New Life

[Yudster]

You're not necessarily wrong Ben. But if you want to stay with your girlfriend but don't want a child, you're in for a very tough time. But then you seem to know that. Enjoy your visit to them - I hope you end up in love with both of them. And for crying out loud tell your folks.

I know its gonna be tough and I never said I didn't want a child but its just tough when its not yours and your going through uni. I've said all along that in a few years time I'll be happy to have more involvement and hopefully the fact that I've been here from the start of his life should help.

All the best. Stranger situations have worked and you have your eyes open. TELL YOUR FOLKS!

[jocky85]

In a few years, if all is still going well - he will most likely consider you his dad. I know you want to take it one day at a time & that's fair enough. But I would bear that in mind

[bmstinton93]

I know that yeah and I dont think that would bother me in a few years. But for now we're just making sure we talk through everything and doing what we can.

[Nicola_Red]

In a few years, if all is still going well - he will most likely consider you his dad. I know you want to take it one day at a time & that's fair enough. But I would bear that in mind

I think you're definitely right there. In fact one of my cousins had a very similar situation where she was pregnant at 16 and the father was a useless piece of crap. She got together with her current husband after the baby was born, but in fact the baby, who is now 19, doesn't even know that her mother's husband is in fact not her biological dad.

[bmstinton93]

That's another one we'd have to talk about as well later down the line whether we say I am or not.

[Nicola_Red]

If you're even considering the possibility that you'll be the child's father in a practical sense, then you're 100% involved. It's hard for me to give any sort of unbiased opinion as I find the whole concept of having children, even those that are not biologically mine, somewhat terrifying. If I were in this situation I'd have broken it off as soon as I found out - which may well be a selfish option, but sometimes you have to be selfish for your own wellbeing.

[MK Chris]

My tuppence worth is that it is only right and proper and fair to TELL the lad who his dad is as soon as she feels he is old enough to understand, then he can make his own decision on whether he wants to try and meet up with him or not. Just my opinion, but try to put yourself in his shoes - I know I would want to know, even if in all likelihood I would still consider the boyfriend to be my dad, I would still want to know where I had come from so to speak.

[bmstinton93]

Oh I know. Its not gonna be for a good few years yet anyway but obviously its a massive thing and you just need to handle it carefully. We hopefully won't have to cross that for a while though.

Weirdly though, I have her ex on facebook and he must have seen all my posts this morning and he hasn't like kicked off or anything so he obviously doesn't give a crap.

[MK Chris]

He may not have done - I miss loads because I'm not on Facebook much. Also why on earth do you have him on there? Are you friends with him?

[Nicola_Red]

My tuppence worth is that it is only right and proper and fair to TELL the lad who his dad is as soon as she feels he is old enough to understand, then he can make his own decision on whether he wants to try and meet up with him or not. Just my opinion, but try to put yourself in his shoes - I know I would want to know, even if in all likelihood I would still consider the boyfriend to be my dad, I would still want to know where I had come from so to speak.

I agree 100% with this too.

[bmstinton93]

Erm... I added him just so we could check up on him cause Katie has now blocked him out her life and then I was messaging him on her behalf just saying about how he needs to either make the effort or leave her alone. We haven't done anything petty but she doesn't wanna be seeing updates on his facebook so at least if anything does happen that she needs to know about then I can tell her then so it won't affect her as much.

[Nicola_Red]

She managed to make a baby with him but can't send him messages on facebook?

[bmstinton93]

She's already done all that countless times and all he ever did was just constantly break promises so she decided to tell him he's had his chances and then just block him out her life and see if he reacts. It was all just getting too much for her.

[Nicola_Red]

That's fair enough. But I don't get why you would just then send him messages instead. Either do it or don't do it.

[bmstinton93]

Tbh it probably wasn't a good idea. Part of me just wanted to prove to myself that I was supporting her and being involved in helping her that way. And also partly to show him that she personally doesn't need any support from him.

[Nicola_Red]

I understand, but I feel you may have achieved the opposite. If he's a horrible person he'll have taken it to mean that she does need him after all and is just getting someone else to do her dirty work. If he's just a terrified kid he'll have taken it to mean that someone else has stepped up to the responsibilities so he can feel better about not doing.

[bmstinton93]

Gotta admit its probably more the 2nd one.

* it, here's the messages:

"Hey, Please can you stop messing Katie around please? She has given you plenty of chances to be involved in your child’s life and you’ve decided not to take them. She doesn’t need you and has all the support she needs right now. If you really wanted to be involved then you would have attended either the 24 week or 34 week scan and you chose not to so as far as her and her family are considered that child no longer has a Dad.


I am going to her scan on wednesday


She doesn't want you there. She gave you the chance to turn up to the last one and you never did so I ended up going with her instead. She wants nothing to do with you. I'm going with her on Wednesday and travelling 60 miles to do so.


I had a exam last time


Maybe you should have told her that one then instead of using lots of excuses now. She still doesn't want you there.


we will see


Yeah we saw."

[Nicola_Red]

So he expressed an interest in being involved and you told him not to? Even if it took him that long to figure out he had a responsibility to the child, shouldn't he have been given the opportunity to step up?

(I'll repeat again that I have no experience in this and I'm only offering my opinions!)

[bmstinton93]

Well we 100% knew that he wouldn't anyway. Besides, if you really wanted to be involved and go to your baby's scan why the hell would you listen to what the mother of your child's new boyfriend says. If you wanna get involved and prove you could be a good dad then surely you fight all that? And he never did. And he had also said he was going to go to the previous 2 scans and never showed up. You can only give a certain amount of chances really.

[Nicola_Red]

Yeah, maybe. I dunno, I'm just trying to play devil's advocate. Like I say, it's very difficult to imagine myself in this situation from any side, as I would never get involved with anyone with kids, and the likelihood of me ever being pregnant is, well, less than 0.5%.

[charlalottie]

Good luck Ben, I genuinely mean it.

Also I can't help feel that Nicola has just thrown down a challenge to the most virile men now to see who has the magical sperm that can defy near enough impossibility. *Waits for badger*

[Nicola_Red]

Ha! That was not my intention. I suppose if someone managed to knock me up there would be a small part of me that couldn't help but be impressed. But only a very small part.

[bmstinton93]

Thanks Lottie.

[Yudster]

As far as the biological father is concerned, whether he wants to be involved or whether Katie WANTS him involved are secondary to the fact that he is RESPONSIBLE. Therefore involved or not, he should be required to provide support, if only financial.

[The Deadly]

I have really strong semen. I managed to successfully beat the pill!