The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
#305256
1. Gorillaz – Feel Good Inc., 2. Pigeon Detectives – Take Her Back, 3. Rihanna – Shut Up And Drive, 7:30 NEWSBEAT, 4. Klaxons – It’s Not Over Yet, 5. Plain White T’s – Hey There Delilah, 6. Sugababes – About You Now, 8:00 NEWSBEAT, 7. Kanye West – Stronger, 8. Scissor Sisters – She’s My Man, 8:30 NEWSBEAT, 9. Kaiser Chiefs – The Angry Mob, 10. Timbaland featuring Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake – Give It To Me, 11. TEDIOUS LINK: Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Two Tribes, 12. The Coral – Jacqueline, 13. Booty Luv – Don’t Mess With My Man, 9:30 NEWSBEAT, 14. Linkin Park – Bleed It Out, 15. The Enemy – You’re Not Alone, 16. Girls Aloud – Sexy No No No

Hello and welcome to a review, here on chrismoyles.net.

I’m Tom, and I used to review the show yonks ago (perhaps a couple of years now) and while I was driving around the other day listening to Chris, I thought – I could do this again, now that I’m a proper student with nothing better to do all day. So here we are with one more review (and if all goes well, perhaps the first of many) of the Chris Moyles Show on International Radio 1.

STARTING THE SHOW WITH A PROTEST AND A BIT OF CULTURE

Today is Wednesday the 12th of September, and as Dave thanks JK and Joel for their hard morning’s work (discussing Coronation Street storylines from the past and wrestling), we know that the saviour is late once again. Not very good when you take into account the fact that the show will be moving to the earlier time of 6:30am as of October. But oh no, Chris isn’t late at all. In fact, he’s currently outside the great building that is Radio 1 HQ, protesting over the removal of JK and Joel from the station. He’s even got a placard. Dominic goes out to join Chris on the picket line, although a 2 man protest isn’t going to change Parf Daddy’s mind. ‘Steve from Birmingham’ joins the mob (Joel in disguise) and a mysterious figure called Paul too (although he just seemed rather confused). Now, with 4 men and a placard, there’s no way that the BBC Bosses can ignore the calls of the public. Whilst Chris is outside for the protest, he finds it the ideal time to play some records and conveniently have a cigarette.

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It seems more and more people wanted to get behind the Chuckle Brothers of Radio 1, with Keith in his black van lending his support and numerous other mystery texters too, although one person also wanted to bring back Wes and King of Tickets. Chris calls them idiots, but not in the conventional sense.

The show turns to some mild racism when Chris spots that Executive Producer Piers is wearing a stripey top. The team launch into a debate on stereotypes. Dave reckons that if Piers had some onions round his neck and was cycling down the street with a French stick over his arms, he’d look pretty French. Also according to Dave: Germans are organised, the Dutch all ride bikes and are relaxed, Australians wear shorts and flip flops (and perhaps a hat with corks) and the Irish all sit outside pubs drinking Guiness. They’re pretty lovely too. Dave tells a story about when he was young in a pub, a Welsh Male Voice Choir came and had a sing along partway through the night. Perhaps the BBC will consider bringing back Holiday with Comedy Dave if his Nuts TV show proves such a success? Rachel calls an end to the discussion before the show receives numerous death threats from people around the world. Oh, and in other news, Rachel still has Dave’s beret. Why did he have one in the first place?

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WOMEN’S WORLD CUP & BIRTHDAY CORNER
Chris was disappointed to hear that Carrie hadn’t included any Women’s World Cup news in the sport bulletin. She blamed this on Chappers, saying that he’d been going on about it all yesterday afternoon and so the listeners would probably be bored by now. Chris had a fair point though – who actually goes to Chappers for sport news? First stop for me is most certainly Miss Carrie Davis. They discussed the previous day’s games, although it all went over my head to be honest. All I can remember is that there was a Japanese striker with big hair. Chris invited Carrie round for a Women’s World Cup day at his flat in the afternoon. The only rules are that you must wear something tight fitting. Hopefully the rules don’t apply to the host.

