Wednesday 30th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 30 2004 by MC_]

1. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 3. Evanescence - Going Under, 4. Nina Sky feat Jabba - Move Ya Body, 5. BUZZ OFF - Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You 7:30 NEWSBEAT 6. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 7. Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow, 8. D12 - How Come 8:00 NEWSBEAT 9. Puretone - Addicted To Bass, 10. Outkast - Roses, 11. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 12. Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending 8:30 NEWSBEAT 13. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 14. Jay-Z - Girls Girls Girls, 15. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 16. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 17. Zoe - Sunshine On A Rainy Day (Tedious Link), 18. Usher - Burn, 19. Snow Patrol - Spitting Games, 20. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk 9:30 NEWSBEAT 21. Kelis - Trick Me, 22. Oakenfold - Starry Eyed Surprise, 23. The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army

Chris began this morning’s show with more Big Brother chat. He watched it again last night on Channel 4 and said that he is now really enjoying this years series, although on a totally different level to all the previous ones - as he hates almost everybody in there. Especially the psychotic Marco and the just plain irritating “chicken” Michelle. Dave watched it too last night but said that he is just finding it really difficult to care about it this year. Like me, I think both Chris and Dave like Jason and Victor. Jason just because he seems to be heading for a major nervous breakdown, and Victor cos he’s so arrogant and such a game player that it’s funny...and ting. Victor thinks that the new chesty toe sucker Bekki fancies Jason, although Chris said he’d rather cop off with Richard Whiteley than with her. Not a pleasant thought for 6:55 in the morning. Chris (along with most other people I presume) thinks the ditsy blond Shell is by far the prettiest in there, but apart from that the girls are nowt special...and by the way I wasn’t including Nadia in that “girl” category. Chris said a week ago he was spending his nights in Portugal trying to chat up local waitresses, yet now he was sitting at home and watching Big Brother every evening - rock a loo la. If it wasn’t for Mr Arse Meier, we would be playing Holland tonight in the semi finals of Euro 2004. Dave (for some reason) is now supporting the Portuguese, although Chris said he genuinely doesn’t care anymore and has lost all interest in the tournament. I’d go along with that, although Dave couldn’t for some reason. He said he still cared about seeing some of the finest players in Europe, even if Chris didn’t. Sticking with Euro 2004 and Portugal for a minute, Chris told Dominic to tell Dave the “hole in the sand” story from the beach last weekend. Dom told Dave that while him, Chappers and Rachel were out frolicking in the sea, him and Chris had come up with an ingenious plan to dig a hole in the sand and put Dom’s wife sarong over it (don’t worry, she was still wearing a bikini). The idea was to cover it up and thus make Dave sit and fall in it when returning from the sea. However, Dom, his wife Nic and Chris all got bored of waiting for the sarong fall after an hour or so, so they packed up and went to a nearby cafe for a beer. Dave said he did know about this story to some extent, as while packing up later, he somehow managed to step backwards into the now uncovered hole, almost twisting his ankle in the process. Dom said that was possibly even funnier than the original plan. Wes was covering Early Breakfast for Nemone today, which was causing a bit of annoyance in Studio 3...
Chris - I think what Nemone has done is that now Sara Cox has gone, she’s got all of Coxy’s holidays and her own, and all of Dave Pearce’s sick days. Put them all together and she now works four weeks a year..
Dave - We should become Olympic athletes too y’know

Dave’s Introductory Service/Beat The Intro was back again today, with Vitty beating Carrie 3-2. Chris said this meant Carrie was officially a dumb blond, although granted still a lot more attractive than Dave. Dave said Carrie was looking very nice today actually, with her little strappy off the shoulder top. Chris said you can actually see down that if you stand behind her on a chair (as you do). Dave said he hadn’t noticed that for himself. Chris played a trail for Radio One’s new daytime line up of himself, Jo “fresh knickers” Whiley, Colin and Edith and Scott Mills...
(off the back of trail)
Chris - Can I just say, if you listen to Radio One regularly then fair enough - there is an advert for four of the shows. However, if you’d never listened to Radio One before in your life, wouldn’t you think we were a bunch of dysfunctional morons
(him and Dave laugh)
Chris - You’ve got me sexually harassing somebody, Jo Whiley then putting me down, Colin getting Edith to dress up in a nurses outfit like some bad carry on movie, and then Scott Mills phoning up some girl in a burger bar as Jack Black and telling her to stick Chicken McNuggets up her backside. Welcome to the exciting new world of Radio One..
(plays Streets)
Sticking with the subject of Scott’s show, Chris was unhappy that some trout faced caller (his words not mine) had rung up yesterday and claimed that her and her dad think Chris is the UK’s campest man. Scott is doing some sort of Campman feature at the moment y’see. Chris played out the clip, which finished with Scott telling her that he’d send her out the new McFly album.
Chris - Punishment indeed for the precocious stage school wannabe
(plays trail)
Buzz Off this morning was a top, top tune - Everything About You by Ugly Kid Joe (number 3 back in June 1992). Rachel was first to buzz on 1:19 and Aled next on 3:28. Dave left it well alone and the text vote was overwhelmingly Buzz On too. I just think it was nice to hear a song with a proper ending being played on Radio One, and not just some cop out fade. Other music on the show today included Puretone, The Hives and the great new single by Avril Lavigne called My Happy Ending (out on August 9th). Along with He Wasn’t, it’s by far the stand out track on her top new album “Under My Skin”. If you read the review yesterday then you’ll no doubt know about Chris’s childish fart machine antics on the Jo Whiley Show. He said he wasn’t proud of them...then admitted he was and replayed the clips. He said he knew it was very immature but it was still hilarious, and by the sounds of it both Dom and Carrie agreed. This as they broke down during their 8:30 Newsbeat bulletin, which was pestered with fart sound effects. Chris said that following his success on the Jo Whiley Show, he is now off to hide the fart machine in Wogan’s Radio 2 studio. He did brilliant impressions of what Wogan’s show and the Today programme on Radio 4 would sound like if interrupted by his fart machine.


ALED’S AMAZING CHILD PRODIGIES:
It started out as just normal bit of post news chat with Dom, but with the contribution of Aled it escalated into the main talking point of this morning’s show - child development. Dom told Chris that his son Finton is fine. He’s nearly a year old and is crawling now. Chris said he didn’t know if that was good or not as he doesn’t understand how old babies are meant to before they do certain things, e.g walk and talk. The idea is that it’s roughly one to walk and two to talk. Chris said that was appalling - you have to wait two years for your child to have a conversation with you. Dom burst out laughing at this point and asked Chris what conversation he wanted to have with a child of two. Chris said that babies really know how to speak instantly, and he claimed that they are just lazy for the first two years of their life. Again Dom sniggered at this point..
Chris - Hey, I don’t just make these things up
Dom (still sniggering) - Absolutely not
Chris - I’m not just an idiot
(Dom makes strange noise combining a laugh with a gulp and a choke)
(Dave and Carrie laugh)
Chris said he was no child psychology expert (no sh*t sherlock) but has read between the lines and thinks that kids could be cooking barbecues and stuff at six, but just choose not to cos they’re lazy. Despite his protests that he doesn’t get and isn’t ready for kids, Rachel thinks Chris will make a great dad.
Dave - You can relate to children, you speak on their level
Chris took that as a compliment although I’m not sure she should have. Aled said he thinks Chris would make a great dad too. That got Chris thinking about what Aled would be like as a dad. Aled said that he’d make a great dad as he’s good with kids and his friends often give him theirs to look after for weekends and stuff. Chris branded him a liar but Aled claimed that three weeks ago he looked after his friends kids for the weekend, 13 month old Karl and 9 month old Pippa. Aled added that this wasn’t in his rat infested flat by the way. Chris was interested to know what Aled would do to keep a 9 month old girl entertained for a weekend...
Aled - We’d play games, go running around the park...
(collective shouts from Chris and Dave - both laughing)
Dave - Aled you don’t go running at nine months!!
Chris - Seriously Aled, what are you on about?
Aled - They run! They do!
Dave - No they don’t!!!

(Madman Aled)
Aled added that Pippa has a more enhanced vocabulary than Karl, despite being four months younger. Chris said Aled is heading for a nervous breakdown if he keeps going on like this. He said it seems even Jones is starting to believe his own lies and has got himself caught up in a major one..
Dave - I think it’s the fictional work of a madman
(Dom and Carrie laugh)
Aled said Chris underestimated his skills with kids and insisted that it did happen. He said Karl and Pippa weren’t brother and sister, but were from two separate families who were “close friends”. Chris called him a creche and said he was the BBC’s new unofficial nursery service - Aled Doubtfire. Dave kept stressing to Aled that he really should check their birth certificates:
Chris (impersonating Aled) - Yes we go running in the park and er..we do the Times crossword together (Dave laughs)
Chris - How old is she? She’s 8 weeks
Dave (joining in while laughing) - We went wind surfing, it was great
Chris (laughs) - We’re going to Paris at the weekend and we’re gonna bring her along cos her French is brilliant!!
(Dave laughs)
Chris - ...*sighs*, jesus
Aled - I tell you, he’s better at football than I am (Dave laughs)
Chris - Oh my god, so are dead people!!!
Chris realised that three weeks ago Aled was on his Where’s Aled tour with Security Bear Paul. Aled said yeah they were, but they were near Leicester where his friends live - and they all stayed in a hotel together. Chris recapped to get the story straight - 3 weeks ago he and huge black guy Security Bear Paul stayed together in a Leicester Hotel with two kids from separate families, that Aled then went running in the park with..
Aled - Yes
Chris said Aled really is a pathological liar who can’t separate fact from fiction anymore. He needs some help that's for sure..

DR. MARK HAMILTON LIVE ON THE PHONE:>>>>
Dr. Mark linked up live with the show after 7:30, coming live from the studio set up in his own house in Manchester (which presumably is how he records stuff throughout the week for Newsbeat). After briefly chatting about him, his wife and his five year old son seeing Sophie at Glastonbury last week, Mark got on to the serious stuff - Aled’s story. Mark said that it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility, but it was pretty damn close. Aled interrupted to say that he had now checked his facts and got the correct ages for his two amazing child prodigies. Karl is 15 months old (not 13), and Pippa is actually older at 16 months (and not 9). Another example of Aled’s blatant incompetence, but at least at these ages Mark said the story was more believable. This wasn’t the reason why Mark was on the show today though, it was actually to give an on air check up on Comedy Dave. Just to clarify again, Dave has come back from Portugal with an ear infection and diagnosed conjunctivitis in his left eye. Dave said a doctor had told him yesterday that his ear infection was due to a mixture of wax build up and the ear being closed due to inflammation inside the ear hole. Mark seemed to understand (well he is a real doctor) and asked Dave which of the two infections had come first and if they were matching eyes and ears. Dave said the eye was first and they are an opposing eye and ear combo. Mark said in that case he may like to see Dave for a bit of study when he comes down this weekend..
Dave - Shall we do it in the pub?
Dr. Mark (laughs) - Yeah we can do yeah
(Chris laughs)
Dave said he’d got both infections from sharing a pool with all the scumbags from Radio One, who’ve (in his words) “infested me with all sorts of muck”. Dr Mark said that his eye infection would have been caused by him collecting bacteria in his fingernails and then rubbing his eyes. Dave said that his fingernails haven’t been collecting bacteria though, they’ve just been in normal places that fingers go...
Dave - Thumbing through books and stuff
(Chris and Dr. Mark laugh)
Dr. Mark - The last time you thumbed through a book Dave, when was that?
Chris (interrupts) - It was a pamphlet for his new microwave

(The Sunday Surgery - Emma B and Dr. Mark Hamilton)

ALED’S RAT UPDATE:

Aled was back to give a rat update after 8:00. He said investigations yesterday have discovered that the rat’s nest is actually under his own bed, so he has set up his own computer nearby with a motion detecting webcam to film the rat and stick it online. In fact there is now a whole new section dedicated to it at Radio 1 ONLINE - For that please click here.
Dave - Where did you get hold of a webcam so quickly?
Aled - I’ve got one
Dave - Oh (laughs)
Aled - Yeah, all computers come with webcams now, and this is a motion detecting one so if you move it takes a video
(Chris and Rachel laugh)
Rachel - Oh Aled!
Chris - Why do you possess a motion detecting webcam that takes video?
Aled - All new computers have them. That was standard with the computer when I bought it
Dave - So now you have it trained on the hole?
(Chris laughs)
Aled said that as soon as the rat is spotted on the webcam, the pic will be put straight up on Radio One ONLINE.
Aled - When I have something I’ll put it straight up
(Chris laughs)
Dave - Blimey...9:05. Every day another single entendre..
Rachel - We love you Aled (laughs)
Dave - You make our life so easy. We don’t even have to write this stuff
After the show yesterday, Aled told Chris that he was ringing up a rat place to try and arrange for some people to come round to his flat and sort it out. With the whole “rat in me kitchen” thing from yesterday, Chris thought it would be funny for Aled to ring a place up from work and then try to fit in as many UB40 song titles as he could, which no doubt would have hilarious consequences *cough*. However, it soon became clear that Aled was no Steve Penk and not the greatest wind up phone call prankster in the world. After the slightly confused woman from the rat place put the phone down on Aled, Chris said it was like Noel Edmonds had never left Radio One. Dave said maybe “Aled’s rubbish wind up” could become a regular feature on the show....*cough*....or maybe not.

ALED’S FLAT IDOL - DAY 1:>>>>

The show was Aled mungus today as Chris continued on the subject of his flat - and in particular the two sponging blokes who live there without a job. Chris called them stupid losers and said that Aled was a sucker who was too nice to kick either of them out..
Chris - What are their names again?
Aled - No I think that’s a line I better not cross
Chris - Ok, and then the other one?
(all laugh)
Chris said because they know Aled won’t do anything about them despite their unemployment and lack of contribution to the rent, him and Dave have decided to boot them out and find 2 new flat mates for Aled in the new show feature - Flat Idol. Surprisingly Aled found this “cool” and seemed quite happy with the idea..

PROFILE OF IDEAL CANDIDATE -:
- Male or Female, he doesn’t mind the sex (so to speak)
**Aled - Not too attractive
Chris - Why?
Dave - That rules us out then
Chris - Yeah
(Rachel laughs)**
- Age, 35 or under
- Hair Colour, not important
- Star Sign, Leo
**Dave (laughs) - Whoa, whoa, whoa - you’re not fussed on hair colour or gender, but they have to be Leo?!!**
- Pets, no cats and only small dogs cos big dogs scare Aled (cue laughter)
- Vegetarians fine as long as they don’t mind Aled eating meat in front of them
* Don’t miss tomorrow mornings show as there’ll be more Flat Idol with Chris trying to find Aled two brand new flat mates

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
OWEN a sharp T-Mobile telecommunications engineer from Disley 2
KATIE a cute sounding French student from Norwich 1

Daves Tedious Link
Basement Jaxx Rendez-Vu - “Rendez-Vu” is a French word, as are poisson, baguette and beret - The plural of beret is berets, which shouldn’t be mistaken for berries, which you might find in a fruit salad - Fruit salad is often served with cream - Cream Of Mushroom is a type of soup - Soup is best eaten with a spoon - Spoons are the cutlery of choice for high profile bender Uri Geller - Uri Geller shares the same surname as both Monica and Ross Geller, who were characters in the now defunct series Friends - Friends was set in New York, even though secretly it was filmed in LA - LA stands for Los Angeles, the city of angels - Angels was a big hit for Robbie Williams and featured on the album Life Thru A Lens - The plural of lens is lenses, as in contact lenses which I can’t wear until I clear up my rare and serious eye condition called conjunctivitis - Conjunctivitis affects the eye area around the eyeball - Ball is a popular surname for celebrities with first names such as Alan, Bobby, Johnny and of course Zoe - and when you think of the name Zoe in the context of early 90’s one hit wonders who sung about changeable weather in the form of sunshine on rainy days, you think of Zoe and Sunshine On A Rainy Day - Which links us predictably to Zoe and Sunshine On A Rainy Day

> Wednesday June 30th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Tuesday 29th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 29 2004 by MC_]

1. The Rasmus - In The Shadows 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight, 3. Kelis - Trick Me, 4. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 5. BUZZ OFF - Paula Abdul with The Wild Pair - Opposites Attract, 6. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Angel City feat Lara McAllen - Love Me Right, 8. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes, 9. Will Young - Friday's Child, 10. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 12. Ms Dynamite - Dy-Na-Mi-Tee, 13. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk, 14. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 16. Robbie Williams - Feel, 17. Blink 182 - Down, 18. Basement Jaxx - Rendez-Vu (Tedious Link), 19. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 20. Ash - Starcrossed, 21. Outkast - Roses, 22. Girls Aloud - The Show 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 24. Joe Budden - Pump It Up, 25. Maroon 5 - This Love

After a quick thanks to the crazy radio maverick that is Nemone, Chris went straight on into the first major discussion topic of this morning’s show - sesame chicken toast. It’s the future kids. Tasted for the very first time by Mr Moyles last night, at a very nice Chinese place down the road from him. He’d never been there before but said it was lovely. Dave said he must go eat there in that case, as he’s driven past there loads of times but has not been inside once. Chris said he recommended the spicy chicken, noodles and the pork dumplings in particular..
Chris - Morning then. I’m Chris, this is my friend Dave
Dave - Hello
Chris - and we’re talking chicken
(7:00 news stab)
Sport girl Carrie thought that last night’s chicken may have been having somewhat of a knock on effect on Moyles, this was because all she could hear was fart noises in the studio during her 7am bulletin. Chris said he could see Carrie “flapping” over there (cue Dave’s pig squeal laughter) and admitted that he did have a fart machine on him today, hidden somewhere in the studio. Carrie’s sport bulletin quickly turned into a bit of a shambles, as she fell around with laughter so much that she gave up half way through her script. Chris said he was surprised that serious BBC Sport journalist Carrie was letting herself go at such childish toilet humour. Cue laughter from 32 year old husband and father Dominic Byrne..
Chris - We’re doing the Radio One Breakfast Show. We’re all grown adults...
(Dom laughs)
Chris - ...and your in tears cos of this little fart machine
Dom said that to be fair it was the pitch of the fart that was putting him off the most, rather than the actual fart itself. High brow stuff I’m sure you’ll agree ladies and gentlemen...
Chris (over Kylie intro) - 7 minutes past 7, a childish way to start the show. I think we’ve found the level already Dave
Dave - I think I can see us heading for a Sony Radio award
Dave said that while the team’s childish brand of humour seems to offend certain listeners, it’s also equally embraced by other members of the audience. For example those who texted in to say that they have a fart sound effect for their ringtone...jeez. I say just put it on vibrate and silent like I do. After his evening Chinese last night, Chris stayed in and watched TV all evening. His line up included Henman - Philippoussis in the tennis, the depressingly boring EastEnders at 9 o’clock...and then Big Brother. More on that in a sec - first a couple of things on the tennis. Chris found the Henman match thoroughly enjoyable, apart from the ugly, large women in the crowd who were draped in union jack flags. Chris played out the commentary from Tim’s winning match point and said that he was playing his own game last night while he was watching the match. He was trying to hear who the last person was to shout out “come on Tim” in the crowd before each point. He said that if anyone was going to Wimbledon today then they should play the same game - regardless of whether or not Tim was actually playing, or whether it was Roger Frederer against Lleyton Buzzard (or whoever - very funny). Chris asked Carrie who the fit blond one was at Wimbledon this year. She’s 17, is called Maria Sharapova and is Russian/American...and extremely, extremely hot. She’s only three days older than me too. Hmm, professional tennis player or chrismoyles.net show reviewer? I know where the money lies (and it’s not here). Onto Big Brother next and Chris said that he is really enjoying the series so far, despite his doubts at the start. Dave hasn’t seen much of it so Chris filled him in on what’s happening. Marco is a psychotic chimp, Michelle is an annoying Geordie who says “chicken” a lot, and Nadia is a transsexual who varies her accent between effeminate Portuguese and deep Yorkshire.

Buzz Off this morning took us back to April 1990 - it was the number 2 hit Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul and the Wild Pair. Rachel was first to buzz in on 2 minutes 22 seconds, followed by Dave on 3 mins 14. Aled was last on 3 mins 32, but only because Chris had to fit another record in before the 7:30 news. The text vote was 50.39% in favour of Buzz On btw. With his 1990 compilation CD out, Chris decided to bring back everyone’s favourite this morning - Dave’s Introductory Service. He was calling it “Beat the intro” for some strange reason, although it didn’t matter as Dave still kicked everyone’s arse. Firstly he managed to draw 3-3 with Aled, despite Jones having five second head starts on each tune. Then he proceeded to demolish Carrie 5-1 in a battle of 1991, that with his correct answers of U2: The Fly, Blur: There’s No Other Way, Wonderstuff: Size Of A Cow, Extreme: More Than Words and Amy Grant: Baby Baby. Dom was shocked at Dave’s amount of knowledge and Carrie was disappointed he didn’t go easy on her, as Chris had promised her cheesecake if she’d beaten him.

DAVE’S CONJUNCTIVITIS:

As I mentioned yesterday, Dave arrived home from Portugal with an eye infection and a sore right ear. A visit to the doctors yesterday confirmed that Dave may have conjunctivitis, so he’s been told to keep his contacts out for a while and take some antibiotic eyedrops. Dave said that the doctor put some yellow stuff in his eyeball to look for any scratches or abrasions on the eyeball. Chris said he couldn’t have that done to him as he’s too girly. On the other hand, Dave said that he as a contact lense wearer doesn’t mind having his balls touched (so to speak). Dom fetched Dave some conjunctivitis facts as he said his son Finton has had it and it’s very contagious. Dave said he knew he had to be more careful with his hand cleanliness from now on. Chris played The Show by Girls Aloud, which he thinks is a good little pop tune. Dave agreed and said it was annoyingly infectious, although not like his eye..
Chris (over 9:30 news bed) - and of course they’re easy on the eye
Dave - Yeah, on the whole...(realises and laughs)...so to speak
(Dave and Chris both laugh)
Dave - On the eye
Carrie - But you’ve got conjunctivitis!!! They wouldn’t go anywhere near your eye
Dave then laughed so much that Chris had to send him out of the studio for the duration of the 9:30 news. When he returned Dom was mocking his affliction, and Dave told him that he’d better shut it or he’d knock him out (forgetting of course that Dom is about a foot taller than him). As if the conjunctivitis wasn’t bad enough, Dave’s sore ear has added insult to injury by blowing out into a full ear infection. He therefore has to make another doctors appointment for today, and said he said he was struggling to hear anything out of his right ear this morning. As soon as he revealed this news, Chris decided to do the whole show out of the right speaker only, so that Dave couldn’t hear what they were saying. Chris repeatedly called him stupid down the right channel and Dom did a knock knock gag with a mumbled punchline. Dave said that that wasn’t entertainment, just pure cruelty. A few texts came in regarding Chris turning off the left speaker..
Chris (reads texts) - “Chris, can you stop messing around with the speakers as my right ones don’t work. From Danny Owen in Leamington Spa”
Chris (in just the right channel) - Shut your face you pillock
Chris (back in both speakers) - Yeah no worries Danny

RAT IN ALED’S BEDROOM:

Forget the UB40 references, this was serious stuff. Aled announced the news to Chris and exec producer Ben in yesterday’s post show meeting, explaining that a rat was spotted in his bedroom last week and then came up his toilet last night. Aled said that his two flatmates had promised to get rid of the rat before he got home from Portugal...but erm, actually didn’t. Chris asked what had kept them so busy that they couldn’t have rung Ratakill (or whatever). Aled said nothing as both his flatmates are unemployed and currently out looking for work. Chris interpreted that as them being freeloading scum. He said Aled was such a sucker when he admitted that he pays more rent than his flatmates do. He said he was obviously living with a couple of dozy losers who were taking him for a ride, and yet he could not see it. Aled told him to take that back and said that granted, his two flatmates are fairly new, but they are not “dozy losers”..
Chris - Well if they’re that poor, at least they should have cooked it and ate it
(plays trail)
Rachel made Chris take that back immediately after the trail and Dave added “safety first” (as usual). I prefer the text from some bloke in London who suggested that a way to get rid of the rat might be to “draw a cat on your bum in felt tip so that if they come up the toilet they’ll be scared back down”...genius. Aled said that one of his housemates had wanted to get rid of it himself (although humanely). This guy was deliberating about whether it could survive in water though and wondered if it would be back...
Chris - I’m no rat expert but I imagine that if the rat is coming up and down your toilet then it can survive in water. It’s not some kind of super aqua rat, from a maximum security rat prison in America
(all laugh)
Something not mentioned on the show today was that Badly Drawn Boy’s new playlisted record is appropriately called “Year Of The Rat” (perhaps backing music if this is to become a regular discussion topic over the coming weeks). Aled had been sent one of those mystic talking 8 ball things, and Chris used it to pose questions about his sponging, wasting, lazy, vermin, yellow belly flat mates (they obviously get on well). The mystic 8 ball suggested that it would be fine for Chris to ring the two flatmates in question live on the air and interrogate them.
Aled - Oooh please don’t do that, it’s too confrontational for me
Chris didn’t call them, although he tried to ring Colin Murray at numerous points of the show. However, each time his phone went straight to voicemail. Chris said he had ordered something for Colin on the Internet and it had arrived today. Dave added that no it wasn’t a Russian bride called Olga. On a little side note, Chris said that he went to school with a fit girl called Olga (although she wasn’t Russian). He read out a few texts guessing what this mystery gift was, including a little jokey reference to a rampant rabbit. Rachel pretended not to know what he was on about, and Dave found it slightly worrying that he knew and she didn’t. She then explained that she did and was only joking. Chris said he now knew what to get her at Christmas this year - a battery recharger.

THE MOYLES MILE - CHRIS’S CELEBRITY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT:>>>>

The big day at Roundhay Park in Leeds is now just over a week and a half away, with Chris running his very own “Moyles Mile” for Sport Relief. It takes place at 1pm in the afternoon and to take part you need to register your details online at the Sport Relief website, to which a link is provided within this section. Not content with stealing Chris’s funny clips into phone call idea from last summer’s Big Brother, Scott Mills is now jumping on the Sport Relief bandwagon and doing his very own “Mills Mile” on the same day in Southampton, or as Will Kinder had typed: “in Southmapton”. The war is on. In terms of numbers running it’s a no contest though. Leeds is third on the list of registrations, behind London Village and the capital of England, Manchester. Chris had various numerical statistics about registrations that Dave tried to analyse, although Rachel told him not to bother as he’s rubbish at Maths (in her patronising teacher voice). She was right though - he ignored her and was...crap at Maths. Chris had some special Sport Relief good luck messages to play out on the air. He didn’t listen to them beforehand, despite Rachel’s insistence that he checked them. She thought he might have found them highly offensive y’see. He didn’t, well only the one. This was from Gary Lineker, who said that Chris wasn’t looking in the best of shape and advised him to take the mile slowly. Chris said he’d kick Gary’s arse and then shove a bag of Walkers down his throat when he’d finished. He then had a go at him for doing last week’s interview in Portugal over the phone, as he said Lineker couldn’t be arsed to walk the full 5 minutes down the road from his hotel to do it by ISDN.
Chris - Go on Lineker, get back to Leicester and munch on some Walkers you pillock
The other messages were from lovely Davina, and the very funny Paddy Kielty and Jo Brand. Paddy called Chris “slightly heavier than normal members of the public” and wished him good luck in a physical sense, while that world famous athlete Jo Brand called him unfit, blobby and heavily overweight (*sniffs* smell the irony *sniffs*), and then told him to “cut down on the chips mate”.
Chris (laughing) - There seems to be a pattern forming, which is “you’re fat and will come last”
(Dave laughs)

(http://www.sportrelief.com - Your chance to sponsor Chris is coming up from Monday too)

OTHER STUFF TODAY:>>>>
With her being at Glasto yesterday and him being in Portugal for the preceding two and a half weeks, Chris said that he couldn’t wait to see his part time lover Jo Whiley against this morning. Dave insisted that Chris’s idea of him and Jo together is some kind of fictional delusion, but Moyles claimed that he was a three woman man - Sophie, Jo and Carrie.
Dave - Well there’s enough of you to go round
Aled’s mystic 8 ball was back in the studio during half time, and Chris told Aled to ask it any question he wanted. Now bearing in mind the fact that Aled could choose from any question in the world, you would never have predicted that he’d ask this (or maybe you would)..
Aled - Will Jo Whiley be wearing pink today?
After berating Aled and him claiming that Chris was a fan of pink (aii), Moyles said that Jo Whiley in pink wasn’t his fantasy - it was her in a Leeds shirt. Dave told him to forget it and said it was never going to happen. Chris pointed out the fact that Scott Mills’ show on Friday was the only one on Radio One to come live from the studio, as Jo and Colin and Edith were at Glastonbury, he was in Portugal and Pete Tong was in Ibiza..
Dave - Crumbs
(pause) Chris - No, Mambo
(Dave’s pig squeal laugh)
Chris also interrupted Dominic’s news today (for a change), to complain about him running a dull story on the building of a 12 mile long bridge in Morecambe Bay. After a little exchange of opinions with Chris (not an argument as such), Dom decided to move on...
Dom - Other news now away from the bridge, and none of the megastars were out for the London premiere of Shrek 2 last night..
Chris (interrupting) - You know why don’t you? It’s cos they’re all standing there in Morecambe waiting for this bridge to be built

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JOHN a photographer from Darlington 2
MARK an electrician from Skegness who sounded like he was on glue 0

Daves Tedious Link
The Cult She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult are led by frontman Ian Astbury - Ian Astbury shares the same christian name as Ian McCaskill the weatherman - The only song I can think of that features the word “weatherman” in the title is Blame It On The Weatherman by B*Witched - B*Witched are Irish, as are the Corrs - Corrs is also a type of beer - Beer is brewed from hops - Hops is a word also associated with rabbits and BMX bandits - If you add the words “one” and “arm” to the front of the word “bandits” you get “one arm bandits”, which is another word for fruit machines - Fruit machines are found in pubs, as are pool tables - Pool tables have pockets and in that respect share something in common with trousers - Trousers are one of the few things that can be worn by men, women and children - and children are more likely to get lost at airports and sporting events, and in these circumstances can normally be found at the meeting point - and meeting point when said in French is pronounced “Rendez-Vu” - Which links us predictably to Basement Jaxx and Rendez-Vu

JO WHILEY, THE LEEDS SHIRT AND THAT FART MACHINE AGAIN:>>>>

Chris had just started his final link when a very pleasant surprise walked in through the studio door. It was his favourite sandwich filling Jo Whiley, who was only bloody wearing a Leeds United shirt as requested earlier!! Chris said this was like one of his major fantasies, especially when Jo went round to his side of the desk and gave him a big *nice to see you* kiss on the mouth. Chris was checking out her black bra and boobs, this as Dave repeatedly asked Jo whether she’d spent her weekend on drugs at Glastonbury. She scurried back next door to hit her button for the 10 o’clock switchover. Before she did though, she asked Chris if he’d wear nothing but a Spurs shirt on her birthday next week. He agreed (amazingly)...
Chris (over Jo’s first song by U2) - It’s worth it if I get to sleep with her
Jo - I said nothing about sleeping
Chris - Wahey!!! My kind of girl!
Just as Jo was mid way through her first link, she was interrupted by the fart machine going off randomly from somewhere in her studio. She laughed her head off and screamed out at Chris, who was obviously controlling it from outside the studio window. He popped in after her next song for a chat, and said sorry for bringing such childishness to such a series music based show. She accepted the apology but still wouldn’t let Chris leave until he had told her where he had hid the fart machine. Eventually he did, and she found it under her desk (pretty much where Carrie had found it earlier - although obviously in a different studio).

> Tuesday June 29th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Monday 28th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Monday, June 28 2004 by MC_]

1. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 3. Pink feat William Orbit - Feel Good Time, 4. J Kwon - Tipsy, 5. BUZZ OFF - Vic Reeves & The Wonder Stuff - Dizzy, 6. The Strokes - 12:51 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Tomcraft - Loneliness, 8. Usher - Burn, 9. McFly - Obviously, 10. Eminem - Lose Yourself 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded, 12. Kelis - Trick Me, 13. Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory (Live @ Glastonbury - 25/06/04), 14. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 15. Nelly Furtado - Forca 8:30 NEWSBEAT 16. D. Kay & Epsilon feat Stamina MC - Barcelona, 17. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes, 18. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 19. The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary (Tedious Link), 20. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 21. Estelle - 1980, 22. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know (Live @ Glastonbury - 26/06/04), 23. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix) 9:30 NEWSBEAT 24. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 25. Nickelback - How You Remind Me, 26. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk

They’re back then. Back in the UK, back in London and back on the air - all in the matter of six or seven hours. The big plane back from Portugal touched down home at roughly 11 o'clock last night, but a delay with the baggage meant that Chris, Dave and co didn’t leave Heathrow till around about half 12 this morning. Dave got to bed at 1:30 and was up again at half 4. Chris described his eyes as like soles in the snow this morning. Dave admitted that he was really knackered and couldn’t wait for the show to finish so that he could go back to bed - nice. Chris had a lie in till half 5 (rock a loo la) and before he went to bed at around quarter to two he watched a bit of the Glastonbury stuff he’d Sky Plussed over the weekend. This included sets from Muse, Basement Jaxx, Sir Macca and the mighty Oasis. Even me as the biggest Oasis fan you can imagine, will freely admit that they weren’t quite on top form on Friday night. Chris thought Liam was drunk as he didn’t think his voice was up to scratch on the live version of Morning Glory that he played. Chris said he was really impressed by Muse though, and he also thought Sir Paul played a blinder (Live and Let Die in particular). Quite a large proportion of the show was spent talking about Glastonbury actually. Chris seemed to say hello to people listening there every single link, which became very repetitive and dull. Dave thought it was a lot more likely that the people listening at Glasto would have been up all night, rather than having just got up. The texts coming in seemed to suggest otherwise though. All this Glasto chat got Rachel jealous. She’s a regular there and thinks it’s the best thing in the world. She said she couldn’t really complain as she was in a villa in Portugal with a private pool at the time, but she said she was still disappointed to have missed out on it. Chris confirmed that had the team not been in Portugal then they would have been at Glastonbury instead. As a Glastonbury virgin and someone who doesn’t have a burning desire to go, Chris wasn’t too fussed...especially as it was very muddy this year. His girlfriend Sophie was there working on Colin and Edith’s BBC3 show all week, and she told him that wellies were most definitely the footwear of choice. Chris said that that would be a problem for him as he’s not getting his Prada’s dirty for anyone. Another person yet to pop their Glastonbury cherry is Comedy Dave, who said he’d be interested in going if it wasn’t going to rain but wouldn’t be if it was. He thought the best thing to do would be to get a comprehensive weather forecast a couple of days beforehand and then decide whether to go or not. Chris kindly reminded Dave at this point that you do need to get your tickets a couple of months in advance.
Dave - Oh yeah. Good point..

(Vernon, Colin and Edith and Jo Whiley all at Glasto)
(For tons more pics and hundreds of great Glasto links click here)
(Or listen again to a wide range of Radio 1 shows from across the Glastonbury weekend here)
Chris said in some ways he’d missed being back in the studio at Radio 1 HQ. He said it was good to be butch on the mic again, and to have a bacon and sausage butty combo for Breakfast. It’s like torture listening to that when you’re in bed and all you’ve got is a box of cornflakes downstairs. *salivates* mmm bacon butties *salivates*. One thing that had changed when the team got back to Yalding House this morning was the fact that one of the doors into their office had completely vanished. The only way to get in now is by going through a door further along the corridor, next to which a new, modern Big Brother type room has been installed. Dave said it would confuse a sleepy person at ten past six in the morning. Chris played in clips from that legendary Fawlty Towers episode where Basil asks Manuel where his door has gone. The way Chris introduced them and played them in was brilliant, e.g by having Dave played by John Cleese. You really need to Listen Again to fully appreciate it. The listen again link is further down the review (it’s about an hour and 40 mins in).

CHART CHITTER CHAT WITH OLD WESLEY:>>>>

(Don’t forget you can listen again to this weeks Official Chart with Wes by clicking here)
The usually perky Wes was sounding unusually tired and flat for a second week running this morning. He had literally just propped his head up from lying in bed and was doing the chart recap from this position. Chris asked Wes to talk the listeners through his night wear, but to be honest there was nothing to talk through - he sleeps starkers. To prove this (although I'm not sure I want it proving), Chris asked Wes to slap part of his body. He slapped his knee..
Dave - It sounds too fleshy for a knee that Wes
Wes - What?
Chris - He’s got fat knees though has Wes
Dave - Has he?
Chris - He’s got excess flesh on the knee
Wes (to Dave) - Yeah, did you not know that?
Chris - That’s what we all call him at work, fat knee Wes
Wes thanked Chris for getting him into football. He said he watched the England game in the pub the other night and really enjoyed it, despite us losing. Chris told him it was now time to identify his team then, based on where he was born. Wes was born 20 minutes down the road from me in Salford, which is very much United land. I wouldn’t have expected Chris or Dave to know this, but having lived there for god knows how many years I thought at least Wes would have known that they were his local team. Yes Salford is a separate city to Manchester but United’s ground is on the Salford - Trafford border so is virtually in Salford. Chris was obviously not too keen on the idea of Wes becoming a red, so Wes said he’d set up his own football team in Salford instead. Hmm, I think he may have to learn the offside rule first. Butters said he was disappointed Come As You Are by Beverley Knight only charted at 9 yesterday, and he’s got reason to be disappointed as it’s a great record. The same sadly can’t be said about this weeks number 10, "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by The Girls Of FHM. Wes tried to explain who they were to Chris. I wouldn’t have bothered, all he needed to know was that the video is good. Number one this week is obviously Obviously by McFly (y’see what I did there...guh huh). Chris thinks it’s a great pop record and told Wes to introduce it. He crashed the vocals badly and proceeded to blame the bad phoneline. Chris told him to get his watch for the seven second intro. Wes said he would but it was across the room, he was naked and he’d forgot to close the curtains last night. Chris said he didn’t need to make excuses, he knew he was a perv. On next weeks chart show there is an Usher platinum disc up for grabs. It’s for his album Confessions and will have the name of whoever wins it engraved onto it. Chris said that the prize was a bit poor when compared to some of their recent ones, like giving away trips to see bands abroad...
Wes - Well you know Usher phoned me up and said...*puts on awful American accent*...hey Wes, I got my platinum disc, do you wanna give it away?”...*normal voice*...and I was like alright Usher, if you want me to..
Dave - Is he German?
(Dave laughs)


FLIRTING WITH CARRIE:
So this is week 2 of Carrie’s cover for Juliette, who’s still busy eating strawberries and cream underneath an umbrella at Wimbledon. It’s the first time Chris has seen Carrie in ages, as when she used to read sport on the odd afternoon show (and that’s going back a bit) she was always upstairs in Newsbeat with Georgina. Chris had forgotten what she looked like and was very impressed with what he saw this morning, face to face in Studio 3. He said that she was looking foxy, although not as in Doctor Foxy as that would be ridiculous (on a little side note Chris played that Johnny Vaughan jingle again today - the one that I love). He didn’t take long to check Carrie out, as he’d already noticed her white thong by the 7:00 bulletin. Unsurprisingly she sounded slightly embarrassed but Dom jumped in to say that he too was wearing a thong this morning. He hadn’t really thought it through properly though and said that he was wearing a brown one, an unfortunate choice of colour if ever there was one. Dom’s intervention didn’t put predator Moyles off his prey though. After every bulletin (or even during them) there was some sort of sexual innuendo or flirting going on, although it has to be said that it was entirely one way. The fact it takes up so much of this review is a clear indication of how much of the show it took up too. I just take it Moyles is yet to see Sophie since he got back. He seemed erm...frustrated. He said that Carrie looked more and more like a secretary from the Benny Hill show as the morning went on, in her sexy spectacles. There isn’t any Internet pics of her (oi not like that) so the best I’ve been able to get is her on the webcam today (that’s Carrie in the white)...


Just to take the topic of conversation away from her thong or cleavage for a moment, Chris asked Carrie what she thought of Wayne Rooney’s future at Everton. She said he’ll probably be gone within the fortnight, which outraged Dave. Vitty wouldn’t comment on what Carrie referred to as Everton’s “freak season” two years ago (when they finished 7th). He also refused to talk about the Wayne Rooney situation as he said he didn’t want to fuel the rumour mill. It didn’t take long for frisky Chris to get back to pestering an uncomfortable Carrie again. He said he couldn’t help it, he’d seen her white thong and her tight white top was showing off her breasts beautifully.
Rachel - Chris!!!
Chris - Listen, I’m sorry..
Dave - This is borderline harassment!!
Chris said it was a compliment and Carrie said it was ok, she wasn’t offended. Rachel told her she didn’t have to put up with this though and Chris then turned on Rach in a furious rage. He told her that she was looking like a hound this morning and said that at least Carrie had made an effort with her hair, rather than using chopsticks to straighten it. Rach said she’d only had three hours sleep but Chris wasn’t having that as an excuse. He said she looked like a bloke today. Dave said that Carrie was a serious sports news journo here to do a job of work, and not be made uncomfortable by an overweight man commenting on her chest. Carrie is single and Chris went in for the kill. Dave said that he felt sick, although that might have been due to something else (more on that later)...
Chris (to Carrie) - What sort of men do you go for?
Dave (interrupting) - Fat ones?!!
Chris - Shut up
(all laugh)

***Out of nothing...***
Dom (to Chris) - Would you like to mouth kiss Carrie?
Chris - Pardon?
(all laugh)
Dom - Is that what you’re leading up to here?
Chris - What are you trying to say?
Dom - I’m saying that perhaps you should. It’d be good for the ratings and good for the trail
(Dave laughs)
Thereafter followed a hilarious and completely bizarre link featuring chat about Russian Internet brides (Saskia), Dominic’s marriage, BBC1, legal Lithuanians, passports as birthday presents, Jules sleeping with Chris (not really) and Chris trying to get Carrie to sleep with him (really). You need to Listen Again to fully appreciate it for yourself (around 2 hours 40 in - available till Monday July 5th).

MORE TALES FROM LAST NIGHT:>>>>
As you will know if you listened to the show or read my reviews last week, Dominic and his wife went over to Portugal at the weekend for a little break with the Chris and the team. Slaphead Byrne managed to burn (guh huh) his head out there and was peeling like a potato on the flight back. He said the air conditioning on the plane was just very dry. Dave said he was shocked and appalled to wake up on the plane last night and find Aled applying dove body silk to Chappers’ arm. Chappers was lapping it up too, he wasn’t even objecting. Aled said that he got a real dirty look from Dave when he then offered some of the body silk to him. Chris nipped in and said that that was because cleanliness is next to laziness when it comes to Dave. Dave said that that was untrue and said he’d actually had a shower today, contrary to popular belief...
Dave - and I just don’t believe in needing Body Silk for men
Carrie - You stick to your vaseline eh Dave?
(all laugh)
Dave - I don’t use vaseline either Carrie, now that you ask. I’m more of an au naturale type of person
Dom (who is another one scared of flying) was getting worried during the flight when the pilot came over the speakers and started off by saying “It’s not the best news in the world folks...”. He almost had a heart attack. Dave was also left less than confident when the pilot misdirected the passengers to their headphone jacks. Dave said he was just hopeful that the pilot didn’t muck up any of his buttons up the front...and thankfully for us all he didn’t. Otherwise it would have been Scott Mills for Breakfast this morning. As well as Mr Mark *zero tolerance level* Chapman going into a sulk about the 90 minute wait for baggage reclaimer, Dave was also left a little unhappy.
Dave - BA last night in the world of baggage reclaim stood for bugger all
(all laugh)
Rachel - Dave!!
Chris and Dave had a Guess Who from the airport last night. Dom and Carrie played, Dom didn’t see this mystery celebrity cos him and his wife took all their bags as hand luggage and didn’t have to wait for baggage reclaimer. It was Howard Donald from Take That, who had just come back from doing a bit of DJ’ing in Germany. Chris and Dave said hello and chatted to him for a bit..
Chris - and he said that he loves the show and especially likes One Road Travel
Dom - Does he? Thanks very much
Chris - No, he’s never heard the show in his life
(hits D. Kay & Epsilon track)

Buzz Off this morning was another corker - Dizzy by Vic Reeves and The Wonderstuff (number one in October 1991). No votes came in at all from the team (not even Aled) and the text vote was 76.65% Buzz On. Chris said pardon his language but he bloody loves The Wonderstuff. Dave agreed that they were a fantastic band. Other stuff today included the introduction of a new show bed that I’ve heard quite a bit on a few of my local commercial stations. It would be better as an instrumental and needs looping, but it was sounding good nonetheless. Chris also slagged off Radio One this morning for the pointless trails that he has to play about his show and the general daytime line up. He thinks they’re stupid and doesn’t see the point in them, especially as they end the trail with the show order all jumbled up again. Chris said stuff that, all the audience need to know is that if they have a rajar diary, tick Chris Moyles. Please, go on you know you want to. Other complaints today included one with online and two with the fact that some pillock had deleted both the Tedious Link theme and the London Marathon theme from the show’s jingle pages. Chris said heads are gonna roll when he runs round the building screaming and shouting at ten. Especially about the Tedious theme (even though Rach found it with about 30 seconds to spare), as that is an integral part of the show that station controller Andy Parfitt describes as “an appointment to listen". Chris also plugged Sport Relief and The Moyles Mile yet again, the website is here and the Moyles Mile is on Saturday July 10th at Roundhay Park in Leeds. You know all there is to know about that item by now, and if not then check back in the archives by clicking the link at the top of the page.


