The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris

1. Elton John - Are You Ready For Love, 2. Outkast - Hey Ya, 3. Chris Martin - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, 4. Rachel Stevens - Sweet Dreams My LA-Ex, 5. Blu Cantrell feat Sean Paul - Breathe, 6. Dido - Life For Rent, 7. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded, 8. Jason Nevins feat Holly James - I’m In Heaven, 9. Beyonce feat Jay Z - Crazy In Love, 10. East 17 - Stay Another Day, 11. Bhangra Nights Vs Husan - Bhangra Nights, 12. Ultrabeat - Feelin' Fine, 13. Busted - Year 3000, 14. Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities (Live Lounge 4/4/03), 15. Pink - Trouble, 16. Girls Aloud - Jump 5:30 NEWSBEAT 17. The Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up, 18. Kylie Minogue - Slow, 19. Athlete - Westside (Live Lounge 17/7/03), 20. Muse - Hysteria, 21. Holly Valance - State Of Mind, 22. Nelly Furtado - Powerless, 23. Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage, 24. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body, 25. Robbie Williams - Sexed Up, 26. The Pogues feat Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale Of New York, 27. No Doubt feat Bounty Killer - Hey Baby, 28. The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't let the bells end), 29. Daniel Bedingfield - Never Gonna Leave Your Side (Live Lounge 16/7/03), 30. Panjabi MC - Mundian To Bach Ke, 31. Travis - Re-Offender, 32. Sean Paul - Gimme The Light, 33. Sugababes - Too Lost In You, 34. RADIO 1 DJs SONG - 12 Days To Christmas, 35. Bo! Selecta - Proper Crimbo, 36. Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independent, 37. Feeder - Just The Way I’m Feeling (Live Lounge 2/5/03) 7:30 NEWSBEAT 38. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 39. Stereophonics - Handbags & Gladrags, 40. Atomic Kitten feat Kool & The Gang - Ladies Night, 41. Mr Reds Vs DJ Scribble - Everybody Come On (well 1 min 13 secs of it anyway - Scott Mills Backtime Special)

After just short of three weeks off the air, Chris was back (albeit on tape) for a four hour marathon Christmas special. Unlike the Christmas Show of 2000, Chris decided against admitting it was pre-recorded and pretended he was live, although it was hardly difficult to pick up on the fact he wasn’t as Chris cued all of his trails with the words “Radio 1” (including one 15 second pause when whoever was playing the show out forgot to play a trail on cue). He also didn’t tell the time or introduce the newsreaders - and had already admitted on the air previously he would be in Leeds on Christmas Day as he finished work on December 23rd. (I think the show was recorded on Sunday afternoon BTW as there were a few references to Nemone who would have been on the air at the time). Anyway, the show was undoubtedly one of the best of the year, mainly down to the fact that Chris and Dave sounded completely bladdered for the most part.

Dave started as he meant to go on by reciting the lyrics to Silent Night in the first link, unfortunately though he had forgot most of them and stopped at the line “round young virgins”. Chris said the fact they were round probably had a lot to do with the fact that they were virgins. Dave said he has gone off Christmas since he found out that Father Christmas doesn’t really exist and doesn’t stop at his flat each Christmas Eve. Chris said that that was probably because he has to climb 16 floors and Dave lives in a rough area. Chris said Dave was talking rollocks anyway as he heard Santa slip down the stairs in his flat last night. Dave was curious to how and why Santa would have slipped down the stairs and asked Chris if he had slipped on a mince pie. This link kinda gave away the fact that neither was completely sober straight away. Chris also asked how he had been persuaded to broadcast for four hours on Christmas day as he’s never done a four hour show in his life. I’m thinking the big cheque and the offer of a pre-record swung it perhaps.

Chris played a selection of Christmas hits including Ultrabeat, Panjabi MC, 50 Cent, Bhangra Nights, Sean Paul and of course the seasonal classic Sweet Dreams My Lapland-Ex by Rachel Stevens (as entitled ingeniously by Dave). When Chris did play a festive tune though he ripped the pee out of Chris Martin’s last note in his version of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. He also played the undisputed daddy of all Christmas songs from The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl. Chris plugged the fact that Shane MacGowan from The Pogues will be on Jools Hollands Annual Hootenanny this New Years Eve on BBC2. Dave said “Hootenanny” over and over and Chris said he made it sound like a big breasted childminder. Chris will be part of Hogmanay Live on New Years Eve, beginning on BBC1 at 11.50. Chris said hello to all the listeners who were listening to the show while driving, relaxing on the sofa, cooking, washing up or maybe eating:

Chris - Maybe your just shoving a bit of meat into your gob......calm down Aled
(Dave laughs loudly)