Time for today’s birthdays, and its many happy returns to the following who have sent in their cards:
Milan Snook (who’s been on One Road Travel in the past) is 26 today.
Kerry Wilcock celebrates her 24th birthday.
‘CJ’ is 9 years old and from Glasgow and dances to the Cheesy Song every day.
Siobhan Farrell is also 24 today, and loves JK and Joel too – she’ll be joining the picket line.
Finally, John Stamper (also known as The Ginge) is 30, but doesn’t want anyone to know. Wups!

Don’t forget you can always send in your birthday cards for loved (or hated) ones to the following address:

The Chris Moyles Show, Birthday Corner
BBC Radio 1
London
W1N 4DJ
(yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!)

Chris is worried that the kids on the jingle are getting a bit irritating, so holds auditions for the rest of the team to take their place. Dom sounds special and ‘Rachel’ sounds Rachelish. I think we’ll stick with the kids for now.

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HELL’S KITCHEN WITH MARCO PIERRE WESTWOOD
After playing clips of the ‘Posh Jimmy Saville’ on the show for the last week or so, Chris decided yesterday that it if you added a tiny bit of echo to Marco Pierre White’s voice, you get Tim Westwood. I was a bit sceptical of this, as it didn’t sound anything at all like him. Thankfully, it appears that Chris agrees with me. It didn’t stop the real Westwood from recording some clips, with the phrases that we’ve come to love from the great chef (poached egg anyone?). Westwood might know his urban flavours, but I don’t think he’d fair too well in the kitchen. Perhaps if ITV producers are reading this now, they could snap him up for the next season!? Just when you thought it couldn’t get any funnier, Clumsy Westwood appears on the scene to pimp up Rachel’s lasagne (no innuendo there at all). Clumsy Westwood puts some alloys on the lasagne and adds a deep bass bin. Unfortunately he falls over into the greenhouse. Link overboard!

MORE NEWS AND MARCO PIERRE WHITE…
In today’s news, there was a story about a man from Penzance who wants to break the world record for talking on the telephone (39 hours plus). If you want to help said man, you log onto his website and book a time to speak to him. You can then chat for 20 minutes about an assortment of topics, which are up to you. Chris wanted to ring the man up now and try and speak to him. Unfortunately he was engaged. *budumcha!* ‘Those are the jokes folks!’

What do Sir Alan Sugar, Uma Thurman, Goldie Lookin’ Chain and Marco Pierre White all have in common? That’s right, they’ve all had the pleasure of meeting Mr Dominic Byrne and having a little chat. Yesterday, Dominic met his Hell’s Kitchen hero and conducted a short interview for the show. The interview was supposed to be on Monday, but Marco was apparently too busy for the great Dominic Bryne so it was postponed until Tuesday. We’ll find out how they get on on tomorrow’s show, but for now, a teaser of what to expect…

MPW: ‘Hi, it’s Marco-Pierre White, and whenever I’m in the UK, I love listening to the Chris Moyles Show. Don is my favourite chef.’

Dom proceeds to correct him, but after a thirteen minute conversation between the two, it seems that Marco-Pierre White still doesn’t know the name of everyone’s favourite bald headed newsreader. Nevermind – Hell’s Kitchen with Gary Rhodes returns tonight on ITV1.

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NUTS TV
Nuts TV launches today with Comedy Dave at the helm of its entertainment programming. There’s a slight flaw. After such great promotion on yesterday’s show, Dave realises that Nuts TV won’t be on Sky when it launches. Instead, it’s only available on Freeview and replaces Thomas Cook TV. So if you were going to sit down and watch a documentary on the Costa Del Sol this evening, brace yourself, because it might be slightly different. The fact that is isn’t on Sky presents a number of problems. Firstly, Chris can’t watch it, as he only has Sky, and not freeview, so he cannot take the mickey out of Dave on tomorrow’s show for his appearance. Secondly, star of the show Dave cannot watch the show either. Thankfully, Rachel can.