DAVE MEDICAL UPDATE
He has a sore ear and he thinks he has picked up an eye infection from the swimming pool in Portugal, which he plans to sort out at the doctors today.
Chris - erm, I have an “i”Pod
Dave - That’s not gonna help me
Chris - Right OK

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
TOM a chrismoyles.net messageboard member who works for a travel company in Weymouth 2
DAVID training to be a corgi engineer in Broadstairs 0

Daves Tedious Link
James Come Home - Come home is what we’ve done after our two and a half week exile in a Portuguese villa - Villa in the world of football are managed by David O’Leary - David O’Leary shares the same surname as Dermot O’Leary - Dermot O’Leary shaves his head - Head & Shoulders is a famous brand of shampoo - Shampoo had a 1994 hit with Trouble - Trouble rhymes with rubble, which is the surname of Flintstones characters Barney and Betty - If you swap the E in Betty for a U you get butty, as in bacon butty which was a breakfast treat for us this morning and something that we’ve been missing - Missing You was a 1984 hit for John Waite - John Waite shares the same surname as Terry Waite the former hostage - The word “hostage” nearly rhymes with ostrich, which is the fastest of all running birds - Birds that are in danger might be kept in a sanctuary - and if the sanctuary was run by a woman on a commercial basis, I suppose you could say that she would be selling sanctuary - Which links us to The Cult and She Sells Sanctuary

JO WHILEY KNICKER FLASH:>>>>

If you’re like me and have watched a lot of the weekend’s Glastonbury coverage on TV, you’ll know that Jo Whiley was looking very much the piece of vintage bintage that she is on BBC2. I’ve got to say Lauren Laverne was looking nice too, and Mark Radcliffe was just a comedy genius. Back to Jo though, and there were rumours circulating on text today that Jo did a Basic Instinct style leg crossover at one point of the weekend...resulting in a knicker flash. With the team out in Portugal, no one saw it unfortunately...
Chris - She never flashes her knickers to us
Dave - No, no matter how many times you ask
Chris - The only way I get to see those knickers is by climbing that massive tree outside her house and holding them binoculars when she’s getting into the shower
(Dom and Dave laugh)
Dave (still laughing) - Why would she get in the shower with knickers on? That’d be ridiculous!!!
Chris - Because she knows I’m watching. You know she compromises, she leaves something on...you know what I mean?
Dave - mmm, just to tease you
Jo (laughing & interrupting) - Will you stop it now!!
Chris (sounding shocked) - Oh Hi Jo
Dave - *cough*
Jo was still on site at Glastonbury and interrupted as Chris headed for the pips, saying that she couldn’t think of any more embarrassing than doing that live on national telly and then hearing about it for the first time live on national radio...
Jo - What colour knickers was I wearing?
Chris - Apparently black ones
(all laugh - including Jo)
Jo - Well at least I was wearing some!!!
Chris - Oh! What a thought! (pips play)

> Monday June 28th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Chappers & Dave Show #7 - Sat 26th June 04 (MC) [Posted Saturday, June 26 2004 by MC_]

LIVE FROM PORTUGAL



1. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ, 2. Kelis - Trick Me, 3. J Kwon - Tipsy, 4. McFly - Obviously, 5. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 6. Sugababes - Round Round, 7. N*E*R*D - Maybe 1:30 NEWSBEAT 8. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 9. Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This, 10. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 11. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 12. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 13. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 14. The Strokes - Last Nite, 15. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate, 16. Blur - Country House (Sporting Number One), 17. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 18. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme 2:30 NEWSBEAT 19. Eminem - The Real Slim Shady, 20. Blink 182 - Down, 21. Girls Aloud - The Show, 22. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 23. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 24. Nelly Furtado - Forca

So this was it then. The final two hours of Radio One’s 51 live from Portugal, hosted in the villa by messieurs Chapman and Vitty. There was no pre-show link up with Vernon, as he was knee deep in mud at Glastonbury doing festival stuff. With it being the final show from the villa, it was “everything must go” clearance time - with lilos, a football and the villa’s huge 8ft tall Euro 2004 posters up for grabs to the best texters. Some idiots on the text actually thought Chappers was being serious when he said Rachel was being given away too. The eventual winner of the muddy (and chlorine smelling) football was some bloke who said he’d give it to his cousin as a wedding present...classy. The posters were won by Tim in Bristol, simply because he had a van and could collect them (they wouldn’t fit in the post y’see). The lilos were won by Neil in Ellesmere Port thanks to his rhyme about Urs Meier, sinners and winners, although Dave said Neil might have been put off it by the fact that Moyles and Rhys “chunky Gutzilla” Hughes were floating around on them like hippos for pretty much the duration of the show. Most of the team were a little hungover today. Dave said he was still partly hungover from Thursday in a football sense, and partly hungover from last night in a beer sense. Chappers said him and Rachel consumed seven half bottles of white wine at the restaurant last night, which they enjoyed while settling down to see Greece beat France 1-0 on the telly. Rhys was doing his bit for European relations by singing “au revoir, au revoir, au revoir” throughout the second half, and even Dave admitted that seeing the French go out takes away a tiny bit of pain from Thursday’s defeat. The Portuguese weren’t going to let them forget about it though, as they tried to repeatedly replay the penalty shoot out after full time in the France game. Chappers had nabbed the remote though and kept trying to flick to fishing or what looked like the Portuguese version of Last Of The Summer Wine on other channels. This (as you can imagine) didn’t make him the most popular person in the restaurant. Eventually the Portuguese got their way (well it was their restaurant) and the Radio One team had to re live England’s defeat about a further 17 times.
Chappers - It was a shame cos the Portuguese Last Of The Summer Wine was a lot funnier than the English version
Dave - It was, their Compo looked great didn’t he...
(hits vocal on The Farm, which why Radio One are still playing I do not know)
As if it hadn’t been rubbed in enough, Jocelyn (who I think is Irish) brought Chappers a glass of water in a cup with Helder Postiga on the side. He is that sh*te Spurs striker who somehow scored Portugal’s equaliser on Thursday, and then compounded our misery by dinking in that horrible little shot in the penalty shoot out. The cup obviously came from McDonalds, as Mark said that one fast food chain are giving out cups with Portugal players on in their happy meals (therefore giving away the chain in question). Chris told Joss that he’d prefer it in a mug next time, as he doesn’t want to be drinking water out of Helder Postiga (so to speak).


ALAN HANSEN INTERVIEW:

Just a few hours after the show finished on Friday morning, Dave and Chappers got in the car and drove down to Lisbon to interview Mr Alan Hansen in the same swanky hotel that they met Peter Reid in last week. It was very much the morning after the night before, and Alan said that he was still a bit fragile after staying up to the early hours with his English wife and children, who were unsurprisingly drowning their sorrows. Dave asked Alan for his assessment of England’s performance against Portugal. It’s hard to disagree with anything he said, and that’s why (Andy Gray aside) he’s the best pundit on TV. Alan thought England were really poor, the worst they’ve played in any of their four matches in Portugal. He pointed the finger at the midfield in particular, as well as the referee. He said that as much as they played poorly, they did show tremendous spirit to get back in the game and the referee bottled a major, major decision. Alan was pretty cutting in his verdict on the standard of refereeing so far in Euro 2004...he said it had been abysmal. Nevertheless though, he thought the England players would feel worse waking up than they would have done had they been beaten in the final. He said that that was because for the first time since 1990, they genuinely knew and believed in the dressing room that they had a great chance of winning the tournament. Alan didn’t assign any blame for the defeat to Beckham, and said that taking a penalty on that spot was like playing a bunker shot in golf...as Beckham’s standing foot sunk in the sand as he went to hit it. Next up was Chappers’ favourite part of the whole interview. It was when Dave asked Alan if he shared the view that Portugal could win the tournament if they got their act together up front...
Alan - Well Dave, I can’t agree with you there in the slightest
He said he wasn’t surprised Dave was an Evertonian. Alan said that he doesn’t think Portugal are good enough to win it, and added that he’d go for France or the Czech Republic. Given the fact that the Greeks beat France last night and Alan took the mick out of his prediction of Portugal, Dave said he was feeling slightly superior this morning. If Portugal go on to win Euro 2004, Dave wants Alan back on the show via phone to admit that he was wrong. From their position at England’s past two games at the Stadium Of Light, Chappers and Dave have been able to see the BBC box and what goes on in and around it. While Reidy and Wrighty pace around aside, Alan has to stay in the studio and watch the monitors with Gary. This is because he picks the half time analysis that is shown. Alan said that as soon as there’s a contentious issue or goal though, both Ian and Peter are back inside for a second look on TV. Alan said Wrighty was virtually battering down the studio wall when Owen scored (as he’d predicted) against Portugal on Thursday.




JULES LIVE AT WIMBLEDON AND THE REGULAR FEATURES:>>>>
It was good to here Juliette back on the show this afternoon. She joined Chappers and Dave live from Wimbledon, which is where she is this fortnight (reporting for Radio Five Live). Dave and Mark made a point of continually mentioning how there wasn’t a cloud in the sky by the villa, this as Chris and Rhys kept on splashing the pool. Jules said she had lots of splashing where she was too, but only because it was bucketing it down with rain (like it was where I was). To be fair to Jules she didn’t bite and kept fairly refrained amongst all the boasting and splashing coming from Portugal. At one point the atmos mics even picked up Rhys shouting out “Will someone get me another beer!”. Jules said with the lack of tennis she’s been keeping herself busy with a microphone, sandwiches, beer and some sausage rolls. She said pims are a fiver at Wimbledon and even a yoghurt and a slice of cake cost her £4.70 yesterday...what a bargain eh. She did a quick tennis round up too, saying that Tim is due on court later today but will almost certainly now be on tomorrow, as Wimbledon play on middle Sunday for the only the third time ever, essentially meaning that real tennis fans get the tickets on a first come first served basis, and not any suit wearing corporate types. Gotta be a good thing in my book...

(Jules - live at Wimbledon after 2:30)
This week was week 2 of Portugoal Of The Month. Remember the 3 best goals of the week are played out and in a couple of weeks time there will be 11 or 12 of them, from which the Radio One audience have to pick the top 3 goals of Euro 2004. If their opinion matches that of the special celebrity panel, then they win access to all of Radio 1’s Summer Events in the UK (basically everything excluding Ibiza). This weeks best three goals were Wayne Rooney’s first for England against Croatia (Goal D), John Dahl Tomasson’s long range dipping volley for Denmark against Sweden (Goal E) and Michael Ballack’s left foot cracker for Germany against the Czechs (Goal F). I cannot believe Milan Baros’s goal from the Czech Republic - Holland match isn’t there. Goals G, H and I will be on the show next week nonetheless. This weeks 3 And In was contested (although that’s probably the wrong word) by Lucy in Wiltshire and Paul in Basingstoke. Up for grabs were tickets to quarter final day on Wimbledon Centre Court this Wednesday (rain permitting obviously). Both were huge tennis fans and Lucy said she even has a pot of strawberries growing in her garden. That’s a pot of strawberries she’s growing in her garden, not pot she’s growing in her garden (as mistakenly heard by Chappers). Her competitor Paul was down at the local driving range, trying (in vain) to teach his son how to play golf.
Dave - Are you stood there club in hand as we speak?
(Paul laughs)
Paul - Er yeah kind of. I’ve actually got my wood in my hand as we speak
Dave - Have you? and a bag of balls in the other hand?
Paul - Oh yes
(Chappers laughs)
Lucy was selected to go first in the customary off air toss (unfortunate terminology bearing in mind the above discussion) so she answered the first question. In fact she got the first three right and won without Paul having a chance to play at all. He wasn’t best pleased and sounded awfully bitter as he accused Dave of making the questions too easy. Country House by Blur (September 95) was this weeks Sporting Number One, s chosen by Everton fan Joe to coincide with Frank Bruno defeating Oliver McCall at Wembley and winning the WBO Heavyweight Championship in boxing. Joe said he was there too, although he was just 13. Chappers also played this weeks number one contender Obviously by McFly, who’ll be guests with both him and Dave in Norwich on July 17th for Radio One On The Road. They’ll be live from the Sports Park on Earlham Road, with essentially the whole idea of the day being to get people fit. Dave said it was therefore obvious that Radio One would opt for the two best physical specimens at the station to host the day - him and Mark. After the show there’s also going to be a big 5 a side tournament, with Emma B captaining the Radio One girls team and Chappers’ the mens team. Also in the squad are Dave, Dr Mark and Colin Murray (so bring your shin pads if you’re playing). Full details on how to take part can be found here via Radio One ONLINE.


NEWS TEASERS:>>>>
1. Which Radio One DJ spent the week having in depth conversations with a Shrek cuddly toy?
A. Wes
2. Which Radio One DJ went to the ladies by mistake at the Stadium Of Light the other evening?
A. Chris Moyles

- Chappers and Dave ended their final show from Portugal as Chris did on Friday, with a big list of thank you’s. They also jumped into the pool simultaneously just before their last record, to a big round of applause and cheer from the villa crew (I think more for the show than their jumps)...


> Live From Portugal - Chappers and Dave Show 26th June - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday 25th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Friday, June 25 2004 by MC_]



1. Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 3. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 4. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 5. BUZZ OFF - Motorhead - Ace Of Spades, 6. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony, 8. Usher - Burn, 9. Jay Sean feat Rishi Rich Project - Eyes On You, 10. Razorlight - Golden Touch 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River, 12. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 13. Will Young - Friday's Child, 14. Sugababes - Stronger 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 16. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 17. Blink 182 - Down, 18. James - Come Home (Tedious Link), 19. Outkast - Roses, 20. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 21. Maroon 5 - This Love 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 23. The Strokes - Last Nite, 24. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 25. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

Chris and Dave had a tough, tough job trying to lift the nation’s spirits this morning, but they tried as best they could and in the end it turned out to be a pretty good show. It began as you may have expected, with Chris opting for a downbeat classical piece to open proceedings. He interrupted it to announce that he would not be put off by last night’s events, although he did say that three words filled the mouths of all England fans this morning...we wuz robbed.

JINGLE (OVER CHURCH TYPE MUSIC):>>>>
“We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We would have won the game but the referee was...very poor,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”


Predictably but suitably the first record was Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis, just as it was 2 years ago when Brazil beat us in the World Cup. After the news Chris went straight into a special package that condensed last night’s game into three minutes, over the bed of Dry Your Eyes by The Streets. It then went straight into the actual record itself, and was repeated up to the pips just before the end of the show. It featured commentary from the key incidents of last night's game, courtesy of the Five Live team. It was quite moving and even the Streets tune (which I think is average) seemed quite poignant when played. Chris rued the fact the team will be back in London on Monday with cloudy weather, rude people and expensive cigarettes. He said he was genuinely crying coming out of that stadium last night...and it wasn’t because he dropped his hotdog or owt. The whole team (like the whole of England) were feeling completely deflated this morning, and were all sounding croaky and hoarse from the shouting that they’d been doing last night. Chris said his emotions had been up and down like a nun’s knickers. Penalties really is a horrible way to go out of a tournament, and that’s already four major tournaments in my brief lifetime that we’ve gone out of on them. Dave admitted that he never fancied us if it got to pens, and I’d be lying if I said I did. Best not to focus on that though - instead best to focus on Mr Arse Meier and that disallowed goal. Chris said legally he couldn’t say it was a fix, but you knew what he was inferring. People may say Chris and I am bitter cos we will go on about this, but the simple fact is that it was a key decision and he got it wrong. Yes Portugal were the better team, yes we defended too deep and yes we missed Wayne Rooney...but we were level on the key statistic that counted - goals scored. So when we have a perfectly good goal disallowed, all you Scots and Welsh erm...people can surely understand that we are entitled to feel a little peeved. Chappers (who was up before the show started for only the second time in 2 weeks), had found out some very interesting information about our new friend Urs. He said that not only does he have highlights in his hair, but he also has a very big ego. This is because he has his own official website, including an interview, information on his fitness regime, his own fan club...and a feedback section. That’s right, Urs wants to hear from you.
Dave - So we could critically evaluate his performance last night then
Chris said absolutely. He was sure Urs would be delighted to wake up to lots of happy, friendly e-mails this morning, congratulating him on his superb performance last night (cue Chris brilliantly impersonating Urs in his generic foreign, Avid Merrion type accent). Later in the day there were stories about this website crashing etc, and people criticising TV stations for giving the address out. In a way Chris started all of this, although at no point did he ever give the actual address out. There’s nowt stopping me though - click here (a good understanding of German is required though). Rachel was submitting her details and trying to join his fan club, but her computer kept crashing. She said that on the list of required details it asks for you to state favourite football team. Chappers said he was pretty sure in that case that Rachel was the only Kidderminster Harriers supporter in Urs Meier’s fan club.
Rhys - and we must always remember that feedback...is a gift
(Dave laughs)
Chris (laughing) - I’m telling ya
At 7:55 Chris also started a mass “we wuz robbed” textathon, which had brought in total of 93 000 texts by the end of the show. That’s roughly one and a half times as many people were in the stadium last night.


MORE NEW JINGLES:>>>>
“Owen started well but then we lost Wayne Rooney,
We would have won the game but the referee went loony,
Our hearts were in our mouths, we should have won with ease,
We thought the ref was Swiss but he must be Portuguese,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”

(and my favourite...)
“England beat Portugal but the ref dismissed our goal,
It was clearly in the net and our hearts went out to Sol,
Our team is coming home and their pilots name is Dennis,
Now it's down to Tim and Greg to win the bloody tennis,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”

STUBBSY, JACK BAINE AND MORE MATCH CHAT:

Ray Stubbs was back on the phone at 8:45, although he said it was a pity he wasn’t chatting to Chris in better circumstances. Ray said that he just felt flat and empty this morning, and added that everything just seemed to conspire against us last night. Just like the World Cup two years ago, all the pundits around him were saying that it’s another missed opportunity for England. Ray said aside from the mechanics of football, it just shows how life can play such tricks on you. David Beckham being the prime example, as everything that can go wrong, will go wrong for him at the minute. I don’t hold Beckham to blame personally but there’s no doubt his form has been average at best in this tournament. Ray thinks going on about the goal is clutching at straws a bit, but like I said before it is what it all comes down to. Dave added his two pennies worth - saying that we were on the back foot all of the second half due to our insistence to lob the ball up to two tiny strikers and not get it on the floor and keep possession. Ray said it’s gonna be quite painful staying to the end of the tournament now that England have been knocked out. My arse - it’s still sun and booze aplenty. Chris invited Stubbsy to the team’s big night out tonight, but he is presenting a highlights show on the France - Greece game and can’t make it.

(Jack Baine)
Jack linked up live with Chris after half seven for their final little chat from Portugal. He watched the game in a bar down by the docks in Lisbon last night and said it was just horrible to witness the England fans trudging off quietly into the distance, as the Portuguese partied on into the night. Jack said driving back to his hotel in the centre of Lisbon was like a nightmare, stuck in a 4/5 mile traffic jam that was more like a Portuguese carnival parade, with people beeping their car horns and getting out onto their bonnets. Aled recorded some audio of what it was like by the villa, as he watched the game in a local bar. Chris played it out and then told them to shove their horns up their arse. Jack said at one point last night he saw an older lady dancing in just a red thong, with a whistle in her mouth. Everyone in the villa turned their faces up at this, expect for engineer Steve who was showing his age. Chris said England may have lost the match (although technically we drew), but without a doubt we won the flag war inside the stadium. Dave’s favourite was a Hull City one that had “on the dole, we don’t care” written on it. Chappers said his favourite was a Libya flag that he spotted in the stadium for some reason. God bless the Libyans eh.
Dave - Which was weird because the fella in the restaurant before the game looked like Colonel Gaddafi didn’t he, with the long wig on...
(all laugh)

Chris said that as Leeds United fans, it hasn’t been a massively successful football year for him and Rhys. Rhys was saying on the tube yesterday that all he has to look forward to now is Gillingham away in August - joy. Chris said he was so excited when the fixture lists came out yesterday. Dave’s Everton have Arsenal...and Leeds have Derby County. Rock on. Mind you it could be worse, we’ve got Yeovil at home first game. 65 000 people watched the England - Portugal match on the big screens at Glastonbury last night, that’s the same amount of people who were in the actual stadium itself. Amongst those were Rachel’s mate, Carrie’s cousin and Chris’s girlfriend Sophie, who was too nervous to watch at one point so went off for a walk. Chris said his mouth was dry and shaking when it came to penalties, and he actually wondered if he could watch them without collapsing. He spoke to Soph afterwards but wouldn’t pick up her call during the match himself. He asked what the point of that was and said that everyone who rang him during the game should bugger off. He also complained about the people who texted him afterwards saying “Are you upset?” or something along those lines - I mean, no sh*t sherlock. These people included Sophie, Emma B, Sandy, Rob DJ, his mum, Ginner and the prince of Stoke himself, Mr Mark Bright. Chris used the old “my phone ran out of battery” excuse for not replying.

DOM IN PORTUGAL AND COMEDY DAVE’S LAST EVER EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>
In the worst piece of timing since Emile Heskey tackled Claude Makelele last week, Dominic is flying out to spend the weekend with the team in Portugal (cos unlike the jingles say, they actually fly home on Sunday). Carrie revealed that Dom was going to go out and buy some new gear yesterday, for his two days in Portugal. Byrne protested that he needed some new sandals, although nothing quite as expensive as Chris’s £135 flip flops...
Chris - They’re Prada!!!
(Carrie laughs)
Dave - Man of the people
(all laugh)
Dave said Chris’s prada sandals looked a bit like special shoes. Dom butted in to say that he did actually have to wear built up special shoes when he was younger, as he has fallen arches. He said he was given 9 and a half out of 10 when he was born, docked half a point just cos of his feet. Dave asked what the hell he was on about, as he never knew there was a baby grading system...
Dave - Do they not dock points off you for being a slaphead as well?
(all laugh)
Dom - Dave!! I was a new born baby!!!
Rhys (in background) - That’s rich from hobbit foot!
Dom - Oh yes! Frodo Vitty!
(Chris and Rach laugh)
Dave (to Rhys) - Eh Gutzilla!!
Rachel - Now now boys come on
Chris - Oooh. Stop it now, we’re all friends. You know the rules, we’re one big happy family and if you’re gonna pick on anybody, pick on Aled!!
(Dom laughs as Chris plays jingle)

Yep Dave was back after 9:15 for the final ever instalment of Easy Portuguesey. Unsurprisingly his phrases today didn’t include the translations for “we wuz robbed” or “the referee’s a w*nker”, as he went for three more complicated ones instead. Rhys’s half cousin Ben (who speaks fluent Portuguese) was on hand to point out any inaccuracies...and there were a couple. Dave thought he started off by saying “they think it’s all over, it is now”, although he actually said “they think it’s all left, it is now”. He said it was a strong start. Next up was “we don’t mean to sound bitter but Campbell’s goal should never have been disallowed”. However, Ben said that Vitty actually read out “we don’t signify that the aims of Campbell shouldn’t have been disallowed”...nice. Dave did get his last phrase spot on though - “Thank you to the Portuguese for their hospitality and we’ll see you in Germany for the World Cup”. Chris wasn’t going to do Buzz Off this morning as he wasn’t in the mood, but he had a change of heart and blasted out a stomping record that had nothing to do with football, and consequently it cheered everybody right up. It was of course the awesome Ace Of Spades by Motorhead, a number 15 hit back in November 1980. It received an 83% Buzz On response on the text, no votes from Dave, Rachel or Aled, and even got executive trip producer Rhys passionately air drumming and air guitaring around the villa - class.

Chris ended his last show from Portugal by thanking a whole long list of people that I can’t be arsed writing down, and by (as I mentioned earlier) repeating that Streets montage up to the pips and Jo Whiley at Glastonbury at 10 o’clock. Chappers and Dave will still be live from the villa tomorrow at one o’clock. Chris reminded Chappers that it’s not all bad going home, as he gets to see his lovely wife and child again. Mark said him and Sarah had a blazing row on the phone last night, one reason Dave said he didn’t risk phoning Emma. Chris said unlike many of the OB’s they’ve done this year, this one ran perfectly. He said they should just stay out there to do the show, and just barricade themselves in the villa. Rhys was up for it but Rachel said no. Chris said she was just towing the management line cos she has a contract renewal and appraisal coming up next week.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
BRYCE a sales rep originally from Virginia, but now living in Milton Keynes 2
JOHN a warehouse manager from Aylesbury 0

Daves Tedious Link
LL Cool J Phenomenon - The word “phenomenon” is an F sounding word that begins with the letters PH, like the name Philip - Prince Philip is the husband of the Queen - Queen Elizabeth II is the name of a famous ship - Ship Of Fools was a hit for Erasure - Erasure keyboardist Vince Clark was also in Yazoo, along with Alison Moyet - If you swap the last letter of “Moyet” for an S you get Moyes, who is the manager of Everton - Everton entertain title holders Arsenal on the opening day of the new season, while Leeds United play host to the mighty Derby County - Derby County are nicknamed the rams, which are the male equivalent of sheep - Sheep are the primary source of wool - Wool is sold in balls, unlike hay which is sold in bails - If you remove the S from bails you get bail, which is often paired with the word “out” - and out is sadly what England are this morning after losing their Euro 2004 quarter final match on penalties last night to the host nation Portugal, which means that for England another tournament is over and for us, it’s time to come home - Which links us to James and Come Home

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOWS OF THE WEEK: Tuesday/Thursday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: Pandemonium with Jack Baine, hello to Carrie, the Chart Chinwag with Wes, Dave’s Tedious Link cock up and Dominic in general (Monday), the new jingles, Aled’s match and Holiday reports, plus Rhys goes in the pool (Tuesday). Also, site mention, half time, Big Villa and Dom meets Jackie Chan (Wednesday), when Aled met Mafalda, Peter Reid on the phone and Aled gets pushed in the pool by Chappers (Thursday), as well as the montages and jingles, Arse Meier chat and last ever Easy Portuguesey (all Friday). Don’t forget you can Listen Again to all the weeks shows by following the links to Listen Again on Chris’s mini-site @ Radio One Online.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday Jun 25th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs 24th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Thursday, June 24 2004 by MC_]

1. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Blur - Song 2, 3. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 4. Fat Les - Vindaloo, 5. BUZZ OFF - Yello - The Race, 6. D12 - My Band 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Dario G - Sunchyme, 8. Kelis - Trick Me, 9. Nelly Furtado - Forca, 10. The Wiseguys - Ooh La La 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 12. Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You, 13. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 14. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Pink - God Is A DJ, 16. Usher - Burn, 17. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 18. LL Cool J - Phenomenon (Tedious Link), 19. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 20. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate, 21. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Nelly - Hot In Herre, 23. Blink 182 - Down, 24. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 25. The 5678's - Woo Hoo

We’ll start today by wishing a very happy 28th birthday to stand in sport girl Carrie Davies. She said she was in a rush this morning but has lots of presents waiting for her when she gets home, although ideally she would like a bike (as hers was nicked the other day). Chris said people who want bikes for their birthday are usually 12, and he asked Carrie if she was hoping for a dolls house, Polly Pocket and My Little Pony with that too. Carrie is of course filling in for Juliette while she covers Wimbledon on Five Live. However Jules met up with Dom last night as the two of them travelled down to deepest darkest Dorset together to go and see Oasis (who were fantastic as usual). Dom said Jules drove. Chris asked how long it took to get to the gig...
Dom - It took nearly three and a half hours to get there and about an hour and a half to get back
Chris (laughs) - Really?
Dom - Good morning to the Dorset Constabulary
(Dave and Carrie laugh)
Dom and Jules filled the journey time by listening to local radio (as you do)...and trying to get on their stupid phone ins. Dom said unfortunately he couldn’t get through to BBC Radio Berkshire, who’s hot topic of the night was “have you ever been attacked by a massive animal?”. Dom would have said bull elephant had he got through (cue much hilarity in the villa). Dom also said there was a bloke on BBC Southern Counties Radio called Dom Busby, who Juliette nearly veered off the road at when he kept repeating his name. Both in London and in Portugal, the whole team were feeling quite tired this morning, especially Chris who kept falling back to sleep after Aled continually tried to wake him up. Chris kept on apologising and then drifting off again, apologising and drifting off again etc...
Chris - and then I suddenly thought “what am I apologising for?”...I’m 30 years old
(hits intro to Beyonce and Jay-Z)
In the next link Chris blamed his tiredness for this and said that he was obviously being ironic, as remember he’s actually 24 and not 30. Of course *cough*. Tonight is yet another huge night for England then. It’s their quarter final with Portugal in Lisbon, and even Aled said that he was feeling excited today. Granted, only because he knows an England win means at least another six days in the sun for him. He like Chris is around about completing his base tan, whereas Dave (aka David Dickinson) is a lot further on in the tanning process. Chris played Fat Les and The Farm as his customary England songs, although he is feeling a lot more confident about tonight’s game than he has done about any of the three previous games. He said he is even thinking about putting 10 euros on Owen to score the first goal. Wouldn’t be a bad shout. Dave is concerned about both Ronaldo and Deco’s dangerous crosses, although he took heart from the news that there may be more England fans than Portuguese supporters in the stadium tonight. Chappers confirmed that it’s white shirts when he chatted to Chris at twenty past nine, and (as usual) he had some more useless statistics from his Chinese friend Mr BenQ:
- 9 500 people in the UK are called Rooney
- 4 people in the UK are called Wayne Rooney
- 25 people in the UK are called Pele
Fascinating. At this point Rachel came to sit down nearby as the lads discussed the football. Chris stopped mid sentence and told her to sort her skirt out as they could see everything from where they were sitting...
Rach - Don’t look up it then
Dave - It’s like the Mersey tunnel!!
(everyone laughs)
Rachel (laughs and screams) - Dave!!!
She said he was so rude and told Chappers to continue. Chris butted in though:
Chris - I tell you what’s shocking, Rachel’s wearing days of the week knickers and they say Monday!!
(Dave and villa crew laugh)
Rach - You’re lucky I’m wearing any
(all laugh and collectively go “urrghh!!”)
Rach - Did I just say that on the radio?
Chappers (butting in) - Do you mind not devaluing the serious sport chat?
At this particular junction of the show Aled was upstairs on the radio mic, as he was the lurgy in a game of tigs off ground (I'll have more on this later). Chris asked him what he was doing up there...
Aled - Changing (pause)
Chris - Into what, a wolf?
(all laugh)


WHEN ALED MET MAFALDA:
If you’re a regular reader to these pages or just a regular listener to the show in general, you’ll know that pre-Portugal, Dominic sowed the seeds of Dave’s Easy Portuguesey by chatting to a lovely lady called Mafalda, who works at a hotel in the Algarve. Well Aled went to meet her this weekend, and find out what she really thinks of that newsreading slaphead...oh and ask what her favourite cheese was too. Aled said she was forthcoming, feisty and is a duty manager who wears a jacket, power suit and skirt.
Dom - Mafalda means business Aled
Aled - Well I think so, clearly
Dom - Not literally in Portuguese
Dave - I was going to say, I didn’t know that word
Mafalda said Dominic is a funny guy (not very convincingly mind you) and after Aled told her Dom was regarded as a bit of a sex symbol back in the UK, she said he had a very sexy voice. She said he should though as he works on the radio, unlike her who she said sounded awful on the radio...
Chris - I’ve gotta say, she sounds like a bit of a dog to be fair
(Dom laughs)
Aled - Oooh she’s not
Dom - She sounds really nice I think
Chris - No she doesn’t. She doesn’t sound sexy. She sounds like a bit of a munter, but apparently she’s not...
Aled said she was actually listening online this morning so Chris quickly retracted his comments. Mafalda recorded a message for Dom, saying that she enjoys their conversations every day and hopes to see him soon at her hotel where’ll she be waiting when he wants her. Dave said Dom was in there. He wanted however to make it perfectly clear that he does not speak to her every day.
Chris - Is your wife listening this morning?
Dom - er yes, yes she is and hello, I love you
(villa go “aahh” and laugh at the same time)
Dave - We love you too Dominic
Chris - Yeah you’re so sweet
Dom - I was speaking to my wife actually Dave but hello to you too
(Carrie laughs)

(Oh and that’s Dom not Mafalda btw...just in case you were unsure)
It’ll be unfortunate timing if England lose tonight but Dom is going out to Portugal for the weekend tomorrow afternoon. Him and the wife will meet up with the team in the villa, although probably via a bus as Chris said no one can be arsed to drive the long journey back to the airport to pick them up. Chris said he can’t wait to see Dom though, as he’s missed him. He said no offence to Carrie, he can’t wait to meet her again either. She said he might do next week if England get knocked out tonight, cue the disapproval of many voices, and “whoa whoa whoa, we’ll have none of that talk love” from Dave. Chris gave Dom a list of things to bring out to the villa as they are running rapidly out of certain supplies. The list included Yorkshire teabags, jammy dodgers, tommy sauce, baked beans, marmite, alphabetti spaghetti and (if possible) a 20 pack of 125 DAT’s.
Dom - A 20 pack of 125 DAT’s?
Chris - Yep
Dom - Well it’s always first on my list when I go on holiday

THE FIRST EVER RADIO 1 PORTUGUESE GRAND PRIX:
It was hardly a luxurious setting for Radio 1’s first ever Portuguese Grand Prix yesterday, in fact I do believe Dave referred to the Carta Drome track as “a cow shed with tyres”. Here’s photographic evidence proving he was right:


Aled put together a brilliant little package on the whole day, including his excellent commentary on the race and Rachel’s very brief thoughts from the pit stop. Before the race started he got some last words from each of the eight competitors on track...
Chappers - Yeah, very confident. I would like to get in the top three
Steve - I had a disastrous first round. I was just looking at Moylesy’s pipe the whole way round. This time I’m gonna get him
Jocelyn - Feeling a little bit nervous, hopefully some skilled driving will help me win the race (yep she is Irish by the way)
Security Bear Paul - I’m gonna kick ass (sounding American)
Ben - I’m really looking forward to it (genius)
Engineer Richard - Chris is in front of me, I’ve gotta get past him before the first bend
Dave - Eat my dust you mother
Chris - I’m ready and I’m gonna do it

FINAL RACE POSITIONS:>>>
1st - Security Bear Paul
2nd - Engineer Richard
3rd - Chappers
4th - Dave
5 - Chris
6 - Jocelyn
7 - Ben
8 - Engineer Steve

Chris was so proud with himself as he managed to shoehorn in “mmm...bellas rodas” into a genuine conversation with some Portuguese locals by the track. Rachel said it was so funny to watch Chris’s face as the blokes he was talking to nodded their heads at him in agreement. Chris was so pleased with himself that he kept on repeating “bellas rodas” for about an hour afterwards, which soon became very irritating (as you can imagine).


PETER REID LIVE ON THE PHONE AND COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>

He was a top guest with Dave and Chappers last weekend and he was a top guest on the phone to Chris this morning. By all accounts he is not a morning person, but he sounded fairly good in the circumstances (he was out karaokeing it with Ray Stubbs last night y’see). Reidy chatted about Wayne Rooney, Ian Wright going bananas when we score and how if we win tonight, we’ve got a fantastic chance of going all the way in this tournament. He congratulated the England fans on their behaviour so far, and Chris echoed his sentiments. He said we’ve done really well, with only one or two burberry baseball caps spotted so far. Good stuff. It didn’t take long for the subject of Leeds to come up, with Chris saying he’s looking forward to their new season in the LDV Vans Tampac Champions League (or whatever it is). Him and Reidy seemed to bond quite well on the plane over, and Peter said Chris is invited to Highfield Road for the Coventry - Leeds game there this season, as one of his special hospitality guests. Chris said likewise Peter is invited round to the villa for a beer and a barbie one night soon. Peter said as long as there is sunblock it’s done, as Lawro and Stubbsy told him the hospitality was excellent. Peter also added that there was no chance of Hansen coming along, so Chris said great, they’d arrange it for Saturday night.

Another day and three more Portuguese phrases courtesy of Comedy Dave. After the cock up with the translations the other day, Dave said he was fairly confident he’d got them correct this morning. When I say “he” I actually mean the translation site Dave found on the t’interweb that does it for him. I wouldn’t trust those though, I know from personal experience (never rely on them translating your coursework to French is all I’m saying). Dave’s phrases this morning were “Goodbye Germany, thanks for taking part”, “It’s coming home, it’s coming home, football’s coming home” and “Rooney’s gonna get you”, not “Rooney is a chav” as Chris guessed. Dave said him and Chappers actually saw Rooney’s grandad being interviewed on the telly yesterday. He’s fairly young (50 odd) and has just his two front teeth left, a big belly, a beard, a skinhead and (round of applause please) was wearing a t-shirt that read “ I could murder a pint”. Chris ended the item by blatantly nicking Chappers’ line from Scott Mills’ Fact Hunt, remember kids...knowledge is power. Bom dia to you. Buzz Off today was The Race from Yello, a number seven UK hit back in August 88. Dave said it would work well for a goal montage or a backing bed but as a song it’s rubbish. He buzzed after seven seconds, Rach followed on 1:30 and Aled on 2:39. Chris asked Rach how the text vote was looking...
Rach - 56% want it off
Chris (laughs) - Well there you go Rachel
(Aled laughs)
Dave - I’d vote for that
Chris - Well it’s that time of year, it’s the heat...that’s what it does to you

ROUND UP OF OTHER STUFF ON TODAY’S SHOW:>>>

(Aled and his robot, who we’re calling Alfred)
Aled was stuck on desk duty again as Chris went for a wander round the villa. In hindsight it wasn’t such a good idea as Jones made a complete mess up of the ten past 8 segway and stuck on The Wiseguys again instead of Justin Timberlake. Chris made him stop and did his usual line of saying that there was no need to worry, as they’d just edit it out when the show went out on the air. As I mentioned earlier the team had another game of tigs off ground after 9 o’clock, which unsurprisingly resulted in Aled becoming the lurgy. He went chasing Rhys and Chappers around the villa so Chris gave him the radio mic and earpieces to keep them updated on what was going on. Thankfully he faded down Aled’s mic when Jones went off to the loo. Aled then got changed into his swimming shorts and went and bobbed up and down in the middle of the pool on his double decker lilo, two lilos stuck together with black masking tape by himself yesterday. Aled did this to be on the safe side, as he is apparently allergic to chlorine and unable to swim. Chris and Chappers decided to go and visit him before the last record of the show and had a bit of an unpleasant surprise. First of all Chris joked to Aled that they were gonna chuck Rhys in, but Chappers quickly tipped over Aled’s double decker lilo to send Mr *I’m allergic to chlorine and can’t swim* Jones flying underwater. He scrambled his way to the side, panting for breath and screaming. He said there were so many swear words he was ready to scream at them both now, but had to settle for a loud and very funny “You arse!” in Chris’s direction. Chris said him and Mark are trained lifeguards and warned in a Jackass stylee that this shouldn’t be repeated at home. An out of breath Moyles struggled to plug today’s Radio 1 line up as Aled chased Chappers round the pool, trying to give him the lurgy.
Dave (laughing) - That worked better than we could have hoped

ONE MORE ENGLAND - CROATIA JINGLE:>>>>
“Rooney, Scholes and Lampard really did us proud,
But those dodgy Croatian haircuts should not have been allowed,
Rooney was the man and Gerrard made great passes,
Portugal are next and we’re gonna kick their...bottoms,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
HUGH who works at an ape rescue centre near Wareham in Dorset 2
SARAH who works for a wedding stationery company in Tring 1

Daves Tedious Link
Madonna Into The Groove - Into The Groove was a big hit in July 1985, three months before the birth of Wayne Rooney - Wayne Rooney is without doubt the player of the tournament for Euro 2004 in Portugal - Portugal will be beaten by England tonight - Tonight was a top 3 hit in 1990 for New Kids On The Block - New Kids On The Block star Donnie Wahlberg is the brother of Marky Mark Wahlberg, who himself scored a top 14 hit with Good Vibrations in 1991, along with his group The Funky Bunch - The Funky Bunch shouldn’t be mistaken for the munch bunch, which are a type of children’s book and yoghurt - Yoghurt contains live bacteria, as does Aled’s room in the villa - Villa first name Ricky is a famous footballer from Argentina - Argentina is a large country in South America and in that respect shares something in common with Brazil - Brazil is a country that’s given it’s name to brazil nuts - Nuts can be colloquial slang for testicles, which are anatomically located outside of the main body of the human body, in order to keep them cool - and when you think of the word “cool” in the context of American urban artists that have two initials at the start of their name, you think of LL Cool J - Which links us to LL Cool J and Phenomenon

POSSIBLE FLAW
*Aled said that his bedroom does not have bacteria in it, although Rachel disagreed and said it was in an awful state. She said she was slightly surprised by Aled’s lack of tidiness. He admitted that even the cleaners at the villa seem to have given up on it. Chris said he walked out of the shower starkers the other day to find one of them making his bed. Rachel said “she won’t be coming back then”. Chris told her to shut up and said that it was every womans dream.

AND FINALLY...COME ON ENGLAND!!!

Don’t forget the Portugal - England quarter final is live on BBC One tonight at 7:30, and you can also catch full coverage and commentary on Radio Five Live (909 & 603AM) from 6:45 this evening. So just three words remain for me to say...Come On England!!!

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs Jun 24th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Wed 23rd June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 23 2004 by MC_]

1. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Sugababes - Freak Like Me, 3. Blink 182 - Down, 4. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 5. BUZZ OFF - Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy, 6. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Stereophonics - Have A Nice Day, 8. Outkast - Roses, 9. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 10. McFly - Obviously 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Faithless - We Come One, 12. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 13. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk, 14. Christina Aguilera feat Redman - Dirrty 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Kelis - Trick Me, 16. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking, 17. 50 Cent - If I Can’t, 18. Madonna - Into The Groove (Tedious Link), 19. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 20. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 21. J Kwon - Tipsy 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Good Charlotte - Girls & Boys, 23. Usher - Burn, 24. Britney Spears - Toxic, 25. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme

Well it only took five months, two weeks and two days...but this place finally got a mention on the breakfast show this morning!!! (about time too). Granted we were mentioned in a little, jokey throwaway type comment by Chris, but nevertheless it’s good to see that he hasn’t forgotten us. He was basically explaining to Dave how the bed for the 7:30 and 8:30 news bulletins was coming in from London on his cue of “coming up later”. This was annoying him though and he wanted to change it to “coming up next”. Very exciting stuff I’m sure you’ll agree *cough*, although Chris seemed convinced it would be gripping for us lot...
Dave - This could provoke confusion
Chris - Mate, they’re gonna open up a new messageboard on chrismoyles.net about this. You watch today..
Dave - mmm
Ahh, our moment in the breakfast show limelight...oh and there it goes again. From a personal point of view I’d love a big peak time site mention just to get some more hits on this page as (without being big headed) I think all the time and effort I put into these reviews deserves more than just 450 hits a day, when Chris has 7 million listeners in total. Some more pleasing news next though - the weather by the villa in Portugal is crap. It’s overcast, dull and even rained a bit this morning. Chris wasn’t too disheartened though, as he said it could be worse - he could be his girlfriend Sophie knee deep in mud at Glastonbury. I presume she’s there already cos she’s some sort of producer on Colin and Edith’s “Glastonbury Calling” BBC 3 series this week, although I may be wrong. Chris said it was also a bit muggy as well as being wet in Portugal today, the perfect opportunity therefore for him to get out his travelling Dombot and do a little mini Muggy mix (note the alliteration there...thanks). Chris played a trail for the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Hyde Park gig last week, plugging the fact that you can now hear the interviews the band did with Zane Lowe on Listen Again @ Radio One ONLINE. The trail was old though and made reference to the gig being last night, so Chris wanted to know who was to blame - the team back in London or the team in Portugal. Rachel was furiously nodding her head and saying that it was the people in London to blame, but she said she’ll get in trouble whatever now as they’ll point the finger at her. Chris said heads are gonna roll when he gets back (which hopefully won’t be for a while yet). Chris asked Dave if he’d heard who had supported the Chilis at Hyde Park. Dave claimed he had but said he’d forgotten. It was James Brown - cue Chris and Dave singing a nice little acapella version of I Feel Good. Chris said that him and Dave are always available to cover for James if he gets ill or fancies a day off...
Dave - We got soul
Chris - What Campbell? Is he coming in?
(Rhys and engineer Richard laugh)

(For Red Hot Chili Peppers pics from Hyde Park just click here)
Italy became the next big name to drop out of Euro 2004 last night, although Chris didn’t see their match with Bulgaria as the team were having a special farewell barbie by the pool for all the competition winners and freeloaders (who fly home this morning). Moyles said the highlight of the evening was repeatedly pushing them all in the pool fully dressed. First up it was Andy, who Chris asked to check his pockets for something and then proceeded to push him in. When Andy got out he congratulated Chris and said that he didn’t see that coming. In that case *push* back in he went. Chris said at one stage Tracey (who was disappointingly wearing two tops), lost her bracelet in the water. All the winners then stupidly leaned over the side to have a look for it, hence *push*, *push* and *push*...
Dom (laughing) - It’s just too easy
Dom said he is actually coming out to see the team in Portugal this weekend with his wife. They are staying in a hotel five minutes down the road from the team’s villa and Chris said he can’t wait to see Dom again. All I know is that if England get beat tomorrow it’s gonna be one awful bit of bad timing. As well as the barbecue last night, there was also a bit of karaoke going on. Chris was singing a bit of Sinatra and Rhys played a bit of guitar (not to that obviously). Moyles said that engineer Richard had the worst costume of the night by far, as his open shirt and comedy pants made him look half Justin Hawkins and half Timmy Mallett. It’s not a good look baby...

