The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris

1: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See, 2: Usher – Yeah, 3: The Darkness – I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 4: The Game – Dreams, 5: Goldfrapp – Ooh La La, 6: No Doubt – Hey Baby, 7: Michael Gray – The Weekend, 8: The Magic Numbers – Love Me Like You, 9: Simon Webbe – Lay Your Hands, 10: Green Day – Basket Case, 11: Black Eyed Peas – Don’t Lie, 12: McFly – I’ll Be OK, 13: Eric Prydz – Call On Me, 14: Kylie Minogue – Love At First Sight, 15: Tupac feat. Elton John – Ghetto Gospel, 16: Audio Bullys – Shot You Down, 17: Oasis – The Importance Of Being Idle, 18: James Brown – Living In America (tedious), 19: Gorillaz – DARE, 20: Foo Fighters – DOA, 21: Inaya Day – Naughty Girl, 22: Stereophonics – Dakota, 23: Ciara feat. Ludacris – Oh

“I think we need to appeal to a wider audience. Not fatter people…”

Chris kicked off today’s “historic” show with this mission statement – and decided that the way to appeal to this wider audience was not to talk about football, at least not until 8am. Oh, and to broadcast to a whole new continent, that was part of the plan too. This morning, for the first time, the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show was broadcast on normal radio in the Goddamn US of Goddamn A. Hallelujah.

After the “false dawn” of the team harping on about the Sirius thing when they got back from holiday, but then being told that it actually wasn’t going to happen for another couple of weeks, they thankfully piped down about it for a bit. But now it’s really happening. Who knows if anyone in America will actually care? Who knows if the team actually care? At five past seven this morning, Dave was more bothered about watching highlights of the Everton game. I don’t think he cares too much, really. Or maybe he’s just playing it cool.

Chris took the opportunity to berate the “fat, burger eating Yanks” as the broadcast in the US wasn’t set to start until after the 9am pips. The not talking about football lasted until, ooh, about 7.15am. Business as usual, then, apart from that whole American thing.

So the first song that the US heard Chris Moyles playing was James Brown’s “Living In America” along with lots of those annoying backwards noise squeaky “Rrrrrradio… One” mini-trailer things, whatever they’re called. One of Chris’s first sentences in this new era began “Just in case anyone is listening in America”, which seemed quite representative of the general mood about this Transatlantic fandango – not that bothered, and anticipating a potential lack of botheredness from America too. Rachel suggested they might have 5 new listeners. Perhaps if they count trucker caps and guns as separate entities to their owners, and factor that into the equation, they might even reach double figures…

Big Brother – Eugene to Win?

The most pleasing thing you are likely to hear all week, if not all month, if not for the rest of your entire life, is the Eugene remix played on this morning’s show. Particularly the Morse Code bit in the chorus (“da-dit-da-da-dit-dit “). Eugene’s not even a good quality geek - he’s possibly one step away from man-with-woman’s-bag, which is something I am frightened of. But the Breakfast Show’s remixes of housemate catchphrases have been toppermost this year, and for that I am grateful.

Dominic is convinced that Eugene will win on the Will Young Principle – which dictates that everyone thinks that Anthony (BBs equivalent of Gareth Gates) will win, so they won’t bother voting for him, yet people will vote for Eugene as he’s the underdog, and therefore he will actually win. Chris still thinks that Anthony will win, but concedes that it’s likely to be a close-run thing. Aled reckons that Craig or Kinga will be going out tonight – and he has “a lot of questions” for the former – but Chris reckons it’ll be Kinga.

Personally I think that Eugene will cry himself into a raisin if he’s still there on the last night, and if he actually wins he’ll cry himself into a pile of bone dust in the half hour between the runner up leaving the house and him leaving it himself. Whereas Anthony, if he wins, will just do that stupid one man electric pulse dance thing he does all the chuffing time, and will go on to do some lads mag photoshoot thing in which he poses with a scantily clad someone and makes thinly-veiled homophobic references about Craig to try to prove that he’s not really one of the gays himself.

And then there’ll be a big George-Michael-esque public toilet revelation and Anthony will come out properly and be the new “My-Partner-David-Furnish” to Graham Norton or some other high profile manlover. Hurrah for closet homosexuality! I flaming love Big Brother.

Car Park Catchphrase

John the “ground worker” (he lays pavements) from Cumberton vs. John Thomas (tee hee) from somewhere (I didn’t listen to what he said because I was too busy being amused by his name)

John Thomas’s name being a euphemism for “the willy” gave Dominic the opportunity to use my actual favourite name for the man garden - “Steven and the twins”. Other opportune puns included Dom’s “willy or won’t he” and Chris’s “oh come on, don’t be a dick”.

The catchphrases, which were of course secondary to the genitalia jokes, were “close shave”, “all hands on deck” and “earning a crust”. The man with the name of the knob won. Houpla.

Other Things

Chris on Usher: “It’s E-Sure. Calm down dear, he’s only a rapper”.

Chris on Charlie Bucket’s Grandad’s (in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory) miraculous recovery from being bedridden, when he finds out Charlie’s got the Golden Ticket: “Get out of bed you old duffer, get down the Post Office and get your pension, get Wogan off and go to work, you lazy get”.

Chris agreed with a listener’s suggestion that, if it were slowed down, the Magic Numbers song would sound like the “Only Fools And Horses” theme tune.

Chris and Dave started doing their amusing “and incidentally, did you know about…” conversational promotion of the Radio 1 advice line for exam result issues, which never fails to raise a chuckle. Annoying, however, that it had to be done over a loop of the first bit from “Lose Yourself” by Eminem – that song’s cack. On the subject of songs though, isn’t that Simon Webbe song good? Like, really. Wonder what the kebab shop one out of Blue will come up with to match that shiznit. It is so on, Anthony Costa.

Chris doing an impression of Judge Jules on the Radio 1 10 years in Ibiza trailer: “it’s like the electrical cable under the kettle lighting the fire to make the tea of dance”.

Particularly enjoyed the Jim Bowen mix of “Call On Bully” (Eric Prydz’s “Call On Me”), involving Jim Bowen saying “super smashing great” and “look at what you could have won”. Super. Chris then went on to play Jive Bunny’s “Swing The Mood”, during which Dave advised him to “bring the beat back”, and suggested that it’s music and mixing like that which means that they should be doing the Ibiza special thing rather than Dave Pearce.

The funny man who won the competition to have his face put on the “24” computer game came into the studio, and brought Chris a Bop It to say thank you for his opportunity, which was a lovely thought. Dave remarked that now Chris is going to get obsessed with the Bop It and that it will ruin the show.
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