Apparently, the name of the show has also changed from ‘Fanzai’, to ‘Shed Sports 1’. Chris spots a flaw in the show, in that it is pre-recorded and thus Dave and his comedy sidekick cannot discuss the England game that will be happening before the show airs. Cue an impromptu sketch featuring Chris and Dom enacting what they believe Dave’s show will sound like. If the Nuts TV bosses are listening, they could probably sign up the pair to present ‘Shed Sports 2’ or something.

Chris takes a look in the listings magazine at what else Dave’s show will be up against on ‘real television’. BBC One has the news and weather, followed by a repeat of One Foot in the Grave. Jeremy Paxman and Newsnight is on BBC Two, with Brothers and Sisters on Channel 4 and the film ‘Hell’ on Channel 5. Dave believes his show will be a ratings success. Although when Chris reveals that Taggart is on ITV3 this evening, Dave admits defeat with a mediocre Taggart impression (that’s some more stereotype fun for you!)

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WHO KNOWS DOM?
Yesterday on Who Knows Dom, Haydn Burns was on the show. Today, was the first celebrity to star in this whimsical feature, with a guest appearance from Sir Timmy Mallet.
He knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Dom!

The team fantasised about their Timmy Mallet experiences from their past. Chris and Dave had him as a guest on the old TV show, and an interesting revelation was made at this point. Carrie used to do it with her sister, with an empty lemonade bottle. ‘It was great’ said Carrie. They even filmed it.

Chris reckons that because Timmy Mallet was on today’s show, they could get a string of minor celebrities over the next few days… tune in tomorrow to find out who knows Dom!

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THE JO WHILEY BET & ANDI PETERS!
Regular listeners to the show will no doubt remember that on yesterday’s show, Chris dared Jo to kiss Angus Deaton when she was going to Hell’s Kitchen that night. If she did, Chris would donate £500 to a charity of her choice. Always up for a bit of kissy kissy, Jo completed the task live on national television. Chris thought that the stunt looked incredibly staged, but it didn’t matter – it still meant that Chris had to fork over the cash… would he do the deed – we’ll find out at the handover!

On the subject of Hell’s Kitchen, Chris had received an invite to attend the restaurant that evening, and was deciding whether or not to go along. This prompted a game of Guess Who, to find out the mystery celeb who had invited Chris along. Chris said that the team would never manage to guess the identity of them, but did mention that Andi Peters had a guess who from ages ago. The mere mention of the name was enough to send Rachel into a huff. Chris tried to weasel a reason out of her as to her hate for the muscle man. Rachel explained that whenever they talk about him on the air, he always rings Chris on his mobile in the studio, making that whirring noise that she hates so much. And true to form, he did. Chris didn’t let him get on the air. Good job – or else the whole show would have been in disarray.

The mention of Andi Peters led Dave to believe that he was Chris’ mystery inviter. Chris denied all knowledge of this fact, yet he didn’t deny rumours of Gary Bushell being the mystery diner.

With Hell’s Kitchen being flavour of the show (see what I did there!), the team came up with some other challenges for Chris’ appearance tonight. Ideas being thrown about the room, included having a fight behind Angus, and bundling him live on National TV. In a demonstration of how this would work, Dave hurt his ankle and Chris was a bit sore in the Davina McCalls.