WHEN DOM MET STEVE COOGAN AND JACKIE CHAN:

Dom went to interview Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan at a swanky London hotel yesterday morning, this about their new film Around The World in 80 days, which is released in UK cinemas this Friday. Dom said it features a cameo from Arnie Schwarzenegger, who’s wearing the most ridiculous wig you’ve ever seen in your life. After a couple of boring questions to Steve and a bit of a misunderstanding with Chris about who was playing out the clips, Dom moved straight on to the killer question that counts...what’s your favourite cheese? Steve replied with the most comprehensive answer that you’re ever likely to hear to this question. It was over a minute long but the long and short of it was that he used to be a mature cheddar man but now likes dolcelatte, that’s since he’s gone all cosmopolitan and has been living in LA. Dom said Steve was genuinely a nice guy and very relaxing to talk to. Chris said he was pleased to hear that as he’s a big Steve Coogan fan and has heard stories that he’s a bit of an arse. He does come across this way but he’s still a genius. I happen to think that Alan Partridge is the finest TV show ever made (apart from The Royle Family of course). Steve recorded a funny but quite spooky Chris Moyles drop, but then it was time to move on to the main man...Mr Jackie Chan.

Dom said that being in a room with him was quite a surreal experience. Unfortunately him and Will forgot to bring a camera in the mad rush to get there, so no pics are available folks. Dom said that Jackie was a lovely man, who smiles regardless of whether or not you ask him a question. After asking Steve the cheese question, Dom asked Jackie what his favourite Back To The Future film was. Now bearing in mind that he wasn’t asking for his views on world peace and that there are only three possible answers, you wouldn’t have expected Jackie to spend over two and a half minutes contemplating his answer. Dom edited the answer down to 35 seconds and stuck a bit of the Countdown clock over it. Chris and Dave thought it was hilarious, especially as Dom kept saying stuff like “mmm it is a toughie” as Jackie sat there thinking. It didn’t make great radio let’s put it that way. Dom said another thing that didn’t make great radio was all the hand gestures Jackie was making in his next answer. Dom had just asked him how many bones he had broken in his career (as he does all his own stunts), but the reply was so good it was untrue...made all the better by Jackie’s poor grasp of English of course. He said the word “broken” 11 times in a 15 second answer as he pointed out where he had broken himself. Dom said Will was absolutely killing himself in the corner of the room at this point. Dave was pig squeal laughing again. After being late for the news following (what is known in the industry as) “Jackie Chan fun”, Chris got Dominic back on at 8:15 to complete the Jackie chat. He ended by playing Chris the drop Jackie recorded for the show. He was asked to say “Hi this is Jackie The Man Chan, and you’re listening to Chris Moyles on Radio One”, but actually said “Hi This is Jackie Chan man, you’re listening Christophe”. Dom had to tell him it was Chris Moyles and then prompt him again to say "on Radio 1". Chris said he was obviously a big fan of his then. Dave said that if Dom edited all those clips together there’d be a brilliant little jingle in there somewhere. Oh and the film is meant to be utter tripe btw.

CHAT WITH CARRIE, BIG VILLA AND BUZZ OFF:
Dominic said that everything is going well so far this week with new sport girl Carrie. He said it makes a change sitting next to a girl who smells of perfume first thing in the morning, as he’s usually used to the stench of white wine, Tetley’s, silk cut and toilet duck with Juliette. Carrie sounded more uncomfortable today than at any point so far this week, that when Chris started complimenting her and interrupting her bulletins. He just told her not to get upset by his silly, sexist remarks.
Chris - Is that alright sweet cheeks?
(Carrie laughs)
The reason why Chris was interrupting her bulletins was because Serena Williams (*grunt*) was trying to talk about soccer football and sound like she knew what she was talking about. She was going on about England’s chances at Euro 2004 and said that she was now a big fan of Rooney. Chris told her to shut it and stop pretending to show an interest in football. I agree, bugger off back to your baseball love. Sticking with the subject of Rooney for a minute though, Chris said he had some inside information for Carrie in regard to the rumours currently circulating about his future. Chris said he’s leaving Everton...for Ipswich. The reason he knows this is that Ipswich fan and trip engineer Steve told him so last night.
Chris - Granted he did have his boxer shorts round his ankles at the time and was swigging Baileys...
(Dom, Dave, Rach and Carrie laugh)
Chris - ...but I believe him

Big Villa was back at 9:40 this morning, allowing us to catch up on the team’s progress on day 58 in the big villa...erm, villa. We heard the deeply emotional send off to the competition winners, the slamming of the front door and then the big cheers going up and the party tunes going on. We also found out that Aled can’t wait for tomorrow night...for the local surfing championships, and we discovered that supplies of teabags, lager, baked beans and microwavable chips are running low in the villa, as are Rachel’s bottles of blue nun. With Buzz Off fast approaching, the broadband connection cut off and that meant the team weren’t getting their text messages. Therefore Buzz Off was a three player sport this morning, with Chris warning them all that they needed to have an open musical mind to enjoy today’s song. Funny cos I’d say you just need bad musical taste. It was I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred, a number 2 in July 1991. Rach and Dave don’t have bad taste on the whole so buzzed in on 9 and 70 seconds respectively (Dave gave Chris a chorus to be generous). Aled does have...erm shall we say flamboyant musical taste, and even admitted to buying this song on cassette single when it came out. He left it on, prompting Rachel, Dave and Rhys to tickle him and try to get him to buzz it off.
Rach - Buzz it off Aled or Hilton will get it
Chris - Eh, well there you go..
(Rach laughs)
He finally crumbled under the pressure on 2 minutes 39, but still carried on doing his little dance to it with his teddy Hilton on the couch. Aled said he goes to Hilton when he needs support, as he’s a good cuddler. He did agree with Chris though when he pointed out that Hilton’s dressing gown is just that little bit too short. Aled called him a slutty bear. I don’t think I know what to say next.

(Hilton - the slut)

GRAND PRIX CHAT AND COMEDY DAVE’S INCORRECT EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>
It’s taking place at a local go kart track at approximately 3 o’clock this afternoon, and Chris is referring to it as “one of the most hotly anticipated races of the year”. Dave said the overcast and wet conditions today are forcing the team to re consider their pit strategies - do they do 2 or 3 stops? Do they use intermediate tyres or slicks? Dave told Dom that they really were stuck in a quarry. Chris asked Carrie and Dom for their big race predictions. They went as follows:

• Dom - Rhys 1st, Dave 2nd, Chris 3rd and Aled bringing up the rear (as usual) in last place


• Carrie - Dave 1st, Chris 2nd, Chappers 3rd with Aled last

• Chris - a convertible Bentley or a Porsche, or maybe a Carrera 4


• Dave - a TVR or maybe a black BMW M3 convertible


• Rach - a red Aston Martin


• Chappers - a Ferrari


• Aled - a red convertible Audi TT

Moyles Live In Portugal - Tues 22nd June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 22 2004 by MC_]


(Big Group Shot - including Jocelyn and Security Bear Paul. Aled is taking the pic)

OPENING JINGLE:>>>>
“Last night we beat Croatia, it wasn’t very hard,
Scored 4 fantastic England goals from Rooney, Scholes and Lampard,
Next we’re playing Portugal, so on and on we go,
Get a hatrick for us Rooney and a red card for Figo,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

1. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix) 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Outkast - Hey Ya, 3. The Rasmus - In The Shadows, 4. Jurgen Vries feat Andrea Britton - Take My Hand, 5. BUZZ OFF - U2 - Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me 7:30 NEWSBEAT 6. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 7. 4-4-2 - Come On England, 8. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 9. Kanye West feat Syleena Johnson - All Falls Down 8:00 NEWSBEAT 10. Baddiel & Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions, 11. Blink 182 - Down, 12. The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army, 13. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme 8:30 NEWSBEAT 14. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ, 15. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 16. Snow Patrol - Run, 17. The Strokes - 12:51, 18. Zero 7 - Destiny (Tedious Link), 19. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 20. Max Sedgley - Happy, 21. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. U2 - Beautiful Day, 23. Kelis - Trick Me



What a night. A fantastic performance, a fantastic result and ..(of course)...there’s only one Wayne Rooney. Chris began the show with a remix of Altogether Now by The Farm, in the sense that he mixed in the commentary of last night’s goals from Radio Five Live. Now you can say what you like about Alan Green and his opinions/Liverpool bias, but there is no denying that he is the best commentator the BBC have. His commentary on both Paul Scholes' opener and Wayne Rooney’s first goal last night made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - just superb. A bit like the match really. Dave thought it was amazing and Chris called it unreal, although he said he was completely petrified for the entire 90 minutes. Particularly in the first half when Croatia scored and we went so long without equalising, despite playing so well.
Chris - and then the first goal goes in and I jumped up and I screamed so loudly that I went dizzy and almost fainted...
(Dom and Carrie laugh)
Chris - ...how crap is that
I echo Carrie’s thoughts when she says that it was great for Scholesy to get on the target after more than three years without an international goal. He is a world class player and last night was the first time he has shown anything near his true form for England in recent years. Dom picked Scholes lane on the A64 in Leeds for One Road Travel, although he did think that Paul could have had a shave before the match last night. Chris hadn’t either, so said it must have been some kind of good luck thing. Dom watched the game at home with the missus, while Carrie watched it with her flatmates and a couple of beers. Chris made no apologies about the fact that the show would be very England heavy all the way through the morning, although he didn’t seem to go that far over the top in my view (although mind you I am English so am probably the wrong person to be asking in this situation). England records played to celebrate last night’s win included the aforementioned one from The Farm, 3 Lions and Come On England by 4-4-2. Both Chris and Dave were both remarkably perky this morning, particularly Chris who got just two and a half hours sleep last night (I’ll have more on that later). They were both croaky but buoyant, not just by the result yesterday but also by the fact that they don’t have to go home yet, as they’ve just got their base tans so far remember. Dave can’t wait for the England - Portugal match this Thursday (7:45 on BBC1 - don’t you dare miss it), and said that he was glad England didn’t go through to the Friday match against Greece, as it’s a long drive from the villa to Porto. I personally would have preferred to play Greece but I guess only time will tell who was right. All the big posse from Radio 1 may not yet be going home, but unfortunately the competition winners are. They only had tickets to the three group games so fly back out tomorrow at 11. Chris chatted to all three of them - Derek, Dan and Tracey...
Chris - Highlight so far?
Tracey - erm, everything. I’ve really enjoyed it yeah, thank you very much for having us
Chris (laughs) - Well, let’s not talk about that on the air love
(Dave and villa posse laugh)
Chris - I told you what happens in the villa stays in the villa...or in your case out onto the lawn
(everyone including Tracy laughs)


MORE JINGLES:>>>>
* Chris, Dave and Chappers wrote the jingles on their way back from the game to their meet up point at a hotel in Lisbon. Chris thanked Sandy, Richard and Andrea at Music4, who were up till 4:30am working on the jingles this morning...

“So he’s the deal so far, we’re second in the group,
We’re in the quarter finals, Sven kept us in a loop,
Got beaten by the French, came back against the Swiss,
Put four past the Croatians, it was a piece of...cake,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

“For the first thirty minutes England were not in a hurry,
So the team behind these jingles, ordered in a curry,
Plain rice, Rogini Nan and Chicken Tikka Madras,
By the time that we had finished, England kicked Croatia’s ass,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

“Last night we beat Croatia, it really was a treat,
We made it to the quarters thanks to young Wayne’s magic feet,
Rooney made the first and then he scored 2 more,
He’s the undisputed king of Euro 2004,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

“We’ve made the quarter finals and face the Portuguese,
Young Wayne will do the business, and bring them to their knees,
We’re not going home, no we’re not going home,
We’re not going home, no we’re not going home,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, no we’re not going home, National Radio One”

(and my personal favourite...)
“We beat Croatia 4-2, we beat Croatia 4-2,
We beat Croatia 4-2, we beat Croatia 4-2,
These lyrics are a cop out, but what else could we do,
la la la la la la la, we beat Croatia 4-2,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, we beat Croatia 4-2, National Radio One”

CHRIS AND BEN AT THE ENGLAND HOTEL:
After the team and competition winners had met back up at a Lisbon hotel last night, Chris and ex producer Ben Cooper (now head of mainstream programmes at Radio One), went to a very special place...the England team hotel. The coach with all the players on was right behind them, and the entire squad walked past them as they stood in the hotel reception. Chris claimed he was genuinely star struck, as he shook the hand of David Beckham. (Becks probably knows of Chris through Vicky going on his show). Chris said he didn’t meet Super Wayne, although Ben was with the Rooney family in the hotel when they watched his goals being shown on TV for the first time. Chris gave a little nod and a wink to Frankie Lampard and also would have met the gaffer Sven, but for the fact he was on the phone to his (still poorly) dad at the time Eriksson came over to the table. Chris could also exclusively reveal that there’s a playboy pinball machine in the infamous “arcade room”...and a load of semi stolen England stuff in his big black swag bag. Chris said the items in there were not nicked and were simply souvenirs. They included a chavvy England white baseball cap, an England training jacket, Paul Robinson’s unworn goalkeepers shirt from the England - Switzerland game last Thursday, and another replica goalkeeping jersey that Chris was modelling this morning (see the team picture at the top of this review to see him in it - or look below to the left of Chappers in the red).

Here comes the (mildly) funny part of the story. Chris and Ben (the only people from Radio One invited btw) were booted out of the hotel at the players curfew, and then got the tube to meet up with Security Bear Paul at their Lisbon hotel base. The plan was then to get in the car and drive the hour back to the villa. However it didn’t quite go according to plan. Unbeknown to him, Paul had actually parked in a local shopping centre car park earlier, and not in the hotel car park. The shopping centre car park was locked and all the instructions on the outside in Portuguese, which non of them are fluent in (despite Dave’s help). Dave said granted “is there a campsite near here?” or “do you have space for a tent?” doesn’t really cut the mustard at that time of the morning. Eventually at about 2am the concierge guy came out from across the road and let Paul in the car park. He then got stuck in there though, with some Italian guy who couldn’t speak either English or Portuguese. They somehow got the car out of there after a long wait, and Chris eventually got to bed at half three this morning. He said it really was a bizarre night all round.

ENGLAND 4 CROATIA 2 - HOW ALED SAW IT:>>>>

As a diehard football fan from England it pains me to say it, but crop top wearing, self confessed non footy fan and (most importantly) Welshman Aled Jones...had free tickets to last night’s game. It also pains me even more to here Aled say he “didn’t mind if he didn’t go back”. I would have given anything to be at that match last night, anything. Aled said he did have a good time, but blamed his poor attention span for the lack of interest he was showing in the game. He missed Croatia’s first goal cos he was bored and texting someone (AFTER 5 MINUTES!!!), and was also busy checking out the stadium’s colour scheme while everyone else was watching the game and singing. Oh and that was another thing, Aled didn’t like the fans chanting at all. He said it was “childish” the way they kept heckling each other back and forth. Oh dear. Rachel had to keep hitting Aled to keep him interested, although I don’t believe his claim that the second half “really gripped” him.
Aled - The second half was really gripping and I was screaming with the best of them
(whole villa erupts in laughter)
Dave (laughs) - “I was screaming with the best of them”...well, it’s one heck of a quote Aled
You’ll be disappointed to find out that Aled didn’t wear his “I’m Welsh boyo” England shirt last night, although he did get recognised outside the ground along with Chris. Rachel said that it was hilarious and along with Dave insisted that Aled had it set up to meet those people there. Buzz Off today was not England related but a top tune nonetheless, Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me by U2 (number 2 back in June 1995). Dave said it wasn’t his favourite U2 song and buzzed in on 2:08. Rach followed suit on 2:44 and Aled surprisingly kept it on until the end (4:34), although the text vote was 72% Buzz On anyway.

JACK BAINE, ALED’S 2ND HOLIDAY REPORT AND EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>
Jack was back live in Lisbon after 7:30, bringing us details on yet more “pandemonium” there last night. This time it was the English fans celebrating and not the Portuguese, although it remains to be seen who will be celebrating this time on Friday morning. Jack couldn’t go to the match for tedious work commitments, so watched the game on a big screen in the centre of Lisbon, with about 500 other England fans. Jack said the crowd were edgy to begin with after Niko Kovac’s opener for the Croats, but as soon as Scholes put the ball in the net the place erupted. He said it was a superb atmosphere all round from then on, with unsurprising chants of “Rooney, Rooney, Rooney!!” ringing round until when he left to go back to his hotel at 1am (it’s work, not a drinking holiday). Y’see Jack had found one bar that stayed open especially after the game, which was packed full of around 2000 England fans trying to get served by 4 barmen. Like Chris, Jack is staying around until England get knocked out of the tournament, although we’re all still keeping our fingers crossed for that France - England final on July 1st. Chris said he’s sure the Portuguese would be rooting for England if that was to be the final, as they seem to hate the French. Well, who doesn’t? Chris said their hotel doorman and some bloke on the tube were slagging off the French before they played England last week (and yes, Chris really did get on the tube). Chris said he hopes that England do get to the final, and they won’t be far off if they keep playing like they did last night. Chris said it was just a pleasure to be there. It would be, especially if you weren’t paying (the jammy git).

Aled was back after 8:30 with his second Portugal Holiday report package, this week all entirely food based. Aled lied said he travelled down to the South Coast to chat to people about the local cuisine, and in particular find out about the Portuguese obsession with seafood.
Chris - I really think he’s bringing home the flava of an all expenses paid work trip
Dave - He’s like the Craig Doyle of Radio 1
Chris - Yeah, (Bo Selecta Craig David impression) Craaigg Doyle!!
Aled again put on his patronising, cheesy voice and delivered a very funny report, including him chatting to a Portuguese fisherman and tasting his seafood...mmm bellas fish. Aled said he wasn’t going to tell them, but he’s allergic to seafood and the last time he ate any, he went bright red and spent the next three days on the toilet.
Chris (at the end of the report in his Holiday voiceover voice) -
“Aled travelled by train to the seaside on a return basis, simply by purchasing a ticket from his local station. A meal for two in the Filange fish restaurant costs between 30 and 40 euros, based on 2 sharing, and a night’s accommodation the hotel d’ville starts at 20 euros per night, based on 6 adults sharing a single room...with breakfast not included. For more information on this or any of the other holiday destinations featured on the show, why not visit your local travel agent...who’ll be able to give you all the details you need”

Dave was back with today’s Easy Portuguesey, although with a slight difference. He had put down his phrase book and said he was now ready to experiment with the language as his confidence has grown...he was ready to make his own sentences. It doesn’t sound a very good idea on paper and it wasn’t either in reality. He taught us “We’re not going home” and “Victory will be ours on Thursday” ok, but Rhys’s Portuguese speaking half cousin Ben told Dave that his version of “Rooney has magic boots and is God” actually translated as “Rooney has a magic charger and is God”. Chris said Rooney must be the saviour of the England team’s mobile phones in that case. Dave said that on the whole, he thought his phrases were reasonably accurate today.

RHYS IN THE POOL:

(Rhys and Chappers enjoying the show)
After engineer Richard sorted out the echo settings that had been tampered with, Dave did his ready to ramble half time precursor and him and Chris then went alfresco, getting on the radio mics and going out poolside. On a little alfresco side note, Chris said he’d seen Alfresco’s room on the website. He said it was a private joke but it’s not really. He’s referring to the spelling error on this page at Radio One Online, which says “Alfred’s room” instead of “Aled’s room”. Chris said that it’s about the time the pool got used, cos let’s face it - it’s not really provided us with as much entertainment as we’d hoped for these past couple of weeks. For the cause then, ex producer and Portugal trip exec Rhys jumped in live on the air. Unfortunately though, he jumped in in his see through white Calvin Klein boxers, and not his swimming shorts. As Dave pointed this out, much hilarity broke out in the villa. Security bear Paul sounded like he was in stitches. A laughing Chris said he had to warn the competition winners as Rhys would be getting out of the pool opposite them.
Chris (laughing) - Urghh, I’ve gotta say Dave that’s one of the most disturbing sights I have ever seen
Dave agreed that it was absolutely gross and Chris said Rhys’s pants were so tight that he looked like Daffyd, the only gay in the village. He added that at least they could now put to bed those rumours about “minnow” Hughes - yep, hung like a wasp. Dave said he felt quite nauseous now...
Chris - Tracy our competition winner has collapsed, and Derek has collapsed, and Andy has had a stroke
(Villa audience, Dave and Rachel laugh)
Dave - Do you wanna rephrase that?
Chris - eh? (then realises)
(everyone laughs)
Dave said that Rhys looked like some kind of fat roman as he returned to the villa in just his towel. Chris called him Gutzilla. With Chris now rambling from the terrace overlooking the lagoon and Dave from the sun lounger, Aled (who was pressing the buttons) said that he could now pretend to be Chris Moyles, with Comedy Rachel as his sidekick. As soon as she started to speak he faded her out, so maybe he could be Chris Moyles after all.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
NICK a student in London who works at a theatre in Milton Keynes 2
GRAHAM a lorry driver from Londonderry 0

Daves Tedious Link
Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl now fronts his own band and they’re called the Foo Fighters - Foo Fighters is a US air force term for UFO’s - UFO’s come from space - Space the band once did a roadshow with us in the pouring rain in Rhyl - “Rhyl” is one of the few words in the English language not to contain any vowels, another one of course being rhythm - Rhythm is a quality required by all drummers - Drummers in the world of Bernard Matthews are actually drumstick shaped bits of turkey - Turkey the country sadly didn’t qualify for this years European Championships in Portugal - Portugal is who we will play in the quarter finals on Thursday - Thursday is the only day of the week to begin with the letters “Th” - The initials TH in the world of Premiership football stand for Tottenham Hotspur - Tottenham Hotspur are a London club - London, or more precisely the London borough of Stockwell, was the birthplace of the actor Roger Moore, who starred as James Bond 007 - and if you remove the first zero from the numbers 007, you’re left simply with zero seven - Which links us to Zero 7 and Destiny

FLAW
*Rhyl has a vowel as it’s a Welsh word

DOM MEETS STEVE COOGAN AND JACKIE CHAN
Yep, he’s interviewing them both individually this morning about their new film Around The World In 80 Days. I’ve seen the trails and it looks rollocks, and Dominic (who’s seen the film) seemed to suggest the same. Dave suggested Dom do Easy Cantonesey with Jackie (cue the 7 year old apple crumble “pengoi combo” gag). Dom thinks Jackie’s lack of good English may also make for hilarious consequences in the interview. Make sure you find out if it does by tuning into tomorrow’s show from 7 on Radio One.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Tues June 22nd Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Monday 21st June 2004 (MC) [Posted Monday, June 21 2004 by MC_]

OPENING JINGLE:>>>> “We’ve played 2 games in Portugal, last week we beat the Swiss,
Wayne Rooney got 2 wonder goals and Gerrard’s one was bliss,
Tonight we play Croatia and we’re gonna score loads more,
and then we’ll win the lot at Euro 2004,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”


(Aled on his pink lilo...so butch)

1. Pink - Get The Party Started 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 3. Christina Aguilera - Fighter, 4. Baddiel & Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions '98, 5. BUZZ OFF - Yazz & The Plastic Population - The Only Way Is Up, 6. Kelis - Trick Me 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 8. Jason Nevins feat Holly James - I’m In Heaven, 9. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 10. Britney Spears - Everytime 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck, 12. Usher - Burn, 13. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can’t Stop (Live from Hyde Park - 20/06/2004), 14. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 16. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 17. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 18. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit (Tedious Link), 19. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 20. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 21. Blink 182 - Down, 22. Nelly Furtado - Forca 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Elton John - Are You Ready For Love, 24. Outkast - Roses, 25. Kristian Leontiou - Story Of My Life, 26. Collapsed Lung - Eat My Goal

Chris and Portugal trip producer Rhys both went to the Spain - Portugal match at Sporting Lisbon’s ground last night, which they said was fantastic. More cos of the electric atmosphere than the actual game itself, which Portugal won 1-0. Chris said they both were dead high up and had a birds eye view of the pitch, plus the clever little moat around it that stops the crowd getting onto the pitch.
Chris - There’s like a little drawbridge that comes out over the moat for the teams to run up
Dave - Yeah?
Chris - Yeah, quite nice
Dave - over crocodiles and stuff
Chris - No Dave they don’t have crocodiles
Dave - Right
Rhys wondered what would happen if the ball went in the moat. Adidas supply about 50 million balls per game anyway so Chris said they’d have significant back up. Yeah, I wouldn’t start panicking, cos it’s not as if they’ve just kicked it into the next villa over a 30 foot wall *cough* Chris *cough*. While Hughes and Moyles took in the action from inside the stadium, the rest of the villa crew watched it in a local bar on TV. Dave said after the match finished and Portugal had qualified, the bar staff kept playing some kind of obscure Portuguese dance track while people stood on their chairs and swung their shirts over their heads. Edit - The track is the official Portuguese Euro 2004 song and is called Será Demais Pedir a Taça by Da Weasel, which translates as "Is it too much asking the cup?" (ta to Rachel via David on the messageboard for the info on that). As the locals were loving the tune so much, Rachel decided to steal the CD from behind the bar so that Chris could play it this morning (he started the show with it). Rach said she did steal it in an act of drunken stupidity and would of course be returning it later (after copying it onto another CD to use again and again, yep). Last night’s match may have been huge, but from our point of view it pales into insignificance compared to the one tonight at Benfica’s Stadium Of Light. It is of course England versus Croatia, a match we need just a point from to progress through to the quarter finals and a possible meeting with the aforementioned Portuguese. Dave is having bad feelings though. He thinks everyone is being far too complacent about it and have their taken foot off the pedal early. Chris is feeling confident and says it’s vital we win tonight for three crucial reasons.
1 - TO QUALIFY (obviously)
2 - TO GET TEAM MORALE UP AHEAD OF THE QUARTER FINALS
3 - CHRIS ONLY HAS HIS BASE TAN AND IS READY TO PROGRESS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Football records played today included The 5678's, The Farm, Collapsed Lung and Baddiel & Skinner’s 3 Lions '98, with the immortal lyric “We can dance Nobby’s dance, we can dance it in France”. Buzz Off today was also slightly England themed, as it was “The Only Way Is Up” by Yazz & The Plastic Population (let’s rock). Think positive thoughts, positive thoughts. The tune was a number one back in July 1988, a year picked for today’s Buzz Off by big boss Ben Cooper, who was in the villa this morning. With Ben, Rhys and Rach on the show today, we were only lacking Greyhead for the full Chris Moyles Producer set. Aled was loving Chris’s choice of Yazz and both were doing identical hand movements on the chorus. Aled even started doing a bit of singing, which forced Rachel to buzz in straight away. That was on 2 minutes 23, Dave followed on 3:40 and Aled finally on 3:53. The text vote was 57% in favour of Buzz On. Chris urged everyone listening to support England tonight, whether they be English, Scottish, Welsh or Irish. One Scot texted in saying he’d be supporting Croatia. Chris told him to shut up and said that he’d done his bit for the Scots and it was now time for them to repay the favour (he once bought a Del Amitri album y'see).


JACK BAINE IN LISBON AND CARRIE STANDING IN FOR JULES:

If you’re a regular reader of my reviews you’ll know that Newsbeat’s Jack Baine is in Lisbon reporting on the England fans in Euro 2004, and after 7:30 today he linked up live for a little chat with Chris. After getting the wacky delay gag over and done with, Jack said Lisbon was fairly quiet this morning. He said it was still recovering from last night’s pandemonium after Portugal beat Spain 1-0. Unintentionally Jack said “pandemonium” in the cheesiest local radio DJ voice ever, which caused Chris and Dave to burst out laughing. From this point onwards pandemonium must have been mentioned in every link at some point, so forgive me the overuse of the word today, cos let’s face it I’ll never write it again after. Once Chris had taken the piss out of Jack with his cheesy mobile DJ impersonations, the conversation turned back to Lisbon. Jack said people in every car there last night were beeping their horns and waving flags out of their windows. Chris said he was leaning out of the window to watch all this, while Rhys took great pleasure in sitting back in a traffic jam and beeping his horn repeatedly for no great reason. Sounds like fun. Jack said his taxi driver had had a bit to drink last night and just about got him back to his hotel in one piece, although he seemed a great deal more concerned with telling him how great Portugal were and how crap Spain were. Chris said the ground went berserk when old Nuno Gomes blasted in that goal yesterday, and he played out the local radio commentary of it, which wasn’t subdued as you can probably guess. Part time breakfast news editor Jack kept doing his ridiculous Portuguese voice, which was weird hearing as he is usually one of Newsbeat’s more serious political types. He is predicting a 3-1 England win tonight and a quarter final clash with Portugal on Thursday, which would of course be “pandemonium” mate...

(Jack Baine - pandemonium)
- Read the latest diary entries from Jack and David Garridiot here in their blog, or catch up with everything regarding Newsbeat at Euro 2004 by clicking here

As I predicted back on the 27th of May (check the archives kids) Juliette is reporting on Wimbledon for Radio Five Live this next fortnight, so as a result isn’t reading the sport on Breakfast. I think her replacement is a good one - it’s Carrie Davies. She’s also another female Five Live sports reporter, who has read on Chris’s show on afternoons before and also done the odd bit of stuff on 606 and Radio 2. Carrie was thankful that Chris no longer has the “ooh Carrie Davies” jingle he made comparing her to Gary Davies, but he said he could remake it today if she wants, let’s face it he’s not got much else to do. Chris said unlike a lot of the other female sports journos, Carrie isn’t a dog and is actually an attractive lady (no pics available, sorry fellas). Predictably Chris and Dom did the “I’d give her one” gag, which made her feel slightly uncomfortable second time around. Dave said it was a neatly disguised bit of borderline harassment. Dom also said that Chris sounded so sleazy when he asked Carrie what she was wearing this morning (and yes he did play his sad music). Sticking with the subject of clothes, Dom (who was hilarious today - really fantastic) asked what Chappers looked like first thing in the morning. I would have thought he’d have known as I’m sure he read the news on Coxy’s breakfast show a few times. However, Chris said Chappers looks awful and for some reason has picked up the habit of wearing yesterday’s t-shirt first thing in the morning...
Chappers (butts in) - Because, because, I’m gonna go by the pool...
(Dom interrupts brilliantly) - Morning
Chappers - ...later..(stops mid sentence)..good morning Dom. How are you?
Dom (laughs) - I’m very well
Chappers - Because I’ve got to go and do some research by the pool later so I might as well wear the t-shirt from yesterday and let it get dirty and then wear the fresh one tonight, when I’ll look hot
(Rachel, Paul and then Chappers himself laugh)
Dave - You started wearing that t-shirt on Thursday though!
Chappers (sounding angry) - What? Why are you paying so much attention to my clothes you strange boy?
Chris (shouting across) - Cos you’re a scruffy git!!!
Chappers - Alright
(pause)
Chris - Don’t cry
Dom - Two words Chappers - personal hygiene...do you know what I mean?
(everyone laughs as Chris plays jingle)

CHART CHINWAG WITH WES:>>>>
Undoubtedly the funniest of these in months today, as Wes informed Chris of how he missed the Chili Peppers gig yesterday cos he was trying to chase a three legged cat. Interested? Here we go then. Wes had got home after his show to spot a limping little kitten (well actually a cat) outside his house. Wes did his bit and phoned the RSPCA, to whom he was on the line to for about half an hour. However, when they came round and they tried to get the cat, it kept running about everywhere - surely a sign that it must have been ok. After a couple of hours Wes said that they just decided to leave it...
Chris - So hang on, after all of this the cat’s still missing...and injured?
Wes - Yeah yeah
Chris - Right well a great help you are son, do you know what I mean..
Wes - I tried my best!!
Chris - Rather than sitting on the phone to the RSPCA inside watching the telly, did you not think it was a good idea just to pick the cat up yourself?
*Wes (squeals hilariously in high pitched voice) - No! no, I was outside guarding the cat
Chris (shouts) - Well you didn’t do a bloody good job did you? It ran away... with a broken leg!!!
Wes - Listen, I tried my best
Chris - Eh it’s curtains for the kitten now son...
(Wes laughs)
Chris -...cos of you
Wes - Well it’s the thought that counts
* - Possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard - Wes’s ultra high pitched voice as he tried to defend his actions. Oh and number one this week is Britney Spears.

- Don’t forget you can listen again to the UK’s Official Chart Show with Wes right here via that Listen Again link to Radio 1 Online
Everyone on the team was fairly perky this morning, that is apart from Dave who looked awful and put his bad mood down to him not having a shower before today’s show. Rachel said he stunk, but Chris said not as bad as her feet. Rach put her feet in a bag when she took her shoes off last week, just cos they stunk so much.
Dave - They’re like blocks of cheese with toes
(lots of background laughter - including Security Bear Paul)
Dave, Dom and Carrie played Guess Who, with three big celebrities spotted by Chris and Rhys at last night’s Spain - Portugal match. They were Alan Hansen, Gordon Strachan and David Pleat, although Rach wasn’t happy that the link was taking so long.
Chris - Go and make us a cup of tea will you my darling...
(Dom and Dave laugh)
Dom - I bet that goes down well in the villa doesn’t it?
Chris - Yeah it goes down like a fart in a crowded lift son
(Dom and Carrie laugh)
Dave - Make tea not war Rachel

GARY LINEKER LIVE ON THE PHONE:
Yep, the jug eared goalhanging crisp lover joined Chris live on the phone at 8:15 to talk about tonight’s match. Gary was clearly tired as he’d just been woken up (by Aled actually), and blamed it on the large night he’d had last night after the Portugal game. He agreed with Chris that the atmosphere in the ground was fantastic and said hopefully it’ll be just as good tonight for the England - Croatia game. Gary thinks we’ll win rather than draw, and he said that that would be a hell of a lot better for our nerves going into the last 10 or 15 minutes tonight. Chris explained that he is only staying out there as long as England are in the competition, so told Gary to put a good word in for him the next time he sees one of the players (cos he’s only got his base tan so far remember). You can tell Gary wasn’t that impressed with Chris’s truly dreadful Beckham and Alan Hansen impressions. Gary said Alan is actually dying to be an England fan inside...
Gary - Underneath it all he’s got a burning desire to be one of us
(everyone laughs)
The interview detoriated the longer it went on, but Gary vowed to come back on the show if England get through to the final against France. Lets hope so eh..

Chappers joined proceedings to confirm that it’s red shirts tonight, clarify England’s yellow card situation (not very well) and bring us more stats courtesy of his Chinese friend Mr BenQ. Chris did his Bert Kwouk impression for Ben...
Dave - Morning Ben if you’re listening
Chappers - Hey it’s Mr Q to you Dave
(Chris laughs)
Aled also had some footy news of his own (no really), regarding Aberystwyth’s involvement in the Intertoto Cup this summer. They drew 0-0 against FC Dinaberg from Latvia last week in Wales, and now just need a score draw from the away leg on Saturday to go through to the next round. Chris asked Aber’s vice president Aled who their main striker and goalkeeper was at the moment. Aled obviously had team info in front of him so was actually able to give their names...
Chris - Any other positions you’re curious about from the Aberystwyth side, Chappers or Dave?
Chappers - I want to know who their playmaker is
Aled - No I think you don’t
(everyone laughs)
Moyles played In Da Club by 50 Cent and remembered the time earlier in the year when he asked Fiddy what his first ever job was, only for him to reply “selling drugs”. Whoops. Chris said it has to go down as one of the highlights of his interviewing career. Chris also played Trick Me by Kelis and talked about something that I mentioned on this page a couple of months back. It’s well known that Kelis is a keen knitter and now has her own knitting tutor - non other than Hannah Brown who works at Radio 1. You may remember (if you’re as sad as me) Chris ranting at Hannah for knitting, when on afternoons last year. It was actually a show Rachel was producing, as she was covering for Will. This time around Chris didn’t give out Hannah’s name, but it’s confirmed in this interview with Kelis.
Dave - She’s wool mad
Chris (laughs) - It’s unbelievable
Big Villa was back too today. Aled got evicted and put in the villa’s makeshift bedsit with access to a sunbed, some dove body silk and a TV screen showing all channels, including CCTV footage of the villa. Aled then returned a day later, blissfully unaware they’d all been slagging him off as he’d been watching re runs of Sex In The City on E4 for the past 24 hours.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JIM parked next to a canal in Tottenham with geese 2
RUTH a photographer from Gillingham 0

Daves Tedious Link
Livin' Joy Dreamer - A dreamer is someone who probably spends a lot of time asleep - The opposite of asleep is awake - A wake is something that takes place after a funeral - Funeral For A Friend are a band from Wales - Whales are related to dolphins - Dolphins in the world of American football come from Miami - Miami Sound Machine were fronted by Gloria Estefan - Gloria Estefan shares the same first name as Gloria Gaynor - Gaynor Goodman is a famous name in the world of vintage page 3 models - Page 3 models are traditionally top heavy - Heavy rhymes with both chevy and levee, which were the subject of the song American Pie by Don McLean - Don McLean is a famous American singer who is now sadly dead, a bit like Kurt Cobain from Nirvana - Which links us to Nirvana and Smells Like Teen Spirit

DAVE’S TEDIOUS LINK NIGHTMARE:>>>

I must admit to wondering if Don McLean was dead as Dave did the link, but as soon as Chris back announced Nirvana with “roll your tapes now”, you knew Dave had made a huge balls up. Definitely the funniest Tedious Link mess up on Breakfast so far...
Chris - Nirvana and Smells Like Teen Spirit on today’s tedious link. Dave, seamless?
Dave - erm, I think there might have been a couple of problems
(everyone in the villa laughs as Chris hits the Treasure Hunt bed)

FLAWS
*Whales are not related to dolphins as whales are mammals
*A wake can take place before a funeral as well as after it
*Chevy and levee weren’t the subject of American Pie, that was Buddy Holly’s death
*and - Don McLean isn’t dead at all and is currently on a world tour
Dave - Well I have to say I didn’t know that
(everyone laughs)
Dave offered his sincerest apologies to Mr McLean and the McLean family, although he denied that him writing the link at 5.15am today had anything to the link as such...
Dave - I couldn’t get on the Internet this morning so I just thought I’d go with my instincts and say he was dead
(everyone in the villa laughs)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOCELYN
I don’t know how old she is but it’s Jocelyn’s birthday today. She’s the replacement daytime BA on the show for Geordie Kid and sounds quite fit (she did when she spoke on the air the other week anyway). Please can we have a photo of her Radio 1 Online? Thank you please.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Monday June 21st Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Chappers & Dave Show #6 - Sat 19th June 04 (MC) [Posted Saturday, June 19 2004 by MC_]

LIVE FROM PORTUGAL


1. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 2. Eve feat Gwen Stefani - Let Me Blow Ya Mind, 3. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 4. Angel City feat Lara McAllen - Touch Me, 5. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 6. Evanescence - Bring Me To Life, 7. Kristian Leontiou - Story Of My Life 1:30 NEWSBEAT 8. Kelis - Trick Me, 9. Tomcraft - Loneliness, 10. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate, 11. The Rasmus - In The Shadows, 12. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away, 13. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 14. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 15. Sugababes - Hole In The Head, 16. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 17. The Fugees - Killing Me Softly (Sporting Number One), 18. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck, 19. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 2:30 NEWSBEAT 20. Joe Budden - Pump It Up, 21. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 22. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 23. Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way, 24. Sean Paul - Get Busy, 25. Maroon 5 - This Love

Before their sixth Saturday sports show began, Chappers and Dave linked up live with Vernon from pool side at the Portuguese villa. So adamant were they to ram home the fact that they were by the pool, they had engineer Richard spend the entire length of the conversation splashing the water for a nice atmospheric effect. Dave said Richard really was a martyr to the cause. Despite the disappointingly overcast weather conditions in Portugal today, both Dave and Chappers were in reasonably good moods. They chatted about England’s form so far in the tournament with both Vernon and his guest Rob, a comedian who no one had ever heard of. Dave was talking bollocks again, and discussing England through his big blue Everton rose tinted spectacles...i.e slagging off everyone else apart from Wayne Rooney. Vernon has Denmark in his sweepstake and sees them as a good outside bet for the championship. Regular readers will of course know that I have Sweden in the chrismoyles.net messageboard sweepstake, and at the moment they are doing me proud. Denmark play Sweden on Tuesday night in their final group game...bring it on is what I say. Mark and Dave stayed outside for the opening link, although Dave was unable to recreate Rooney’s first goal on Thursday by heading home Chappers cross of the England beach ball into the pool goal. Dave didn’t connect because he said he would have ended up flying half way across the pool with a huge amount of highly expensive radio equipment following him in there. Instead the two of them decided to head back inside to resume proceedings from the makeshift indoor studio, with Chappers a lot more impressive at driving the desk than he was last week. Rachel was producing and Jocelyn helping out, while Moyles chilled by the pool in his shades. Chappers isn’t talking to Rachel after she gave away his football (albeit signed by Fatboy Slim) as a prize on yesterday’s breakfast show. He said he was genuinely gutted and the fact that the replacement ball they’d bought was worse has only annoyed him even more. Dave talked about the various departments of Radio One that had sent out staff to the villa, which surprisingly doesn’t so far include marketing. He said marketing usually send out 4 people to big trips abroad like this, normally cos they need to put up a banner or something (one person allocated per corner of banner) but this year it seems they’ve decided against it, perhaps realising that blu-tac will do the job without anybody from marketing having to be there.


Everyday on breakfast Dave is educating us all on the Portuguese language, and Chappers decided that now was time to see what he’s really made of and work out if he has actually learned anything useful over the pastv week and a bit. The way to do this was to ask him to translate some phrases recorded by Portuguese locals about the Chappers and Dave show back into English. He (as predicted) failed miserably and as a result opened it up on the text, promising a signed England shirt by all the team for the first person to correctly guess this particular phrase he was struggling on. That is obviously a huge prize and was a major incentive for the thousands of texts to come flooding in. Unfortunately Dave had made one of his legendary balls ups. He didn’t stress that the prize up for grabs was actually his England shirt, signed by the Chappers and Dave team (aka him, Mark, Rach and Joss) - not an England shirt signed by the actual England team. Dave said that there was no doubt the signed Chappers and Dave shirt would be worth more on eBay anyway. It was eventually won by Inis from London, who correctly translated the phrase as “Daves the one who snores, Chappers supports Manchester United and they’re the most popular men on Radio One”. I’d check the translation of the last bit myself..

PETER REID ON THE SHOW:

Mark and Dave went off down to a swanky hotel in Lisbon yesterday to interview the one and the only Peter Reid, ex Man City, Leeds, Sunderland and now Coventry manager - plus part time pundit for the beeb in big tournaments like this. I’ve always liked Reidy and in this interview he came across as a top man as well. First of all Mark and Dave started off chatting to him about England’s form so far, in particular the contributing factors to the French defeat and Michael Owen’s poor performances. Chris blamed David James principally for Sunday night (despite saying he is still our best keeper) and said that despite the fact Eriksson’s substitutions backfired, he could see his thinking in making them. He said that like most Englishmen he was heartbroken on Sunday, but now was in buoyant mood after the Swiss game (a professional performance), which he watched in the local park by the International TV Centre in Lisbon on Thursday. Reidy praised the atmosphere and admitted that he did party quite a way into the night afterwards. As regards Owen, Peter said he could see Chappers point in dropping him for Vassell, but he still thinks you’ve gotta keep Owen in the team for Monday. I agree 100%. Vassell is a good sub but Owen is a big, big player for us and is one of the first names on the team sheet every time. Reidy said mark his words, Michael will score against the Croats on Monday. Let’s hope he’s right...

The next topic of conversation was what it’s like working for the BBC at big tournaments like this. Reidy said he just thanked the lord Lineker was there asking the questions as he hasn’t a clue what Hansen, Strachan and Schmeichel are saying most of the time. I’m sure the feeling’s mutual Peter.
Peter - I think one of the good things about the BBC is that they’ve obviously got me in for my good looks and Jamie Redknapp in for his tactical knowledge
(Dave goes into a fit of laughter and Chappers laughs too)
Peter - So y’know you’ve gotta give them all credit...(laughs - then talks to Dave)..what are you laughing at?
(everyone laughs again)
Chappers - Jamie Redknapp’s tactical knowledge!! (all laugh once more)

REIDY’S PLAYER OR NOT A PLAYER:>>>>
Chappers explained how the competition worked last week and how the names were either those of real players or those of French sculptors etc. Dave gave him five names to correctly identify...
1 - Hakin Yakin - Yep, correctly identified him as a player (1 pt)
2 - Rui Varga - Again right, identified him as not a player (2 pts)
3 - François Truffo ...
Peter - Now he’s gotta be a sculptor
Dave - He’s actually a French film director I think. Right you’re on a roll, 2 more to go..
Peter (interrupting) - Well I’ve seen his films and he should get into sculpting!!
(Chappers and Dave laugh) (3 pts)
4 - Igor Tudor - Yes, player (4 pts)
5 - Ian Harte...
Peter - Leave me alone!!
Yep, the whole point of that feature was for an Ian Harte gag. Peter said he couldn’t possibly comment on that one and said it was one of the few times that anybody had ever left him completely speechless. Dave and Mark wished him the best of luck for next season at Coventry and Peter gladly accepted Moylesy’s invitation of a pint with him, Dave and Chappers one night, although he said his body is of course a temple.