Throughout the show Chris played some of ”the best bits of 2003” and ironically was looking backwards, not forwards. There was dream sequence intros into old interview clips on the show of Beyonce (4th July), Badly Drawn Boy (4th April) and Justin (or JT to Chris - 7th May). There was also live lounge tracks from Badly Drawn Boy, Athlete, Daniel Bedingfield and Feeder. It is the first Christmas with Rachel as producer and Chris let her know that his yearly tradition is Christmas presents in January. He then proceeded to take the mick out of her Brummie/West Midlands/Black Country accent. She said it was a Worcestershire accent. Dave attempted the same accent and said “like the sauce”. From here I could hear the sound of radios across the Midlands being turned off. Rachel had decided to put a bit of effort into this half-arsed broadcast and had brought in some Christmas crackers. Rachel pulled Aleds and Dave pulled Chris’s.....good mornin. Dave and Aled won. Dave got a mouth organ/harmonica and Aled a whistle. These were then used to good effect to accompany Jump by Girls Aloud, which annoyed Chris when he tried to talk. Dave called it “blow based instrument fun”.

Chris stopped to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves on Christmas Day, in particular the ones who had been bought a Busted album for Christmas. He advised these people to throw these in the nearest rubbish bin as quickly as possible. The Darkness had made a drop/jingle for Chris saying congratulations on his new slot and this cued another “they’d be nothing without us” link from Chris and Dave. We also discovered that Chris’s impressions have got no better during his little holiday as his Robbie impression/rap over Sexed Up included the rhyming of “roof” with “hoof” and “presents” with “pheasants”. Chris claimed to have an exclusive first play of the Radio 1 DJs 12 Days To Christmas song. He should listen to his own station more as I’ve heard Mills, M+Lard and Cox all play it previously. Chris said it was made by a bloke called Colin Burgess who walks with a limp.


CHRIS: - (All presents wrapped in bog roll from the Radio 1 loos)
DAVE - Got him a DVD of some movie called Old School. Nicked from upstairs at Radio 1. Dave sounded delighted.
RACHEL - A Bargain Hunt board game nicked from under her desk upstairs. (Notice a pattern emerging here)
ALED - An Official Caprice 2004 Calendar which Aled sounded positively thrilled by. Despite their past differences Chris said she still has a great rack on her.

CHRIS - Back To The Future 1 on DVD. Chris has already got the trilogy on DVD. Rachel said she hasn’t got it so would swap him for Pretty Woman that she has on video.
DAVE - A Milk Chocolate Everton Selection Box
ALED - The Twister Moves Game (nicked in office clear out). Aled wasn’t happy.
Rachel also got each of them singing/speaking cards. Chris got a Tommy Cooper one, Dave a Slade one and Aled some weird camp one.

DAVE: - (All wrapped in The Sun newspaper - Chris’s in page 3)
CHRIS - X Box Club Football for Leeds United. Don’t be too shocked though as it was nicked from Chris’s desk upstairs, despite claims from Dave he bought it on Oxford St the other day. Chris asked to see the receipt but Dave said he’d left it at home.
RACHEL - Radox Soap and bubblebath. Chick stuff basically.
ALED - To go with his Caprice Calendar, Aled got an FHM Bikini Heaven 2004 Calendar from Dave.

CHRIS - A Pink 2004 Diary and Pink pen that smells of strawberry. (Not Pink the singer you understand, the colour)
DAVE - Michael Owen Soccer Schools DVD (Aled’s clearly yet to understand the fact that Dave supports Everton) and a Learning Portuguese CD + booklet in case Dave wants to go to Euro 2004 in the summer.
RACHEL - Speciality teas from Selfridges and as she needs to be in charge on breakfast, a riding crop (whip) to spank Chris and Dave with. She tried it on the desk and it made a hell of a noise. Chris said he’d definitely be a good boy then.

Rachel had brought in a karaoke CD of Christmas hits and each team member randomly picked a number to sing and the other three judged them out of ten:

4th - ALED - Jingle Bells (he struggled with the lyrics despite them being in front of him. Chris called him pathetic) 4 POINTS
3rd - RACHEL - Rockin Around The Christmas Tree (truly awful) 6 POINTS
2nd - DAVE - Silent Night (good considering he had a cold - Chris however was last to vote and with Dave on 17pts he gave him just 2 to make himself win) 19 POINTS
1st - CHRIS + HIS RED FACE- I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day 20 POINTS

Bizarrely Jon Culshaw popped in for the last ten minutes of the show and in a singalong end he ran through his entire back catalogue of voices over the instrumental of Last Christmas By Wham. It was very funny (especially the bit where Dave tried to impersonate Rolf Harris). In the song Culshaw impersonated Rolf, Shaggy, Ozzy, Blair, Bush, Pete Tong, John Peel, Tarrant, David Brent, Billy Connolly, Robbie, David Dickinson, David Furnish, Elton, Trevor McDonald and the welsh tea-maker himself, Aled Jones.