TEDIOUS LINK
From yesterday’s TLC – Waterfalls…

Waterfalls can be a major hazard if you’re trying to navigate a fast flowing river in a canoe. The plural of canoe is canoes and these were historically used as a form of transport by Native American Indians. American Indians like to live in reservations and their traditional clothes were always made from stuff like animal skin and feathers. Feathers are found on birds, and feathers are also used to stuff pillows. Pillows are what you have in your bed to put your head on. Your head is connected to the rest of your body via your neck. If you say ‘your neck’ quite fast, it sounds a bit like ‘Yannick’, as in Yannick Noah, who used to be a big name in the world of tennis. Tennis is a game that requires rackets, a ball and a net. Annette is a ladies name, whose origins probably originate in France. The name Francis is also probably of French origin and Francis is sometimes often abbreviated as a name to Frank, or sometimes even Frankie. And if you were called Frankie, and you wanted to go to the movie capital of American to make a documentary all about different tribes of pigmies or something, you might be called Frankie Goes To Hollywood Two Tribes, which links us cleverly to Frankie Goes To Hollywood and Two Tribes!

Problems?
• Native American Indians didn’t choose to live in reservations – they were sort of put there.
Otherwise, as Dave would say – bang on!

THEME TUNES & RAMBLE CHAT
Today’s TV Themes were:
• The Abbot & Costello Show
• Huckleberry Hound
• Beavis & Butthead
• Metal Mickey

Today’s ramble was predominately Nuts TV based. Aled claims that more households in the UK have Freeview over Sky. Rachel, the show’s Freeview representative said she wouldn’t be able to watch it tonight because she had Pilates. Aled offered advice to the rest of the team on how they could receive Nuts TV by simply tuning in their television sets to receive Freeview. Chris and Dave couldn’t really see the benefit of this, especially Chris, who has the full Sky package. Rachel said (in a clear BBC corporate tone) that they should read books. ‘But which book has car chases in?’, I hear you ask… well Rachel has the answer… Why, it’s Cagney & Lacey the Book of course. Available now from all good (and bad) book shops.

Chris also explained at this point, his desire to leave ever so slightly early so he didn’t have to bump into the fox that rocks, Jo Whiley. His reasons were simple – if he spoke to Jo, he’d be £500 worse off, where as by avoiding her, his money could stay locked tightly in his wallet. A rather confusing moment followed where Chris called Aled, ‘Rachel’ (its confusing me now just thinking about it).

At this point in the review, we must say goodbye to Northern Ireland…

ANDI FINALLY MAKES IT ON AIR
After bombarding Chris with numerous texts throughout the show of how he was disappointed with Rachel’s attitude towards him, Chris decided it was only fair to let Andi Peters come on the air and give his point of view (again). Andi read Rachel the dictionary definition of ‘sigh’ after her earlier outburst. Rachel responded with a rather lacklustre ‘No Comment’. As the pair battle it out (to the theme of Rocky), Dave reminds us of the fact that their feud is obviously down to the fact that they love each other dearly and that its all a front. The saga continues…

Before he leaves, Andi has a guess who (again, much to Rachel’s dismay). This came from his recent trip to New York, when he met someone on the plane. The game begins…

Is it a man? Yes
Is this man from the world of television? Yes
Would you describe this man as a televisual actor? Yes
Have they also appeared in movies? No
Is this person British? Yes
Is this person on the BBC? Yes
Is he a presenter? No
Is he English? Yes
Is he over 40? No
Is he below the age of 40? Yes
Is he in his thirties? Yes
Has this TV actor been associated with the world of soap opera? No
Have I [Chris] been to his house? Yes
Has he been on television in the last 7 days? No
Is he a comedian? Yes
Is it Jon Culshaw? No
Do they do impressions? No
*the team almost give up at this point*
Andy gives the clue that the Guess Who is a double act
Dick and Dom? No
Hale and Pace? No
Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson? No
Are they Northerners? No
Were they both on the plane? Yes
Matt Lucas and David Walliams? YES!!!

Chris gets it, after a rather lengthy guessing process. Apparently Chris has fallen out with Matt because he stole something from his house. They better patch stuff up because Rachel exclusively revealed that they’ll be coming on the show in the next few months.