THIS WEEKS FEATURES AND CHAPPERS AND DAVE ON TOUR:
This weeks sporting number one was chosen by Steve from Street in Somerset, Gazza’s fantastic volley against Scotland at Wembley back in Euro 96. He said he was behind the goal where he scored and in the mass celebrations that followed it he found himself about 10 rows down embracing some huge black guy who’d he’d never even seen before his life. The record on top spot at the time was Killing Me Softly by The Fugees (a record I know Dave hates). From this perspective it was therefore an ill advised choice, and from another perspective too...
Chappers - As if the Scots don’t love us enough at the moment for banging on about being at Euro 2004...
Dave (interrupting) - This’ll help then eh!!
3 And In this week was finally won by Jenny, who beat Hannah to claim Wimbledon tickets for Court Number One this Friday. The feature must have gone on for well over five minutes as these two constantly stumbled at the finish line, before Jenny thankfully got three in a row right. Dave said it was like pulling teeth. Today was also week one of Chappers and Dave’s new feature “Portugoal Of The Month”. It’s a good idea actually. The 3 best goals of the week were played out and in four weeks time there will be 12 of them, from which then the Radio One audience have to pick the top 3. If their opinion matches that of the special celebrity panel, they win access to all of Radio 1’s Summer Events in the UK - a top notch prize I’m sure you’ll agree. This weeks best three goals were Ruud Van Nistelrooy’s equaliser for Holland against Germany (Goal A), Henrik Larsson’s diving header for Sweden against Bulgaria (Goal B) and *gulp* Zinedine Zidane’s free kick against England (Goal C). Goals D, E and F will follow next Saturday (and if Milan Baros’s goal from tonight isn’t in there then there's no justice in this world). I know I’m more eagle eared than most listeners but I did notice that the commentary played of Larsson’s goal was wrong, as they played his second goal (the tap in) and not his first (the diving header).



Big Announcement - Chappers and Dave are going on tour to Norwich (aha) on the 17th of July for Radio One On The Road. They’ll be live from the Sports Park on Earlham Road with top footy guests and music from McFly, plus afterwards there’s a 5 a side tournament organised by Radio One. Chappers is managing the lads team and Emma B the girls side - full details can be found here at R1 ONLINE.


NEWS TEASERS:>>>>
1. Which Radio One DJ sent Chappers, Dave and Moyles a text after the French game on Sunday saying “allez les bleus!!, allez les bleus!!”?
A. Colin Murray (surprise surprise)
2. Which Radio One DJ mistakenly walked into Chappers and Dave’s bedroom at 2am this morning?
A. Grooverider

LINEKER ON WITH MOYLES THIS MONDAY
Yep, tis true. That jug eared England goalhanging legend is next on Chris’s big list of interviews from the BBC Sport team. He's joining Chris and co in the villa this Monday morning ahead of England’s final group match against Croatia in Lisbon that night. it should be good so make sure you’re listening Monday morning from 6:55. If not, remember you can always check back here for the review later in the week.


> Live From Portugal - Chappers and Dave Show 19th June - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday 18th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Friday, June 18 2004 by MC_]

OPENING JINGLE:>>>>
“We’ve played 2 games in Portugal, last night we beat the Swiss,
Wayne Rooney got 2 wonder goals and Gerrard’s one was bliss,
On Monday it’s Croatia, and there we will score more,
and then we’ll win the lot at Euro 2004,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”



1. Dario G - Carnival De Paris 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You, 3. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 4. Maroon 5 - This Love, 5. BUZZ OFF - House Of Pain - Jump Around 7:30 NEWSBEAT 6. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 7. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 8. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 9. Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way, 10. Christina Milian - Dip It Low 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Fat Les - Vindaloo, 12. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 13. Britney Spears - Everytime, 14. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 16. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 17. Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now, 18. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 19. Livin' Joy - Dreamer (Tedious Link), 20. Blink 182 - Down, 21. Jay Sean feat Rishi Rich Project - Eyes On You, 22. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Baddiel & Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions, 24. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 25. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Oh yes, spirits are high today after England’s much needed victory over Switzerland last night. Chris began with Five Live goal commentary from Alan Green and Mike Ingham, which was played over the BBC’s Euro 2004 music from Craig Armstrong, and then mixed seamlessly into the first footy track of the morning from Dario G. The performance wasn’t great yesterday but it’s the result that counted, and Dave said he felt both proud and relieved (in a football sense) this morning. Chris said even his mate Sandy who knows nothing about football text him to say “crap game, great result”. I presume this is Sandy Beech, who’s the guy behind Music4 (the company that make Chris’s jingles and backing beds). On Monday I didn’t believe Chris when he said his jingle singers had been hard at work recording jingles about the France game through the night, I thought they had just had three prepared beforehand - one for a win, one for a draw and one for a defeat. I was definitely wrong though as Moyles was telling the truth. He said the team wrote today's jingles when they arrived back at their villa last night, although he said some were lyriced a bit better than others. Here’s two more new ones, you guess which one he was referring to when he called it “simple yet effective and straight to the point”. Hmm...

MORE JINGLES:>>>>
“We won the game last night and Switzerland won’t thank us,
But we don’t really care cos the country’s full of bankers,
Gerrard scored one and two came from Wayne Rooney,
and now we’ve got some spare time we can mention DJ Spoony,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

“We beat the Swiss 3-0, we beat the Swiss 3-0,
We beat the Swiss 3-0, we beat the Swiss 3-0,
We beat the Swiss 3-0, we beat the Swiss 3-0,
We beat the Swiss 3-0, we beat the Swiss 3-0,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, we beat the Swiss 3-0, National Radio One”

Unsurprisingly everyone was feeling really perky today, even Aled who’s Welsh. The mood back in London Village seemed to be a lot better too. Dom watched the game in the pub with his 10 month old son Finton (who filled a nappy 10 seconds after Rooney scored his first - nice), while Juliette watched the first half in the hairdressers and the second half in a pub. She said her hair was now back like it used to be before, but just a little bit blonder and a little bit shorter. Dom told Chris to ask Jules where she got her hair cut.
Jules - Dom!...(laughs)...erm, Stoke
(pause)
Dom - Stoke!!
Chris - Stoke?
Yep that’s right. Jules had hopped on a train and gone all the way back home to her hairdressers in Stoke, which by the way is the Lounge on King Street, Newcastle. She got her hair cut there at 5:00, went into the nearest pub for the second half and then got back on the 7:00 train down to London. Chris said now that is what you call dedication. Dave said now that is what you call mentalist. Both have a point. Jules said Lou Macari was on her train back actually, although there wasn’t any point in having him as a Guess Who as most of the team wouldn’t know who he was *cough* Aled *cough*. Using the location of Stoke train station and his memories of what it was like when he lived there, Chris tried to work out what pub Jules would have been in last night. She didn’t even know herself so Chris was wasting his time.
Chris - If you’ve just switched over we’re discussing pubs in Stoke on Trent with Juliette
(Jules laughs)


ALIENATING PEOPLE, SLAGGING THE SWISS AND COMEDY DAVE SCHUMACHER:>>>>

It’s the same old story at big tournaments like Euro 2004 when it comes to Chris’s show. No other home nations apart from England qualify cos they’re crap, and they then have the nerve to say that Chris is alienating them by talking about football and England too much. Chris said he was hoping the Scots, the Welsh and the Irish were getting behind England back home (ha ha no chance) as he said he knew he would be if it was them at Euro 2004...
Chris - Aled you’re Welsh, are you pleased that England won last night?
Aled - I’m sure I can speak for all the nations when I say that we’re very happy for you for last night
Chris - For us?
Aled - Yeah
Chris - We’re all together y’see
Aled - Well we’re not, we’re not in here are we?
Chris - Well no but you’re here
Aled - I’m here, I’m on a great holiday
Dave - It’s not a holiday!!!
Aled - Oh sorry, I mean I’m working really hard
Chris said that when you work on national radio and broadcast to four or potentially five different nations (if you count Southern Ireland) then you can’t always keep everybody happy..
Dave - Well the whole world if you’re listening on t’internet
Chris - Yeah but stuff them
Dave - mmm
Chris - I mean we’re not gonna worry about upsetting Americans or the French or owt like that
Dave - Yeah
Chris - Or the Swiss this morning as you’ve proved quite blatantly with your mild racism
Dave (laughing) - no no no
Chris was referring to Dave calling the Swiss “a bunch of clock makers, cuckoo watchers and cheese heads”...that’s borderline racism courtesy of the BBC. Rhys and Rach told Dave to watch himself. Chris said he didn’t really want to alienate any Scottish, Welsh or Irish listeners because he needs the listening figures, and everyone knows that more listeners equals two words - pay rise.
Chris - You see if the listening figures go up, we get paid more money...(quieter)..well Rachel and Aled don’t cos they’re staff but at a freelance level Dave and I can negotiate bigger deals, anyway...
Dave - mmm
Chris told Danny Cowan to open up his mic back in London and talk to him about the whole going-on-about-England situation. Danny said as an Irishman he was with Aled on this...
Chris - OK but do you feel I’ve gone a bit over the top or not?
Danny - No you haven’t done too bad this morning
Chris - Good, thank you very much
Dave - Praise indeed
Chris - So we’ll play one more jingle, a goal montage and then a football record, lovely...
(Dom, Juliette and Danny laugh as Chris plays a jingle)

Chris said that when the team drove back from Coimbra yesterday, they actually passed the stadium in Leiria where France were playing Croatia. He said it was a bit of a blur though with Dave *Michael Schumacher* Vitty controlling the bellas rodas. Chris said he was convinced Dave was doing over 160 clicks at one point last night...
Dave (sounding worried) - No, no we weren’t. We clearly weren’t because that would be breaking the speed limit. I was well within the 120 specified by the Portuguese authorities
Chris joked that Dave didn’t have a licence and said he had been drunk, but seriously added that if Dave carries on driving like that he’ll have points on his licence soon. He said he already had six on it anyway. This morning’s Buzz Off track was also related to the football in a way, as Chris wouldn’t let anyone on the team buzz in. He said it was just him playing one of his favourite records (in full) that would get everybody up and out of bed dancing in a matter of milliseconds...well not me as I’d stuck a tape in, pressed record and gone back to sleep (so quite the opposite). The track Chris chose by the way was the classic Jump Around by House Of Pain, a number 8 UK hit on re-release back in May 93.

FATLIP SLIM AND DAY 6 OF COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY:

Chris and Dave met up with Norman Cook to interview him before the England game yesterday, and played out brief highlights on this morning’s show after 8:30. It’s fair to say Norman was sounding a little different to his usual self, as last week he had a bizarre sleep walking accident in his and Zoe’s Portuguese villa, which resulted in him breaking his nose, pushing his teeth up, bruising his face, cutting his chin and making his bottom lip yellow and blow up to Leslie Ash level. His voice was therefore all slobbery and it's too painful for him to shave so he has a bit of a bearded homeless look going on at the moment. Chris said he actually saw Norman again by coincidence after the match had finished, and he’d been cheering so loud that his lip had actually split...lovely. Dave found the whole Sopranos-esque scenario of Zoe finding Norman lying face down in a pool of blood as a source of comedy, which Norman thought was a bit cruel. Dave tried to apologise (but in vain). As regards the actual tournament, Norman thinks we’ll get over that defeat by France and make the semi-finals, where we’ll lose on penalties. You know it’s just gonna happen don’t you. After giving away a signed programme by Noel Gallagher the other day, Chris had got got Norman to sign Chappers football and was giving that away to the best texter this morning. As the texts came flooding in in their thousands, Dave went outside for a kick about with the ball by the atmos mic. Dave isn’t famous for his ball skills (if you pardon the expression) so it came as no surprise that the ball soon fell into the pool, even if by a dodgy rebound off the wall. Thankfully the signature was in permanent ink but after the ball went into the water for a second time, Dave said he was becoming slightly concerned that it might have been fading somewhat. Rach therefore took charge of the situation and took the ball from Dave (not by tackling him or owt). He complained but she said it was a competition prize and she was just trying to be a professional. Someone called Mark eventually won the ball with his text “I deserve it cos I’m a dribbler” (a nice bit of word play there).

Dave had a special dental version of Easy Portuguesey today in tribute to Fatboy Slim. He taught us how to say “I’ve lost a filling”, “This tooth hurts” and “I don’t want it extracted”, which I’m sure will come in handy on a daily basis. Chris repeated the phrase after Dave in Portuguese and admitted that his Portuguese accent sounds more like a generic European, Avid Merrion type voice. Chappers says Chris’s accent is alright compared to Comedy Dave’s, who put on a French accent when asking for a receipt at a toll booth in English last night...
Dave (laughing) - But I think that if you speak English in a slightly continental lilt, it makes you more understandable
Chappers - English in French isn’t always a winner in Portugal though
(Chris and Dave laugh)

CHAPPERS, COMPETITION WINNERS AND MID NEWS GUITAR SOLOS:>>>>
Chappers joined the team after 9 o’clock, although yet again he was wearing the same shirt as he has done for the last couple of days. Mark said he’d change later but had just stuck that particular shirt on as it was the first thing to hand this morning...
Chris - Really?..(laughter)...that’s bizarre cos the first thing into my hand..
(all laugh)
Dave (interrupting) - ...was your toothbrush!!
Chris - That’s right!!! (all laugh again)
Because kick off was at 5 o’clock yesterday, Chappers was doing live reports from the match back into Scott Mills’ drivetime show. However he didn’t warn any of the screaming England fans around him about this, so was taking one hell of a risk. Chris said Mark got so lucky as about one second after he’d given his out and was back off the air, some bloke screamed “Come on Scholesy you f*cking w*nker!!!”. Timing is everything. Before the game Moyles himself had got a lucky scare as Chappers handed him the phone to talk to Scott, not warning him that he was on the air. Thankfully though foul mouthed Chris didn’t utter any expletives down the line at him. Mark explained to Chris how the group stands now after France drew 2-2 with the Croats last night. Basically England need just a draw against Croatia on Monday to qualify for the quarter finals. The team also discussed Michael Owen’s current form. I disagree with Chappers who wants Darius Vassell in the team in his place, that’s just ridiculous. Vassell is a great weapon for us when coming off the bench for 25 minutes, but Owen is a world class striker and you have to play your world class players (current form aside) in these big competitions. Dave thought the tannoy announcer was hilarious for the substitutions yesterday, he kept saying (for example) “Substitution for England - No.10 Michael Owen entering No.23 Darius Vassell” (guh huh). Chris chatted to the competition winners about yesterday’s game. Derek from Sunderland said that he didn’t see Posh near them in the crowd yesterday (she was a few rows behind them apparently) but he did say that he saw the leg end (yep the gap is there on purpose) that is Carlton Palmer in front of them in a pink shirt. Somehow Dave failed to notice Carlton, despite his shirt colour and the conversations the rest of the team were having about him. Derek took a pic of Carlton without getting in shot, exactly what he did when he saw Des Lynam on their plane out there to Portugal. Chris by the way has got his Des jingle amended, it now goes “and he’s finally met Des Lynam”.

Dom was in the middle of some serious news story at 9:30 when that plinky plinky guitar intro and the start of one of Chris’s new jingles came in. Moyles said he was really really sorry and said it was an accident, he was just listening to it off the air but didn’t realise the fader was up. To be fair to Chris he did a marvellous cover up job, claiming it was someone in the villa playing a guitar, and then annoying Dominic by playing it seven more times during his news and One Road Travel bulletin. It made for great radio as with each interruption Dom was obviously becoming more and more frustrated. One Road Travel was good news again today btw. Dave said surely good news in the travel world is actually no news, but Dom said he was just pushing back the boundaries of travel news information. Other stuff today included Chris and Dave complaining about those stupid foreign waiters who take away your unfinished existing beer when they deliver you your new one - and Chris also gave his opinions on Britney’s new single Everytime, which looks like it's heading for top spot in the chart with Wes this Sunday. While I agree with Chris that the song is distinctly average, I do not agree with him when he says he’d go for Christina over Britney (now there’s a thought). Aled wouldn’t say it but I will - Aguilera is a yankee slut. I’d go for Britney but give me Kirsten Dunst instead any day of the week. While Rach was rushing around working on stuff in the villa last night, Chris settled down to watch Big Brother with Aled. I know that just a few weeks back I was completely slagging off the show on this page, but I can’t deny that I’m watching it more and more now, and last night’s show was well...genius. It was some of the best TV I've seen all year (ratings are up 4 million from the other week as well). Personally I think Nadia, Michelle, Emma and Marco are a bunch of [insert own expletive]. I think Jason and Victor are quality and Ahmed aside, I quite like the rest of them. Chris didn’t have much time to talk about BB but played out selective audio from the huge punch up and a clip of Michelle and Emma (the two thickest girls in the world) asking each other what “getting your comeuppance” means. I tell you what it means - you two bitches out in the next 2 evictions..*cough*, rant over.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
MICHELLE a healthcare assistant from Leicester 2
ANDREW who drives a digger in Hertfordshire 0

Daves Tedious Link
Robbie Williams Strong - Robbie Williams lives in LA and likes dogs, which are two things that he shares in common with Ozzy Osbourne - Ozzy Osbourne has a daughter called Kelly - Kelly rhymes with wellie, which is something you would wear on a foot - A foot is also a unit of measurement, commonly used for the calculation of human height - Height and weight often go together, which is interesting because they also share all but one of their letters in common - The word “common” can also be used to describe a small patch of grassy park land - Park land shouldn’t be mistaken for Parklife, which was a single for Blur - Blur rhymes with buerre, which is the French word for butter - Butter is regarded as being a dairy product, as is milk - Milk comes from cows - Cows were promised to the Swiss team if they beat England last night, which they obviously won’t be getting cos they didn’t, and all that crazy Swiss talk of a cow a man win bonus meant that they must have been living in a dreamland - and somebody who lives in a dreamland and dreams a lot about stuff would be referred to as being a “dreamer” - Which links us to Livin' Joy and Dreamer

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOW OF THE WEEK: Monday/ Wednesday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: France jingles, Easy Portuguesey and the one and the only Mr Noel Gallagher on the show (Monday), Chihuahua chat, Aled goes shopping, Aled’s football chants and post news and sport chat @ 9:30 (Tuesday), Big Villa, Aled’s Holiday Report, Half time and Easy Portuguesey (Wednesday), Aled @ the Switzerland team hotel and Stubbsy and Lawro on the show (Thursday), plus Switzerland jingles, Comedy Dave Schumacher and mid news guitar solos (all today). Also, don’t forget you can Listen Again to all the weeks shows by following the links to Listen Again via Chris’s Radio 1 mini-site.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday June 18th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs 17th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Thursday, June 17 2004 by MC_]

1. Black Legend - You See The Trouble With Me 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 3. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 4. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 5. BUZZ OFF - Holly Johnson - Americanos, 6. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 8. Christina Aguilera feat Lil' Kim - Can't Hold Us Down, 9. McFly - Obviously, 10. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out, 12. Kelis - Trick Me, 13. Baddiel & Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions, 14. N*E*R*D - Maybe 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Elvis Vs JXL - A Little Less Conversation, 16. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 17. Eminem - Lose Yourself, 18. Robbie Williams - Strong (Tedious Link), 19. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 20. Damien Rice - Cannonball, 21. 4-4-2 - Come On England 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 23. Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow, 24. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 25. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck

Today is the big day then. It’s England v Switzerland at 5 o’clock this evening in Coimbra and hopefully it’ll be three points in the bag to get us off and running at Euro 2004. I honestly couldn’t think of a better way to start the show than with the awesome You See The Trouble With Me by Black Legend, which (you’ll never believe this) is actually 4 years old this month. Chris said he felt like a bag of crap this morning, Dave was tired too, Aled looked rubbish, Jocelyn had drank her body weight in Baileys last night, and as for Rachel...well she was as radiant as ever (of course). Chris said he’d help Dave push her in the pool later, which she wasn’t too pleased about. Chris said she was in a grump again today, but she claimed it was just because she’s the only one who ever cleans up and stacks the villa dishwasher.
Chris - That’s cos you’re a woman, it’s your job!!!
Jules - Oh shut up
Rachel - Thank you Juliette
Chris (sounding shocked) - What are you telling me to shut up for?
Jules - Because you were being sexist
Chris - I’m not being sexist
Dave (laughing) - We’re being realists
(Dom laughs)
Rachel said that from now on she’s going on strike from washing and cleaning up then...mmm yeah right. Sticking with the theme of complaints (no don’t worry Ofcom aren’t involved), Chappers was moaning again about Dave’s snoring this morning. Dave said he thinks it’s got better since he’s been out there in Portugal. Dom had a special technique that he suggested Dave used to reduce his snoring levels - get a tennis ball, place it on his back and then wrap it securely in place by using a pair of tights or something. Dom said theoretically this should stop him snoring as it turns him onto his side at all times. Chappers said that this didn’t particularly matter though - cos Dave snores in whatever position he’s lying. Buzz Off today was a bit of a strange choice by Chris to say the least - Americanos by Holly Johnson, number 4 back in April 1989. Chris said he picked it especially for Dave, but Vitty didn’t think it had aged well and buzzed it off after 1 minute 49. Rachel had done so earlier on just 35 seconds, and then was a right pain in the arse as she went out of control and repeatedly tried to buzz the song off for Aled. He finally crumbled under her bullying tactics after 2 mins 25, and 68% of all texters buzzed it off too. Following Buzz Off, Aled played a quick (and successful) round of Dave’s Introductory Service with songs from 1989, and then set off on a mildly dangerous, top secret mission with security bear Paul (I’ll have loads more on this later). In the meantime Moyles went off on his regular tour of the bedrooms upstairs on the radio mic, or to be more precise his regular tour of Dave and Chappers' bedroom. He lay in Dave’s bed as he said he wanted to feel close and warm to him, which Dave was understandably worried by. Chris said one side of the bed stunk of BO and the other side of perfume. I’ll leave you to ponder that one folks.
Chris - Dave, have you been suffering from a cold?
Dave - No
Chris - Well there’s loads of tissues on the floor down by this side of the bed
Chris said he had also noticed Dave's sheets were crusty and had a strange pattern on them (and good morning kids). Other discoveries were 18 bottles of Lynx, copies of OK and Hello magazine, and a big pile of mucky jazz mags in Dave’s sock draw (for comic effect obviously). Chris also ran through Dave’s CD stack on the windowsill - Supergrass, Groove Armada, Feeder and surprisingly Gloria Gaynor, Liza Minnelli and Dave Pearce’s Dance Anthems. Again these weren’t really there, it was just for comic effect...I mean no one would even dream of buying that last one for gods sake.


ALED AT THE SWITZERLAND TEAM HOTEL:

Yep Producer Rachel takes the credit for this genius idea - sending Aled off to cause havoc outside the Switzerland players team hotel. When Aled arrived he said security was tight, but somehow he’d managed to sneak his way in and right up to the bottom floor windows underneath all the big suites upstairs (suites as in rooms you understand, not toffos or chewits). That was the good news, the bad news was that he’d forgotten to take any noise making equipment with him from the villa kitchen. Therefore, he only had his own voice as a piece of noise making equipment, although if you remember the Pot Noodle fiasco on afternoons last year then you’ll know that that’s fairly deadly too. The plan was for Aled to chant and make as much noise as he could until he got arrested. Technically this was yet another illegal act - breaking and entering (some sort of privacy issue) but Chris and Dave didn’t really care and had plans in case Aled was caught anyway.
Chris - If anyone finds you and Paul Aled, just say that you’re Pete and Geoff from Virgin Radio
(Aled and Dave laugh)
Dave - Actually if you get busted Aled, just say that you’ve got diplomatic immunity
(Chris laughs)

Chris asked people to text in chants for Aled to shout out at the Swiss players in the hotel. The best suggestion was linked to a news story today, which said that if the Swiss beat England tonight, each player will be presented with the traditional gift that accompanies any great sporting achievement in their country - a cow (as in the animal you understand). Cowabunga. The task was therefore set - to the tune of "you’re not singing any more", Aled had to shout out “You’re not getting, you’re not getting, you’re not getting any cows, you’re not getting any cows!!”. He did this, made a woo sound, shouted England and then ran off to hide behind a bush. One security guard nearby just laughed at him. The next chant set also had an offer of 100 euros behind it from Chris, it was to spell out “England” in a cheerleader stylee, made a load of noise, shout “the Swiss smell of cheese” and then run off. Unbelievably Aled accepted and completed the challenge, which again was hilarious. Chris said there’s nothing like a bit of mild racism first thing in the morning...
Dave - Borderline xenophobia
Unfortunately for Aled, the next security guard that saw him did come up to ask what he was doing, but Jones said he took pity on him as soon as he found out he was Welsh and then just let him go.

STUBBSY AND LAWRO:

Yep - them two blokes off Football Focus were live in the villa this morning. Ray has now been on the show quite a few times, but Lawro was making just his second appearance, his first was on Comic Relief Day last year. He wasn’t best pleased with his 6:30 alarm call this morning.
Chris - So you two are out here working for the BBC and watching loads of football. What a great gig, how did you manage to pull something like that off?
(Dave laughs)
Grumpy Lawro had started with the insults early, referring to himself and Stubbsy as legends - and Chris as a nobody. Moyles said he knew Mark was just jealous of his good looks and great physique. Lawro said more like his Atkins diet, which prompted a chorus of “ooohs” from around the villa. Chris fought back, calling Mark an ex Chuckle Brother lookalike (poor) and David Dickinson...cos he’s caught the sun you see. Cheap as chips. Lawro wasn’t saving the (admittedly light hearted) insults just for Chris...
Lawro - Dave, did you hear about the Everton player of the year do?
Dave - *sighs* Come on then..
Lawro - It’s a rollover!!
(Chris, Dave and Ray laugh)
Dave wanted to know what Mr Coca Cola League Championship Moyles was laughing at. That soon shut him up. Lawro is doing the TV commentary for the BBC at Euro 2004 so has been to virtually a game a day since the tournament started. He was at the Portugal game last night, although he couldn’t remember who they were playing. He blamed his one day off the booze (they were playing Russia). Tonight he’s in Leiria doing the live commentary on the France v Croatia match, but said he will sit down to watch the England - Switzerland game in the stadium compound beforehand (it’s white shirts again for England tonight, I repeat white shirts). Lawro said that England should win easily today as he saw Switzerland’s first match with Croatia and said it was the best advert for cricket he’d ever seen. He also added that France and England are the two best teams he’s seen in the competition so far, and thinks despite their defeat the other night, there is no reason to believe that England can’t still go on and win the tournament. Ray agreed with Mark’s verdict and said that he’d be watching tonight’s game from the International Broadcast Centre in Lisbon, where he is based for all of the beeb’s highlights shows. Chris’s “researchers” had got him details via the web of Lawro’s glittering playing honours, featuring numerous European Cups, League titles, League Cups and FA Cups etc.
Chris - It’s just so impressive
Dave - A glittering career
Chris - Yeah
Lawro - and I’m here
Chris - and he’s here live
Dave - I know yeah, stick this on your CV
(Lawro and Dave laugh)

MARK AND RAY - FOOTBALL CHAT:>>>>

Ray asked Chris and Dave what they made of Henrik Larsson’s diving header for (the mighty) Sweden against Bulgaria the other night. Chris said unfortunately they didn’t actually see the match in question as they were too busy playing lilo wars in the pool...
(Lawro and Ray laugh)
Ray - How does that work?
Chris - Well one gets on one end and another on the other end and you just race towards each other and have to pull, erm...let me phrase this right. You have to...
Dave (interrupts) - pull the other one off so to speak
Chris - Basically yeah
(Ray and Lawro laugh)
Chris - It’s a great game, Aled plays it
Lawro - Often
Chappers joined the team after 9 to talk football, and had some official championship stats supplied by BenQ. Ray said Ben must work hard on his own (ber dum cha) and Lawro asked if the English equivalent of BenQ was B & Q. Chappers and Stubbsy discussed how teams are seperated if they're left on the same number of points at the end of a group stage. The list went on forever and included goal difference, goals scored, the result against the team in question, the qualifying co efficient, FIFA fair play rankings, penalty shoot outs and drawing lots. Chris said that if they were still level by this point then they could decide who goes through by either a round of lilo wars or a “best chant” competition. Ray said if that was the case then “You’re not getting any cows!!” would definitely take England through. Chappers fired a few simple Euro 2004 questions at Chris, who took great pride (for instance) in correctly answering that Portugal were the hosts of Euro 2004.
Chappers - Well done. It’s like being sat opposite John Motson
Lawro - No I can assure you it’s not
(everyone laughs)
Chris talked about the time he met Motty at the Great North Run two years ago. Lawro told him not to slag the Mots off as he got him, Ray and Ray’s son a helicopter from the finishing line this year. Chris called Lawrenson a crazy grey haired man and asked him what time Bargain Hunt was on today (that annoys him badly btw). If you’ve checked out today’s playlist you’ll notice roughly five football related records in there. One of these football tunes is the cover of Come On Eileen by 4-4-2, called Come On England (y’see what they’ve done there). This is the record that Chris and Dave were asked to get involved in a few months back, and listening to it now they were glad that they didn’t. Chris called it mess, Dave called it muck and Moyles also added that all their credibility would have vanished immediately if they’d sung on that rubbish.
Chris - You know that we’re recognised as the coolest DJ’s on the planet Dave
Dave - We’d be seen as small time clowns if we’d got involved in that
Chris - Yep, I mean we are cool. If you look up cool in the dictionary these days there’s me and you there (Lawro laughs off mic)
Chris - Anyway coming up next we’ll play Busted
(9:30 news stab)
As I mentioned earlier, Lawro was doing the commentary on the Portugal - Russia match last night, which the Portuguese won 2-0. Chris had the local radio commentary of the first goal and played it out this morning. You’ll probably know that continental commentators tend to get a bit excited in such circumstances, and this guy’s scream of “Goaaaalllll!!!!” lasted for 14 seconds (measured with the pips underneath). As we know from his old Let’s Get Ready To Ramble precursor, Dave is no slack when it comes to holding a note for quite a long time. Chris challenged him to scream “Goaaaalllll!!!!” at the point in the commentary where the Portuguese fella does, and see how long he could last for (with added reverb). It was a stunning performance by Mr McVitty, who scored a sensational 28 seconds (double what the Portuguese fella did). Lawro and Ray were mightily impressed, Mark even thought Dave had got stuck up there at one point.

COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY DAY 5 - PLUS ALED RETURNS:>>>>

The fact Lawro and Stubbsy were on made no difference to Dave, who still had important phrases to teach us in Easy Portuguesey. All today’s were related to visiting restaurants. Dave taught us “excuse me waiter”, “one draught beer please”, “good evening/good afternoon” and “I’m here on business”. Plus especially for Lawro, Dave had the Portuguese translation of “I’d like the wine list please”.
Lawro - No I just say “Crystal” and it comes
Dave - Crystal, is also the local beer here as well as being champagne. Did you know that?
Lawro - I do now (Chris laughs)
Dave - 1 euro 96 for six in our local supermarket, tremendous value I’m sure you’ll agree...
Chris - Yeah, alright (Stubbsy and Lawro laugh)
(pause)
Chris (talking to Lawro) - What’s the Portuguese for Crystal eh? Do you know what I mean? The Puff Daddy of football over there
(Stubbsy and Dave laugh)
Chris - The Puff Daddy of BBC Sport
Lawro - Never leave your roots mate
Chris - Eh? You need yours doing!!!
(Lawro, Dave and Ray laugh as Chris plays 411 & Ghostface Killah)

Aled arrived back to rapturous applause for his efforts at the Swiss hotel, which will hopefully go some way to affecting tonight’s result in England’s favour.
**Lawro - Did you get the Swiss team?
Aled - Sorry?
Lawro - Did you get the Swiss team?
Aled - In what way?
Lawro - What do you mean, “in what way”?
(everyone laughs)
Dave - Not their numbers!!! (Chris laughs)**

**Ray - Aled, are they playing the diamond or the sapphire formation tonight? Did you find that out?
Aled (hesitant) - I asked and they said sapphire
(everyone laughs)
Lawro - He's for real isn’t he? I didn’t think he was**

- Aled embarrassed himself further with his lack of football knowledge. At one point he claimed a team had 13 players and then at another he claimed that they each had “2 reserves”. It took Lawro a while to fully grasp the fact that Aled was being deadly serious, but he eventually realised that he was. Lawro said he was off to Leiria for the France match tonight but will be back in Lisbon for Football Focus this Saturday. Stubbsy said Chris and Dave were more than welcome to come on the show. As a pair I think they might have done, but Dave can’t cos of his show with Chappers and therefore it’s unlikely that Chris will either.

NO CARPARK CATCHPHRASE TODAY
Carpark Catchphrase was cancelled this morning as Aled’s ventures meant it was the only time the team could do Easy Portuguesey (i.e after 9:30), plus of course Ray Stubbs and Mark Lawrenson were still their special guests. Do not fear though Carpark fans - Roy Walker and Mr Fish will be back on tomorrow morning.

Daves Tedious Link
Groove Armada At The River - The word “armada” is synonymous with the Spanish, who are also famous for making omelettes - Omelettes are what we all had for lunch yesterday, which were really nice - The word “nice” shares exactly the same word construction as Nice, which is a city in France - France narrowly beat England on Sunday which means three points are required tonight against the Swiss - The Swiss are skilled in the art of making watches - Watches are worn by referees - The word “referee” rhymes with Geoffrey, who was a character in Rainbow - Rainbows are created by the refraction of light within water particles - Water particles are the main components of clouds - Clouds are less common in Portugal than they are in say somewhere like Manchester - Manchester was the birthplace of our guest on Monday, who was Mr Noel Gallagher - and when Noel Gallagher has a cup of tea, he likes to have two teabags in it rather than just one, because he likes his tea to be strong - Which links us predictably to Robbie Williams and Strong (Chris said Noel would no doubt be delighted that Dave linked from him to Robbie)

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs June 15th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Wednesday 16th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 16 2004 by MC_]

1. Jamelia - Superstar 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 3. Republica - Ready To Go, 4. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 5. BUZZ OFF - The Boo Radleys - Wake Up Boo!, 6. Coldplay - In My Place 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. The Chemical Brothers - Hey Boy Hey Girl, 8. Blink 182 - Down, 9. Girls Aloud - The Show, 10. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Len - Steal My Sunshine, 12. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 13. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded, 14. Jay Sean feat Rishi Rich Project - Eyes On You 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 16. Sugababes - Hole In The Head, 17. Sean Paul - Get Busy, 18. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 19. Groove Armada - At The River (Tedious Link), 20. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 21. Lostprophets - Wake Up (Make A Move), 22. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 24. Bhangra Nights Vs Husan - Bhangra Nights, 25. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

Musically it was a fantastic start to the show today, with no duff records till about 7:45. In fact of the 25 songs listed above, I’d say there is only 6 or 7 bad records there...rather impressive when you consider that this is Radio One, or Red Hot Chili Peppers FM as it is otherwise known this week. The team had a quiet night in last night, just relaxing and watching the football (or in Aled’s case making a lego robot - more on that later). Chris said he was in a good mood despite his groggy voice. The fact that Ruud Van Nistelrooy grabbed Holland a late equaliser against Germany last night was obviously nothing to do with how good he was feeling...
Chris - and the Germans didn’t win last night!!!..(normal voice)..not that we’re celebrating that of course, cos we have no gripes with Germany anymore as it’s the year 2004
*cough*. Chris was woken up early this morning by the idiots who’ve moved in next door, and was keen to stress that these aside he is yet to see/hear any England fans causing trouble in Portugal. Chris made a point of discussing the overnight violence in the Algarve with Dom, and was reminding everyone that the Algarve was 4+ hours away from them...essentially Chris was saying that the team were alright and there was no need to worry. Don’t worry Chris, we weren’t. There was a clip of David Garrido in the sport, who was busy interviewing Becks and co at yesterday’s England press conference. I thought I was sad when I heard him while watching that press conference live on Sky Sports News (hey exams are over and I’m a student). However, it seems Chappers is worse as he went right up to the screen and pointed out Garrido to Chris whenever the camera focused in on the journalists. While Garridiot is doing the team (so to speak) and Chappers is busy concentrating on show stuff in the villa, part time brekky news editor Jack Baine from Newsbeat is busy out and about on the streets of Lisbon. He’s working day and night to cover possible violence etc. Chris said so far Jack’s put in more work than Michael Owen. Jack’s only complaint is that his hotel in Lisbon doesn’t have a pool, which Chris said he hasn’t shut up about on the few occasions that they’ve met up since last Thursday. Jack (like Chris and the team) is off to Coimbra tomorrow for the England - Switzerland game. Coimbra btw is pronounced “Quimbra”, Chris said it was very hard to get your tongue around (ber dum cha). England will again be in white shirts tomorrow, confirmed via text to Chappers today by his man in the know at the FA. Rachel was disappointed cos she prefers the red shirt. Chappers urged all England fans to text their mates out in Portugal and let them know that they’ve got to wear white tomorrow. He said this because Moyles took it personally and got really offended whenever he saw anyone wearing red on Sunday. Executive producer Rhys invited his mate Andy from Five Live over to the villa to watch the Holland - Germany game with them last night. Chris, Dave and Chappers didn’t have a clue who he was (and remember Chappers works for Five Live), so Moyles was understandably upset that this guy had drank their beer, ate their food, watched their telly and then buggered off just 10 seconds after the final whistle. Nevertheless the final score of 1-1 was a pleasing result in the circumstances. Chappers as a red was pleased that Van Nistelrooy scored and also said he prefers the Dutch to the Germans anyway...although in footballing terms obviously, I mean we treat them all equally as people. *coughs again*. Chris predictably did the “why the long face” Van Nistelrooy gag, although he soon shut up when Chappers said Ruud and Smudger would make a great partnership up front next season. Today’s games are Greece v Spain (5:00) and Portugal v Russia (7:45), both in Group A.

Despite not playing their song today, Chris had non personalised drops to play from The 5678’s introducing their new song Woo Hoo that I was talking about last week on this page. Chris loves it but Dave finds it increasingly annoying as every day goes by. It’s growing on me, a bit like the new Kylie one Chocolate and that Girls Aloud single The Show that I was slating when Chris played it the other week. He played it again today and asked Dave who from Girls Aloud he’d most like to bonk if he had the chance (high brow kids). Dave quite rightly pointed out that none of them are unattractive, although Rachel thinks that Sarah (the blonde leggy one from Stockport) is a slapper. She didn’t obviously say this but Chris said he could gage it from her facial expression. The others are Cheryl, Nadine, Kimberley and the ginger one Nicola, who now isn’t ginger anymore. I’d probably go along with Aled in going for her first, mainly cos she’s nearer my age. Dave said whoever you went for, it wouldn’t be the worst selection problem you’d ever have...
Dave - I’ve had worst choices
Chris - I know I’ve seen some of them through the years. It’s 7:57...
Dave - They weren’t even choices half of them, y’know what I mean?
(Chris laughs)

ALED HADYN JONES - CHRIS MOYLES SHOW LEG END:

A large majority of today’s show revolved around Aled in some way or another and Chris had a brilliant story to tell involving him in the villa last night. Jones came downstairs to complain about the football still being on, as he wanted to watch Big Brother. Dave asked him what the hell they were out there for if it wasn’t to watch football. Aled blamed the fact there was a game on earlier too for his comment, although he didn’t realise there’s been two games on every day since the tournament began on Saturday.
Aled - 2 games a day? Oh my god...
Chris said Aled looked like a male version of Princess Leia in his huge, massive, over sized headphones this morning. Dave compared him to an American sports reporter and those fellas with the ping pong bats that bring the planes in at the airport. Aled went lilo shopping for the villa swimming pool yesterday, despite not being able to get in the water himself cos he can’t swim and is allergic to chlorine or summat. Jones brought back one multicoloured lilo and one pink armchair. Yep you did read that correctly - one pink armchair. Aled said that he had the option of pink or blue but thought that blue blended in with the colour of the water too much...
Aled - ...whereas there’s no fear of that problem with the pink. Although it does stick out a bit...
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Chris (laughing) - Right, there’s no problem with pink although it does stick out a bit
(Dave laughs again)
Chris said you’d be damn sure he won’t be jumping on that in the pool no more. Aled’s main role in today’s show was as holiday reporter on the place Chris and the team are staying, a small village in Portugal an hour north of Lisbon. Basically Aled (over the BBC Holiday music) did a holiday type patronising report on the area (recorded yesterday). It was cheesy but brilliantly done and very funny, really capturing the whole Portuguese vibe. If you can I really would take time out to listen to it on this weeks Listen Again here at 8:15 (available till Wednesday 23rd of June). If not, it’ll be available for download in the all new Sound Vault in the next few weeks. The report ended with Chris running through the intricate details of Aled’s stay, which was hilarious...(note the Juan Kerr reference):
Chris in his voiceover style at the end -
Aled travelled by car to the beach, which takes approximately 30 minutes, depending on where you start from. He spent the day swimming and sunbathing, which is absolutely free for both adults and children, and enjoyed steak and chips in the Juan Kerr restaurant, which is right on the beach where a meal for 2 costs approximately 40 euros, based on 2 sharing. For more information about this or any other of the holiday destinations featured on the show, visit your nearest travel agent...who’ll be able to give you more information.

BIG VILLA UPDATE:>>>>
Yep yesterday was Day 6 for the team in the villa and they spent a relaxing night in last night. Dave, Chappers, Chris and Rhys all watched the Holland - Germany game (cue sound of them watching the game on telly last night and cheering at Van Nistelrooy’s equaliser - Rhys shouts “face like a donkey!!” when he scores). These clips were interspersed fantastically with clips of Aled up in his bedroom trying to make a robot out of lego...and no I’m not lying. Aled really is building a robot from lego and has taken it with him to Portugal to continue his work on it. It’s yet to be finally programmed but in the end he hopes it will be able to serve drinks on it’s special tray to thirsty members of the team by the pool. Dave said it’s rubbish and suggested burning it on the barbie, which Aled said made him feel crushed. That’s probably a good suggestion on what to do with the robot actually. Aled said he would call it some Welsh name I’m not even going to try and write down.
Dave - Is that Welsh for pointless lego robot that serves no purpose?
(Chris laughs)
So just to summarise - Aled has a teddy bear called Hilton and a lego robot (I’ll call it Alfred) up in his room...I’m stuck for words. Well actually I can think of a few but we don’t insult Aled on this site for obvious reasons...

(Here he is - the one and only Alfred the lego robot)

POOLSIDE FUN - AND TRESPASSING:
As you may have noticed, I mentioned earlier on that a group of rowdy England fans have taken up residence in the villa next to that of the assembled Radio One posse. These fans were singing Rule Britannia at 1:45am last night and woke up an angry Mr Moyles from his beauty sleep. This morning he was kind of getting his revenge by viewing Radio One’s secret camera attached to the outside of the villa, which was clearly showing what was going on next door. Chris called it Chav cam (cue Dave’s pig squeal laugh) and referred to them as “chavs on tour”. The camera showed a rather unfortunate shot of a bloke lying back on a Union Jack towel with his knees in the air, thus creating a shot of his arse between his ankles. Rach said technically this was invasion of privacy, although Chris said after last night he didn’t care any more. The team were hanging around the pool for most of the day yesterday and played a spot of poolside football with Chappers' massive England beach ball. Chris was more than impressed with himself for a bullet header that he buried past Dave in the pool goal from one of Chappers' trademark right wing crosses. He was less impressed with himself though for one of his shots that somehow managed to rise and clear the 30ft wall into next doors villa. Dave broke in to fetch the ball, although he preferred to say that he “scaled the fence momentarily”. So not only were Chris and Dave invading peoples privacy this morning, but they were also breaking and entering yesterday - joy.

OTHER STUFF TODAY:>>>>
There was so much of it I don’t know where to start. Ok we’ll try here - there were new ads on the show today promoting Abba’s Greatest Hits and the latest gigs going on up and down the country. They were all in Portuguese though so I presume Chris has just nicked them from the local radio over there (although I doubt he’s allowed to do that). They sounded genuine anyway - although maybe they’re clearly not and I’ve just fallen for it hook, line and sinker. Buzz Off this morning was played entirely in full and left well alone by one and all - Wake Up Boo! by The Boo Radleys, a number 9 hit back in March 1995. After standing up Jules for a drink yesterday lunchtime, Dom has promised to go out with her today. It seemed she’d started early too, she fell off her chair after one bulletin, despite the fact that it wasn’t even happy hour. She said her and her friend from Coventry were wining it in a fancy cafe bar/restaurant all yesterday afternoon. Despite teasing her often and calling her a drunk, Chris said Jules really does get wrecked after a couple of glasses of wine. She even did the splits on the team’s last night out together. Chris said he actually had a photo of that...jammy git. Dave was baffled by the fact that Jules actually did it in her jeans...
Juliette - I’m very flexible Dave (pause)
Dom - Can you do it in just your pants then Dave?
(everyone laughs)
Chris - Oh lord
Rachel - Oh!!
(Juliette laughs)
Dave - You know what Dominic, I have problems doing the splits in any garments!!
Dom - Exactly (pause)
Chris - Juliette can you do it in your pants?
(Dave and Dom laugh, Rach shouts “move on”)
Chris - Ok then we’ll leave it there (plays jingle)
As well as chatting to Dom and Jules, Chris also chatted to Danny Cowan back pressing the buttons in London. However, he didn’t add anything of any great significance so we’ll move straight on. Chappers had a theory on why David James didn’t see any videos of Zidane taking free kicks before Sunday’s game. It was because Wayne Rooney was too busy watching Peter Kay DVD's (as he admitted he does in the press today). Chris said you don’t know what DVD it was though, it might be Kay advising goalkeepers on the positioning of Zidane’s free kicks. Hmm, doubtful. After Rooney said him and Gerrard spend most of their spare time on the track and field games in the hotel arcade room, Dom said that one of his friends got arthritis from playing on them so much. To avoid a potential libel Dom added that it was probably genetic and him prone to it anyway (true friendship eh?).

