason made Dave's face red. Go figure...

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Who was today's Tarzan? Tune in tomorrow to have a chance to win

The First Guess Who of 2006, yet again... more Detox... and Cinema Issues
Dave had the honour of the first guess who of 2006. The mystery person was soptted my Mr Vitty in Central London, Saturday afternoon around 1:15pm, although the time isn't actually important. Rachel started saying 'I never get to go first' even though she always says that week in week out, and ends up going first. Its a man, in the world of music, not in a group, not Shayne Ward, a solo artist, around at the moment, British, with a big hit single recently and a friend of the show. Dom guesses correctly with 'Will Young'. Which was followed by amazement by the rest of the team as to how Dom had managed to guess who so quickly. Apparently, Will Young called out for Dave at some traffic lights whilst in a limo. They had a chat while the lights were at red, then he sped off. Will was in the back of said limo with his assistant. Chris encountered a similar situation before Christmas with Eamon Holmes. Chris appealed to the celebrities of Great Britain to stop their cars if they see any of the members of the Chris Moyles Show and say hello to them. Jay Kay from Jamiroquai has already jumped the 'Say Hello to the Chris Moyles Show' bandwagon, saying hello to Dave while we was driving. Chris told the Chelsea boys to do the same if they saw Carrie and maybe even give her a lift. Cue more impressions of Frank Lampard from Dave.

Dave (as Frank Lampard): Superlift. We Love it.

Doctor Mark was on his way into the building and the team went back to their mundane Detox chat. Chris said he thought it must be hard for people like Michael Barrymore and Robbie Williams, not to be able to touch a drink. Wise words from the Saviour. He says most people have a glass of something some time throughout the week and to not be able to do that must be incredibly hard. If you look up Fabulous in the dictionary you'll see a picture of Mark Hamilton apparently.

Chris went to the cinema the other day and asked for people to text in if they had gone to the cinema to see Brokebank Mountain but it was full so they had to choose something else to see that they didn't really want to. Chris wanted to see The Producers instead. Unfortunately the times were wrong, so he saw the new film with Woody Allen in, 'Match Point'. Pish apparently - the best bit was the wet t-shirt scene with Scarlett Johannson in where you could see her nipples. Chris will see 'Breakdance Mountain'instead - but the listeners were texting in saying it was rubbish too. Dave went to the cinema once, only to find that there was nothing on he wanted to see, so turned straight back home. Clever.

After the 8:30 news, a lot of text reaction came through agreeing with Chris saying that the Woody Allen film was rubbish.

Dominic and Carrie, have got your news and sport,
They get their stories from Ceefax, let's hope they don't get caught.
Carrie's queen of sport, and Dom's the best Newsreader,
Together in the morning, they're your Information Leaders!
The Chris Moyles Show, Dom has got an egg head! International Radio One


Doctor Doctor

Chris: Look Up Fitness in the dictionary and there's a picture of [Dr Mark] pointing at somebody!

Time for more detox on Radio 1 (yay). Last year, Chris and Aled lost 1 Stone, Dave lost 10 pounds and Carrie lost 1 pound (probably down the back of the sofa). Dave asked if Detox was a waste of time to which Dr Mark replied, 'Yes' - then why are we here then!? Chris has the new Davina work out DVD as he finds Davina as an achievable goal, even while she's married. Non Excersie Activity (posh word for walking) is Mark's top tip where you walk that little bit extra, perhaps getting off the bus a stop or two early, for Aled, forgetting to record the West Wing, for Dave, writing a cheque and for Dom, looking in the mirror as he prepares to become 40. Some of the team has set goals for themselves:

Rachel, will lose her spare tyre around her waist in time for the Germany trip (supposedly so she can play in the World Cup).
Chris, is stopping his takeaways and cooking for himself when Sophie's not around - it's better having Beans on Toast rather than a Curry everynight according to Chris.

Dom had a question for Mark, he would like more energy from his diet. By cutting down on fatty foods and doing more exercise, he gets more energy. Aled had a poorly back and asked how to have exercise while having a bad back. Swimming is good for that, even if Aled can't swim. Chris thinks it will make a good feature though 'Learning to Swim with Aled'. Unfortunately, eating a Mars Bar while being wrapped in Cling Film (like in The Full Monty) doesnt work.

Thankfully Mark won't be popping in as often as he did last year for updates, partly due to his high fee and the stingy BBC. Chris says they should close some unncecessary stations down.

Chris: Woman's Hour? That's Sexist - Where's Men's Hour? The Today programme on Radio 4 - that's just our show with more interviews and less music. We've got to keep the old people and posh people happy though.

Chris had also come up with a new name for the Radio 1 campaign this New Year. Instead of 'Be Fabulous', it should be 'Be Flab-u-less'. The Team loved his idea. Rachel wanted to take before and after pictures like they do on This Morning. Chris didn't like the idea of seeing Rachel in a Bikini. Chris pledged allegiance to the campaign with the Be Fabulous Promise. Aled had a problem with learning to swim in that he's allergic to chlorine and he can't go in the sea (not the fact that he lives in London) but the fact that it stings. Chris suggested Aled should ride Chris in the swimming pool 'Free Willy Style' - an international best seller apparently. During the link Chris managed to lose 2 records during the link, so a good start to the new campaign!