They were getting late for the news, so to get out of the link, Dom stepped in with his trademark yoghurt joke… the punchline? He was mullered *budumcha*. Cue more jokes… Rachel cuts off Andi for the news. As said by Dave, ‘The Roth of Peters is now unleashed…’

After the news, Andi returned, as did the jokes. Andi tried to tell a joke, but failed. Poor guy. No wonder Rachel hates him. Dave returns with his deer joke. Chris hinted at the fact there maybe another round of Gag Idol around the corner.

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THESE ARE THE JOKES FOLKS, PLUS, THE TEAM RATE PAUL McKENNA
More jokes followed later. Chris confused Aled with his duck doo joke:

Chris: ‘I just bought a duckdoo’
Aled: ‘A what doo?’
Chris: ‘a duckdoo’
Aled: *clearly not getting the joke* ‘what’s that?’
Chris: ‘Duckdoo!’
Dom: ‘What’s a duckdoo?’
Chris: ‘Quack Quack!!’

Aled suggested that they need to learn some new jokes. Especially when Chris told a Quasimodo related joke. He reckoned his family might be listening and therefore might sue.

One more for Aled though…

Chris: ‘Knock Knock’
Aled: ‘Who’s There?’
Chris: ‘A dunup’
Aled: ‘A done a poo?’

Laughs all round – well nearly… apart from poor Aled who only realised his mistake 5 seconds later. If you’re reading this Al, bless ya!

With the show nearly over, it was time to rate Paul McKenna from yesterday’s show.
• Chris rates 7.3
• Carrie rates 6.95
• Dom rates 1 but then readjusts it to 6.85
• Rachel rates 7.2
• Aled rates 6.142
• Dave rates 6.8
The total therefore being 41.142 (although Dave predicted about 43)

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On the handover, Chris tried his best to avoid Jo for once, due to their ongoing bet. Chris still complains that Jo’s stunt was completely staged, but it won’t get him out of the bet. Get it out Chris! (the money that is…)


ALSO ON TODAY’S SHOW
• Today’s Carrie on ‘injured’ Footballers, is Ledley King. He’s mildly interesting, and gets scared by mice and rats. Chris and Dave find it amusing that he doesn’t have a favourite car, but he loves a Bentley.
• Dom’s story about the Two Frogs that he recorded before the team went on holiday is being read out on CBeebies Radio this afternoon on BBC 7 between 4pm and 5pm. Tune in if you’re either under 5, or a fan of Dom... or indeed both!
• Chris tries to prove that Carrie can’t read a sports story without fluffing it. The team all chuck in some cash. Needless to say, Carrie fails after being tickled by ‘interference’. Rachel was under the table, Dom was behind her, and Chris had his bottom in her face.
• Chris wished a happy anniversary to his good friend Paul and Emma, who are celebrating their 10 year anniversary. Dom asks ‘What do you get for being married for 10 years?’ ‘A Happy life’ replies Chris. Of course, this mention was in place of a card. Chris’ floodgates started to open, with numerous other friends asking for anniversary messages.
• Westwood, after respecting Nicholas from Hells Kitchen, decided to ‘respect’ all of the team, although after the earlier revelation from Carrie with her, the lemonade bottle and her sister, her respect time was shortlived.
• Just when you thought we’d had enough Andi for one show, he reappears with 2 minutes to go. This time he came up with a killer joke:
‘Have you seen this new stereo they’re launching in America? It’s like a chocolate cake… It’s a Gateau-blaster!’… Somebody peel me off the floor….

HELLOGOODBYE
Only one round of these today:

7:25am
We say hello to:
Adam Reid, who’s driving from Cornwall to Plymouth.
Andrew Quinn in Belfast, who has a confusing job title.
Steven Thomas, having breakfast while listening to the show.
Raynor Barles from Canada, listening via Sirius.
there was also an Ian in Birmingham, but Chris avoided it because he had a weird name.

Wednesday show is up