(Rooney in action against the French last Sunday)

COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY DAY 4 - USEFUL CHAT UP LINES:>>>>

Dave read out the phrases in Portuguese and then the English translations. In between Chris nipped in with his funny predictions of what they meant, which you can see on the right hand side of the page...
1 - Can I get you a drink? - Not: You have a nice arse
2 - You look great, can I kiss you? - Not: Do you fancy a quickie?
3 - Shall we go somewhere quieter? - Not: Honestly love, keep the money
4 - Thanks for the evening, see you soon - Not: You don’t live with your mum do you?

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
STUART who drives a street sweeper in Fife 2
HEATHER a butch plumber from Boston 1

Daves Tedious Link
Spice Girls Wannabe - The video for the Spice Girls' Wannabe was shot inside London’s St Pancras station - If you add the letters A, R and Y to station you get “stationary”, which is a word associated with static vehicles, pens and paper - Paper comes from trees - Trees produce carbon dioxide during the process of photosynthesis - Photosynthesis is one of the longest words in the English language, capable of netting you mega points in scrabble - If you swap the first B of scrabble for an M you get “scramble”, which is probably my favourite type of eggs - Eggs are produced when a chicken mates with a cock - “Cock” is a word that precedes Robin in the word of fictional characters and follows shuttle in the world of badminton - Badminton the place is famous for it’s horse trials - Horse trials are now an Olympic event, a bit like rowing - and rowing is a sport which can only be staged somewhere with a river, as rowing quite obviously has to be done “at the river” - Which links us to Groove Armada and At The River

FLAWS
*Pens and paper are referred to as “stationery” not “stationary”
*Carbon dioxide is used in photosynthesis to make oxygen, not the other way round as stated by Dave
*Rowing is done on lakes too

STUBBSY AND LAWRO ON THE SHOW TOMORROW

Yep, Ray and Mark will be live in the villa tomorrow morning after 8:30 to discuss England’s chances against the Swiss and talk about how they’ve been enjoying the tournament so far working for the BBC. Make sure you tune in to catch the interview, but if you can’t then don’t forget to check back here for the full show review tomorrow night.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Wed June 15th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Tuesday 15th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 15 2004 by MC_]

1. No Doubt - It’s My Life 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Supermen Lovers - Starlight, 3. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 4. N*E*R*D - Maybe, 5. BUZZ OFF - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince - Summertime, 6. The Strokes - Reptilia 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Outkast - Roses, 8. Angel City feat Lara McAllen - Love Me Right, 9. Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song, 10. Nelly Furtado - Forca 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 12. Collapsed Lung - Eat My Goal, 13. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 14. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. David Guetta feat Chris Willis - Just A Little More Love, 16. Blink 182 - Down, 17. D12 - My Band, 18. Spice Girls - Wannabe (Tedious Link), 19. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 20. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 21. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight, 23. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 24. Pharrell Williams feat Jay-Z - Frontin'

The team were all knackered this morning and to make things worse, they had woken up to find the villa infested with flies at 6 o’clock. Engineer Steve was going around swinging newspapers at them (the flies not the team), and he was falling over chairs in the process. Aled was the only one on the team in a decent mood today. Chris was tired, Rach in a grump, Jocelyn shattered and Dave equally sleepy. He was also modelling his new au naturale hair today as he hadn’t had time to do anything with it before the show began. Other show engineer Richard had made everyone a cup of tea to try and liven them up, as the birds were tweeting outside and the sun was shining down brighter than ever. The combination of sunlight and caffeine did seem to perk them up a bit and Chris went outside on the radio mic at 7:15 to describe what he could see. He said there was just one person down on the local beach and just half a dozen fisherman going across the lagoon on their tiny power boats. Dave added that it really is a lovely traditional, idyllic setting that they find themselves in.
Chris - Yeah, you really wouldn’t know where we were. You’d never find us in a million years...bar the fact that there’s a huge massive aerial on the roof and 18 BBC Outside Broadcast Vans here, but still...
(Dave laughs)
Because of the warm weather in Portugal and the generally hot weather over here this morning, Chris chose a real summer anthem to play for Buzz Off today. He chose Summertime by Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince, number 8 back in August 1991. I would have loved this choice normally, but the fact it was overcast and peeing down with rain outside my window meant it didn’t really fit that well. Nevertheless 81% of listeners did Buzz On, with 3 minutes 43 seconds of the song played in full. The order of buzzing was Dave first (2:31), Rach next (2:45) and then the listeners and Aled more or less together as the song faded (3:43). Back here in Britain Dom was feeling chirpy as hell today. He said he spent last night watching the Sweden match in Group C, which we won 5-0. I say “we” cos I have them in the Euro 2004 sweepstake on the messageboard...and I’m sure everyones running scared after that huge scoreline...against erm, Bulgaria. Chris and Dave didn’t see the game last night as they were out enjoying a meal in Lisbon. They went into the city as Chappers was doing live sport into the news on BBC3. While enjoying a meal afterwards (Dave had a cheeky little Brazilian steak based dish with rice and chips, Chris had barbecue pork and chips) the team overheard some Australian woman at another table on her phone. She was obviously a journalist and was saying that she’d just heard Nicky Butt had been injured in training. That news is all over the papers today and Chris claimed that they could have had some exclusive news for Newsbeat if they had actually done something about it and not just sat back and ordered another beer. Regarding this beer, Chris said that hot headed Dave lost the plot with the waiter in a row over the fact that he would only serve it in plastic glasses. Dave said he wasn’t being confrontational, he just thought the guy was bang out of order. Jules asked why as she said she always drinks out of plastic glasses. Chris reminded her that that is for her own personal safety though. On a little side note, Chris said there was a young boy (about 12 or so) playing a squeeze-box in the cafe - with a Chihuahua sitting on top of it. Dom thought it was a nice touch.
Dom - Ahh, it’s always nice to see a Chihuahua
Security bear Paul drove the team back from Lisbon last night, with Chris in the front and Dave, Chappers and Rachel in the back. Rather unfortunately for Rach, both Dave and Chappers fell asleep on the journey - leaving her squashed between them with stereo quality snoring coming in both her ears.
Dave - Do you know that we both technically slept with Rachel last night?
Chappers - It’s a scary thought

Chappers joined the team again after 9 to chat about tonight’s Euro 2004 action. It’s the Czech Republic v Latvia at 5:00 and then Holland v Germany at 7:45, both matches in Group D. Chappers said he expects the Dutch to win comfortably as according to him the Germans are rubbish. I agree but it’s really not a good idea to write them off like this as they always come back to haunt you. Germany - Holland matches always have that extra edge to them because of the hatred since that Rudi Voeller - Frank Rijkaard spitting incident at the 1990 World Cup. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me when I say let’s just hope that football is the winner tonight...and Holland. Chappers also reflected on the news of the injuries to Paul Scholes and Nicky Butt ahead of England’s game against Switzerland on Thursday. Chris has invited Butt out to the villa at the weekend, as they need help in their 5 a side matches with the locals (erm he’s injured Chris). Moyles also made it clear that he wants Dyer and not Hargreaves to start in midfield on Thursday if Scholes is out injured. The reason for this...Dyer looks less like a girl.

PORTUGUESE DROPS, BIG VILLA AND ALED’S FOOTY CHANTS:>>>>
Chris had a load of new drops for the show today, spoken in Portuguese by the Portuguese locals. They were obviously phrases such as “You’re listening to The Chris Moyles Show on Radio One”, blah blah blah etc. American Paul even had recorded a new liner to celebrate the fact:
--- “Chris, Dave, Rachel and Aled....making friends with the people of Portugal”
Aled was the one who went out into the village and recorded the drops, presumably with Rhys’s half cousin Ben acting as his interpreter. Aled said he had made plenty of new friends on his travels in Portugal, which Chris said might have been code for something else. Chris also noted that Aled and Joceyln have been down to the beach quite a bit together, which sounds a bit suspicious. Can someone please find me a pic of this Joceyln? (the new daytime BA). If she’s not on last years staff photo then perhaps Aled or some of my other lovely friends at Radio One Online could provide us with a pic of her? Worth a shot anyway...she sounded fit when she spoke on the air the other week.

With BB Aled seemingly not running this year and Big Blubber finished, the show is severely lacking some kind of loosely based BB feature. Fear not no more though - we now have “Big Villa”. It sounds poor but let’s give it a few days and see how it turns out. It’s basically a daily update on life in the Portuguese villa, with villa mates Chris, Dave, 32 year old Aled, 29 year old Rachel and 42 year old Mark. The strap line is “5 people, 1 tournament, a thousand flies, this is Big Villa”. In episode 1 we learned that Chappers' two luxury items for the villa are his slippers and a pipe, while Chris’s are two separate lots of Marlboro Lights. When Noel Gallagher came in yesterday he signed an official match programme from the France versus England game on Sunday, writing “We wos robbed, best wishes Noel Gallagher”. Chris had it to give away as a prize - to the best texter that said why they should have it in just 10 words or less. Some of the suggestions included “cos I’ll stick it on eBay”, “donate it to me cos I’m a slutty tart”, “cos my girlfriend looks like a King Of Leon”, “because I will be willing to kiss Rachel for it”, “cos I’m blonde with big knockers” and “it’s better than the signed Timmy Mallett one I’ve got”. A hopeful Danny Cowan also text in from Studio 3 saying “cos I’m stuck in a basement playing out your show”. In the end Luke in Colchester won the programme with his text that read “I deserve the programme because I like the Gorillaz”. Not particularly great but topical (read yesterday’s review if you don’t understand what I’m on about).

COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY DAY 3 - ALED GOES SHOPPING:>>>>

Aled left the villa at 7:30 to travel down to the local town centre with Security bear Paul. He had a radio mic and linked up live with Chris at 8:15 for a special edition of Dave’s Easy Portuguesey. Dave said the feature had all been very textbook so far and they now needed to test it in the real world. Aled had to correctly order proper things needed for the villa in Portuguese, by reciting what Dave was telling him in his ear piece. He ordered slices of ham, a loaf of bread and a six pack of beer successfully, despite having a fair bit of trouble negotiating the correct pronunciation of “cerveja”. Chris loved the fact that when Aled was struggling on certain phrases he said them in English with a slight Portuguese slant, e.g “How much is that?” in a funny foreign dialect which sounded like a mixture of French, Welsh and Portuguese. It wasn’t until Chris asked Aled to order him some sherbet dib dabs and get him a Top Of The Pops magazine that the real fun started though. After struggling through trying to find the correct Portuguese translation, it turned out the man on the counter spoke English after all. It was very funny - try and Listen Again to it if you can, it’s roughly an hour and 20 mins in if you click on that link (only available till 10:20 am on Tuesday 22nd of July though).

Chris played Collapsed Lung and Eat My Goal out of the 8:00 news, but had been given a very obscure mix that no one had ever heard before. He decided to chop it, stick on The Black Eyed Peas and then play the correct mix off his Jumpers For Goalposts CD. Aled was doing BV’s to it, prompting Chris to call him the official Welsh England singing mascot for Euro 2004. Chris asked Aled what football chants he actually knew. The answer - not many. Aled decided to improvise and make up some chants of his own, that were absolutely hilarious. Rhys and Rach fell about laughing and Dave and Chris found them equally funny, particularly chant 3 which made him sound like Santa Claus.
ALED CHANT 1 - “Football, Oh! Oh!”
ALED CHANT 2 - “Everyone in a straight line, Hoh!”
ALED CHANT 3 - “Sing When You’re Winning, Ho Ho Ho!”

DAD WARS - DOM V CHAPPERS:

Rachel is cooking tea tonight in the villa. She said her speciality is a roast but it’s too hot for that so she doesn’t know what she’s cooking yet. She said it will be a surprise. Chris said hopefully not a surprise created by sticking a load of random ingredients in a pan and then waiting to see what happens. Dominic thinks he’s having another barbecue for his tea tonight, and (after pressure from Chris) he’s invited his friend and colleague Juliette Ferrington along to it. Jules said that her and Dom were meant to be meeting up for a drink at lunchtime today but Dom has stood her up. He claimed he had to stay and do extra work in the office, despite the fact that Kevin Silverton is now reading the 12:45 Newsbeat instead of him. Byrne said after he’s finished isn’t a good time either as his wife has a hair appointment and he has to get home to look after Finton. Chris asked why she couldn’t take him to the hairdressers with her. Dom said she couldn’t, despite Chappers butting in and saying that his wife Sarah takes their son Ben to all her hair appointments. This sparked off a bit of an argument between Dom and Chappers, who claimed that Dom’s wife Nic clearly has him under the thumb. Dom said he clearly wasn’t under the thumb and Rachel had to step in in the end to become the peacemaker. Chris tried to wind them both up again but failed so then decided to try and finish the link..
**Chris - Anyway, have a lovely barbecue if you have your barbecue Dom
Dom - Thank you very much
Chris - and have fun with your beautiful son
Dom - Thank you very much
Chris (aside) - It’s not even his...(back to his normal voice), and Jules...
(all the team laugh)
Chris - I’m sorry I take that back
Dave - You can’t end like that**

**Chris (to Dom) - Mate I’m not having a go but if you have a tin of beans and fart you don’t know what bean it was do you? So anyway...
(Jules in stitches, Dom laughs too)
Dave - Stop again, stop
Chris (stops Kylie intro) - What?
Dave - It’s meant to be a sensitive family link!!**

**Chris - Jules?
Juliette - Yeah
Chris - I didn’t say anything bad about you in that link at all
Juliette - That’s great
Chris - I know, you must be delighted with that, you crazy drunk!!
(Dom and Dave laugh)**

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
MARK who runs his own PR company in Leeds 2
DAN an electrician from Skegness 1

Daves Tedious Link
Black Grape Reverend Black Grape - One of the members of Black Grape was called Kermit, although he was a rapper not a frog - If you remove the R from “frog” you get fog, which is something you might find on the Tyne - Tyne Daly co starred with Sharon Gless in the popular American series Cagney & Lacey - “Lacey” is a word often associated with doilies - Doilies rhymes with oilies, as in “oily rags” which is cockney rhyming slang for fags - Fags have been banned in all public places in the Republic Of Ireland - The Republic Of Ireland football team are managed by Brian Kerr - Brian Kerr shares the same surname as Jim Kerr, who has a son with Patsy Kensit - Patsy Kensit was the lead singer in the band Eighth Wonder - The greatest band to feature the word “wonder” in their name were The Wonderstuff, who hail from the Black Country - The Black Country is also the home of Slade - Slade’s frontman Noddy Holder has curly hair, as does Mel B - and Mel B first made her name as Scary Spice in a band called the Spice Girls - Which links us predictably to the Spice Girls and Wannabe

CHRIS’S HALF TIME WANDER:
Chris took a trip upstairs during half time today, firstly to hide under Rachel’s bed (don’t ask) and then to investigate the contents of Aled’s room while he was still on his way back from the shop with Paul (and therefore unable to listen). Moyles said the windowsill of Aled’s room resembled the cosmetics counter at Boots. There was moisturiser, Dove Body Cream, FCUK and two tubs of Dove Body Silk. Also in the room were five pairs of shoes and his teddy bear. Chris nicked the teddy, the Body Silk and the Body Cream, much to Aled’s annoyance. He arrived back to find Chris and Dave discussing where to hide them. He then revealed that his teddy bear is called Hilton (cue Dave laughter) cos he got given him as a present at the Hilton Hotel. He also revealed that he does sleep with Hilton at night. Chris said he was no expert but that might be one of the reasons why Aled is single at the moment...harsh but fair.

(Hilton, Aled’s sleeping partner)

MOYLES ON THE ARCHERS:>>>>

Last night was Chris’s big appearance on Radio 4’s The Archers, which he called the highlight of his thespian career so far. Hannah from Cambridge texted in to say he was brilliant. Despite having heard his part in it already, I’m sure many Moyles listeners like myself would have listened to The Archers last night if he’d given us a bit of warning it was on. If you missed it yesterday then it’s possible it’ll be played again on the big Archers Omnibus, which is this Sunday at 10am on Radio 4 (92-95FM).
- For more on Chris’s visit to The Archers click here.
- Listen Again to Chris’s appearance in this weeks Omnibus here till the 27th of June or click here to hear the original shorter Monday show (only available till 21st June though).


> Moyles Live In Portugal - Tues June 15th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Monday 14th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Monday, June 14 2004 by MC_]

1. Blink 182 - Down 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Elvis Vs JXL - A Little Less Conversation, 3. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 4. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 5. BUZZ OFF - Dodgy - Staying Out For The Summer, 6. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now, 8. Kelis - Trick Me, 9. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know 8:00 NEWSBEAT 10. Britney Spears - Toxic, 11. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 12. Oasis - What's The Story (Morning Glory) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 13. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck, 14. Outkast - Roses, 15. Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way, 16. Black Grape - Reverend Black Grape (Tedious Link), 17. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 18. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out 9:30 NEWSBEAT 19. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 20. Mr Reds Vs DJ Scribble - Everybody Come On, 21. Oasis - Up In The Sky

Gutted. That’s the only word to describe how I’m feeling right now. How they won that game is beyond me...and I suspect the rest of England this morning. Chris and Dave were just as down and still in a little bit of shock, but it was their job to lift the nations spirits this morning so they couldn’t let the gloom last for long. Chris wanted to complete the following sentence regarding the French - “If it wasn’t for the English you’d be...”. However, he thought it was best to check with the BBC’s slightly racist department before going any further. Ah sod it, I’d have said it. Chris began rather predictably with a goal montage of Alan Green’s Five Live commentary, over the BBC’s Euro 2004 music (Scene From The Balcony by Craig Armstrong). It had the echo turned up loud and was kind of like re living a bad nightmare. What wasn’t predicted however, was that Chris would have a new jingle singing about last night’s game. I think they must have had three prepared for a draw, England loss and win, but the company who makes them (Music4) suggest on their website that they are recorded overnight by Chris’s jingle singers for the following morning’s show:
NEW JINGLE:>>>
Good morning fans of England, we’re live from our villa,
We watched the football yesterday, it hardly was a thriller,
Got beaten by the French, but it’s only the beginning,
On Thursday we’ll beat Switzerland and England will be singing,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, Live from Portugal, National Radio One
Despite slagging Chris for knocking England recently, I must praise him today. He was right in most of what he said about us playing brilliantly, defending superbly and being rightly proud of ourselves. Dave was a little less upbeat however, saying that there was significant room for improvement on Thursday. I dunno if he was watching the same match as everyone else...I mean we were playing France for f*cks sake. We couldn’t have done much better. Like most of the English press though, it seems Dave expected us to play like Brazil against them. Chris took a picture of the scoreboard after 90 minutes when it read France 0 England 1...then just three minutes later it read 2-1 the other way round..*sighs*. Dom and the returning Juliette (back from her booze cruise) couldn’t bring any positivity to proceedings from London either. Dom watched the match last night with his wife and parents in law, while Jules saw it in the kitchen with her flatmate and a can of Carlsberg...
Chris (sounding shocked) - Wow you didn’t go to the pub?
Jules - I’m detoxing
Dave (laughs) - What with a can of lager?
Despite Dom saying that there was nothing for England to worry about in the Croatia - Switzerland match yesterday, he was still finding it difficult to get over last night’s defeat. He said it was hard but he still wanted to get behind the boys *insert own punchline here*. Chris tried to rally his troops by making Dom and Jules scream “Right!!!” at him after he told them that they were now over last night and looking forward to England beating the Swiss in Coimbra on Thursday. The fact that it took them half a dozen goes to get enough passion into it and for them to say it together kind of tells it’s own story really. Chris even re arranged the music schedule to lift the mood. The original plan was to play Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis after 8 o’clock if England lost, but he said we had to be positive so stuck on Morning Glory instead. I didn’t particularly care cos both are great records. However, Stop Crying Your Heart Out would have felt more appropriate. Buzz Off was also an uplifting summer choice by Moyles today, if a bit self indulgent. It was Staying Out For The Summer by Dodgy (number 19 in June 1995). Everyone left it well alone so it was played in full. Dave said he’d forgotten how great that record was. Aled thought it was the Rembrandts. Again, that tells it’s own story.

Mark “Chappers” Chapman joined proceedings after half 8 to talk about the game last night. Before we get onto that, we found out today that his real name is actually Andrew Mark Chapman, but he’s always been called by his middle name. Dave’s middle name is Lloyd (as we know) and Chris also revealed that his mum nearly named him Rory Moyles, which obviously would have got him beaten up as a kid. No offence to any young Rory’s reading out there obviously. Chappers didn’t blame Heskey, Gerrard or James for that nightmare three minutes of injury time, instead he pointed an accusing finger at Sven’s substitutions, which he thought handed France the initiative. He praised the defence and Ian Walker’s fancy tricks (which he did on the pitch after the final whistle), but said that a large portion of credit has to go to Zidane. Chris and Mark both agreed the free kick was absolute genius. Dave insisted he did see it, but admittedly not from his original seat. He saw it from the top of the aisle as he’d nipped off for a quick pee and hotdog but couldn’t get back down to his seat in time. With morale so low and a national sense of deflation in England today, Chappers praised Chris’s motivational Moyles therapy (i.e “Right!!”). Chris said it wasn’t just him, security bear Paul had tried to get everyone jogging through the streets of Lisbon on their way back to the car last night. He saw it as a way of lifting the spirits, but Chris said he looked like some sort of mad army platoon when he did it. Moyles also moaned about the farce that was trying to get into the stadium in Lisbon last night. It’s right by a motorway and Dave said at one point there must have been 10,000 people walking up the hard shoulder and then crossing over the motorway, just to try and take a shortcut to the ground. He said it was so dangerous. Chris also revealed that after the team did a 45 minute circular journey to try and get into the stadium, they arrived back where they started to find the barriers lifted and police welcoming them in, when just an hour ago they’d been turning them away. On the positive side of things from last night, Chris noted very little fake burberry amongst the England supporters...which is always a bonus.

POSH AND MOYLES:
Not two words often associated together but on this occasion they are. Yep, Chris had a Guess Who from last night’s football (hmm...I wonder who that could be *strokes chin*). Dom and Jules made an almighty meal of guessing that yes it was Victoria Beckham, with Dom’s excuse for this being that he had Jane McDonald from The Cruise in his mind for some reason. Best not to go any further down that line methinks. Chris said that Vicky was sat with all the other wags (wives and girlfriend’s) nearby, and spotted him as he went to go to his seat just before kick off.
Chris - I don’t know how she spotted me. (pause). Well at the time I was stood in the aisle going VICTORIA!! VICTORIA!! VICTORIA!!...(Dom and Jules laugh) (Chris in his normal voice)..Hiya you alright? You saw me?
(Dom and Jules laugh)
Chris (pretending he was talking to Victoria) - Yeah ok fine. No it’s great to see..(pause) Chris?...Right, no it’s erm good to see you (pause)...Moyles? (Dom laughs)...yeah right (pause)..I’m a DJ?...interviewed you? Ok good yeah yeah yeah
(Dom and Jules laugh)
As they chatted briefly, all the pepperami started taking pics in their direction. Chris said he knew he was with Chappers, but his and Dave’s new show has only been going a few weeks and he thought the press frenzy was a bit extreme. Then the penny dropped. Chris said the photographers were actually so busy snapping Posh that they missed the two teams coming out of the tunnel. Jules asked Chris if he’d talked to Vicky about those Real Madrid tickets that she promised him back in January. He said no, but said he might talk to her about it when they meet up for a very cosmopolitan and sophisticated Lisbon lunch later...or maybe not. Dom told Chris about the pics of Vicky in today’s papers, showing her in her backless Dolce & Gabbana designer dress with her fancy handbag. Chris said that they weren’t hers though - she just borrowed them from Aled before the game.

(Aled and Chris in the villa)

COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY - DAY 2:>>>>

Despite having been in Portugal for less than four days, Dave feels that he is becoming more and more fluent in Portuguese as every day goes by, thanks to his little phrase book. The only problem is that he hasn’t really put any of his new knowledge to practical use yet. Take lunch the other day for example, when Vitty did the international hand signal for same again (circling the beer and pointing) rather than using the opportunity to show off his new found knowledge. Today Easy Portuguesey was all based on the subject of camping and campsites, again not brilliant if you want to put it to practical use. Dave went through each phrase phonetically, rolling his R’s and getting laughs from the assembled crowd at his pronunciation. Today’s phrases in English then:
- Is there a campsite near here?
- Do you have space for a tent?
- Are there cooking facilities on site?
- Where are the showers?
Chris said he was now fully confident if the villa crumbled and the team needed to go to a campsite to stay. He also informed Dave that tomorrows phrases need to be more for the day to day traveller, and not on the subject of Sailing Clubs as he revealed he had planned. Dominic asked if Chris or Dave had made contact with Mafalda yet at her hotel in Lisbon. Dave didn’t actually know that she lived in Portugal and sounded surprised, which means he has surely been missing the point of the whole Portuguese phrase feature this past month or so.

CHART RECAP WITH WES:>>>>
Young Buttersby is in the Scott Mills camp when it comes to football, a self confessed non-footy fan. He didn’t even watch the game last night, despite making it clear that it wasn’t like he didn’t want them to win. In fact he said he was right behind the boys (so to speak). Actually thinking about it, maybe this was Scott Mills putting on his best Wes impression. Chris quite rightly told Wes that it was his duty to watch the games as an Englishman, and he rather unwillingly agreed to watching the England - Switzerland game on Thursday. New entries in the chart this week include Linkin Park (in with a bullet at number 39) and Mark Owen, in with his new single Makin' Out at a slightly more respectable number 30. Mario Winans stays at the top spot for week number 2, with the highest new entry coming in at number 2 - Come On England by 4-4-2. Basically it’s a novelty anthem to the tune of Come On Eileen, recorded on a low budget (you can tell) and then adopted by Talksport as their official Euro 2004 Get behind England tune. Chris revealed that a few months back him and Dave had been asked to get involved in this particular project. They were asked to sing on it and write half the lyrics too. Chris said Radio 1 had been understandably delighted with the news (great publicity), that was until they found out that the tune wasn’t a charity record though. I wouldn’t have thought that would have mattered with Chris and Dave both being freelance, but Radio 1 management banned the pair of them from taking part as “Chris and Dave’s drinking fund” wasn’t seen as an acceptable charity.
Chris - So apparently if you’re a Radio 1 DJ you’re not allowed to get involved in an England record unless it’s for charity. Anyway congratulations to DJ Spoony and his version of The Farm’s Altogether Now...
(Dave and Wes laugh)
Other stuff today from Moyles today included him playing a remix of that 411 record featuring a hilarious rap from the aforementioned Spoony, him mistakenly announcing that Wimbledon starts today when it is in fact a week today, and him thanking Rachel for the lovely pasta salad she made to go with Saturday night’s barbecue in the villa.

NOEL GALLAGHER ON THE SHOW:

As a huge Oasis fan I may be slightly biased, but every time Noel is on the show I always think he’s brilliant. He was live from the villa between 9 and 10 o’clock this morning - without a doubt the best guest Chris has had on the breakfast show so far this year (off the top of my head anyway). Noel was feeling and sounding very well considering the time of day and last night’s result. He did go to the game, but by the sounds of it not with Chris and co. Noel said that he too did have problems getting into the stadium, but only because his coach was surrounded by a load of pie eating skin heads (nicely put I thought). Noel also talked a hell of a lot of sense regarding the match, much more so than Dave and to a lesser extent Chris. He thought we should put it all into perspective and remember that we were playing France (i.e the best team in the tournament) last night after all. He said it was a shame England lost cos we probably won’t play as well as that again in the whole competition. Noel thought that the result was simply a bit of a knock to team morale and added that we’re only one point down on realistically the best we could have hoped for so far. He said the penalty was a great save by Barthez and not a bad miss by Beckham, he said Stevie Gerrard will never play another pass like that again in his entire career (i.e the backpass), and also said that David James will never make such a rash decision ever again in his entire career. He was of the opinion that if he’d gone with his hands and not his feet, a penalty wouldn’t have been given. It was against Thierry Henry who’s probably the quickest player in the world so I’m still not 100 per cent sure about that one. Noel said the atmosphere was breathtaking in the stadium and he fully expects us to beat Switzerland and Croatia to progress to the quarter finals. Frankly if we don’t beat those two then we don’t deserve to get to the quarter finals, let’s be honest. He also praised old Lesley King (I’ve done it on purpose) and understood Eriksson’s thinking in bringing on Heskey to hold the ball up, although Dave (as a toffee) argued that Rooney should have stayed on and Nicky Butt come on as a sub if Sven wanted to hold what he had. Chris joined in the conversation for a second to say that Heskey must have some pictures of Sven and Ulrika, otherwise there’s no way he’d be in the squad. Noel also singled out Zidane for special praise because he is the best player in the world for those exact reasons - he can score brilliant free kicks and put away penalties in the pressure situations. Chris and Noel both said that they saw absolutely no trouble last night regarding England fans, except for this irritating drunk sat in front of them who they saw later by the side of the road, nearly getting run over by a coach. What annoyed Noel most outside the ground was the fact that every other person seemed to be saying “to be fair he is the best player in the world” or “to be fair they were the better team”. Noel said there was no need to be fair. Dave also wondered why nearly every other England fan there last night was a brummie. Noel said they must have let them out of the asylum for the day or something. Cue a quick change of subject from Chris...

Noel admitted that he didn’t know Chris had been moved to Breakfast, saying that he agreed to come on the show when he saw Chris at the Travis gig, mistakenly thinking that it would be at 4 o’clock in the afternoon (like when he was on the show during Euro 2000). Noel said he therefore hasn’t heard any of the morning shows so far, and added that the only person he gets up to listen to at that time of the day is his daughter.
Noel - Are you any good?
Chris - Yeah, brilliant
Noel - Have you come on?
Chris (pause) - Nah but I’m very excited to be here
(Noel, Dave and the assembled villa posse laugh)
Noel is flying back home tonight as the band have rehearsals tomorrow for Glastonbury, which they’ll play a week on Friday @ 11pm (on the pyramid stage). It’ll be their third Glasto appearance and first performance there for 9 years. Noel said their first Glastonbury set in 1994 was widely regarded as legendary, although their second there a year later was admittedly a bit flat. With the new album still a good six or seven months away, Noel said the band (now with Ringo Starr’s son Zac on drums) were not originally planning to play any new material. However, they were 30 mins under when they timed their last rehearsal so Noel said they’ll now be playing two new songs - with him filling the spare time by rambling etc. Chris said he can’t wait to see him and Liam splitting the audience down the middle and seeing which side can shout the loudest (a very funny image indeed). Chris asked Noel how Liam was. This may shock you, but apparently he’s in a bad mood today. Reason being, he’s lost his luggage on a flight back from his holidays in Spain. Noel said no doubt he had brought back half the Spanish garment industry, and said now there’d be one very confused Spanish baggage handler with a big furry parker and pair of sunglasses on. Noel compared what Liam wears to David James' decision making - both good if they have no time to think about it. Chris said he’d love to see Liam in goal, and added that everyone would probably be too scared of him to shoot. Noel said that he’d probably just go and get his minder to tackle them (he did a very funny impression of what this would sound like). Noel was enjoying the Yorkshire teabags he’d found in the villa, and said he always has two in every cuppa. Chris said they were given to him for the trip by his girlfriend Sophie, as well as an aloha ash tray (note the impressive alliteration there...thanks).


MORE NOEL STUFF:>>>
Other stuff included Noel slagging off Keane and calling them rubbish, him telling Chris and Dave never to admit they played Wembley Arena and the Kentish Town Forum with the Barenaked Ladies ever again, and him revealing that he’s collaborated on Ian Brown’s new album, which is due out in September. He also slagged off Ryan Adams for releasing his cover of Wonderwall *ker-ching*, despite saying that he actually likes the version. Chris and Dave told him they didn’t like it, and said they preferred the Mike Flowers Pops version cos it took the piss. Noel came up with a genius idea for a German cover of Wonderwall called Berlin Wall (y’see what he did there). Chris told Noel that everyone was listening to Definitely Maybe in the car on the way back from last night’s match. Noel obviously agreed with Chris that it’s a great album with not one duff track on it. That sounds really arrogant but of course he’s absolutely right. Noel revealed that the new 10 track album will be out at the start of next year and it’s working title so far is “Songs For My Snicket”. Chris and Dave came up with a couple of album title suggestions for him if he wanted them - “Deckchairs and Science” and “Curtains and Clocks”. Both are awful and Noel told Chris so. He also told a funny story from last night about some Portuguese fella who came over and asked him when the new album would be out. He said that he was a big fan blah, blah, blah. When Noel told him it would be out around the start of the new year, the bloke replied...”Will it be with the band or with the Gorillaz?” (cue much hilarity).
Noel - To which I replied, “well there’ll be a monkey singing the songs”
Chris & Dave - Wahey!!!
Noel said he would have decked him one if the police hadn’t been nearby.

On the 6th of September a 10 year Definitely Maybe anniversary documentary is coming out on DVD, and Chris has his promotional copy already (although he’s yet to watch it). Noel said the funniest part of the DVD is the Liam interview. That’s because he was in an awful mood that day and looked like someone has just knifed his children. Noel told Chris that the doc was done by some random guy called Dick Carruthers...
Chris - No but Dick’s been doing you guys for years...if you pardon the expression
(Dave and Noel laugh)
Chris asked Noel to pick a track from Definitely Maybe that they could end the show with. He obviously went for Married With Children, the one with all the swearing in. Rachel said no he’d have to pick another, but exec Rhys overruled her and said he could play it. Just as Chris was about to, Noel changed his mind to request Up In The Sky (much to Rachel’s delight). Noel also requested Ch-Check It Out by The Beastie Boys earlier in the show for his tall, Scottish missus (Sara MacDonald). Chris talked about when him and Dave met her at their recent gig in Watford, and asked Noel if she’d be listening this morning.
Noel - Yeah she will. She’s a massive, massive, massive fan
Dave - ...of the Beastie Boys
Chris - Shut up Dave
(Noel laughs)


NO CONTINENTAL CARPARK CATCHPHRASE TODAY
With Noel on, Continental Carpark Catchphrase was obviously cancelled this morning. It should be back tomorrow after half nine though, with (as ever) Roy Walker and the one and only Mr Fish.

Daves Tedious Link
N-Trance Set You Free - N-Trance were also the band responsible for the 1995 cover of Stayin' Alive, which featured the vocal talents of Ricardo Da Force - If you remove the “Da Force” bit of Ricardo Da Force you’re left with Ricardo, the Brazilian heshe who achieved fame on The Salon and looks a bit like Louise Redknapp on steroids - If you add an A to the front of steroids you get asteroids, which can be a hazard to those navigating through space - Space shares many of the same letters as the word “spice” - The plural of spice is spices, which are kept in a rack - “Rack” is a word associated with lamb, as is shank - Shank rhymes with Hank, as in Hank Marvin who is “in The Shadows” - In The Shadows was a recent hit for The Rasmus, who I think are from Finland - Finland gets very cold and is an ideal habitat for reindeers - The word “reindeers” begins with the letter R, as does Romania, raccoon and Rhyl in North Wales - and it was in Rhyl many years ago that we first met Shaun Ryder, former leader of The Happy Mondays and the brief but brilliant Black Grape - Which links us to Black Grape and Reverend Black Grape

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Monday June 14th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Chappers & Dave Show #5 - Sat 12th June 04 (MC) [Posted Saturday, June 12 2004 by MC_]

LIVE FROM PORTUGAL (Review from 1:50-3pm only as I missed the first 50 mins)



From 1:50pm onwards - 1. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 2. The Strokes - Reptilia, 3. Jurgen Vries feat Andrea Britton - Take My Hand, 4. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 5. Blur - Song 2, 6. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 7. Modjo - Lady (Hear Me Tonight) (Sporting Number One), 8. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 9. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 10. 50 Cent - If I Can’t 2:30 NEWSBEAT 11. ODB feat Kelis - Got Your Money, 12. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 13. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 14. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 15. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move, 16. Faithless - Mass Destruction

I’ll apologise straight away then. I only heard just over half of this weeks show as I was busy writing up a Moyles review from last week when it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t stuck a tape in to record Chappers and Dave. Therefore, if there is anything of significance that I missed and you think it should be included in this review, then please drop me an e-mail and let me know. I’ll then edit the review and unless you don’t want me to, give you a mention as well. When I did eventually join proceedings at roughly 1:50pm, Dave and Chappers were in the middle of a live link up with Newsbeat’s Jack Baine in Lisbon, who was interviewing a few England fans in the city centre. It’s there that he’ll be watching the game on Sunday night, on the giant screen being put up for fans without tickets. Jack is predicting a 1-0 win for England while Dave and Mark are both going for a 1-1 draw. They said it’s the first thing they’ve agreed on since arriving in Portugal. One rather optimistic England fan is going for us to thrash the French 6-0 tomorrow. I’ll have a bit of whatever he’s on please. I do think we’ll win though - I’m going for a 2-1. On a little Jack Baine sidenote, Chappers said that they dropped him off at his hotel in Lisbon last night, which is in the middle of the red light district. Dave said it didn’t half look rough round there, which I’m sure made Jack’s family feel even more at ease if they were listening. Today is of course the opening day of Euro 2004, it’s Portugal v Greece in Porto and Spain v Russia at Faro-Loule. Spain and Russia are Dave and Chappers respective teams in the big Euro 2004 sweepstake, so both are going head to head (as it were) tonight at the villa. They are having a bonus tenner bet on it, with a win for the Spanish meaning Chappers can’t mention Dave’s snoring again for the whole of their three week stay. The only other real bit of Euro 2004 chat today was an e-mail asking for the title of the classical music being used on the BBC’s current Euro 2004 advertising campaign, where all the players turn into artists. It’s Craig Armstrong’s Balcony Scene from Romeo and Juliet, which Dave thinks is the music his wife Emma wanted to get married to when they walked down the aisle last year. Instead though they had the Everton walk on music - the theme tune to Z Cars. Well the similarities between the two pieces are there for all to see...hmm. Today incidentally is Mrs Chappers birthday. That’s Mark’s wife Sarah in other words, although he wouldn’t give her age out over the air.

As the show was coming live from Portugal today, the one and only Rachel Jones was filling Neil’s shoes as producer. At one point she held back Chappers from beginning a link as she was sneezing frantically in a hayfever fit off the air. Believe me I know the feeling *sneezes*. Damn you pollen count. Dave is happy that the weather out there is improving steadily now, and he thinks he’s beginning to fit seamlessly into the Portuguese culture, just like a native. Chappers said in that case, why has he had steak and chips, pizza and then grilled beef kebabs for his three meals over there so far. He even asked for ketchup to go with his kebabs as well. Ah, the traditional British tourist (although technically I suppose he's Hong Kongese). Dave claimed his kebabs were just a bit on the dry side and said they were “crying out for ketchup”. His belief that he was tasting authentic Portuguese cuisine was only boosted by a text from Andy, who works for Heinz. He said they get most of their tomatoes from Portugal, leading Dave to believe he had sampled bonafide Portuguese ketchup last night. Chappers also wasn’t one to talk, he had omelette and chips last night. He argued that it was only because he arrived an hour later than everyone else and wanted something that would cook quickly - not like Rachel’s bungalow sized turbot.




THIS WEEKS FEATURES:>>>
Today’s Sporting Number One was chosen by Zoe, a flanker in the Welsh Womens Ruby Academy, who was training with her teammates at a gym in Cardiff when she was called up to speak to Dave and Mark about her choice. It surprisingly wasn’t a rugby moment - it was that historic night in September 2000 when Sir Steve Redgrave clinched his fifth successive Olympic Gold in the rowing at the Sydney Olympics. Zoe recalled the hysteria in her student flat at the time and both Chappers and Dave said they got goosebumps from just listening back to Alan Green’s commentary of the race, which was played just before the number one single at that time - Lady (Hear Me Tonight) by Modjo. Up for grabs this week on 3 And In was a pair of tickets to the last day of the Stella Artois tennis championships at Queens tomorrow, allowing entry to both the mens singles and doubles finals, plus an exhibition match between Boris Becker and Henri Leconte (he’s that eccentric old geezer). Paul, a self employed electrician from Stafford beat Lizzie from Hampshire to claim the prize. I was pleased for him cos he came across as a really nice fella and said that it was the first time he’d ever won anything in his life. There is gonna be a brand new competition on the show next week called “Portugoal Of The Month”, more details will follow in due course. The prize we know already though - it’ll essentially be a golden pass allowing the winner free entry and backstage access to all of Radio 1’s Summer Events in 2004. Chappers plugged this competition up to the vocals of Jet’s Are You Gonna Be My Girl, then hit the fader down by accident and kept his mic on - instead of the other way round. Technically it was a shambles. Rachel had her head in her hands at this point and Dave called it “rubbish”. A text came in from Jen saying that she finds it hilarious when they make mistakes like this though. Chappers therefore claimed he had done it on purpose for pure entertainment value, but Dave said it was really because Mr Chapman has yet to fully master the new international desk system they are using at the villa. After 2:30 today, Chappers did work the desk right and played the new single by Shaznay out of All Saints - it’s called Never Felt Like This Before. Both him and Dave were loving it and apparently it was Scott Mills' record of the week last week. It’s gonna be a grower for me I think cos it didn’t do much on first listen.


NEWS TEASER:>>>>
1. Which Radio 1 DJ was nearly knocked over by a slow moving Citroen last night?
A. Chris Moyles


> Live From Portugal - Chappers and Dave Show 12th June - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday 11th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Friday, June 11 2004 by MC_]

1. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out, 2. Milk & Sugar - Let The Sunshine In, 3. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 4. Outkast - Roses, 5. BUZZ OFF - New Order - Regret, 6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Junior Senior - Move Your Feet, 8. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 9. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 10. Coldplay - Clocks 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 12. Ultrabeat - Pretty Green Eyes, 13. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out, 14. N*E*R*D - Maybe 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Jason Nevins feat Holly James - I’m In Heaven, 16. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 17. Oasis - Roll With It, 18. Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body, 19. N-Trance - Set You Free (Tedious Link), 20. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 21. The 5,6,7,8’s - Woo Hoo, 22. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 23. Kanye West feat Syleena Johnson - All Falls Down 9:30 NEWSBEAT 24. Roger Sanchez - Another Chance, 25. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 26. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded

I know a few people disagreed with me on the messageboard when I said that I thought today’s show was the best of the year so far, but absolutely no one could deny that it was a fantastic listen from start to finish. Chris, Dave, Rachel and Aled had all flown out to join the rest of the Radio 1 crew on site at their Portuguese villa, which is situated in a quiet, little village about an hour north of Lisbon. The huge amount of people in the villa today meant a little mini audience for every link of the show. Thankfully it wasn’t quite “oh let’s laugh at everything Chris says”, but that is my main concern for what might happen over the next three weeks. Here‘s a full list of everyone who was in the villa this morning - Chris, Dave, Rachel and Aled (of course), Chappers, Jocelyn, engineers Richard and Steve, Tania, Aled’s mate Paul from security, Miles, Rhys (who’s the big boss of the whole trip), the six competition winners Dan, Mal, Derek, Paul, Tracy and Andy...plus three very irritating flies that were buzzing around and just generally annoying everyone. The whole sound of the show has been given a bit of a continental edge for the trip too. Plinky, plinky stereotypical hispanic guitars have been added on top of the show’s main bed, and Chris’s jingle singers are now announcing that the show is “live from Portugal” at every possible occasion. American Paul Turner has also done a new voiceover session for the show, with the following new liners played today:
- “The Chris Moyles Show Live From Portugal...it’s work not a holiday!!”
- “Chris, Dave, Rachel and Aled...now officially 100% continental”
- “Sun, fun, football and oven chips...it’s The Chris Moyles Show Live From Portugal”
- “The Chris Moyles Show Live From Portugal...lying back and thinking of England”
Chris began with a complaint (surprise surprise) - this time a totally unnecessary and over the top rant about Nemone’s backtiming. He said that for him to be on the air from the middle of nowhere hundreds of miles away was a technical miracle - tons of BBC equipment had been shipped, along with CD’s, wires, cables, computer systems, digital clocks and masking tape to hold it all down. On the other hand, all her and her production staff had to do was backtime a record to exactly 6:55 (not 24 seconds under) and yet they still couldn’t do it. Dave said it was a warm and friendly start to the morning. He said he found their location rather bizarre and surreal, although he agreed that the pool was great and that the view overlooking the lagoon and hilltops was absolutely beautiful. Despite having been there for less than 24 hours, Chris said that they’ve been annoying their neighbours in the next door villa already. Rhys visited them yesterday (they’re an elderly couple) and explained why there would be the odd bit of noise coming from next door early each morning. Chris said that would just be their gay engineer Steve blasting out Gloria Gaynor at half five though, to “check the levels”. Steve isn’t actually gay btw, Chris just likes to wind him up by calling him “love” and “dear”...a bit like David Garrido really. Their flight yesterday may have been seamless and their setting today perfect, but Chris said that one thing was actually not going to plan at all...the weather. It was grey, overcast and raining lightly where they were. This may give us back here great satisfaction, but it provided none whatsoever for Chris, Dave and Chappers. All three of them had put shorts and t-shirts on before they came downstairs to prep for the show at around 6, mistakenly thinking it would be a scorcher outside. Ha ha, how wrong they were. Dominic (who was a star today) quite rightly rubbed in the fact that it was all blue skies back here. This resulted in a couple of fantastic “temperature play offs” at 7 and 9:30, where Chris and Dom both tried to beat each other by shouting out ever increasing numbers of degrees celsius. At one point Dom impersonated Rod McKenzie, who was supposedly telling him from the back of the studio that he’d got a temperature wrong. Dom said in hindsight it probably wasn’t such a good idea to mimic his boss on the air.
Chris - It was nice working with you
Dom - Yeah I enjoyed it too (Moyles plays jingle)

If you’re wondering why Chappers had got up so early alongside Chris and Dave, it because he was reading the sport today. This isn’t a regular Portugal thing he’ll be doing on Breakfast, he was just covering for Juliette who had a day off. Chris tried to make Dom paranoid by pretending that Jules was with them in the villa. His impressions of her were crap but he said that she was just sounding a bit different cos of the free wine being handed out at the airport baggage carousels yesterday.