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Detox fun, once again...

Tedious Link & Half Time
Bing Crosby's Silent night is a song you'd associate with Christmas. Christmas is a time for giving presents. Presents are traditionally stored under a tree. Tree's have roots. Roots rhymes with boots which are what you wear on your feet. Feet is an imperial unit of measurement as are inches and pounds. Pounds sterling is the unit of currency in Great Britain. Great Britain is a collection of islands now joined to mainland Europe via the Channel Tunnel. A tunnel is something that would be ordinarily very dark. Dark is a word associated with chocolate. Chocolate contains a lot of sugar. Excess sugar and chocolate consumption can make you fat. The Fat Of The Land is the name of the 1997 album from The Prodigy and before the release of The Fat of the Land, The Prodigy produced several other great records with one of the best in my opinion being No Good (Start the Dance) which links us to this morning's first one fo January Tedious Link Offering, it is The Prodigy and No Good (Start the Dance).

Tedious Problems and the all Important Celebrity Ratings

Well, no problems as such to report today although Aled came close to mentioning a problem but refrained due to Dave not being in the best of moods. Aled claimed that Great Britain didn't include Northern Island and was therefore just one island (even though there are several islands including Shetland, Hebrides etc...).

David Beckham.......... Rubbish
Ozzy Osbourne (Joel)... Sucks


Onto today's ramble which featured one topic in particular, Celebrity Big Brother.

First of all, Aled gave the all important review of Brokeback Mountain as discussed earlier on the show. He thought it would be more explicit but said that Chris and the team would love it. They're organising a trip although Dave can't go Thursday as he is busy. Wednesday is a possibility though.

Big Brother then, Aled thinks Barrymore will win, with Chris agreeing and adding Pete Burns. He hates Faria Alam because she said she doesn't want to be famous - only want the public to like her. He doesn't consider Traci Bingham to be a celebrity either as nobody remembers her from Baywatch. Chris finds Michael Barrymore entertaining, Pete Burns hilarious, Maggot hasn't done much for Chris, neither has Preston. Chris thinks theres a hidden agenda with George Galloway - Aled agrees, yet Rachel isn't sure that it's hidden. Chris finds Chantelle brilliant, thinks Rula will be in it for ages and finds Dennis arrogant. Chris wants people to boo Faria when she is evicted from the show which will hopefully be soon.

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Yeah drackie, it's Big Brother again

Cue Rachel with her new end of Ramble phrase 'The Lines are open for Beep Beep Busters, You need to be in a Car, have a horn to beep on, and not be stupid. Call now for Beep Beep Busters!'

Beep Beep Busters

Around the World from London, we broadcast everywhere,
We Love you Where ever you are, we really do not care!
In Canada, Australia, in Scotland or Penzance,
We Love all of our listeners, yes, even those in France!
The Chris Moyles Show, 'Hohi Hohi Hohee', International Radio 1!


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Now Time for the main event, Beep Beep Busters which was promised beforehand, would be better than King of Tickets. The game is essentially Bob Holness' Television Blockbusters, adapted for the radio - just one catch - there's no Bob, instead... It's Roy Walker! He's back with new phrases and ready for a good conversation with the team. The first ever contestants on Beep Beep Busters are Brian from Chester who's actually Welsh and works for a bank. His mascot is Henry Hound. on Line 2, it's Nick from London who's a landscape gardener who works for himself. His mascot is Tommy the Tiger - he's grrrrrrrrrrrreat!. The first contestant to score 3 points gets to play the Golden round.

P) What P is the Christian name that links Simon and Daniels? [Paul] - Brian scores 1.
H) What H is the first name of the Husband of former Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy? [Harry] - Nick scores 1.
W) What W is the surname of Cat Slater Actress Jessie? [Wallace] - Brian scores 2.
T) What T is the name of the now common placed household device invented by Scotsman, John Logey Baird? [Television] - Brian scores 3 and wins the game.

Chris: Don't worry, Nick, nobody goes home empty handed.... Oh wait, they do cause we've got no budget.

Chris cuts Nick off the line as Brian steps up to the G spot for the Golden Round. Gold to Gold, in 30 seconds or less to become the Beep Beep Busters champion.

MB) Which MB is the desperate former telly presenter who's hoping that Big Brother will make everything 'alwight'? [Michael Barrymore]
CK) Which CK is the former Liberal Democrat leader who's admitted to having a booze problem? (Charles Kennedy]
JKAJ) What JKAJ are Radio 1's early morning equivalent of the Chuckle Brothers? [JK and Joel]
JAP) Which JAP are the celebrity couple who got married last year? She's got mega boobs and he's got a six-pac? [Jordan and Peter]
TT) What TT are set for a huge tour in the summer without their mate Robbie? [Take That]

And with that, it's Beep Beep Busters for Brian who becomes the first winner on the show. He now comes back on tomorrows show to play for a chance to hold his title of Beep Beep Busters' Champion.

Roy: So, til next time, from all of us, to all of you, Goodbye!

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Say Goodbye, Mr Walker - He's Grinning

And that's it - the first in hopefully a long line of reviews to come on the site, Don't forget you can leave comments on any of the shows or reviews this week by clicking here - you don't have to be a member of the board either. Till next time, bye!

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