STEAK AND CHIPS, SNORING AND NEW ORDER:
After arriving in Portugal yesterday afternoon, the whole team (roughly 25 of them in total - including Newsbeat reporters etc) went out for a meal in the local village. Like most Portuguese restaurants it specialised in fish and offered an extensive list of different seafood...and steak and chips. This was the only non-fish based item on the menu and had also been spelt incorrectly - it read “steack and chips”. Out of roughly 25 meals ordered, Dave said that there was about 18 portions of steak and chips (including his and Chris’s). Dom said that that was shocking...
Dom - It’s always nice to see a sampling of a local dish
Dave - mmm (pig squeal laugh)
After heading back to the villa, Dave felt completely drained by the long day and all the travelling so went straight off to bed. He said he slept like a log straight through to 6 this morning and was fresh and ready to go rock the nations. Chappers on the other hand sounded knackered, and he said there was a very good reason for that - the aforementioned Mr Vitty.
Chappers - I’d rather have shared a room with a pneumatic drill!!
Mark said Dave snored ALL night long...in every single position he lay - on his back, on his front and on his shoulders. He said he kept rolling Dave over but he still wouldn’t shut up snoring. As a result he’d had virtually no sleep at all. Chris was feeling smug cos he had warned Chappers about this last night. Dave wasn’t happy with the criticism though, and (sounding dead scouse) he told Mark to sod off to the other villa if he didn’t like it. Handbags at dawn, quite liderally.

A text came in saying that they didn’t believe Chris was actually in Portugal. They wanted him to prove it in some way or other. Chris switched on the outdoor atmosphere microphone by the pool and made his way to it in the light rain as Dave filled rather unsuccessfully. The mic picked up the sound of tweeting birds, the big generator and (as Chris splashed the water) the villa’s luxury swimming pool. Undeniably Portugal then eh? Chris said that no doubt that texter would actually think the sound of the splash was coming from a bucket. He said that times are tough with the bad weather they’ve been having - no one’s been able to go for a swim yet. Oh my heart bleeds. All the chat about the swimming pool led to Chris coming up with the idea of putting everyone’s name into a hat and then drawing out a name at random after half nine each day. The deal is that this person then gets chucked in the pool just before the end of the show @ 10. It didn’t happen today but when it starts next week Chris said that they’ll obviously fix it so that it’s Aled who’s chucked in. The Welsh one protested, saying that he was allergic to chlorine and couldn’t swim or summat. He’s definitely bluffing, chuck him in there Chris, he’ll be fine *cough*. Buzz Off today was quite fantastic - New Order and Regret from April 93. Dave called it a classic, Rhys was feeling it and it got a big thumbs up too from Mr Chappers...Aled though didn’t have a clue what it was (he said he had heard it though). He was first to buzz in on 2:08, Dave was next on 3:37 and Rach third on 3:38. 78% said Buzz On so Chris played it in full to the end. He said it came from within his big bag of Buzz Off CD’s, which he was nearly forced to pay excess baggage for at the airport yesterday. He didn’t in the end though as Rachel sweet talked the guy at the check in and sorted it all out. After berating Aled for not knowing the New Order track, Chris tried to spook him by telling him there’s a graveyard with four serial killers buried directly underneath his room at the villa. Aled said he wasn’t so sure after seeing a zombie walking last night. Dave said there was no need to worry as that was just him - he was going to the bog and had got lost on the landing.

CHRIS TOURS THE VILLA:

This was probably the funniest part of today’s show - Chris got on the radio mic and took us outside and upstairs for a mini tour of the outside and inside of the villa. He visited Aled’s room first, which was situated next door to the room where they’ve stuck the loud humming VCS machine. Not a coincidence methinks. Chris said Aled had a teddy on his bed (Dave found this hilarious), a fan, his three phones out (three phones Jones) and a bunch of mancy, unfolded clothes in his wardrobe.
Chris - Let’s just peel the bedsheets back...yep, jazz mags
(Dave and crew in studio downstairs in hysterics)
Chris - I tell you what Dave, they must be Portuguese because they look completely opposite to the jazz mags you and I know
Dave - Yeah, go into the other room now
Chris - She looks very butch
Next was Rachel’s room. Chris looked at what books she’s reading at the moment - “Notes From A Small Island” by Bill Bryson and “How To Produce National Radio Shows” by Rick Baxhill (a slightly in joke that one). Dave and Chappers are sharing a room as you may have gathered from the snoring story. Chris put on his Lloyd Grossman voice and asked who’d live in a room like this - with Lynx Revitalising Shower Gel, Lynx Dry Deodorant and Complete Moisture Plus.
Dave - Hello (all laugh)
Dave’s Complete Moisture Plus is his contact lense solution btw. Also on view in the room was Mark’s big hat, Dave’s two black short sleeved shirts, his Everton shirt and his two England shirts - plus his England towels with the flag of St George on them.
Chris - And what’s this here? Let me have a look...I believe it belongs to Chappers
(switches on - it makes buzzing sound)
Chris - Oh you filthy devil!!!
(raucous laughter from everyone)
That was actually Dave’s razor by the way - Dave said he could recognise the sound of it from downstairs. Finally Chris went to his own room to pick up his new pair of Prada sandals, that retail in the shops at just £135 kids. Chris put them on for the first time and said that he could feel the quality. Dave was disgusted with him and asked if he’d gone mad. Chris said he’d simply treated himself, reminding Dave that he earns far more than him and is ridiculously rich.
Dave - But no one spends that sort of money on glorified flip flops!!!
Dave also added that Chris’s feet were horrible, which backfired as Rhys backed up Chris (so to speak) by saying that Dave had awful hobbit feet.
Dave - I don’t even know what hobbit feet are!!
Chris - Well look down at the floor where you are!!! (Dave laughs and hits N*E*R*D vocal)

DES, DANNY COWAN AND EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>
Notoriously bad flyer Chris found yesterday’s flight fine, although Aled thought it was a bit wobbly. Chris said there is less turbulence at the front of the plane mind you. Yep Mr *I’m still Chris from the block* Moyles had been upgraded into the executive seats as he got on board the plane, leaving Dave, Chappers, Aled and the rest of the other Radio 1 clowns to sit at the back by the toilets in cattle class. Aled had actually been offered an upgrade too but turned it down as he had thought of the other members of the team (unlike Chris). No that’s not true actually. Chris had thought of the other members of the team...but took the upgrade anyway. We should be glad he did cos it was up in the posh seats that Chris bumped into a few other celebrities flying out to Portugal - namely Zoe Ball, Norman Cook, Peter Reid and the only and only...Mr Des Lynam!!! Dom played Guess Who and was understandably impressed. Chris said that after meeting Des, he now has to get the jingle remade about all the stars he’s met, cos the pay off is that he’s never met Des Lynam. He told Des he’d change it to “and now he’s met Des Lynam”, who said he’d record him a line for it saying something like “and he has you know”. A great story made even better by the fact that smooth Des even went against his reputation and helped a struggling old lady off the little bus that takes you from the plane to the terminal building at the airport. His exact words were “Do you need a bit of help there my darlin’?”. Chris said he couldn’t believe he’d witnessed it with his own eyes.

The show was running smoothly enough until 7:30, when Danny Cowan mucked up the One Road Travel buttons in London. He’s the northern Irish fella who drives the desk when Chris and co are on OB’s. Chris made him open his mic, and then told him he was letting the side down. He explained that Danny had played the dry One Road Travel beds and not the ones with voiceover from American Paul on. He soon found the correct ones after some direction from Chris and got back into his good books immediately by saying the now legendary “stick it out”. Dom played a clip in the news of the topless mud wrestling going on in the Big Brother house last night. He back announced it fantastically...
Dom - (clip ends) The sound on Radio 1 of topless mud wrestling
(hits sport bed and Chappers laughs before he starts reading)
This idea has been explored on a regular basis with Dom and Mafalda recently, but it is now becoming a daily feature in Portugal with Mr Comedy Dave. The new feature is called “Easy Portuguesy” and Dave will act as Chris’s instructor, helping him to eliminate communication difficulties and overcome and master the beautiful, intricate language that is Portuguese. In other words look in his handbook and teach him a few phrases. Chris was fine with that, but just doubted that Dave from Hong Kong (via Warrington) would be a better Portuguese teacher than Rhys’s half cousin Ben who lives in Portugal and speaks the language fluently. Dave glossed over this and started off with three basic phrases for Chris today: “Do you speak English?”, “I don’t speak much Portuguese” and “Could you speak more slowly?”. As much as Chris said he enjoyed learning them, he found them slightly stupid as you wouldn’t say to someone both “Could you speak more slowly?” and “I don’t speak much Portuguese” in the same conversation. There’d just be no point. American Paul voiced the new jingles for Easy Portuguesy, which will return on Monday.


COMPETITION WINNERS, SPRINKLED SPEAKERS AND FOOTY CHAT:>>>>
Chris got on the radio mic and took a trip next door to catch up with competition winners Dan, Derek and Tracy and their three freeloading friends. Dan seems a tad dull and Derek is a natural on the radio (smell the irony) so Chris therefore moved swiftly onto talking to foxy Tracy, who’s boyfriend is in Sydney. She therefore has brought her travelling companion Andy Brown with her to Portugal...
Chris - Tracy by the way has brought her “travelling companion”..(laughter)..so let’s not beat about the bush then Tracy, do you have sex with him?
Tracy - No
(Collective laughter - Aled’s security mate Paul in hysterics)
Chris (laughing) - I’m only joking obviously, that was a joke
(Paul carries on laughing)
Chris - So your travelling partner, is he...is he...? (pause) You two are sharing a room but you don’t see him as a threat in any way?
Tracy - Oh no
Chris - Yep Aled, I think you’re right. He probably is (cue huge laughter)
What made this moment even funnier was the fact that the guy in question (Andy) came back at Chris with the weakest punch ever.

Aled ran downstairs about midnight last night to inform everyone that the sprinklers were going off in the garden and showering the two £2,500 speakers and atmos mics out there. Gay engineer Steve responded by opening up another can of lager while Richard went outside to check the damage. He came back saying that there had been a bit of a sprinker - speaker disaster, but said there was no need to worry as “they’re designed for this type of abuse”. Chris said he didn’t know you could now get fancy waterproof speakers. Yesterday the incredibly stupid decision was made by the Football League to rebrand for next season, which now means that instead of Divison One, Two and Three we’ll have “The Football League Championship”, “Football League One” and “Football League Two”. It may sound better for Chris and me (I now support a team in League Two not Divison Three), but in reality it’s just corporate nonsense caused entirely by new sponsors Coca Cola. Chris said he looks forward to Leeds battling it out with Crewe and co for “The Championship” next season. He asked Chappers what he knew about their new signings Paul Butler and Julian Joachim. Dave called them “fresh young talent”. I know Butler cos he played for us (Bury) when we won promotion from Div 3 back in 96 and when we won Divison 2 in 1997. He’s now at Wolves - big, tall, strong and very dirty - perfect for Leeds then. This means that Leeds now have an ex Bury coach as manager, an ex Bury manager as coach and one ex Bury player in their central defence. As Yazz & The Plastic Population once didn’t sing, the only way is down. Attention turned to more important issues, this Sunday’s big match in Lisbon - England v France. Chappers talked about Terry, Rooney, Beckham, Scholes and the best way to defend against Thierry Henry. One unnamed Premiership defender apparently said the best way was to kick him, call him names and watch him sulk.
Chris - That’s exactly what we do to Aled!!
(Dave and Chappers laugh)
Chappers - Aled is the Thierry Henry of Radio One!!
England will be wearing white on Sunday and not red. Chris gave out this information and said that he felt like a pirate radio DJ giving out the dress code for a rave. Him, Mark and Dave are all going for a 1-1 draw. I’ll go for us to lose 2-1 with Zinedine Zidane scoring two in injury time, one from a free kick and one from a penalty...not that I’m putting this review up late and have already seen the game or owt...don’t be stupid *cough*.
Chris - Hey Chappers, how many people do you think are in this room?
Chappers - (looks around)...20?
Chris - Yeah wasn’t that your audience on Breakfast? (laughter)
Chappers (laughing) - Oooh. Eh don’t drag me into this!!*
Chris - I’m only joking
* It sounds like Chris and Coxy really don’t get on then, even though Chris says they do

(Chappers gets teased about his and Coxy’s breakfast ratings)

CONTINENTAL CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
GREG a mechanic in a workshop in St Ives 2
GAVIN a dry liner from Kingsbury 0

Daves Tedious Link
The Chemical Brothers and Noel Gallagher Setting Sun - A setting sun is something which is best seen if you’re facing west - If you add the word “wild” to west you get Wild West, which is somewhere you’d expect to find cowboys - Cowboys wear hats - Hats were traditionally the primary industry in Luton - Luton is now famous for it’s airport - An airport is somewhere that has a runway, as does a fashion show - A fashion show is somewhere you might see Vernon Kay - Vernon Kay shares the same surname as his Bolton compatriot Peter Kay - Peter Kay advertises bitter - Bitter the taste is one of the five senses - If you add an extra sense there would be a sixth sense - The Sixth Sense was a film starring Bruce Willis - Bruce Willis starred in Die Hard where a load of people were held against their will by baddies - and if you were unfortunate enough to be held captive by gun-toting baddies, you would probably be hoping that one day they’d “set you free” - Which links us to N-Trance and Set You Free

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOW OF THE WEEK: Friday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: Proxy chat, CBBC’s patronising trails, Chris’s garden/jungle and internal phone fun (Monday), the cheesy S Club 7 Buzz Off link, Hot Mommas, learning Portuguese and parts of the Paddy Kielty interview (Tuesday), the Tim Henman interview, Carpark Catchphrase and the sticker book swapsies (Wednesday), the airport final exploits of James from Northampton (Thursday) and all the new jingles and beds, the tour of the villa, the steak and chips and snoring stories, plus Buzz Off and chatting to Tracy and Andy (all today). Don’t forget you can Listen Again to every show from this week by following the links to Listen Again from Chris’s Radio 1 mini-site.

NOEL GALLAGHER ON THE SHOW THIS MONDAY
Just like he was four years ago at Euro 2000, Noel will be a guest on the show this forthcoming Monday. He’s going to the England - France game the night before and will drop by for a chat with Chris and Dave in the morning, although he’s said that he’s not going to sing. Rachel has brought a huge guitar from Radio 1 over just in case. These producer types are always thinking eh...

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday June 11th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

The Airport Final - Thursday 10th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Thursday, June 10 2004 by MC_]


(The Round 1 Line Up, James get the Sudden Death question wrong and the Chris scans the questions)

1. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. U2 - Beautiful Day, 3. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 4. Lostprophets - Wake Up (Make A Move), 5. BUZZ OFF - Shampoo - Trouble, 6. Christina Aguilera - Fighter 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Faithless - We Come One, 8. Kanye West feat Syleena Johnson - All Falls Down, 9. Baddiel & Skinner and The Lightning Seeds - 3 Lions, 10. Christina Milian - Dip It Low 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Outkast - Hey Ya, 12. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 13. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 14. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Kylie Minogue - Can’t Get You Out Of My Head, 16. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 17. Eminem - Without Me, 18. The Rasmus - In The Shadows, 19. Pink feat William Orbit - Feel Good Time, 20. Kelis - Trick Me, 21. The Killers - Mr Brightside, 22. No Doubt - It’s My Life 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling, 24. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 25. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 26. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Today is the day that Chris and the team finally fly out to their Portuguese villa for Euro 2004, accompanied by three lucky Radio 1 competition winners and their three freeloading friends. This morning’s tense but dull show eventually decided who those six were, as it came live from the Mariott Hotel near Heathrow for the airport final of the Where’s Aled competition. Tense and dramatic radio doesn’t always make for great listening and today was a perfect example of that. The show was funny in parts but by far the worst of the week, simply because not enough of us cared who went to Portugal, so therefore lost interest in a large majority of links as Chris continually went on about it or asked the contestants questions. The absence of both Tedious Link and Carpark Catchphrase also meant no light relief from the big final, so therefore it totally dominated over two and a half hours of the show today. I can’t complain too much cos the standard of shows this week has been top notch up until this point. The writing was on the wall today though from pretty much the beginning. Chris stumbled his opening words, feedback kicked in doing the second link and then it was revealed that all the competition winners eating brekky next door couldn’t actually hear the show due to the lack of any speakers or radios in there. Chris and Dave had a monitor on them all and scanned their eyes up and down the 18 finalists and their 18 friends. The reason there wasn’t 20 was because two of the finalists couldn’t make it down to London this morning. Chris said the ones that did turn up seemed fairly nice though, despite the disappointing lack of any female leggy, busty nymphomaniacs. Last night all the finalists met up for a drink in the hotel bar, which Chris said was a nice opportunity for him to get to meet them all. Plus of course work out the normal ones from the weirdos. The alarm call this morning was half six for the competition winners and their freeloading friends, but an earlier 6 o’clock for the radio team. Chris and Dave talked about their lovely rooms at the Mariott last night, although Chris said Aled was now such a huge celebrity that he’s asking for rooms with a separate bath and shower only. He doesn’t like the bath and shower combo apparently, and even switched hotels in Manchester because of this on one occasion recently. Aled put up a bit of a half arsed protest but the story was essentially true...oh and yep Aled is back btw. Chris said Jones had returned modelling the whitest shirt ever and pants like them horrible cream coloured ones him, Chris, Dave and Will wore during their boy band performance at last years One Big Sunday in Leicester. Chris compared Aled to that annoying prat Marco from Big Brother...he said he’s just a shorter, Welsh version of him with added hair (urghh what a thought). Aled said he was happy to be back with the team, especially for Buzz Off where he feels Dom has been waiting far too long to buzz in on certain tracks. Dom disagreed (both him and Jules were live from the airport too this morning). Both aren’t going to Portugal later though, they’ll remain back at base at Yalding House. Dom said he wasn’t bitter or owt but the weather in Portugal is freezing. Chris said he’s gonna wear his new £135 pair of sandals tomorrow whatever the weather (you may remember these were the sandals being discussed on yesterday’s show). Aled sounded disgusted at Chris for paying such a price. He always pays at least £200 (only kidding).
Chris - So Aled hasn’t done it for a few weeks...if you pardon the expression...(laughs) er maybe he has, I dunno. So a little bit later than advertised it’s time to do this morning’s Buzz Off...
(plays O Mio Babbino Caro bed)
Today’s tune was randomly chosen once more by the team, from another of Chris’s compilation CD’s. It was the July 94 number 11 hit Trouble by Shampoo. Dave buzzed in first on 14 seconds (he called it muck), Rach was next a second later, the listeners waited till 1 minute 23 and Aled even longer after that. Chris in the end buzzed in for him on 1:52...harsh but fair. Aled asked Dom if he’d have buzzed it off by that point. Dave interrupted and said of course he would have done - Dom hates shampoo (ber dum cha). Aled soon cheered up anyway when he found out that Chris will be taking the first series of 24 on DVD with him to Portugal, that’s alongside a huge bag of Buzz Off CD’s of course.

(Chris on the mic this morning)
I’m really struggling as far as other non football/airport final related stuff goes from today’s show, but here’s a few other little bits and bobs that I’ve got noted down. Dave had yet another case of the acidic breakfast syndrome @ 7:40, Chris said Aled’s rear of the year ass was looking as fat as ever this morning, Juliette looked like a cross between Lisa Lobe and Nana Mouskouri in her specs and Dom was amusingly firing off all his news clips and travel jingles from a big button under his foot, therefore making him look like he had some sort of nervous twitch. Best of all though was the fact that Newsbeat’s big text debate of the day was on wireless doorbells that set off simultaneously on the street (Chris said that deserved an award on it’s own).

THE AIRPORT FINAL - MEET THE 18 FINALISTS:

(Aled talks to “magician” James)
After 7:30 Aled walked down the line of the 18 finalists, getting their name, home town and interesting fact. Aled could hear Chris in his ears, but the contestants couldn’t hear Moyles at all - therefore allowing him to slag them off as much as he wanted. Here we go with a quick summary of all the finalists then:
- Rowan from Cambridge :- Has just finished her finals
- Mark from Newcastle :- Used to live next door to Jimmy Nail
- Derek from Sunderland :- Is happily married with two kids
- Adele from Leeds :- Once shared a muffin with Kevin Keegan (and is fit - see pic below)
- Kevin from Southampton :- Has a beautiful 6 year old son called Jack
- James from Longfield :- Is an electrical tester
- Roy from Barrow :- Has no hair (and according to Chris is weird)
- Charles from Birmingham :- Runs http://www.tightsplease.co.uk
- Neil from Bristol :- Started a new job on Monday and wants a 3 week holiday straight away
- Dan from Taunton :- His friend will miss his 1st wedding anniversary if he wins
- Ian from Cardiff :- Chose his mate over his girlfriend to take to Portugal
- Vince from Milton Keynes :- Who is a bad loser
- Kate from Swindon :- Has bigger breasts than Rachel
- Karl from Hinckley :- Drinks in the same pub as Greengrass (Bill Maynard) from Heartbeat
- Dan from Cambridge :- Who gets married in 86 days
- Tracy from Congleton :- Who can make balloon animals and looks fit (see her pics further below)
- Karl from Warwick :- Who named his company after his two daughters
- James from Northampton :- Who does magic tricks
**Aled - Oh how the hours will fly by!!
(Chris and the contestants laugh)
Chris - Will he do some magic for us later?
Aled - Will you do some magic for us later?
James - Yeah if you’ve got some fags for me to eat
Chris - Oh there you go
Aled - Nice, classy
(Dave and contestants laugh)
Chris - Good morning it’s ten to 8
(Dave and Aled laugh)**

(Adele from Leeds, pictured here for no other reason than for the fact that she’s fit)
- You can see pics of all 18 contestants on the Where’s Aled pages @ Radio 1 Online - click these links to view Page 1, Page 2, Page 3 and Page 4.

ROUND 1 - PLAYER? NOT A PLAYER?:>>>
With Round 1 fast approaching and the tension mounting, Chris checked out his TV monitor showing all the finalists preparing next door. Will Kinder was clambering into shot, which Chris said was becaause he’s an egomaniac. Will replied with an abusive gesture to the camera and Chris said that that was the reason why he’s not coming with them to Portugal later.
Dom (watching monitor) - They’re looking very nervous now
Chris - D’ya think?
Dom - Especially the guy in yellow
Dave - That’s cos Will’s stood behind him
Dom - Oh that’s true yeah (Chris & finalists laugh)
Chris - It could’ve been worse. It could’ve been Aled stood behind him
(Finalists laugh as Chris plays Hey Ya by Outkast)
The final began with a big dramatic voiceover courtesy of Paul Turner, who has obviously recorded a whole load of new stuff for this competition and the team’s trip to Portugal. The concept of the game was fairly easy - Chris would read out a name in turn to each finalist and they had to tell him whether it was the name of a real footballer player playing at this summers Euro 2004 (i.e. “player”) or the name of someone who isn’t a footballer at all (i.e “not a player”). An incorrect answer meant immediate disqualification and the order the finalists were asked their questions in was decided in a draw before the show, so to make it fair for everyone. With Chris ready and the finalists lined up looking petrified, the game began. Seven were knocked out in Round One - Vince, Adele, Neil, Charles, Kate, Dan and Mark. Vince (the bad loser) was gutted in particular, Chris said his hands were shaking and James from Northampton (who did get his question right) announced that he may have followed through. Will and Dave in particular found this hilarious.

(Charles goes out in Round 1)
- For more photos from Round 1 click here

ROUND 2 - PLAYER? NOT A PLAYER?:>>>
Three out of the remaining eleven went this round - Rowan, Karl and James from Longfield. Karl’s question was easy (Karl Dittersdorf) but he said player, resulting in his freeloading friend screaming “you idiot!!!” across the room at him. Again Dave almost split his sides. Chris was being Mr Caring and told Karl that his mate still loved him. He also developed an annoying habit of calling everybody his pal, which really got irritating after a while. James from Northampton described his pants as “streaked” to Chris this round. I just hope nobody was tucking into their coco pops at this point...

(Karl goes out as the very fit Tracy gets her question correct - back off Chris you cheeky git)
- For more photos from Round 2 click here

ROUND 3 AND SUDDEN DEATH - PLAYER? NOT A PLAYER?:>>>
Eight people qualified for the sudden death stages, but only Roy from Barrow got his first question wrong so Chris played a couple of songs and then came back to the remaining seven. Kevin, Karl and Ian were next to go, leaving just four people left fighting over three spots. Unfortunately it was James from Northampton who lost out. Chris hugged him and said he felt a bit teary for him, as he looked devastated when he broke the news to him. Here are the three to go to Portugal though:

(The winners - Derek from Sunderland, Tracy from Congleton and Dan from Cambridge)
Dan is a swimming pool manager and is taking his brother Mal, Derek is taking his brother Paul and Tracy is taking her “travelling buddy” Andy Brown. She met him in Sydney last year at the rugby and that is where her boyfriend is now. Along with Chris, Dave, exec Rhys and Chappers (who popped in for a quick chat about his and Scott Mills' blossoming relationship), these six will go to all to England’s three Euro 2004 group games against France, Switzerland and Croatia in Portugal. Also joining them for the French match in Lisbon on Sunday will be Monday’s big star guest, who’s yet to be announced. All the runners up didn’t go away empty handed though - they all got sparkling new DAB Digital Radios and a pair of VIP tickets each courtesy of Radio 1 to go and see the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform live this weekend in London’s Hyde Park. Everyone seemed chuffed to bits with this (as you would be), and even two of the winners going to Portugal were gutted to have missed out on the chance to have seen the Chili’s. Chris said the nailbiting final round was one of the tensest things he’s ever done in his radio career, and Dom called it an “emotional rollercoaster” (despite not actually doing anything himself). It was undoubtedly tense but for me personally it didn’t really make great radio. Let’s just hope tomorrows show in Portugal is a lot better.

(The Runners Up celebrate their consolation prizes)
- For more photos from Round 3 and the Sudden Death final click both here and here
- To see Chris’s video account of the show and his Euro 2004 prediction click here and to see Aled’s account of his 17 days on the road, including how he nearly got arrested on suspicion of drug dealing in Northampton then click here

NO CARPARK CATCHPHRASE TODAY
Chris chose to chat more with the competition winners after 9:30 and technically Carpark Catchphrase may also have been a bit of pain to operate on the mobile desk so Chris saved himself the bother. Roy Walker and Mr Fish will return on tomorrows show instead, live from Portugal for a special continental version of Carpark Catchphrase.

NO TEDIOUS LINK TODAY EITHER
Due to the tension of the final couple of rounds and the fact that they overran badly, Tedious Link was cancelled this morning. Rest assured it’ll return tomorrow morning @ 9 o’clock, when the show will be coming live from Portugal (as if you didn't know already). Catch it all on your radio from 6:55 am, and if not then check back here in a few days time for my full show review.

> The Airport Final - Thursday June 10th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Wednesday 9th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 9 2004 by MC_]

1. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Shakedown - At Night, 3. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 4. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out, 5. BUZZ OFF - David Bowie - Let’s Dance, 6. Britney Spears - Toxic 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 8. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 9. The 5,6,7,8’s - Woo Hoo, 10. The Thrills - Santa Cruz (You’re Not That Far) 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. The Strokes - 12:51, 12. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 13. Maroon 5 - This Love, 14. Riva feat Dannii Minogue - Who Do You Love Now 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Lostprophets - Last Train Home, 16. Kelis - Trick Me, 17. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know, 18. The Chemical Brothers feat Noel Gallagher - Setting Sun (Tedious Link), 19. Outkast - Roses, 20. Damien Rice - Cannonball, 21. Natasha Bedingfield - Single, 22. Scissor Sisters - Laura 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow, 24. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 25. Angel City featuring Lara McAllen - Touch Me

This was the last studio show for a good few weeks as tomorrow the team will be live from an airport near Heathrow, and then from Friday onwards they’ll be coming live from their big villa in Portugal for Euro 2004...jammy gits. This team won’t include Dom and Jules though, both of whom will be “keeping it real” back home in London (for technical reasons). Dom said he never wanted to go out to Portugal anyway. Chris told him that he had a spare ticket for the France match if he was interested. Dom said he’d chew his arm off for it. Chris said a cheque would do.
Dom - Are you packed?
Chris - Pardon
(Dave and Rach laugh) Dave - Your case he’s talking about
Chris - Oh right
Dave said he had, so was wearing some slightly damp shorts this morning. By that I don’t mean they weren’t mucky or owt, they’d just simply come out of the wash. Chris bought himself some sandals yesterday, which Dave called glorified flip flops. Chris said they weren’t and revealed that in a moment of madness he’d spent a fortune on them. Dave sounded slightly alarmed when Chris revealed that they cost him a lot more than double what his did (and they were £35). Jules and Dom both let out a collective gasp and Dom told Chris that he was paid far too much money if he was doing that. Chris admitted that he never should’ve got caught up in such “crazy sandal extravagance”. He said he had to admit to everyone - he’s a flip flopaholic.
Dom - Will you wear them on Friday so then me and Jules can join in the flip flop fun?
(Dave and Chris laugh)
Dave - It’s quite hard isn’t it?
Chris - Is it, I’m sorry to hear that
(Dave laughs)
The whole shorts and clothes for Portugal discussion led to Dave referring to where he hangs his clothes as a “maiden”, surely a term not used since the 19th Century. Dom was sure Dave had just made that name up but hundreds of texts came in backing Mr Vitty. Dave said granted it’s more of an old fashioned expression, but then again he’s a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to hanging up washing...whatever. Rachel went on Ask Jeeves to look for stuff on maidens, but only proceeded in bringing up a load of sites on Iron Maiden. Annoyed that he had been ridiculed by his colleagues earlier, Comedic Dave went to print out all the texts backing up his argument on maidens during the Buzz Off track - just so that he could show them to Dom and Chris. Chris said he didn’t need to cos he believed him anyway, but Dave was having none of it. The Buzz Off track in question was the legendary David Bowie classic Let’s Dance, a number one back in March 1983. 67% went for Buzz On and it was played in full, with only Dominic buzzing in before the end on 2 mins 10 seconds (he said he didn’t like that particular whispering part of the song).
Chris’s 7:00 news intro - Coming up Shakedown At Night and Cassidy and R. Kelly with Hotel. Seriously, are we still playing this bilge? Can we not just like lose it or something? Eh? When we get to Portugal that’s the excuse...we left the R Kelly record
Dave - Yeah dropped it in the pool or something
Chris - Yeah, customs took it off us at the airport
Dave - and with good reason too
Chris said his girlfriend Sophie met R. Kelly in his Chicago studio where he lays down his “hot flavas”...I think there's a gag in there somewhere. Chris said that he had a whole range of R. Kelly jokes and stories to tell at this point but unfortunately couldn’t go any further due to the fear of being either sued or taken off the air completely...ahh pity. New music on the show today came in the form of Damien Rice with Cannonball and The 5,6,7,8’s with Woo Hoo. Dave wasn’t completely sure about the Damien Rice tune and said that he needed to hear it a few more times before he could decide whether he liked it or not. I’m sure that Radio 1 will be able to offer Dave the chance to hear it again...on an hourly basis probably. The 5,6,7,8’s tune is undisputed quality though - Kill Bill fans will recognise it from the Volume 1 Soundtrack and everyone else from that Carling advert at the moment with the blokes playing football down the street. I have a bone to pick with Radio 1 about another track played today though - This Love by Maroon 5. This has happened on a few occasions now (most memorably with that Blu Cantrell and Sean Paul bilge last year). That tune was never playlisted until after it spent 4 weeks at number one, and it seems the same has happened now to Maroon 5. Despite being a great song, it’s been played on commercial radio for months and months and got a top 3 chart placing a whole four or five weeks ago...yet it’s only now Radio 1 start playing it. I just find it a bit odd.


STICKER BOOK AND SWEEPSTAKE UPDATE:>>>>
Today (thank god) should be the last day of sticker book stuff on The Chris Moyles Show. Chris had both Wayne Rooney and Paul Scholes stickers to finish off his England squad today, and said that he only has a few stickers left to complete the whole book. Dave asked if the Portuguese reserve goalie Quim was one of them (cue the giggles in the studio). Moyles said he actually was and Jules shouted out frantically that she had five swapsies of him. She rushed out to get one and eventually swapped it with Chris for Freddie Ljungberg. Moyles said he would have been absolutely delighted when he woke up this morning if he had known then that he would have taken Juliette’s quim within a few hours of the day - back of that net indeed. Yesterday was the big Euro 2004 sweepstake in the pub, but cos Chris turned up late he ended up getting Greece, which had really peed him off. He said it was such a con. The other latecomer got Latvia, Dave got Spain, Chappers got Russia and Scott bloody Mills got France (he didn’t know whether that was good or bad). Everyone put a tenner into the pot with the winner getting a hundred quid of the total £160 prize fund, the runner up gets forty quid and then the first sending off and own goal earn wildcard tenners each. Dom said they just did a sweepstake in Newsbeat yesterday with the winner taking all eighty quid (all 16 of them put a fiver in the pot each). He got Croatia, who he is now tipping for Euro 2004 glory. In the chrismoyles.net mesageboard sweepstake today I got Sweden so here’s to hoping a Swedish manager wins the tournament (y’see what I’ve done there)...
Chris - Do you know what I think? I won’t repeat this but after watching their form over the last 15 years, my tip is...Cameroon (makes click click noise)
Dave - They never do well in the Euros Cameroon though do they?
Rachel (off mic and sounding confused) - They’re not in it
Dave - Oh Jesus Christ
(Dom and Jules laugh)
Dave (impersonates Rach) - “They’re not in it”
Chris - Rachel, get out and go work on Jo Whiley’s show for the rest of the week!!!

RADIO 1’S HOT MOMMAS:

Yep today was Day 2 in Chris and Dave’s search for the UK’s finest piece of 38-49 year old classic crumpet. They want listener pics sent to chris.moyles@bbc.co.uk, although I seriously doubt anybody reading this will fall within that age range. Dave and Chris will vet them first remember, a level of quality control is needed to find the finest pieces of vintage bintage in the UK. Dave called the feature “a sexier meals on wheels for an older generation” (that makes me feel sick). With no listener entries in yet (despite a page being put up @ R1 ONLINE), the chat today was all about possible celebrity members of the vintage bintage club. Chris said he’d definitely have a go with Liz Hurley, despite her being so posh. He said that he thinks she’s got a great body and looks mucky (as they say in t’Leeds) and his opinion she’s just crying out for a bit of northern rough and ready..
Chris - I’ve got something none of her ex’s have got...an extra 4 stone
Dave - Yeah
Here we go with the rest of the other text suggestions for the Hot Mommas club:
SHARRON DAVIES - Chris thinks yes, Dave thinks overrated
MICHAELA STRACHAN - Yes for Chris, too skinny for Dave
*PATSY KENSIT - Both said yes in Lethal Weapon 2 but not now (I still say now)
AMANDA DONOHUE - Both said yes in Castaway but not now
*NATASHA KAPLINSKY - Both said definitely yes. Chris said he’s fancied her ever since she did the ITV local news in London. Actually, you can read an interesting story about her breaking up a marriage here
SUSANNAH HOFFS (THE BANGLES) - Yep for Dave
PHILIPPA FORRESTER - Yep for Dave (urghh sick)
YASMIN LE BON - Both said beautiful
KIRSTY YOUNG, JO WHILEY, CAROL SMILIE AND CAROL VORDERMAN - Yep
MICHELLE PFEIFFER, MADONNA AND LESLIE ASH - Yep (Ash before she tried to make herself look nice though)
ANNABEL CROFT - Provisionally yes
SIGOURNEY WEAVER AND SUSAN KENNEDY FROM NEIGHBOURS - Nope
JAMIE LEE CURTIS - Yep for Chris, looks too much like a bloke for Dave
JUDI DENCH, CILLA BLACK, ZOE WANAMAKER AND CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES - Whoever texted those in are just sickos
(Key - *Both are under 38 so can't qualify)

WHEN JULES MET TIM:
Juliette headed down to the Stella Artois Championships at Queens yesterday to do an interview with Tim Henman. Chris played out the highlights of this highly eventful interview after the 7:30 news this morning (inevitably over the Wimbledon theme tune). Jules explained how she enjoyed her time there under the blue skies with the free bar and her pims, while Chris, Dom and Dave childishly did their umpire, foot fault and “Out!!” impressions. Chris asked what type of pims Jules had had. She said she didn’t know there was more than one type. Along with buying £100+ sandals, Dominic said this was point 2 of today’s show to question Chris’s sexuality. Jules said Tim was in a good mood and played along with her stupid, silly questions until near the end - and the he petered out a bit. Here’s what we did learn though:
- Tim hates films like Back To The Future
- Tim likes a really soft, strong blue cheese like Stilton with a glass of red wine
- Despite being a happily married man, Jules asked Tim about his favourite “hot mommas”. Chris couldn’t believe she did it and it’s fair to say Tim didn’t fully grasp the concept of the item as he went for the 20 something Brazilian model Jisel. Jules wasn’t gonna point out that he was roughly 15 years under the boundary though let’s face it. Chris was slightly disappointed as he was hoping Tim would choose Sue Barker as his hot momma. Dave said she is an attractive older lady after all, but Chris disagreed...
Chris - I’d rather do it with with Ally McCoist
(Dom and Dave laugh)
Dave - Point three of today’s show to question your sexuality
Chris - I tell ya what, I’d rather do it with Bill Beaumont!!
(Dave in fits of laughter as Chris plays Beyonce)

This was hilarious if you can catch it on Listen Again - at roughly 7:35 on Wednesday morning (note: you’ll only be able to hear it here if you’re listening before 10:20 am on Wednesday 16th June 2004). Half time (9:05 am) was good too today - it included Chris and Dave playing about with reverse echo and making announcements for a sports day, just like the sound you hear when you're near a school sports day and the teachers microphone is blown all over the place. Rachel called them such boys...
Rachel - You two get paid for doing this!!
Dave - I know. Shocking isn’t it

WHERE’S ALED: FINAL DAY (DAY 17)>>>>

(Today’s winner Kate from Swindon and Aled)
PASSWORD - “John Terry’s hamstring”
LOCATION - Next to the Oasis Leisure Centre in Swindon
CLUES - In an English town 90 miles from Northampton. This town’s football team is in Division 2 and in 1840 a large railway company selected this place for it’s home. Aled was standing on a walkway to a building’s entrance, with a car park in front of him, a dome to his right and a recycling centre nearby. Oh and Billie Piper comes from here too.

WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - Kate (25) from Swindon won eventually, she was third to get to Aled but first with the exact password after both Mike and Ian had been unsuccessful. She screamed when she found out she’d won and apologised. Chris said there was no need - remember screaming sounds great on the trails. Kate had been in the first of around 30 cars to pull up after the Billie Piper clue, so Aled had a big queue of people forming to have a go at the password. They all trooped off disappointed as she got it right. Today is the last day of Where’s Aled and also the first venue to fox Comedy Dave from the mileage clues, that was until the Billie Piper clue was given. Aled told Chris that Juliette, Jocelyn and Rachel had all mentioned it earlier in the morning when he was on the studio phone but Chris and Dave mustn’t have heard. Big Paul has also left Aled with just a day off his trip left. He’s gone to check out the villa in Portugal with old afternoon show producer Rhys, who’s in charge of the whole Portugal trip. Aled had therefore been joined by Steve, but Chris and Dave didn’t have a clue who he was.
TWO TEXT WINNERS - After Aled’s exploits in Swindon this morning, just two places for the big airport final tomorrow were left up for grabs. They went to randomly selected texters who correctly guessed Aled’s location this week, before anyone found him in person. They were Tracy in Congleton (who screamed the house down) and a very shocked sounding Karl from Warwick. He obviously wasn’t listening to the show when Chris rang him, so it came as a double surprise. Rachel called it a lovely moment when Karl realised. Chris said he had thoroughly enjoyed it too - so much so that he needed a cigarette afterwards (cue deep breathing into the mic). All competition winners and their freeloading friends are meeting up with Chris and the crew for a drink tonight in London, that’s all ahead of the big airport final which remember you can hear live on the show tomorrow morning from 6:55.

ANOTHER FUNNY CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
SARAH who’s in the army and was at a schools roadshow in Inverness 2
MATT a kitchen fitter from the Wirral lost somewhere in London 0

**Sarah was in her army verheercle (as Dave would pronounce it) and Mr Vitty was wondering how she got in there...
Dave - Sarah, do you get into it by going through a flap in the top?
Sarah - You can do yeah or you can go through the back
(childish background laughter)
Chris (laughing) - What are we talking about now?
Dave - The army verheercle
Chris - Right OK fine**

**Chris gives out the first clue.. .
Chris - It looks like Mr Fish has just woken up...and what’s that on his pillow? Oh dear, it looks a bit wet but I’m not sure what that is
(Matt laughs)
Chris - Shut up Matt you perv
(Sarah’s horn beeps)
Chris - Yes Sarah?
Sarah - Wet dreams?
(Chris, Dave and Dom laugh) Chris (still laughing) - Oh Jesus!! Well believe it or not Sarah (plays clip)
Roy Walker - Oooh it’s good but it’s not right**

**Chris said you don’t need brains to get in the army these days after Sarah’s 2-0 victory. She asked for the new Keane album and said she’d love her camp in Bulford to become a Chris Moyles Approved Workplace:
Chris - OK, how old are you Sarah?
Sarah - I’m 21
Chris - Do you give it up easily..(interrupts himself)..are you good looking?
(Cue Dave pig squeal laugh)**

Daves Tedious Link
Take That feat Lulu Relight My Fire - “Relight my fire” is what an annoyed barbecuer might say if some idiot had just spilt water all over his briquettes - Briquettes rhymes with crickets, which make a noise by rubbing their little insect legs together - If human legs rub together it tends to result in chafing - Chafing can be alleviated with the help of talcom powder - Talcom powder is white and therefore not a great thing to have in your hand luggage - “Luggage” is one of the few words in the English language that contain’s three G’s - Three G’s is what you might be pulling if you were an astronaut experiencing re entry - Re entry is prohibited in many nightclubs unless you have a stamp on your hand - Hand rhymes with rand, which is the currency of South Africa - South Africa are to host the World Cup after Germany - Germany is the birthplace of Boris Becker - Boris Becker recently got caught with his trousers down in the broom cupboard of the appropriately named “Nobu” restaurant - Nobu is a big favourite with celebs such as Ant and Dec, Kirsty Gallacher, The Chemical Brothers and Noel Gallagher - Which links us predictably to a record which features The Chemical Brothers and Noel Gallagher, it is the Chemical Brothers and Setting Sun

TOMORROW ON THE CHRIS MOYLES SHOW
It's the big Euro 2004 airport final. Make sure you're listening to 97-99FM from 6:55 am or check back here in a couple of days time for the full show review.

> Wednesday June 9th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Tuesday 8th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 8 2004 by MC_]

1. D12 - My Band 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Foo Fighters - All My Life, 3. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 4. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 5. BUZZ OFF - S Club 7 - Bring It All Back, 6. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. D. Kay & Epsilon feat Stamina MC - Barcelona, 8. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 9. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes 8:00 NEWSBEAT 10. No Doubt feat Bounty Killer - Hey Baby, 11. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 12. Jurgen Vries feat Andrea Britton - Take My Hand, 13. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started 8:30 NEWSBEAT 14. Nickelback - How You Remind Me, 15. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 16. Pink - God Is A DJ, 17. N*E*R*D - Maybe, 18. Take That feat Lulu - Relight My Fire (Tedious Link), 19. Snow Patrol - Chocolate, 20. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes 9:30 NEWSBEAT 21. Kelis - Trick Me, 22. Deepest Blue - Give It Away, 23. Red Hot Chili Peppers - By The Way

As is the norm at the moment, Chris kicked off the show today with a snippet of Papa Loves Mambo by Perry Como and the Ray Charles singers - a number 16 hit back in December 1954 (ahh god bless http://www.everyhit.com). In addition to this, American voiceover guy Paul Turner has also recorded a “mmm...bellas rodas” drop for Chris to use, which he duly did a number of times this morning. It was hotter than Ibiza and Cyprus in Britain yesterday and forecasters are predicted another scorcher later today. If you’re a long time listener you’ll know that sunny weather means only two things on The Chris Moyles Show - a conversation about how you change the temperature from celsius into fahrenheit (check) and Chris and Dave gawping at newspaper pics of some scantily clad top heavy lovely in a thong by the beach in Brighton/Bournemouth (check). Today it was student Sam Beck’s turn, she’s 25 and from Andover in Hampshire apparently. Dave and Chris agreed it was definitely a set up as she looked like a model and had in their professional opinion “had them done”. Chris did a google search for Sam Beck, which came up with a result for Sambeck Caravans Limited - quality assured, 20 years experience, a good reputation for customer service and the ride of your life. Chris said she looked like a very experienced girl who could teach you a thing or do after all (aii). He also said he wasn’t surprised she had a good reputation for her customer service and as for the “ride of your life” bit...I think you can see a pattern emerging here. Dave said she’d certainly get him into caravanning...
Chris - Get into caravanning, get into Sam
(Dave laughs and interrupts Chris just as he says Sam) - No no no no
Chris - Right... No? Sambecks caravans I was gonna say
Dave - No back it up there
It’s Chris’s brother Kieran’s birthday today. Chris wished him happy birthday and followed it up with his usual Chubby Brown line. In the news today Dominic was going on about Venus passing between the Earth and the Sun this morning - it’s one of the rarest events in the universe and hasn’t happened since 1852. Dom explained how to see Venus using binoculars, paper and a black dot. Chris said it sounded rubbish and told everyone not to bother having a look. He recommended they watch it on the 6 o’clock news tonight instead. Dave talked about how he personally found The Solar Eclipse very disappointing and added that he isn’t interested in astrology at all as he just finds it boring.
Dom - It’s astronomy not astrology
Dave - Whatever...it’s still dull

Chris played The new Streets single Dry Your Eyes after 9 o’clock this morning. This is the one that everyone’s raving about at the moment. Chris likes it, particularly the strings on it. It’s Dave’s favourite Streets track too but he said he still prefers it as an instrumental. It doesn’t do anything for me but then again I do hate The Streets with a passion. Chris had a compilation of “fresher flavas” to play on Buzz Off this morning. He said he had been playing too much 80’s stuff and not enough from the 90’s on this feature. This compilation was from 1999 and he gave Dom, Rach and Dave a choice of four songs - a pure pop tune, a cheesy as hell pop tune, a slightly cooler tune and a slightly cooler than that tune. Rach went for the pure pop tune but changed her mind within ten seconds as Chris started another Vengaboys record. Dave called it muck. After reconsidering the three of them decided they wanted the least amount of cheese available. Chris doubted they’d like it though.
Dave - OK let’s go up the cheese scale one notch...Cheese 1
Dom - A mild cheese
Chris - I don’t care cos I think you secretly want cheese and I’m gonna play that
Dave - I don’t want cheese
Chris - Yeah you do. Dominic?
Dom - I like cheese but I don’t know if I like your cheese
Chris (laughs) - Really?
Dave - Interesting
Chris - Good mornin'
Chris’s cheesy choice was Bring It All Back from S Club 7, a number one single back in June 1999. It was played in full as Buzz On won the text vote by 52% to 48%. Normally I would give Chris a tirade of abuse for such a choice but when the sun is beating down through the curtains and you’re curled up in bed half asleep, it actually wasn’t so bad. You try telling that to Dave though, who sounded disgusted and asked Chris if he’d run out of CD’s. He buzzed in on 11 seconds, Rach followed on 16 and Dominic was next on 20.

DOM AND MAFALDA’S PORTUGUESE CLASS:
Dom and his 24 year old Portuguese friend Mafalda (who works at a 4 star hotel in the Algarve) were back on after half seven this morning to teach Chris and Dave some more crucial Portuguese phrases for their trip to Euro 2004. They have learned “mmm...bellas rodas” amongst many so far, and they plan to use this when speaking to the taxi driver at the airport in Lisbon on Thursday. New phrases today included “England 5 France 0”, “Hello, what is your favourite cheese?”, “Rachel will look lovely in her bikini by the swimming pool” and “mmm...nice legs” (mmm...bellas permes). Dave taught himself the rather bizarre “Do you have any bubble bath?” but was having trouble working out what Mafalda was saying in one of her clips. He heard the sound “fumer” and assumed it was to do with smoking, but Dom said that actually meant film.
Dave - Ahh
Chris - Oh, “have you ever filmed yourself doing...”
Dom (interrupting) - No no. It’s not that
(Dave laughs)
Chris - Oh, is it “have you seen the Paris Hilton video?” (laughs)
Dom - No I barely know this woman
Dave (laughing) - “Have you ever met Abi Titmuss?”
Dom - Again no
The actual answer if you care was “What’s your favourite Back To The Future Movie?” (obviously).

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 16>>>>

(Aled with Vince in Leicester and later with James in Northampton)
PASSWORD - “Papa loves mambo, I love football”
LOCATION - At the Walkers Stadium in Leicester. He was in Northampton too, that was later today with Colin and Edith.
CLUES - Sandwiched between two car parks in an English city 150 miles away from yesterday’s location (Cardiff). The city has 40 churches and 17 Hindu temples, Thomas Cook started here and 10% of the city’s population is made up of students.
WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - Vince legged it from the carpark to get to Aled after his second set of clues. Earlier Ben had amazingly found him after just three clues - the bad news was that he got the password wrong, but the good news was that Chris had to cut off Nickelback half way through to go live to Aled. Chris asked Aled how the laughing gnome (Paul) was. Paul is spending 3 weeks in Portugal with Aled after nearly 3 weeks on the road with him on this tour. Dave said if he was Paul he would have punched him by now. He hasn’t yet...but there’s still time.

RADIO 1’S HOT MOMMAS:

After criticising Chris’s Buzz Off choice of Bring It All Back by S Club 7, Dave went on to pick the gay anthem Relight My Fire by Take That and Lulu for Tedious Link today. Dave thinks Lulu is looking a lot better now than she did when that song was released back in 1993. Dave said he still wouldn’t though. Chris said he would if she kept her make up on. As disgusting as it is, this conversation did lead onto creating a new feature for the show - Radio 1’s Hot Mommas. Chris said that the show should run a competition to find the UK’s best piece of vintage bintage - veteran female listeners aged 38-49 who are not over the hill just yet. He decided the boundary should be stopped there despite Dave saying...
Dave - Radio 1 doesn’t do enough for the over 50’s!!
Chris promised to find listeners who sent in their photos 20-37 year old toyboys, especially those bored housewives who are married to big fat businessmen. Dave said that this was what you called a creative idea, despite the predictable sight of Rachel shaking her head at them both. She said they should write the idea down on a piece of paper, take it to Portugal, discuss it and then leave the piece of paper there.
Dave - We’ve developed a niche in the market Rach, you know nothing about radio
The automatic vintage bintage choices are Vorderman and Smilie, although Dave still isn’t sure about the former. Other definite members of the Hot Mommas 38-49 club already are Meg Ryan, Demi Moore, Elle McPherson and Liz Hurley.
Chris - Jo Whiley. She’d be on the list
Dave - She would be in that list
Chris - She would
Dave - Just
Chris - Eh?
Dave - She’d just make it
Chris - Oooh mate that’s bang out of order!! She’s well less than 50!! (laughs)
Dave (laughs too) - No no no. I mean the bottom end, not the top end so to speak
Dave said the theme tune to this highly offensive to some feature could be Hey Mama by The Black Eyed Peas (their new song Let’s Get It Started is brilliant btw - Chris played it today). Chris urged the older females listening to get their photos e-mailed over to chris.moyles@bbc.co.uk for him and Dave to judge in a Simon Cowell stylee. Chris trawled through the jingle pages on the computer system to find some clips of Cowell, he found them eventually on Scott Mills’s prank call pages. He repeatedly played them during the news and sport with Dom and Jules, eventually resulting in Dom screaming “Shut Up!!” at Cowell and abandoning a story to skip straight to the sport cos he couldn’t be bothered carrying on.

PADDY KIELTY LIVE ON THE PHONE:>>>

Paddy was live on the phone after 9 o’clock, initially just to talk about The Moyles Mile and his personal role in the campaign for Sport Relief. However it soon became clear that he was more interested in talking about Chris and Dave’s hot mommas feature, saying that he was very much enjoying “Milf Idol”. Chris and Dave laughed but said it was him who had said that, not them. Paddy said he’s quite into the older women but said he’d only tell Chris more about that when he was drunk. Fair enough. Sport Relief Day is on July 10th and couple of months back Nick Knowles, Victoria Beckham and Paddy himself all went on visits to Africa, Peru and India respectively, to walk a mile with underprivileged kids in those countries. Paddy won’t be running the mile on Sport Relief day though as he is undergoing other physical activity that night on the live TV show. However, he did say it would be very funny to watch Chris trying to run a mile after 3 weeks on the piss in Portugal. Chris said he’d been building up his upper body strength by cutting his garden - and told Paddy that he aims to complete “The Moyles Mile” in 15-30 minutes. He asked if Chris was having a laugh and said that he should be doing it in 5-10 minutes. He boasted about doing the 26 mile London Marathon in 9 minute miles (and no Rachel didn’t chip in at this point to say she’d run it too). Paddy said it was quite entertaining to see this whole “Moyles Mile” attempted but stressed that there were actually other places involved too. Leeds is currently in the top three for the number of registrations so far...
Chris - Belfast has one of the lowest amounts of applicants so far
Paddy - No we’re late starters in Belfast
Chris - Right OK
Paddy - We’re still in the pub talking about it, that’s the problem
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Chris tried to chat about Paddy’s new reported £8 million US TV deal but it was clear he wasn’t going to go down that road on the air...
Chris - Are we gonna go out then soon and you can tell me all about your big lucrative American deal?
Paddy - erm yes I will tell you all about that...that’s whenever you you bring me out to Portugal and entertain me on Radio 1’s expenses
Chris - It’s a terrible line, I can hardly hear you
Website - http://www.sportrelief.com

Juliette is going down to the Stella Artois championships at Queens today to interview Tim Henman, fresh from his French Open semi final last Friday. She originally went down there yesterday but was told that she had got the date wrong, it’s this afternoon at 4:30. Chris found this hilarious (as you might have guessed). She said she will ask him about his favourite cheese, favourite Back To The Future Movie and favourite “hot mommas” for Chris and Dave’s vintage bintage feature. She said she wouldn’t be able to get him to sing Henmania (i.e to the tune of Peter Andre’s Insania), but she said she’d try and find some fans there who would. Dom thinks that when she does, Chris should loop it, mix it down, release it and get it to number one - earning the team lots of cash in the process.
Dom - Would there be rights issues?
(pause)
Chris - You do live in your own little world don’t you Dominic?
Jules - He gets it from me
Chris (laughs) - I’m sorry to hear that Jules
Dave (laughs) - Blimey, what a partnership!!
Chris (laughing) - and I thought you just shared a printer
(Dom, Dave and Jules laugh)

RACHEL BIKINI FOR PORTUGAL UPDATE:>>>
She found two black ones that fit her yesterday. Chris said the offer to make her one from some string and two hammocks was still open if she needed one.

A BRILLIANT CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
SIMON a BMW technician from Saltash in Cornwall 2
HELEN a squeaky 34 year old accountant from Wellingborough 1

Daves Tedious Link
Supergrass Richard III - Supergrass have now made a Best Of album and in that respect share something in common with Queen - Queen Latifah is now an actress and recently starred in a film alongside Steve Martin - Steve Martin’s filmography includes lead roles in Father Of The Bride, The Man With Two Brains and The Three Amigos - Amigos is a Spanish word meaning friends - Friends the TV series is to spawn a Joey based spin off series entitled Joey - A joey is a type of baby kangaroo - Baby kangaroos are carried around in their mothers pouch - The word “pouch” shares many of the same letters as the word “poach”, which is something that concerns chefs and gamekeepers - Gamekeepers tend to be big fans of wax jackets - Jackets can also be found on potatoes - Potatoes are grown across much of the UK, including England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland - Scotland is the birthplace of Lulu - and Lulu featured on Take That’s 1993 hit single Relight My Fire - Which links us to Take That and Lulu and Relight My Fire

> Tuesday June 8th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Monday 7th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Monday, June 7 2004 by MC_]

1. Pink feat William Orbit - Feel Good Time 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 3. Kelis - Trick Me, 4. The Killers - Mr Brightside, 5. BUZZ OFF - Living In A Box - Living In A Box, 6. The Black Eyed Peas - Hey Mama 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Jakatta - American Dream, 8. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 9. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 10. Evanescence - Bring Me To Life 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Basement Jaxx - Romeo, 12. Kristian Leontiou - Story Of My Life, 13. J Kwon - Tipsy, 14. Keane - Everybody's Changing 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Eminem - Lose Yourself, 16. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 17. Blink 182 - I Miss You, 18. Supergrass - Richard III (Tedious Link), 19. Kanye West feat Syleena Johnson - All Falls Down, 20. Angel City featuring Lara McAllen - Touch Me, 21. The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army, 22. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Sean Paul - Get Busy, 24. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 25. Sugababes - Round Round

It seems the new king of the backtimers is young Wes Buttersby, who for some reason is still covering Early Breakfast this week - despite Nemone being back and presumably available for Radio 1 selection again. Wes finished his show five seconds early this morning but Chris refused to start until bang on 6:55. He said that if he started five seconds early every day, he’d have given Radio 1 a free show by the end of the year. Wes said he couldn’t hang around for any wacky DJ handover banter though, cos he had to get off and drive home before the congestion charge kicked in. Ahh, so now it makes sense why the team all get cabs into work each day...and it only took me five months to work that out - joy. Chris played the commentary of England’s goals from their brilliant 6-1 drubbing of Iceland on Saturday, yet he still somehow managed to turn it into a negative and slag the team off again. I will gratefully accept your ticket Chris if you don’t want to go to the games in Portugal. I think this is the best team England has had in a long while and we certainly have our best chance to win a major tournament since Euro 96...ahh, those were the glory days. Chris and co fly out to Lisbon on Thursday, the same day as the voting in the European and Regional elections. Because Chris won’t be there to vote in person, the form he received told him he could vote by proxy. He was unsure though:
Chris - and I’m like why do I want him to vote for me? He’s a DJ on Capital and a judge on Pop Idol. I don’t really know him that well and I don’t trust him...
Ber dum tish. Make sure to miss Fatboy Fox’s new show “No Talent Required” on ITV1 this Friday, I think the title of the show obviously refers to it’s presenter as well. On the plus side, Fantasy Football is back at ten with Baddiel and Skinner (yay). Back to the elections (I know - zzz), Chris sent off his form asking for a postal vote and then received a letter back asking him the same question - how would you like to vote? He’s now got a letter back saying that “Your request for a postal vote in these elections has not been granted as it was not received until after the closing date, 5pm on Wednesday 2nd June”. However, this letter was written on the 4th of June and he received it straight away the following morning - bizarre.
Dom - Who are you gonna vote for?
Chris - GHOSTBUSTERS!!!
Dom - OK (Dave and Jules laugh)
Dave was knackered this morning cos he got just 2 hours sleep last night. If Dave was in a bad mood then Rachel was in a thunderous one. She was tired, grumpy and very, very sleepy. Chris did an internal memo telling all staff to avoid her today, but she did one back saying that she loves everyone at Radio 1. Dominic’s weather was as reliable as ever - he said it would be warm everywhere in the UK today, apart from in the north of England. I listened to this as I lay in bed with the sun beating down through the curtains...and yep I do live in the north of England. Dom said he whacked a bit of factor 15 on his bald head yesterday. He said you can never be too sure. Chris said factor 15 was a lot better than the factor 50 or whatever Rach is taking with her to Portugal...
Dave - Isn’t factor 50 like more protection than a duffelcoat?
(Rachel, Dom and Chris laugh)
Rachel said that she doesn’t go on sunbeds as it’s bad for her skin (a positive role model for the kids), but she does stick on the odd bit of St Tropez now and again. She said she’s going to go and sort out her bikini problems tomorrow. Dave told her that she needs to mix and match - small bikini bottoms and a boulder holder bikini top and she’s laughing. Chris and Dave both volunteered to make her a makeshift bikini if she can’t find one that fits. Dave said it would be easy - just a couple of hammocks and some string. Chris said in all honesty he’s dreading seeing Rachel in her bikini...
Chris - No it’s just I don’t want to be tempted...
Rachel - What!!??
Chris - ...to become gay
(Dave laughs)


WES’S CHART RECAP, TEAM PICTURES AND CBBC TRAILS:
Just 50 or so minutes after finishing his show this morning, Wes was back on the air - but this time live from his bed in his Bungle Bear pyjamas. He said he had the flu, felt awful and shouldn’t have come into work today. Chris called him the Dot Cotton of Radio 1. Wes was making weird noises down the phone. Chris asked him what he was doing. He said he was just trying to get the phlegm out of his nose. I’m just so glad I wasn’t tucking into my coco pops at that point (coco pops for the purposes of this review obviously, I’m more of a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes Man myself). Chris apologised for only catching a bit of Wes’s Chart yesterday. He said he was busy down at the childrens orphanage at the time - donating teddies and presents etc.
Wes - Aww, what for charidee?
Chris - ...no I get paid an appearance fee
(Dave and Wes laugh)
Emma Bunton’s dreadful new tune Crickets Sing For Anamaria only entered the chart at number 15 this week. Chris said his girlfriend Sophie hates Emma Bunton. He thinks a lot of girls don’t like her for some reason. Rachel claimed she did but Chris wasn’t having any of it. Thank the lord that Frankee nor Eamon was number one this week, but lord give us strength cos it was Mario Winans and I Don’t Wanna Know. I mean the tune’s ok but it’s not really number one quality is it. I’m pretty sick of R’n’B and hip hop altogether at the moment. I really am gobsmacked that Radio 1 have that Cassidy and R. Kelly record A-listed...mind you I shouldn't be, Radio 1 have plenty more hip hop drivel where that came from. Evanescence’s new single Everybody’s Fool went in at number 24 in the Top 40 yesterday. Chris proceeded to slag them off and then looked down at the music schedule to find them next to play. I don’t mind Bring Me To Life to be fair, but it has been out for a year now and Radio 1 still seem to play it on an hourly basis. Chris cut it off at the end and blamed technical problems. The problem being that he hates the song so hit the “Stop” button. An e-mail came in from someone who had seen the following photo and been shocked by it:

Not because Uma Thurman is putting on her best impression of how to make an attractive woman look like a man, but because Dominic has no hair and doesn’t look like a student. This conversation led onto the team discussing the other online pictures of each of them. Chris and Rachel agreed the following shot of her is awful, and Jules hates the horrible profile shot of her below. Dave said he thinks it makes her look German.

(Rachel and Juliette - the photos they hate)
Dom said some new ones are desperately needed. He said the ones on the Newsbeat pages are taken like a minute before the bulletin when everyones rushing around, and then are up on the page for the next 5 years. He did a brilliant impression of this that had me in stitches (not literally of course). Dave thinks the team should get a soft focus family portrait shot of them all. Jules asked who the daddy would be (I seriously doubt if she’s ever sounded less hip). Chris said it would be him of course..”and don’t you forget it mo fo”. Chris played a trail at 8:23 for the CBBC Channel. He asked why he had been given it to play because the suits upstairs knew that he wasn’t just gonna ignore that patronising drivel. He said he knew where his head was at - “at the top of me neck son”. Who can forget Chris playing the legendary Pete Tong trails for CBBC last year...borderline genius. Chris did a very patronising link for the kiddies at 8:30 and him and Dom showed their ignorance to the trails as they tried to grasp what digital kiddies channels the BBC has and what shows are shown on them. Dom said him and son Finton often settle down to watch the bedtime hour on CBeebies together. Dave started annoying Chris in a conversation about maroon coloured Ford cars (I can’t remember how they got onto that) and Moyles told him that if he didn’t shut up he’d be off to CBBC Radio. One of the main entertainment stories of the morning was the fact that Jennifer Lopez has got married yet AGAIN. I’m not even gonna go into it further as no one cares and I’m sick of the fat arsed bimbo. However, Chris said he was invited to her latest wedding but couldn’t go unfortunately. He was cutting his garden and busy watching the CBBC channel y’see.

CHRIS’S GARDEN TROUBLE:>>>>
Chris is having major garden problems at the moment. Sophie is bugging him to get it sorted out as the grass hasn’t been cut for going on a year now and it has alarmingly grown to waist height. Chris said he’s going away on Thursday so needs a Ground Force style SAS crack team to come round and sort it out asap. Apparently Dimmock, Titchmarsh and co are unavailable. Dave can’t help out today cos he’s up to his neck with work and Rachel is going out later so can’t be of service either. Dave thinks that Chris should just get it paved and make it into a rockery. He doesn’t want too though as he says he’ll use it when he’s old and boring. One texter said “get a goat” and another suggested Chris got his garden astroturfed for a tenner per m/sq. Dave said he could then stick some goals in it and they could play five a side there. Surprisingly Chris wasn’t so keen on this idea either. Dave said that if he really is that desperate to stop the neighbours thinking he’s some kind of idle slob, then he needs to get hold of a large cover like they have at Wimbledon and just cover up his garden while he’s away. Chris said his garden was 60ft long though and asked Dave where he would go about getting such a huge cover from.
Dave - I dunno, speak to the tennis people...they’ll know
Chris said he didn’t own a tennis court though so didn’t need a cover. He again tried to tempt Rachel or Dave round this afternoon with an offer of free pims.
Dave - I don’t think it’s a good idea to combine the use of pims in the sunshine with a potentially lethal strimmer
I probably should explain at this point that Chris bought himself a cordless strimmer yesterday. He didn’t opt for the conventional one with a power lead as his dad once cut through such a lead by accident while hedge trimming, resulting in him being chucked the length of the garden on his back. I’ll have more on Chris’s gardening dilemma tomorrow no doubt.

Buzz Off this morning was Living In A Box by erm,..Living In A Box. It was a number 5 hit back in the month I was born (that’s April 87 fact fans). The text response was poor and it lasted for just 2 minutes and 20 seconds. Chris was very disappointed. He said Rachel must’ve been on glue to buzz after just 21 seconds (cue Dave’s pig squeal laugh). The listeners followed on 1:55, Dave was next on 2:17 and Dom last on 2:20. With just three days to go till the team head out to Portugal, Chris has realised that they all need England shirts with their names on the back. Chris Moyles (or the saviour) - extra large, Comedy Dave - large, Producer Rachel - ladies medium, and Aled - I don’t care cos I’m Welsh, are the sizes. This was obviously a blatant appeal to any sports shops or England sponsors listening. Chris told Rach he was too busy entertaining the nation to go and buy any for himself. Mmm yeah, I do believe those sports shops close at 10am these days Chris. Motorway Monday may have been back but Chris wasn’t happy with Dom’s One Road Travel. Chris presses the buttons and is given a cue by Dom, but Byrne often goes and adds an extra word on the end which therefore crashes the jingle. He did it a couple of times today and Chris wasn’t a happy bunny. Other stuff today included Hells Kitchen and Sport Relief chat. Chris is pleased Jennifer Ellison won Hells Kitchen last night - because she was the best chef of course. Nah only kidding, it’s cos she does have *Steve Lamacq voice* loverly knockers. 1100 people have now registered online for The Moyles Mile in Leeds, including top bald headed newsreader Dominic Byrne.
Chris - I’ve confirmed you now...not like in a priest or religious way
(Dave laughs)
Dave said his friend Willie Mac’s confirmation name is Columbus. Please bear in mind that we hadn’t even reached half time by this point. Chris tried to make people feel guilty for not registering as his Dad (who had a quadruple heart bypass last week if you’ve been on another planet) is going to walk the mile for Sport Relief. Chris moaned about the fact that Leeds is being beaten by both London and Manchester in terms of registration numbers. I can understand the latter but little old London Village eh? Shocking. Here’s the web address for registration details (Sport Relief is Saturday July 10th 2004 btw) - http://www.sportrelief.com.

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 15>>>>

(Winner Ian Llewelyn and Aled in Cardiff this afternoon)
PASSWORD - “Five days to kick off”
LOCATION - Eventually found in Cardiff on Scott Mills’ new afternoon show
ALED WEEKEND ROUND UP - Friday in Bristol, Saturday in Taunton and Sunday in Newquay (pics below)

Chris saw that pic from Newquay and said that Aled looked like a podgy pillock in that wet suit, complete with his huge thunder thighs. Aled told him to stop it and said that he burnt his face in the sun yesterday. To add to the misery, his hayfever kicked in real bad today. Mine is absolutely horrendous - it’s like I can’t even step outside without medication at the moment. As mentioned above, the klaxon didn’t go off till Scott Mills’ show today, on which Aled was found by winner Ian in Cardiff. He’ll undergo two more missions tomorrow so make sure you’re listening to Chris for any possible clues after 8.

SCOTT MILLS SONG AND INTERNAL PHONE FUN:>>>>

Yep, Scott finally got off that substitutes bench this afternoon and stepped into Coxy’s shoes for his brand new Radio 1 afternoon show from 3 - 5:45. Chris said that although Scott does steal his ideas from him (e.g his prank phone calls from the ones Chris did with Cameron from BB last year) and copies him by playing records, jingles and wearing headphones, the two of them are good friends and as a symbol of his friendship, Chris sang Scott a good luck song this morning. It was over the instrumental to Simply The Best by Tina Turner, and proclaimed Scott “as simply second best”.
Lyrics: You’re Simply Second Best,
Second Best to all the rest, second best to anyone etc etc
AND:
From now on you’re on every day, please just don’t take a holiday
Chris brought back a bit of afternoon nostalgia by going through the internal BBC phonebook after 9 o’clock this morning. Names given by the posh guy included Geraldine Cardboard, Ben Gallop, Sutcha Fatsy, Thomas Norton and Ingerfum instead of MC Hammer. Chris and Dave were so caught up in the hilarity of the last one that they forgot to say cancel, so the line rang and you could hear the panic in Chris’s voice as he quickly put the phone down. A few listeners names were suggested and there were also your obligatory rude ones - “Iva Bigun”, “Ben Dover”, “Ben Down”, “Hugh Jer-nockers” and “Norma Snockers”. Chris also did do the now legendary one....*puts on high pitched voice* - Fergus Dudley!!.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JEFF a Lloyds Bank Call Centre worker from Caerphilly with a fake horn 2
SCOTT who runs his own Internet business in Oxford 1

Daves Tedious Link
Rest Assured Treat Infamy - The word “infamy” is applied to people who are famous for doing bad things - A bad thing is the opposite of a “Good Thing”, which was a 1989 hit for the Fine Young Cannibals - Cannibals like to eat other people and cannibal tribes still exist in Papa New Guinea - A guinea was a type of old fashioned coin - The word “coin” shares many of the same letters as the word “loin”, which is a popular type of pork - The non eating of pork is something shared in common by both the Jewish and Muslim faiths - Faith was a 1987 hit for George Michael, who is of Greek descent, as is Nemone - Nemone is like a proper female runner, a bit like a modern day Zola Budd - Zola Budd is famous for not wearing shoes, as is Sandie Shaw - Sandie Shaw shares the same surname as Mark Shaw, who was the lead singer of Then Jericho, whose biggest hit was called Big Area - and when you think of a big area, you probably think of large estates with acres of land that were originally owned by Kings and Queens of Britain, such as William The Conqueror, King Harold and of course Richard III - Which links us to Supergrass and Richard III

CHRIS’S FLAW:
*A loin is a cut of pork, not technically a type of pork

> Monday June 7th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

(Word Count is 3258 today - I’m not purposely making these reviews longer I promise, it’s just that the shows are so good at the moment!!)

Chappers & Dave Show #4 - Sat 5th June 04 (MC) [Posted Saturday, June 5 2004 by MC_]



1. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 2. Ultrabeat - Pretty Green Eyes, 3. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out, 4. Jay Sean feat Rishi Rich Project - Eyes On You, 5. Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You, 6. The Killers - Mr Brightside 1:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Kelis - Trick Me, 8. Jaimeson - Complete, 9. Ash - Orpheus, 10. Usher feat Ludacris - Yeah, 11. Supergrass - Kiss Of Life, 12. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 13. Jamelia - Thank You, 14. Muse - Sing For Absolution, 15. Baby D - Let Me Be Your Fantasy (Sporting Number One), 16. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 17. Eminem - Without Me, 18. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 2:30 NEWSBEAT 19. N-Trance - Set You Free, 20. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 21. Deepest Blue - Is It A Sin, 22. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 23. Nelly Furtado - Try, 24. Natasha Bedingfield - Single

This was show number four of Dave and Chappers summer season, and without a doubt it was the funniest so far. Mainly because they had stories galore to tell from the last few days, most of which involved Dave in somewhat embarrassing situations. More on those later. First Dave dropped in on Vernon’s show for another attempt at his Head Jam (see previous Chappers and Dave reviews down the page for more on that). It was third time lucky for Vitty, who employed his memory voyage technique to get all eight answers correct and in the correct order. His challenge for next week is to set Vernon a little quiz of his own, which for Dave (a man of many crap quiz formats as we’ve found out through the years) should be no problem at all. Mark joined Dave at one o’clock as the show kicked off - both were completely knackered after a long old busy, enjoyable and eventful day at Epsom yesterday. They were enjoying the lovely Vodafone hospitality on the top of a big open top bus, with last weeks 3 And In winner Cassandra and her crew of fellow teachers, family and friends. Both Dave and Chappers really enjoyed themselves, as did producer Neil who had a head like a tomato afterwards. It’s fair to say he is pale skinned and susceptible to sunlight (cue the shouts of “move on!!” from the background). Dave thanked Liz, Cheryl and Mark for helping them out yesterday. Part of the whole deal was to have a top tipster on the bus, although Dave said they only ended up in getting a tipsy tipster in Mark. Neil and Dave backed two winners and Chappers just the one. Mark has backed Salford City in the derby at 4:20 today, while Dave has gone for the favourite Snow Ridge. After the hour and a half drive back from Epsom to London late yesterday afternoon, everyone poured (excuse the pun) into the local pub for a pint. Dave left early to go and meet Emma. Chappers told him that when he left the boozer, all the girls started talking about him (as you do behind someones back when they leave). Mark said there was one girl who found him unentertaining but beddable, and one who found him very entertaining but not beddable. Chappers was wondering which of those two categories Dave would most prefer to be in. He said he couldn’t say cos Emma was listening, but that almost certainly means it was the first one. Chappers also learned in the pub last night that you should never try and refer to a girl as “chunky”, it just doesn’t work. Not that he was trying to get it to work of course. He’s a happily married man an all that don’t forget.



There were very few technical difficulties again this week, only a couple of mix ups in communication and one news intro where you could’ve fit a bus through the gap between Dave’s cue and Chappers’ jingle. Interestingly there was no Record Of The Week this week, I’m not sure whether they just forgot to do it or whether they have permanently dropped it as a feature now. 3 And In was still on though, and was won this week by Martine, who’s won tickets to go see 50 Cent perform at Rockingham tomorrow. Chappers thought that the competition ran very smoothly and he now even thinks it’s better than The Vault with Melanie Sykes. Well it’s certainly easier to understand anyway. This weeks Sporting Number One was a corker too. It was Baby D and Let Me Be Your Fantasy from 1994 when Raith Rovers beat Celtic on penalties to win the Scottish Coca Cola Cup Final at Ibrox. It was picked by Raith fan Jurgen (he was Scottish, ignore the name) who said it’s the only trophy Raith have ever won in their history. As well as playing the record from Baby D, Chappers also played the commentary of Raith keeper Scott Thompson saving the decisive penalty from Paul McStay in shootout. Both Chappers and Dave had a case of the croaky throat when back announcing this weeks Sporting Number One. Dave blamed Chappers for passing it on to him...
Dave - It’s catching
Chappers - God we’re sounding great today
Dave - Aren’t we. Hello girls...
(Neil and Chappers laugh)

WAYNE ROONEY ON THE SHOW:

Two days ago Dave and Chappers headed up to Manchester one afternoon to interview Dave’s hero, Mr Wayne Rooney. Chappers said it was pretty sad to see a grown man of thirty getting so weak kneed over an eighteen year old lad, but Dave said it was understandable in this situation. He said he was genuinely star struck by meeting Wayne, thanking both him and his agent for being very nice and looking after both him and Mark. No Everton questions were allowed, it was all England stuff, but that didn’t mean the questions were any less sycophantic to be honest. Some of them were just bloody awful to tell the truth, with Chappers just as much of a culprit as Dave. Subjects discussed included Euro 96, Euro 2004 (*shock horror*), Thierry Henry, France, Usher (his choice of artist for motivational pre match music), EA Sports Euro 2004 game, sharing rooms on away trips and that Tiger Woods Golf game for the PS2. It’s probably best if you hear the interview for yourself, just click here (note: you’ll need a Real One player).

DAVE’S TOILET TROUBLE (IT’S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS):>>>>
After interviewing Wayne and stopping off for a couple of beers in Manchester, Chappers, Dave and producer Neil got back on board the Virgin train to London. Dave went for a pee after about 20 minutes of the journey (as you do) but little did he know at the time that he would return so embarrassed about what happened that he wouldn’t be able to share the story with anyone else until a couple of days later. He said it was more a word of advice than a funny story actually. Basically, Virgin trains have got new high fangled modern toilet systems, with open and close buttons and arching doors in the loos. Dave was there mid flow, doing his business and whistling away, when suddenly the door to his toilet was thrust open by a middle aged businessman in a suit. Dave had made the mistake of not hitting the “lock” button instead of the close one, and the button was now too far away from him for him to reach it. The design of the new toilets also meant he was directly facing the door, so therefore revealed himself to this businessman and the rest of the facing carriage opposite. Dave said the “situation was in hand” (as you were) and he wasn’t too keen to talk about his full frontal nudity being exposed in such a way at first. This very funny story crashed the text system as hundreds and hundreds of responses were sent in. One bloke said an old woman accidentally opened his toilet booth on a Virgin train the other week. She didn’t hide like this businessman did though, she stopped to say hello. Vitty said he was just pleased that the train wasn’t any busier than it was.

There was also another quality urine based story from yesterday’s trip to Epsom. High brow entertainment from the BBC don’t forget. There were no toilet facilities on the open top bus that took them back to London, so their tipster Chris decided to relieve himself over the top of the bus. He unzipped himself while still holding a glass of white wine in his hand, then as the bus suddenly jolted, the wine flew and hit Dave, who turned around to see Chris’s fly undone. He therefore presumed...(yep you’ve got it)...that Chris had just relieved himself all over him. Genius.

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 13>>>>


PASSWORD - “Benitez, Benitez, Benitez”
LOCATION - Outside the county hall in Taunton
CLUES - He was standing outside the county hall in a town sitauted roughly 50 miles from Bristol (where he was yesterday + last night) and the town is twinned with somewhere in Germany (although on the t’interweb it says it’s twinned with Lieux in Northern France). The Duke Of Monmouth was proclaimed king in this town in June 1685 and this place was the first town or city in the area to be permanently lit by electricity in 1885.
WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - Eventually Dan arrived with the correct password and goes through to next Thursday’s airport final with Chris, where he could be joining all the breakfast team, Chappers, Spoony and the other hangers on from Radio 1 on that plane to Portugal. Chappers said no doubt half the marketing department will need to go just to put up a banner or summat. Earlier on people were driving straight past Aled and tooting without stopping. Aled interpreted that as meaning either one of two things - they didn’t know the password or that they fancied him (cue much hilarity from the assembled studio massive).
Chappers - Well don’t blow your own trumpet
Dave - Well if he could do that he’d never have to leave the house, d’ya know what I mean?
To help give the listeners some idea of who they were looking for, Dave asked Aled to describe what he was wearing. He said he had on blue jeans and a small black (Armani) t-shirt. No River Island for him then.
Chappers - A small black t-shirt?
Dave - What like a crop top?
(Chappers and Producer Neil laugh)
More here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chrismoyles/wheresaled

NEWS TEASERS:>>>>
1. Which celebrity did Producer Neil play poker with this week?
A. Norman Pace
2. Which Radio 1 DJ famously while drunk once purchased a lifetimes supply of carpet shampoo despite living in a flat covered entirely in wooden floors?
A. Scott Mills (who else could it have been?)

NEXT WEEKS SHOW
Will be coming live from Radio 1’s big villa in Lisbon as Euro 2004 gets ready to kick off. There’s plenty of top guests not yet guaranteed, possibly including someone called Chris Moyles hanging around in the background? One thing Mark and Dave are launching though is a poster campaign that can only be referred to as shameless self publicity. In the same vein as Soccer AM’s Save Chip (Don’t Let Sarah Win!!!) campaign, Dave and Chappers have had posters put up of themselves online. They want you to print them out and take them to any Euro 2004 games you are attending this year - then hold them up of course!! It’ll never work but fair play to em for trying. You can see and print the poster out by clicking here.


> Chappers and Dave Show 5th June - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Friday 4th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Friday, June 4 2004 by MC_]

1. No Doubt - It’s My Life 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Eminem - Without Me, 3. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 4. Kelis - Trick Me, 5. BUZZ OFF - INXS - Mystify, 6. Jurgen Vries feat Andrea Britton - Take My Hand 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Nelly - Hot In Herre, 8. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 9. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 10. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now, 12. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 13. CHRIS MOYLES - Eamon/Frankee F*** This Song Parody, 14. Peter Andre - Insania 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move, 16. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 17. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 18. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out, 19. Rest Assured - Treat Infamy (Tedious Link), 20. Outkast - Roses, 21. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 22. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. PARODY - Dale Winton’s 99 Problems, 24. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 25. NORE - Nothing, 26. Nelly Furtado - Powerless, 27. Faithless - Mass Destruction

Chris said the handovers with Wes at 6:55 are now like Carry On movies on the talkback system - hellooo, are you ready for it?, do you want it?, shall I give it to you?, I’m gonna hit the knob now, will you press yours at your end?, here it comes, hold on tight...and so on and so forth. Chris said all he wants is control of the bloody network. Wes has now got a new job as Chris’s gardener btw. Chris said the weeds in his garden are up to waist height, and as Wes quite likes to garden he’s perfect for the job. Dave said you could have a game of Where’s Wes when he goes in there. Chris has offered to pay for Wes’s service (good mornin) - a tenner for two hours. This time next week the show will be coming live from Radio 1’s Lisbon villa in Portugal, and Chris and Dave can’t wait. Dom and Jules have to stay “back home” to read the news and sport in London, so cue Chris playing the England 1970 World Cup squad and Back Home. He even created new lyrics to suit Dom and his bald head. Chris reminded everyone that it’s gonna be work not a holiday over there, sometimes even till..god, maybe 11 o’clock or midday. Rach was tucking into a donut at 7:44 and spilt a little bit down her top. Chris told her not to have a go at him when she’s lying by the pool in her bikini in Portugal, embarrassed to have her stomach showing. She said she’s actually having a bit of bikini trauma at the moment, she can’t find one to fit her. Chris said that was because her waist is getting smaller but her breasts stay the same size. He said it was actually similar to himself, whose waist is getting larger...and whose breasts are getting larger.
Dave (to Rach) - You wanna speak to boulder-holder or whatever and get some stuff sent over
(Chris laughs)
Rach - Don’t laugh, this is a big issue for me!!
Dave - Well a very big issue
(Dom laughs then stops abruptly) Dom - Sorry
Rach (laughing & sounding cute) - Shut up Dom
Buzz Off today was a significant improvement on yesterday’s Grandmaster Flash instrumental fiasco. Chris chose the quality Mystify by INXS - number 14 in April 1989. Everyone buzzed in right at the end of the song - Dave, Dom, Rach and then the listeners. They had all been air drumming along to that off the air, which meant they didn’t talk all the way through the song on the air (hurrah).


WHEN DOM MET RACQUEL:
So as I mentioned yesterday, Ben Affleck has bronchitis and isn’t doing any promotion for his new film Jersey Girl as a result. Dominic was due to interview him yesterday but was offered Racquel Castro as a replacement - she’s the 9 year old girl who plays his daughter in the movie. Dom said the film’s ok and a bit sad and poignant (i.e it’s sh*te and over emotional). Because of the lateness of the switch, Dom had only prepared questions for Ben and Racquel played along by answering them at first, trying to put on a masculine type of voice. Dom thought after a few he’d stop though, as he would risk annoying both her and the film company if he carried on.
Dom - So I thought we’d sort of ask her proper questions...not obviously related to the film...
Chris - Right
Dom - ...but y’know just stuff generally
Racquel was really nice but did have an irritating way of saying “thank you”, that Chris obviously took the pee out of. Dom gave her a Euro 2004 sticker book as a present (every young American girls dream gift) although had to take back the first sticker she opened (Ashley Cole) as he said he only needed two England players now and he was one of them. He said he felt slightly guilty afterwards. Her other present was some HP Daddies sauce, which she said was “so cool!!”. Her favourite cheese answer was that American stuff you put on egg McMuffins, and she recorded Chris some drops as both herself and Ben Affleck.

(Racquel as Gertie Trinke with Jersey Girl co-stars Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck)
Dom and Dave started laughing during Juliette’s sports news at 8:30 for no apparent reason today. They said it was because they had noticed in a clip of Spurs chairman Daniel Levy, that he has one of those soft London r’s that Dom often takes the mick out of - basically like Jonathan Ross.
Dom - I’m not laughing generally at people with speech impediments
Chris (sounded disgusted) - Oh for god’s sake, oh for god’s sake, that pees me off that does...I missed it, can we hear it again?
When Dom played the clip second time around, everyone started laughing and speaking like Daniel - e.g “wight, it’s time to play another wecord”. Jules was laughing so much that she even fell off her chair. There was a little cameo appearance from Greyhead Will Kinder too today. He came in at around 8:50 to assist Rachel, who had to dash off after about 9:20 to some important BBC meeting. Chris played the old awards ceremony Big Blubber music and complete with reverb, Will made a little speech about his return. He said it was nice to be here. Chris did the “well with your agent, it’s nice to be anywhere” line. Will and Dave argued about how drunk they each were last night. They were in the pub with Jamesie, Alan and Tim from Accounts. Chris was a bit peed off that no one even thought of ringing him. They’re all out again tonight for Jon Culshaw’s birthday party. Jules and Ben Cooper have been invited but Dom and Rachel haven’t. Jon turned 36 on Wednesday.

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 12>>>>


PASSWORD - “Mums gone to Iceland”
ALED + CHRIS VIDEO PHONE STUFF - Aled said he didn’t reply to Chris’s video message last night cos his phone had run out of battery. Chris sent his last message from on the toilet, which was a private joke made not so private by Aled blabbing about it on the air.
Dave (sounding horrified) - You videod yourself on the toilet and sent it to Aled?

ALED UPSETS EVERYBODY: Mr Ego Aled refused to give out any clues to his location at 8:15, which was obviously pre planned but Chris and Dave still played along as if they were actually shocked. Dave told Aled that they dictate when the clues are given, not him. Basically, in an attempt to get people to listen to Radio One for longer in the day, the competition is now not exclusive to Chris’s show and the klaxon could go off at any time of the day. I think everyone knew about this cos just a couple of hours later Chris and Aled were both on brand new sweepers and trails saying something along the lines of “Your chance to win could be in this hour so keep listening!!”. The texters fell for it though and texted in in disgust at Aled’s behaviour - “get him his P45”, “I’ll be at work then”, “what a door handle head’ etc. One even said “the ego has landed”, although Chris said that that landed a long time ago. Dave said thanks to Aled for leaving them paddling around at prime time. If you really want to know, Aled turned up later in Bristol on Jo Whiley’s show.
TEXT WINNER - Karl was the lucky texter called back by Chris to qualify for the big Euro 2004 airport final on Thursday. He was randomly selected from all the people that correctly guessed Aled’s location this week, before anyone found him in person. To enter next weeks draw then just text WA (for Where’s Aled), then a space, where you think he is, another space and then your name and town, and send it to 81199. E.g “WA Glasgow Claire in Brighton”. Your last chance to play will be this Wednesday.

**At 8:20 Chris talked about the jingles made with Jonathan Pearce for this feature. He hated the awful pirate radio style echo that each had been given. Chris messed about with the studio EQ to get the same sort of effect on his voice and then did some genius impressions of pirate radio ads, promoting various club nights with DJ’s and sponsors you’ve never heard of. It’s better if you hear it for yourself as it doesn’t really lend itself much to a review. Skip to around 1 hr 26min in by clicking here (only if your reading this before Friday June 11th though). Rachel looked a little bit bemused.
Chris - Don’t look at me like I’m insane...or even (cheesy local radio voice)...don’t look at me like I’m insania!!
(starts Peter Andre and Insania) Rach - Aaah!! Aaah!! (laughs)
Dave - Oh My God!! Oh My God!!
Chris - What?
Dave - That was the worst link ever**

POST 9 O’CLOCK FUN:
The show was pretty fantastic after 9 o’clock this morning, I don’t know if it was anything to do with the fact that (as Dave would say) the show is “less formulaic” after 9, but I do know that it was very funny indeed. Dave did the “weady to wamble” half time intro and the fun and games began. Chris has a photoshoot today and has annoyingly double booked himself. He was meant to have an appointment with Davina’s mad marine trainer y’see, but has had to put it off till a later date. Dave asked him if the trainer was going to be like those two short, fat lumpheads who took them once on Gym Idol back in 2002 (after Gym Lady Jane had left the show). Chris said he didn’t think so. Rachel asked Chris why he hasn’t being going to see the personal trainer at the gym he joined in January. His answer was fairly straightforward - cos he’s from New Zealand. Then (as usual) a conversation began about mixing up Aussies and Kiwis, and how they get such a bee in their bonnet if you do. Chris said he didn’t hate the Aussies and Kiwis or anything, but just this particular guy’s accent drives him up the wall...
Chris (talking about Aussies and Kiwis) - But we love you all!! You’re more than welcome to share our lovely land!
Dave - Yeah, cos we’re all from the same stock originally. It’s just a fact that they were largely exported criminals
(Chris laughs)
Rachel asked what the hell they were going on about. Chris said everybody is from the same stock originally if you think about it - cos we’re all from dinosaurs. Chris said everyone (whether white, black, gay, straight, male, female) is from dinosaurs...apart from the French. They’re from a different species entirely. Chris did his usual stereotypical stripy jumpered, onions round the neck French impressions and Dave said that we should all just unite in our common interests and hate the French. Rachel said they couldn’t say that (well it’s never stopped them before let’s face it).
Dave - Rachel, this kind of borderline racism is acceptable at the moment cos of the football!!!
Rach - No it’s not!!
Chris - Yes it is!!!
Dave - This is all about Euro 2004 right. It’s everybody against everybody, we don’t take any prisoners!!
Chris - Yeah! Seriously, what have the French got that’s better than what we’ve got? (pause)
Dave - Motorways are better
Chris - Right motorways are better yeah, right, but seriously what else?
Dave - Service stations are better
Chris - Fine
Rach - Shops
Dave - Clothes
Chris - Right fashion wise yes, they have that
Dave - Yeah
Rach - Food and wine
Chris (joining in) - Restaurants, general attitude, chilled outness, the fact they all like a drink
Dave - Weather
Rach - Warmer
Dave - Beaches
Rach - Cannes Film Festival
Dave - Sunshine
Chris - Yeah but apart from all that?
Dave - The Alps
Chris (again joining in) - EuroDisney. I mean they’ve got Mickey Mouse, we’ve got Tony Blair..y’know what I mean? Eh, a bit of politics wahey!! (Chris and Dave laugh)..see you next week
Dave - Topical humour!!
Chris said it’s a good job they’ll be well away from the French in Portugal (erm - not when we play them you won’t Chris). He said he was only joking though and said he actually likes the French...it’s those Belgians he can’t stand. He again said he was only joking about that but Dave butted in:
Dave - No I’m with you on this one. At least the French are proper French, the Belgians aren’t really sure what they are!!
Rach - I like everyone
So in one very funny but foul mouthed link, Chris and Dave managed to upset the French, the Belgians, the Aussies and the Kiwis. Good going even by their high standards.


FUN WITH SOUND EFFECTS:>>>>
All the stuff about the French made Chris even more keen to go for a day out at EuroDisney in Paris. Dave said surely Alton Towers would be the cheaper option. Chris agreed and said they should go now. He backed off the mic and played the sound effect of a door shutting. He then kept reopening the door to come back in for car keys and to open windows etc.
Dave (laughs) - Fun with sound effects!!
Eventually Dave “went outside” with Dave. Chris said he couldn’t get the car started so would have to go by motorbike instead. He played in the sound effect of the engine revving up and asked Dave if he was alright in that sidecar. The laughter from Dave and Greyhead at this point was fantastic. Chris told Dave to mind that ambulance and he played in the siren effect.
Dave - I tell ya what, he’s not gonna sell many ice creams going at that speed is he!! (Chris and Will laugh)
Chris and Dave were both loving Beverley Knight’s new single Come As You Are when Chris played it this morning. Moyles said that he loves a record with a big horn in it (if you pardon the expression). He wasn’t quite so complimentary about the new Jurgen Vries one though, although I thought that was a bit harsh as I really like that song. Other tunes played out today included replays of both yesterday’s already popular parodies - Dale Winton doing Jay-Z (so to speak) and Chris singing about Eamon and Frankee. At the end of the show Greyhead said hello to his girlfriend Annabelle, who’s leaving her job today after 8 years of working for this company. The team gave a round of applause.
Chris - Those lap dancing jobs don’t last forever do they?
Will - They don’t (Chris starts Faithless)

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
TOM a Tescos maintenance engineer from Dartford 2
DANNY a lorry driver from Bedford who called Chris “Steve” 0

Daves Tedious Link
All Saints I Know Where It’s At - As well as being the name of a now defunct girl group, All Saints is also a popular name for a church - Church first name Charlotte is a famous Welsh woman and in that respect shares something in common with Sian Lloyd - Sian Lloyd shares one name with Lloyd Grosman, who is mates with David Frost from their days on Through The Keyhole - Keyhole is a word that links locksmiths and surgeons - If you add a T to the word “surgeon” you get sturgeon, which is a type of fish responsible for caviar - Caviar is very expensive and is often served with champagne - Champagne is named after a region in France - France is much bigger than the UK, as is Canada, Nigeria and Argentina - Argentina was the home of Eva Peron, who was a central character in the film Evita - Evita sounds a bit like Ryvita, which is a type of crackerbread - Bread is a popular form of Breakfast throughout much of Europe - and Europe is a top destination for British holidaymakers, who just like to sit back, relax and be somewhere where “rest is assured” - Which links us to Rest Assured and Treat Infamy

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOW OF THE WEEK: Friday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: BB impressions, Moyles rings dad, Luurve sandwich link (Tuesday), Eddie text and Japanese commentary (Wednesday), Buzz Off fiasco, Carpark Catchphrase and new parodies (Thursday) and Daniel Levy impressions, pirate radio chat, borderline racist link about the French and sound effect fun (all today). Don’t forget you can Listen Again to all four of the weeks shows by following the Listen Again links from R1’s Chris Moyles mini-site.

THE END OF VICKY MARSDEN ON RADIO 1:>>>>

Yep, Vicky bowed out after 4 years at Radio 1 this morning. By far the most underrated presenter on the station and one constantly ignored for decent daytime and weekend shifts in favour of such dullards as Spoony and (to a lesser extent) Nemone. I’m not quite sure where she’ll go next but fellow Vicky fans I’ll let you know if and when I find out. Consistently funny and entertaining, she ended with the theme tune to the Littlest Hobo and her final words were simply “Bye” after the final 4am handover with Wes.

> Friday June 4th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

- By the way that was a record 3059 word review!! Phew, please get me a drink someone...

Thursday 3rd June 2004 (MC) [Posted Thursday, June 3 2004 by MC_]

1. Outkast - Hey Ya 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 3. Beyonce Knowles feat Sean Paul - Baby Boy, 4. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 5. BUZZ OFF - Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel - White Lines (Don’t Don’t Do It), 6. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. The Darkness - Growing On Me, 8. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 9. CHRIS MOYLES - Eamon/Frankee F*** This Song Parody, 10. Ash - Orpheus 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Britney Spears - Toxic, 12. Kelis - Trick Me, 13. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 14. Dido - Life For Rent 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 16. Jennifer Lopez feat Ja Rule - Ain’t It Funny (Remix), 17. PARODY - Dale Winton’s 99 Problems, 18. Jay-Z - 99 Problems, 19. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out, 20. All Saints - I Know Where It’s At (Tedious Link), 21. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 22. J Kwon - Tipsy, 23. The Thrills - Santa Cruz (You’re Not That Far), 24. Supergrass - Kiss Of Life 9:30 NEWSBEAT 25. DMX - X Gonna Give It To Ya, 26. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 27. The Killers - Mr Brightside

Chris was feeling a bit sniffly at the start of the show this morning. He was getting irritated by the fact that one of his nostrils was blocked up and the other one was unblocked. Dave said that they always switch over when you’re sleeping, although one texter said that this was untrue as they switch automatically every 4 hours. Cue a fascinating early morning discussion on blocked nostrils. Chris and Dave were tucking into some chip butties at five to seven. Chris didn’t know what was more ridiculous - the fact that they’d been sent chip butties at five to seven, or the fact that they were actually eating them. Dave said that they weren’t quite done properly though and claimed that he was getting indigestion. Yesterday lunchtime day producer Will gave Chris some preview copies of a few new Xbox games to take home and try out. Chris played on them all afternoon. They included a snooker game, an indie car game and an MTV Music Generator game. This allows you to remix certain tracks by changing all of the different elements within them - bass, BV’s, drums, vocals etc. Chris said it was a slow process but very fulfilling when you’ve finished. There are tracks on there from Snoop Dogg and Outkast, but Chris spent two hours remixing Get Busy by Sean Paul. Dave called him Fatboy Fat. Chris said that he should really have dubbed off his mix and brought it into the show to play on the air. My perfect remix of that track would be to lower all volume levels to zero and then leave it there - perfect. After his afternoon Xboxing, Chris lounged around and watched loads of telly last night. He thought Big Brother was hilarious cos Marco was crying his eyes out in the diary room. I didn’t see it cos I was out watching the new Harry Potter film...rock n roll. Not that I’d have been watching anyway of course because I’ve promised not to watch BB this year *cough*. Dave didn’t see the show either last night so Dom got Chris the audio of Marco crying and he played it out on the air. Chris thought it was funny that the camp Big Brother was the one Marco was chatting to. When Marco said that he felt a bit alienated, Chris said “you should be used to that by now weirdo”. My thoughts exactly. Dave said that if Dom was more camp then he wouldn’t be a million miles away from Marco. Dom denied it. Chris said Marco and Aled were pretty similar in their levels of campness though:
Aled - Oh come on, there’s camp and then there’s camp
(Chris laughs)
Dom said that if they were talking about lookilikeys, Mike Skinner on the front of this months Jockey Slut magazine is a dead ringer for Dave. Dave wasn’t having any of it. Jockey Slut is a music magazine btw and not some kind of specialist publication. Chris said he found the Marco clip funny cos he likes laughing at other peoples despair, it makes him feel better. His girlfriend Sophie said she saw a guy trip over the kerb the other day. Dave said that is always good cos people turn back in disgust at the offending paving stone as if it wasn’t their fault. Rachel said that she trips over a lot when she’s walking and it isn’t a laughing matter. Chris said it was and added that she only trips over a lot cos she’s ditsy and gormless. Later on he also said that she was ugly and sexist (surely a case of pots and kettles if ever there was one). This was because she told him to play Dido and referred to her song as “one for the ladies”. Chris said that that comment implied Dido records were only enjoyed by thirty year old ugly single women who secretly deep down hate all men. A tad harsh methinks. Buzz Off this morning was a bit of a disaster to say the least. Chris chose to play Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel with White Lines (Don’t Don’t Do It), which hit it’s peak UK chart position of number 7 back in July 1984. Dave said he’d always thought the record was rubbish, even when Duran Duran covered it, and he was first to buzz off after just 33 seconds. The song continued on without any vocals and Dave asked Chris if it was a 12 inch mix. Chris thought it was the original. He couldn’t check it off the air beforehand cos the others would have heard it. Rachel buzzed on 1:19 and Dom on 1:24, mainly due to the lack of any singing. This eventually came in with just over a minute left so Chris used the listeners vote to buzz it off after 1 minute 50. Dave felt as though he’d been cheated out of a Buzz Off track and demanded Chris picked another tune from the NOW compilation in front of him. He started playing a bit of one...
Dave - It’s a democracy
Chris - No, it’s Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Chris took it off more or less straight away cos of timings, although Dave and Dom wanted to hear more. Chris played a trail and Snow Patrol and made his first station ID at 7:27 (that means the first time he said “Radio 1”). That means he did over half an hour of the show without mentioning what station he was broadcasting on, which is something I doubt you’d normally find on any station in the UK (particularly your local tin pot channels anyway).


GETTING READY FOR PORTUGAL AND WHEN DOM MEETS DOESN’T MEET BEN:
As the show hit the air today, the story about the UK’s air traffic control system failing was just breaking. Although it was only down for an hour or so, Chris was wondering what would happen if the team had to drive to Lisbon next week and not fly there. Rachel thought it would be too claustrophobic and a complete nightmare. Dave agreed, and added that they would need to set off now if they wanted to make it over there on time. This time next week it’s the big airport final and Rachel has been shopping for her suncream. She’s got factors 25 and 30, which Chris found shocking. As Dave would say “safety first”. Rach claimed that she was an English rose and would burn out there. Chris did a funny impression of what he thinks she’ll be like by the pool next week. With just over a week to go till England play France in their opening Euro 2004 match, the St Georges flags are coming out of windows and are on pubs and cars across the country. Chris said it’s really exciting when football mania strikes like that, but he doesn’t half get sent some crap merchandise. The latest piece is the official singing England lion, whose left paw you press to hear him chant “Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, England!!!”. Dave found it quite disturbing and said it sounded like the chipmunks were chanting it.
Dave - If that’s the official product, imagine some of the muck that’s on the market. D’ya know what I mean?
(Dom, Jules and Chris laugh)
Chris played Ja Rule and fat arsed Lopez and got on to the subject of one of her ex Ben Affleck. Dom was meant to interview Ben today about his and J. Lo’s new film Jersey Girl, released in the UK on June 18th. Unfortunately though, Ben has the bronchitis and won’t be able to meet Dom today.
Chris - I hate the bronchitis
Rachel - Isn’t that where J. Lo’s from?
Dave - No she’s from the Broncs
guh huh. In Ben’s absence, Dom has been offered another member of the cast to interview. It’s not J. Lo though, nor that hot piece of ass Liv Tyler, it’s 9 year old Racquel Castro who plays Jen and Ben’s daughter in the film. Dom is meeting her later today, armed with his full set of questions for Ben. Chris said it will be interesting to hear her responses when Dom asks her “Do you miss Jennifer Lopez’s big fat bottom?” and “How was it for you working with Matt Damon on Good Will Hunting?”. Tune in tomorrow for the answers.

(Ben who Dom won’t be interviewing, and Racquel who he will)
Chris has got a photoshoot today (he couldn’t say what for) so is trying on a few new suits later. Dave said that slightly worryingly he can now fit back into one of his old suits. He thinks he needs a new one though. Chris said he should get a tailor to come and measure him up - not John, Roger or Andy Taylor though. Other stuff today included Chris dropping a pile of cassettes in the middle of a news bulletin, Dave and Chris thinking a trail for The Rock Show with Mary Anne Hobbs said “We’ll be having sex with Metallica” when it actually said “We’ll be having sets from Metallica” and Chris boring us all to death with more corporate Sport Relief stuff.

TWO NEW PARODIES:>>>>
It’s been quite a bit since Chris’s last parody, so it was no surprise when two new ones turned up on the same show this morning. The first was Chris’s take on the Eamon - Frankee saga that has now occupied top spot in the charts since about 1984. Finally it looks like we’ll have a new number one this weekend (admittedly that Mario Winans sh*te), but Chris saw it as a cause for celebration and sang a song in tribute. It’s not his best parody ever by a long way, but it’s sentiments are what I agree with most. I have transcripted the full lyrics by hand and in time I will transfer them onto computer and e-mail them over to Chris Harris, who’ll add them to the Lyrics page of the site. For now though, here’s the parody’s chorus:
(Chorus - sung by Moyles to tune of Eamon’s F**k It)
F*ck your songs,
They don’t mean sh*t now,
We don’t give a f*ck if you’re having a row,
It’s all so fake and we don’t believe,
So just f*ck off,
We want you to leave
Chris is not the first Radio 1 DJ to have done a parody of this of course. Colin and Edith have done one exchanging insults to each other (it’s quite funny) and you can hear it here or watch a specially made video for the song here.

(Images taken from the Colin versus Edith video)
The second parody of the day was Dale Winton’s unique take on 99 Problems by Jay-Z. If you recall last week, I thought Chris might get Culshaw in to record it but wondered if he was too big for all that now. I am glad to say the answer is no as Culshaw did record a version of it. Granted, it’s only 48 seconds long but it’s still funny. Same rules apply as for the above one - I will e-mail the lyrics over for Harris to put up on the lyrics page (give me some time though). The best line:
Dale Winton rapping - All I ask of you is one simple thing, get down yo mother and kiss my ring

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 11>>>>

(Aled and today’s winner Chris outside Belfast City Hall)
PASSWORD - “Aled, let’s drive to Portugal”
LOCATION - Outside Belfast City Hall in...(you’ve got it)...Belfast!!
CLUES - In a city, my flight time from yesterday was one hour and I’m standing next to some gates. Unused Clues - They finished building the Titanic here, the local library was established in 1788 and this city achieved it’s city status in 1888.
WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - Spurs fan Chris Stevenson, a chatty electrician from Bangor. He spotted Aled in double quick time today, before he’d even stopped talking in fact. Moyles said finding Aled was made a lot easier by a clue Jones gave out on Jo Whiley’s show yesterday. Competition winner Chris said it had been the “outside some gates” clue that had given it away to him though. Earlier on, Chris (Moyles) misheard Aled when he gave out that clue:
Chris - Outside some what?
Aled - Gates
Chris - Oh, gates. Sorry I misheard you (Dave & Aled laugh)...I thought you had a few pals with you

A BRILLIANT EDITION OF CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
NICOLA an account manager for a print company in Harrow 2
NOAH a painter and decorator from Bewd in Cornwall 1

**There was a few great great moments in today’s Carpark Catchphrase but here’s just a couple for you:
(Chris is asking the final question but stops cos a dog starts barking in the background)
Dave - Is that a dog?
Noah - Yeah it’s a dog...(continues barking)...they’re coming to get me I think, quick hurry up
Chris - What...”the dogs are coming to get you”?
Noah - Yep
(Chris plays Roy Walker Clip) Roy - It’s the wrong answer I’m afraid
(Dave and Noah laugh)**

**(After Nicola has won)
Chris - Well done Nicola!! Congratulations, how do you feel?
Nicola - Erm, I dunno...I think I stole all of his answers really
(uncomfortable pause)
Chris - OK, “fine” would have done. Listen have a good day at work...
(Dave laughs)**

Daves Tedious Link
The Charlatans North Country Boy - The Charlatans are fronted by Tim Burgess - Tim Burgess shares the same christian name as Tim Rice, who in turn shares the same surname as Anneka Rice, who used to present Treasure Hunt before being replaced by Annabel Croft - Annabel Croft is good at tennis, as is Tim Henman who is now through to the semis of the French Open - “Open” is a sign you might see on the door of a shop, as is “push” - Push It was a big hit for Salt N Pepa - Salt and pepper are collectively known as condiments - Condiments shares many of the same letters as “conditioner”, which is something that you put in your hair - Hair can be both thick and thin, and in that respect shares something in common with bread - Bread and fishes both featured in the bible, as did donkeys, frankincense, saints and apostles - and if you had a load of saints and apostles and then all of the apostles decided they’d had enough and wanted to go home, you’d be left with a group of people who were “all saints” - Which links us to All Saints and I Know Where It’s At

TEDIOUS LINK FLAW
*Kenneth Kendall presented Treasure Hunt, not Anneka Rice

- I’m also annoyed by yet ANOTHER repeated tedious link this year. Has Dave run out of songs or something? I Know Where It’s At is a good record but there’s loads more great records out there that Dave just seems to ignore, in favour of going back to his old reliable choices.

VICKY MARSDEN'S LAST SHOW ON RADIO 1
Vicky (by far the most underrated presenter on Radio 1) is doing her last show tonight before leaving the station. The new evening schedules leave no place for her so she's on from 2 till 4am (as per usual) tonight - please catch it if you can as she is very funny and much undervalued by Parf Daddy. Why the hell she's still on that stupid slot after 4 years I've no idea. Anyway, listen to Vicky tonight @ 2. Thank you please.

> Thursday June 3rd Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Wednesday 2nd June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 2 2004 by MC_]

1. Britney Spears - Toxic 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Strokes - Reptilia, 3. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 4. D12 - My Band, 5. BUZZ OFF - U2 - Sweetest Thing, 6. Pink feat William Orbit - Feel Good Time 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 8. Stereophonics - Have A Nice Day, 9. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 10. Jay-Z - 99 Problems 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Nelly Furtado - I’m Like A Bird, 12. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 13. Deepest Blue - Is It A Sin 8:30 NEWSBEAT 14. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck, 15. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 16. The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army, 17. Outkast - Roses, 18. The Charlatans - North Country Boy (Tedious Link), 19. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 20. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 21. Kelis - Trick Me, 22. Beastie Boys - Ch-Check It Out 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 24. Mary J Blige - Family Affair, 25. Snow Patrol - Run

After a quick chat with young Wesley at the five to seven hand over, Chris played a jingle, the “Bellas Rodas” clip and then Toxic by Britney. A brilliant text came in straight away from Eddie:
Chris (reads Eddie’s text) - Chris can you please stop saying nice wheels in Portuguese as I talk in my sleep and my wife thinks I’m having an affair with Bella Rogers
(Chris, Dave and Juliette laugh)
mmm...bellas rodas. With the team just over a week away from their trip to Euro 2004, Chris is becoming concerned that England may not be playing more than their three group games over there (note to Chris: stop calling them “qualifying games” as well, we’ve already qualified). England drew 1-1 with Japan last night and Chris said it was a shockingly bad performance. He called the display awful & rubbish and slagged off a clip in the sports news of David Beckham, who said it was “a good workout”. Chris said that it just wasn’t good enough and despite claiming that he wasn’t a “Beckham basher”, he said that David should be wearing the England shirt with pride when he plays and not just treating it as a training match. He also banned Juliette from referring to Steven Gerrard as “Stevie G” cos he said she doesn’t know him well enough to call him that. That’s funny cos I could have sworn a minute earlier he was calling David Beckham “Becks”...*sigh*...so much to say but where to start? Right I’ll try here - I was at the England game last night and we played really well for the first 35 minutes, as well as we have done in a long time. I bet ya Moyles wasn’t moaning then was he? Claiming that Beckham or any of the other England players weren’t wearing the shirt with pride is just ludicrous, just because they had a poor 65 minutes doesn’t mean that they aren’t playing with pride...although after watching Leeds all season I can see where Chris could get mistaken. He should be getting behind the team, but if he wants to criticise them then at least make it constructive. The truth is though that he can’t. Chris can’t talk tactics or formations cos he doesn’t know what he’s talking about - not one bit. If he had explained his criticisms (e.g explaining who he would play in the diamond and where we went wrong last night), then maybe I wouldn’t be getting so worked up about it. Also the fact that I was there and saw them “wearing the shirt with pride” with my own eyes has something to do with me getting annoyed as well. Let’s just hope Chris is a bit more supportive when he goes to watch England’s matches against France, Switzerland and Croatia...jammy sod.

(Michael Owen celebrates his goal against Japan last night)
After his appearance on BBLB last night, Chris said he tried to tune in for the footy commentary on Radio Five Live on his way home - but wasn’t sure whether he’d got the right frequency or not. Jules told him that it was 909 & 693 AM. Chris said he got to hear the game, but just didn’t know if it was the right station. He played out the commentary...which was entirely in Japanese. Dom said it didn’t sound like John Murray or Jonathan Pearce to him. You could just about make out words such as “Scholesa” and “Gerrado” in the clip, which was very funny. Dom tried a bit of on the spot translation which impressed Chris. Dave said he watched Chris’s appearance on BBLB last night and thought it was ok. Chris watched it back and thought it was alright too. I saw the repeat this morning and thought it was your typical Moyles on TV...not great I’m afraid. The good news however is that Dermot and Chris hugged, smoked the pipe of peace, swapped numbers, bonded and bought each other a pint afterwards (not to mention the fact that they seemed to be wearing identical dark green shirts...although admittedly Chris had the XL version on). Chris said Dermot didn’t go back to watch the game in the pub with him though as he said he had to be up early in the morning.
Chris - What earlier than 4:30?

OVEN CHIPS, HENMANIA AND MORE STICKER BOOK STUFF:
Yesterday afternoon Chris, Dave, Rachel and Julian (from press) all got a cab down to the Big Brother set at Elstree. They went on the camera run, with the most bizarre moment being when Victor and Ahmed were washing up and staring right at them all right through the two way mirror. On the way there though, they got into a conversation about what food they will be needing to take with them to Lisbon next week. Dave said oven chips for Chris definitely. This stems from the fact that Chris has been invited to Hell’s Kitchen by Matt Goss (who he’s bizarrely never met before), but is refusing to go on cos he’s never seen chips in any of the dishes. Julian put forward the idea that McCains could send some free oven chips over to Portugal for Chris, as it would make a great press story. They couldn’t say the company name “McCains” so Dave described it as a range of Scottish walking sticks. Rach told Chris that Jennifer Ellison did make chips and steak as her special dish last night anyway. Following on from oven chips, the team then mentioned taking beans with mini sausages, tomato ketchup and fish fingers. Dave said if they were gonna take them though they’d need to have one of them cold freezer type bags as otherwise they would defrost...fascinating stuff I’m sure you’ll agree. Next on the menu (ber dum cha) was chat about Tim Henman’s victory over Juan Ignacio Chela at the French Open in Paris yesterday, meaning he’s now through to the semis against Guillermo Coria on Friday. There was a clip of Jonathan Overend’s Five Live commentary on Henman’s win in Juliette’s sports news. Chris thought it sounded stupid and said that if you had a name like Jonathan Overend then there was no way you’d keep it, as it sounds like some kind of Daily Sport character (not the last you’ve heard of The Daily Sport in today’s review btw).
Jules - Henmania...woo!
(pause)
Chris - What?
(Dave & Jules laugh)
Chris said that he’ll rewrite the lyrics to Peter Andre’s Insania for Juliette’s Henmania parody. Sounds good in theory anyway. I’ve mentioned this before but I’ve got an inkling that Jules will be reporting on Wimbledon this year (either for BBC TV or Five Live) so will therefore be leaving the show for a couple of weeks. This may be wrong but I’ve just got a hunch from something that Chris said last Thursday.

(Jules)
8 year old Jake Brown from Cambridge has now completed his sticker book so put all his 300+ swapsies in an envelope and sent it into the show for the team to use in their sticker books. They were all very grateful and even tried to get him on the air, but he was out with his dad (he had heard them talking about him though). There was some dispute in the studio about who should get Jake’s stickers. Rachel thought she should get them all as producer of the show and Chris thought he should get them all as presenter of the show. Dave wasn’t comfortable with anyone getting them though and said that the distribution of them needed to be “carefully regulated”. In the end one smart texter came up with the answer - every time a sticker is taken, one prize must be given to Jake in return. E.g 2 stickers for 2 CD albums. I’m not sure if Chris’ll stick to that rule and if 8 year olds really want music as a prize anyway, but everyone was agreed on it. By the end of the show Chris had completed the Swedish, German, Bulgarian and Danish squads - and needed just Scholes, Rooney and half of a squad shot to complete the England section too. That may be quite an achievement and I know it’s funny sometimes, but I’m bored of the sticker book chat now. No more please Chris.

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 10>>>>

(Aled and today’s winner Chas Duncombe)
PASSWORD - “England 1 Japan 1”
LOCATION - By the canal next to the NIA in Birmingham
CLUES - In an English city 218 miles away from yesterday’s location (Edinburgh). The steam engine was invented here, this city used to be known as the workshop of the world and at 80 square miles is one of the biggest in Europe.
WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - 29 year old Chas Duncombe from Birmingham, who was on his bike. He guessed Aled’s location from the clues given and the quacking going on in the background.

Chris asked Aled what type of bird was quacking in the background:
Aled - I’m not great with birds but I’m told it’s a duck
(Chris & Dave laugh) Chris - Well, never has a truer word been spoken
Chris told Aled to introduce himself to the ducks. He did so live on the air and Chris said he was such a pillock.

SCISSOR SISTERS VS THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE, FAITHLESS & BUZZ OFF:>>>
Chris had a go at Dave when he revealed that he hasn’t bought an album yet this year, despite the fact that it’s now June. He did say that his wife Emma bought the Scissor Sisters album in the duty free the other week though, which he thought was really good. Chris thinks that the intro to their current single Laura sounds like the theme tune to Thomas The Tank Engine. To prove this theory, Greyhead Will asked board member diffusionuk (aka Sheldon) to mix the two together. Chris played it out on the air. There was a bit of a key clash but you could see where Chris was coming from. Dom did his genius Ringo Starr impression again. Another remix Chris played today was the Dab Hands Remix of Satellite Of Love by Lou Reed. First played on the show back in February, it’s finally being released on July 19th. When Chris was originally sent it, it was seven minutes long. Will tried to do a Breakfast Show edit of it but failed after over a week of trying. Exec Producer Joe Graham did it eventually. Dave’s best mates Faithless were in the Live Lounge with yo yo knickers Whiley yesterday, see yesterday’s review for more. Chris and Maxi met briefly on the corridor and Chris got him to record a few messages for Dave, calling him Danny. This is in response to the fact that Dave thinks their his mates, despite having never met them before (again see yesterday’s review for more). Miserable Dave wasn’t amused by the messages and said it was all an elaborate facade.
(Chris plays Maxi clip)
Dave - guh huh. Do you have any more pre written comedy for me?
(Rachel laughs)
- Listen to Faithless in The Live Lounge with Jo here
Buzz Off this morning was U2’s number 3 hit from October 98 - Sweetest Thing...although it nearly wasn’t. Instead of opting for Chris’s choice from his CD compilation, the team risked guessing a random number. They almost picked The Mavericks and Space & Cerys Matthews, but instead chose Brimful Of Asha by Cornershop. They weren’t happy.
Dave - Can’t we change our mind? This is rubbish
They all buzzed in quickly and reverted back to Chris’s original choice of U2. It didn’t generate a great text response but was played in full to the end. Dave and Rach were the only ones to buzz in - on 2:20 and 2:48 respectively.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
PAUL a Coca Cola rep in Castlewellan Northern Ireland 2
PAT a lorry driver from Dunstable 1

**Chris had always imagined that “Good Morning Carpark Fans” would be a catchphrase sweeping the nation by now, but it’s not really taken off to be honest...until now that is. Diane Taylor, promotions manager for Bridge Print Solutions has printed some t-shirts saying “Good Morning Carpark Fans” on the front and “Carpark Catchphrase Radio 1” on the back. She’d even made sure to send in an XL version of the shirt for Chris to wear. He modelled it during today’s game at 9:45**

Daves Tedious Link*
Shaggy Oh Carolina - Oh Carolina topped the charts in February 1993, the same month that Lenny Kravitz had a big hit with Are You Gonna Go My Way - “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” is a question frequently asked by hitchhikers - Hitchhikers can often be found at motorway service stations, as can fruit machines and refreshment facilities - Refreshment facilities are important for people who drive long distances because tiredness kills and you should take a break - “Take A Break” is also the title of a womans magazine full of gossip and tit bits - Bits rhymes with kits, which is what the mothers of sporty children have to wash - Washing is traditionally hung on a line - Line dancing is popular with fans of cowboy boots - Cowboy boots should ideally have spurs - Spurs is the new home of goalkeeper Paul Robinson - and Paul Robinson was born in 1979 in Beverley, making him not only an accomplished goalkeeper but a “north country boy” - Which links us to The Charlatans and North Country Boy


*I know that Dave completely ripped off one of Jo Whiley’s old features (I think it was called Connect) for the whole Tedious Link idea, but it’s now being copied by Vic McGlynn on 6 Music too. She does the afternoon show (1-4pm) and asks listeners to compile links from track to track each day. I can’t remember the name of the feature but I think it may be Making Tracks.

CHRIS, DAVE AND JO MAKE THE DAILY SPORT FRONT PAGE:

Yep, tis true. Moyles, Vitty and Whiley made the front page of today’s Sport, but Chris and Dave didn’t mention why cos they wanted Jo to tell the story.
Dave - We don’t want to blow it for her
Chris - Well...
In her first link Jo read the story for the first time, which told how chubby Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles wanted to get blond, married, mother of three Jo Whiley into bed for a luuurve sandwich with him and his comedy sidekick Dave Vitty. Jo said she has always thought of Chris and Dave as two THICK slices of bread after all.

> Wednesday June 2nd Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Tuesday 1st June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 1 2004 by MC_]

1. Sean Paul - Get Busy 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 3. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 4. Lostprophets - Wake Up (Make A Move), 5. BUZZ OFF - Level 42 - Lessons In Love, 6. Pharrell Williams feat Jay-Z - Frontin' 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Ultrabeat - Pretty Green Eyes, 8. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 9. Eamon - F**k It (I Don't Want You Back), 10. Supergrass - Kiss Of Life 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Love Inc - You’re A Superstar, 12. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me, 13. Peter Andre - Insania, 14. Blink 182 - I Miss You 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Foo Fighters - All My Life, 16. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 17. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 18. Shaggy - Oh Carolina (Tedious Link), 19. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 20. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 21. D12 - My Band, 22. Ash - Orpheus 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. CHRIS MOYLES MONTAGE - Claudio Ranieri Tribute, 24. Shakedown - At Night, 25. Cassidy feat R. Kelly - Hotel, 26. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love

Back with a bang. After a long bank holiday weekend off, Chris returned to the airwaves with a stonker of a show this morning. Unsurprisingly the subject top of the menu was last Friday’s launch of Big Brother 5, or as I’m calling it *Big Brother’s freak show*. Chris kicked off with a genius impression of that overexcitable row of tents camp moron Marco. He told him to sod off and referred to the housemates as “a bunch of misfits”, surely an understatement if ever there was one. I turned off after 25 minutes on Friday cos I just couldn’t be arsed. I’ve watched every year up till now and enjoyed them, but it’s just not worth the effort this year. The ratings have slumped too to 3.3 million (see here) from 6.7 million after the big (and very good) Friends finale on Friday. Chris and Dave ran through a few of the housemates - starting off with the gay who hates asylum seekers Marco, then the asylum seeking homophobe Ahmed. Borderline genius...although I really don’t want to say it. You’ve then got the narky lesbian and Jarvis Cocker lookalike “Kitten”, that Geordie slapper Michelle, the Scottish fella with the thong Jason, the transsexual man woman thing “Nadia” (Neil) and a whole other list of assorted freaks. Chris asked where the likable normal people were in Big Brother this year. I can tell you now that the answer is nowhere. Well the only ones who seem fairly ordinary at the moment (and I must stress “at the moment”) are Ahmed, Shell, Emma and Vanessa. I really am looking at a photo for their names btw. Dave was convinced that they were all actors on Friday and was texting the same word to Chris repeatedly, as each of them entered the house one by one - tw@t. Chris said he too was thoroughly disappointed on Friday, but now is beginning to warm to a few of the housemates - namely Kitten and Victor. He thinks Kitten is not a natural rebel and simply a confused, attention seeking young lady. Thanks to Uglybob, who has posted this link on the messageboard. Chris likes Victor too, cos he seems to think that he is some kind of love god - aii, diggin it and ting (etc). Chris wondered what the mirrors are like in his house. Chris also loved Victor’s genius question to Kitten - “What’s it like being a lesbian?”...oh god please help us now. Dom is open minded about BB so far, he likes it cos it’s different but doesn’t like it cos he hates them all. Jules switched off after just five minutes cos Marco scared the hell out of her. Credit where credit’s due I say. Chris fantastically took the pee out of all those idiots in there who say “I’ll just tell it how it is” and “I’m dead popular” and “I’m a great lover” etc. Chris did great impressions of them, and then added that they do live their mum remember...but purely for financial reasons of course. Chris also thought the Big Brother in the diary room on Saturday night sounded like she was on an 0898 line (calls to BB will be charged at £1.50 a minute). You could tell Chris talking about it more and more was winding Dave up, and he said that Davina was his highlight of the show on Friday.
Chris - Hey, this is what the kids are into these days
Dave - and we’re just reflecting this popular culture?
Chris - Exactly
With Aled on his UK tour and the team off to Portugal next week, it looks like BB Aled will be taking a break this year - at least in the short term anyway. That saves us a dull 15 minute link each day anyway. Tonight is a momentous night in the lives of Kermit O’Dreary and Chris Moyles. It’s the reunion of two old friends as Chris makes an appearance on BBLB in an attempt to smoke that pipe of peace. Full details of how you can see the show are at the bottom of today’s review.


Official Big Brother Website - http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother

MOYLES RINGS DAD:
Chris’s dad is released from hospital tomorrow after his quadruple heart bypass operation last week. Chris met the surgeon who operated on him yesterday when he was back in Leeds, and the surgeon revealed that Chris’s show had originally been on the radio in the background when they were all in the prep room getting ready for the operation. The surgeon said they turned it off straight away. Chris asked why - he needs the Rajars. He also talked for quite a bit about his dad and said that he was just showing off his sensitive side to the early morning audience.
Chris - I want people to realise that I’m just not about ratings, I’m a human being...(pause & backs off mic)...you know I should ring him and get him on the air at prime time, people would love that
Dave - Do you not think that’s a bit sensationalist?
Chris said maybe but then again it would be great for the trail. Vitty agreed and with Chris being Chris, it came as no surprise when he really did ring his dad live on the air @ 8:15 (that’s prime time kids). Chris said it would allow him to relate to his audience...and hopefully up the figures in the process. Dave couldn’t believe he was actually doing it but Chris proceeded anyway. His dad was listening and picked up the phone. He didn’t sound great (understandably) but still came out with a couple of cracking lines (in his broadest Leeds accent):
John (Chris’s dad) - I’ve been listening to Airfadle & Worthdale FM before you come on. They only sell tractors
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Chris’s dad said he was feeling a lot better now and improving all the time. He thanked Chris for ringing him and visiting him yesterday.
John - I’m having loads of visitors at the moment. They come to annoy you, talk to each other, eat your food and then go home
(Chris laughs)
Chris’s dad told him to keep up the good work and “keep saving Radio 1”, but refused to exchange the term “I love you” with him, instead opting for a manly thank you instead. Rach said she could feel a regular feature coming on here and Dave said it was the first time he’d ever heard such a desperate and blatant tactic employed before on The Radio 1 Breakfast Show. It worked though as floods of texts came in saying “that’s really sweet”, “that touched me”, “that brought a tear to my eye” etc. Admittedly most of the above began with the words “Although I don’t like you”. Aled said he got a big choked up listening to it too. Chris completed this sensitive, caring and thought provoking link with a dedication for his dad as well. However, before you go grabbing those tissues again (not for that reason), you should know that the record Chris played to wish his father a steady recovery from major heart surgery was...Peter Andre and Insania. Hang on in there John.

Buzz Off was back at twenty past seven this morning, although I’m not quite sure it was the revamp that Chris had been promising us. The rules (are there any nowadays?) were the same as usual, it’s just that Chris had had all his compilation CD’s returned to him from his cousin Dara in New York, meaning a bigger choice of tunes for him to pick from this morning. In that case you’d have thought he could have bettered Level 42’s 1986 number three smash Lessons In Love...apparently not. It certainly divided the audience in Studio 3. Chris and Dom were loving it while Dave and Rach weren’t. Vitty was first to buzz in on 27 seconds, Rach next on 0:28, the listeners third on 3:40 and bald headed Byrne was last (as it entered the fade) on 3:58. Rach called it rubbish and Dave (who’s always hated Level 42) said it was a dreadful record. Chris called Level 42 “the Beatles of the 80’s” which stunned Dave into silence for a brief moment.
Dave - I find your musical taste baffling
Chris - Oh come on. Seriously, 66% of the population text in how great they thought that song was
Dave (laughs) - Population?
Chris - Yeah, everyone’s listening (him & Dave laugh)
Dave - Have you got 56 million listeners now?
Chris played a trail for Scott Mills’ new afternoon show, which kicks off next Monday at 3pm...rock a loo la. Chris said Scott may have been at Radio 1 since 1986, but now he is finally off the subs bench and playing for the first team. However, he was left wondering who will fill in on Breakfast now when he goes on holiday. Dave thought possibly Wes, but it’s more likely that they will switch the schedules and stick Scott on for Chris, Nemone on for Scott and Wes on for Nemone. Clear as mud eh?

WHERE’S ALED: DAY 9>>>>

(Aled and today’s winner Roy Stephens in front of Edinburgh Castle)
PASSWORD - “Can I watch the England game with you tonight Aled?”
LOCATION - On Princess Street by Edinburgh Castle in...erm, Edinburgh
CLUES - Not in England but in a capital city over 300km from where he was yesterday (Aled flew). This city is divided into a new and old town and has 16 000 buildings in it that are listed as architecturally and historically important
WINNER THROUGH TO THE AIRPORT FINAL - It took a long time today but eventually people spotted Aled as they were driving past him in their cars. Aled said they were running towards him.
Dave - How can they run in cars?
(Chris laughs)
Dave - Is it like the Flintstones?
(Paul & Aled laugh)
A lovely Scottish lady called Alison got the password wrong, but Roy Stephens, an IT worker originally from Barrow In Furness in Cumbria got it right (eventually). He was on the line to Chris for over a minute and got the password wrong by one word originally, but was very jammy as he guessed it correctly just as Chris was preparing to cut him off. Roy is through to the big airport final next Thursday on the show. Aled’s tour didn’t take a break over the bank holiday weekend btw, he was on with Spoony and Wes - in Southampton on Saturday, Brighton on Sunday and London yesterday (all winners, pics and info from these days can be found here @ Radio 1 ONLINE). A text message correctly pointed out that Aled went to Brighton on a day when 30 000 football fans in Brighton were all in Cardiff (for their Div 2 play off final v Bristol City). Aled (a Welshman who hates footy remember) didn’t realise, but enjoyed the warm weather anyway.

JULES STINKS AND CHRIS, DAVE AND JO’S LUUURVE SANDWICH:

(The Moyles - Whiley - Vitty luurve sandwich)
Jules refreshed her perfume just before 8:30 this morning and when she walked back into the studio, Chris said he could hardly breathe. She claimed it wasn’t cheap stuff (£44) and said that she had just given it a quick squirt. Chris said she should have walked into it like they do in the movies, not spray it all over - creating a pungent smell from her pits (note: pits). Dave said “shake the bottle, wake the studio”. Rach agreed it was quite strong too.
Jules (sounding very brummie) - Well I like it and Dom didn’t say anything
Dom - I couldn’t, I was choking
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Rach revealed that she used to work behind a perfume counter and wore a tabbard. This resulted in a very random link including chat about Mexicans, sombreros, ponchos, overalls, tabbards and Rachel advising people on what make up to wear. Other stuff on the show today included Chris’s tribute to sacked Chelsea boss Claudio Ranieri (a montage of his best bits over the Will Young Leave Right Now bed) and Chris slagging off Dave & Chappers sports show, calling it dull. Back in Derry a few weeks ago, Dave had his 30th birthday party at Earth, with plenty of celeb guests invited. Faithless weren’t but turned up anyway, cos according to Dave “they knew it was the hottest ticket in town”. Dave met some Chinese fella from the band, but not Maxi Jazz, Sister Bliss or Rolo (the main members). Faithless are Jo Whiley’s guests in the Live Lounge today and Chris was wondering if Dave would be popping in to say hello to his close personal friends. He wasn’t so sure he would. Following Dave showing off his vocal skills on Friday (he was singing Revolution by The Beatles), Jo Whiley said she should get him in to do a session for her in the Live Lounge.
Chris - Oh I’d love to have a session with Jo...oh my god
Cue another link where Chris fantasises about Jo on the air. Rachel said that Chris and Dave should get into the real world...
Rachel - I don’t think she likes either of you
Dave - Excuse me, she can’t find us both repulsive!!!
(brilliant Rachel laugh)
Chris jokingly called Jo a baby factory and “yo yo knickers”, which Dave and Rach both said was very rude and hugely insulting. Chris insisted it was a joke and said he dreams of having a luurve sandwich with him and Dave as the two slices of bread and Jo as the filling in between. Jo seems a bit of a kinky minx but this was just one step too far. Luckily she didn’t hear the “yo yo knickers” reference but seemed very embarrassed about the whole sandwich thing.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
CHRIS a camp sounding married postman from Kingston 2
JODIE a national account manager from Leeds 0

Daves Tedious Link
Michael Jackson Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough - Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough featured on the classic album Off The Wall - “Off The Wall” is a phrase that could be used to describe the game of squash - Squash of a different type is a drink and also referred to as cordial - Cordial is a word that might be associated with an invite - The word “invite” is made up of exactly six letters, one less than “marmite” which has seven - Seven was a film starring Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt - Brad Pitt is married to Jennifer Aniston, who didn’t go to Paris - Paris is the capital of France - France is home to the world famous Bayeux Tapestry, which is a popular tourist attraction, a bit like Stonehenge is in this country - Stonehenge is a popular place for Druids - Druid rhymes with Clwyd, which is a Welsh county - The American equivalent of a county is a state, such as California, Texas or indeed North Carolina - and if you were to remove the first N, R, T and H from North Carolina, you’re left simply with O Carolina - Which links us to Shaggy and Oh Carolina

TEDIOUS LINK FLAWS
*Clwyds don’t exist anymore. Dave said he was thinking of traditional Welsh counties though, not new high fangled administratitive areas
*It was Rachel Green who didn’t go to Paris, not Jennifer Aniston (although technically that is true too)

MOYLES ON BBLB TONIGHT
Right, Chris is on Big Brothers Little Brother with Dermot tonight @ 6pm on Channel 4, repeated at 10:35pm on E4. For people who can’t catch either of those (like me cos I’m going watching England v Japan) then it’s repeated a third and final time tomorrow morning at 8am on Channel 4. Some serious multitasking required there - Moyles on the radio and the TV at the same time. I wonder which will be better...hmm tough one.

> Tuesday June 1st Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <