Monday 31st March 2003 [Posted Monday, March 31 2003 by Uglybob]


Chris thought it was a disgrace how Coldplay's Clocks only reached number 9 in the chart, but Westlife were at number 3. Dave also commented on Athletes' El Salvador only making it to number 31. Chris said the Athletes song has grown on him. Dave, Will and Aled went to watch the filming of the BBC drama 'Spooks' this morning. Dave woke up late and he didn't have time to put his contact lenses in so he had to wear his glasses. The new series will be shown end of May/early June.
Everyone Chris knows is amazed that he has never seen ‘The Sound of Music’ or ‘Grease’, and he is proud of it. He says The Sound of Music is rubbish and to prove it plays one of the songs from the film, ‘Favourite Things’, going on a complete and very funny rant about since when has ‘bright coloured kettles’ been something you would list in your favourite things?
A package arrived for the team, and they no longer care about not being nominated for a Sony as they have won the British Radio Awards Presenter of the Year, as voted by the radio industry, or so they thought. After playing the fanfare and saying how proud they are, Chris received the certificate from Will and notices there’s a big 3 on it. This lead into a big debate as they couldn’t decide whether the 3 stands for third place or third time the award has been given out. Dave thought the whole thing was a joke as British Radio Awards is BRA initially. Further investigation by Will concluded that they are indeed in third place. Dave and Will wouldn’t show Chris the list as he’d be annoyed as to who beat them. Eventually they gave in, Jono Coleman came second (Jonathon Ross came first and the team congratulated him). And funnily enough Chris was annoyed (“WHAT? That fat pig beat US??!!), and took his anger out on Will for being so thick he thought they had won when the certificate had ‘third’ written across it in big letters.
Good Charlotte's new song was played for the first time on the show, which Chris likes. Dave did his usual telly tips. I found it funny when they played a trail for new and best music and then put on DJ Sammy with Heaven on after it. Just me then. For some reason Chris decided to read out a dull email about water pumps. Chris said that the new Kelly Rowland song sounds like J Lo.
Dave talked about the telly show called Double Take, the comedy show which has doubles of famous people. Chris said that the Geri person didnt look like her. Chris said that David Seaman is really spot on. He said that the sketch wasnt funny with Elton John. He said it was worth a watch.
Chris got sent 3 Tropicana Vanilla Lollies which were crap because they had melted by the time they got to them and Chris lollie stick came off it as he pulled it out. Aled will be dreading tomorrow as he has to play in goal for the kickabout after training. Aled asked if he could be ballboy instead and Dave thought that he could be both so he can also run into the hedgerows and find the ball. Chris suggested a kick aled session instead of a kick football session.

Daves Tedious Link
Rest Assured Treat Infamy - Treat Infamy uses the same string hook as the Verve used for Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve are from Wigan which is famous for its pier and its pies - Pies have a crust as does the earth - Earthsong by Michael Jackson sounds nothing like the Slipmat record although Aled seems to think so - Aled rhymes with Salad - Salad is green as is Kermit - Kermit rhymes with Permit which is what you need if you want to park your car in London - London is the capital of England unlike Berlin which is the capital of Germany - Germany is the largest speaking German country in Western Europe - Europe is a continent, not a consonant which is any letter that is not a vowel on Countdown - Countdown was the first programme on Channel 4 in 1982 - 1982 was the year people celebrating their 21st birthday this year - 21 is significant number in Pontoon - A pontoon is a floating jetty - And a Jetty is designed to allow Boat Travellers to walk from the shore to the boat without them getting attacked by fish and in some cases, by Seahorses - Which links us to Seahorses and Love Is The Law

Friday 28th March 2003 (Sam/Bob) [Posted Friday, March 28 2003 by Uglybob]

Today Chris was annoyed because Aled had a day off, and he didn’t know why or even that he had until he got in today. He say’s it’s not on, the members of the team having random days off whenever they feel like it. This lead to the repeat playing of Michael Winner’s “calm down dear”. Chris: “How long do you think we can get away with playing this?” Will: “I don’t know to be honest, I shouldn’t say on air but we haven’t exactly jumped through the legal hoops we should have done.” It comes out that Will has been to Michael Winner’s house. Apparently in a previous job on another radio station the show ‘thing’ was that they were a big fan of Michael Winner, so they all got invited round his house. Will says they should get him on the show as he’s a highly intelligent man and has a lot of good storys.
Chris can’t believe its Friday already. Tomorrow is the England match, so Chris is taking Sophie out in the day so he can watch the England match at teatime. He thanks Dave for teaching him this trick.

Big Blubber – The Final Push
Aled – Aled led star student Will astray on Tuesday when he took him on ‘a romantic love stroll’. This naturally caused uproar, especially when Scott followed it up by calling the Will and Aled “the two lovers”, much to the delight of Chris and Dave. He hasn’t had a good week so hopefully the beginning of April will mark a new start for him.
Will – Will has been working hard again, he did 5k on the running machine and beat Dave. He got lickly – lickly brown nose again. This lead to a much giggling acceptance speech as Chris yelled out ‘CON’ in reminder of the teams mis-hearing of Aled a couple of weeks ago, causing Will to lose concentration after saying “I’d like to thank the Sony’s for....oh no.”
Dave – Dave enjoyed playing football until Chris beat him on penalties, so next time they played he was fouling and knocking Chris about. His pride was injured again by being beaten by Will of all people.
Chris – Chris’s review was very very short as Will admitted that the minidisc went wrong. So Chris made up the rest informing everybody how great he was.
The half-marathon in Norway idea has been knocked on the head because it wasn’t practical. However they are arranging another one, and will let us know when everything is finalised.
Chris still has builders in his flat. They’ve been there from the end of January and he’s sick of it now, he wants his flat back. He hates it, he say’s he’s a big kid and can’t handle grown up stuff. He has no idea what he’s doing, he’s managed to but a state of the art kitchen and oven and he can’t even cook, and has also managed to acquire himself an extra microwave, so now he has two. He knows it will be worth it eventually but its really annoying.

Edith Bowman Factfile
Born on 15th January 1975 in Anstruther, Fife, Scotland
Presented MTV News in the UK in 1997
Presented various MTV shows throughout late 90's
Joined Capital Radio as a DJ
Is best buddies with Cat Deeley and made a road trip show for the now defunct BBC Choice.
Showbiz reporter for RI:SE which led to main anchor woman in Jan 2003, ailing Channel 4 programme that she still is presenting until the end of this month with Iain Lee.
Left Capital with Cat Deeley and has jumped to Radio 1 to work alongside former RI:SE colleague Colin Murray.

Main Bits of Interview
The debut show starts tomorrow at 10am. She is going out tonight firstly for a short team briefing and then to the University of London for an Athlete Gig.
A lot of text came in asking her in her accent to pronounce certain words like Curly Wurly, All The Squirrels in the World and the classic Taggart line Theres been a murder.
Chris and Dave tried to give her tips on how to cope with a successful Saturday morning show. Chris pointed out the crap pubs and shops to her. The team seemed to get on well with her from the interview. Sometimes its easy to hear in the interview if the person is apprehensive or suspicious but she joined in. Whats wrong with me, im praising someone, thats not supposed to happen.
Her family owns the Crows Nest, a hotel in Scotland. Her dad is an electrician. Chris mocked her for not having any guests on tomorrow. Its supposedly her dream is to work at Radio 1. Colin wasnt on because he was still suffering jetlag from Miami. He will be on tomorrow. Edith went to an Avril Lavigne concert and she said she felt as though she was the oldest person there. Edith brought in a Hot Hot Heat T-Shirt for Chris which was too small, he said he was slimmer but not that slim. Chris tried to pair Will up with Edith. Edith sexiest male shes ever met is Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Chris went all pervy when she said she puts on her waitress outfit and scoops out the food for Xmas dinner in Scotland.

Daves Tedious Link

Thursday 27th March 2003 (sam/bob) [Posted Thursday, March 27 2003 by Uglybob]

4pm

Because the breakfast team completely cocked up the master plan, Chris has come up with a new feature called ‘experience life in a van with the Radio One breakfast team’. You can hear the sound, and then look at the pictures on the website. Its revolutionary radio, honest.
Next time Chris spoke to them, they had stopped at Summerfield. Chris “hang on, 10 minutes ago you were at services?” Hannah “Yeah, we didn’t get everything we needed” Chris “what, booze?” Hannah “I couldn’t possibly comment”. But the good news is Coxy’s still standing, for now. Chris was also impressed that the van driver was female.
Tonight sees the return of Banzai on E4, so to celebrate the new series, Chris played a few of the clips from ‘the receptionist stop watch challenge’ feature of yester-year. These were nice to here again, but for the fact they had no new material whatsoever and filled the links with dross. You cant really write much about an old clip of a recorded hello and a confused receptionist, can you.
Chris has predicted that Leeds Utd will finish in the top half of the Premiership. Theres more chance of Lester Piggott lapdancing whilst rubbing brussel sprouts around his groin. Chris played the classic Receptionist Challenge, in which the person kept on for 12 minutes because she liked the tv theme tunes they were playing. She only put the phone down when the themes ended. Chris did the verbal for the Exam One Life in the style of his Irish Mum/Fake Bono voice. Chris got carried away and started playing about with Sara Cox sound effects. Sara joined them on the phone for about 30 seconds and then was cut off. They got her back and she was as meanderingly vague and slightly nuts without making any sense as usual.

Daves Tedious Link
Oasis Wonderwall - Oasis are from Manchester as is Lard - Lard rhymes with Bard which was the occupation of William Shakespeare - Shakespeare shares his christian name with William Shatner - William Shatner was born in Canada much like Bryan Adams - Bryan Adams has bad skin unlike Natalie Imbruglia who has very nice skin indeed - Skin rhymes with Tin which has been mined extensively during the years in Devon and Cornwall - Devon was the name in Knightrider - Knightrider starred David Hasselhoff - David Hasselhoff is a big music star in Germany - The capital of West Germany was Bonn - Bon Jovi are fronted by Jon Bon Jovi - Bon Jovi should not be mistaken for Bonjella which is used to treat mouth ulcers - Ulcer rhymes with Tulsa which is the Oklahoma town that Chandler has been posted to in Friends - Friends is a popular long running TV show as was Rising Damp (think it only went for 2 years) - Damp rhymes with Vamp - And when you think of Vamp in the world of music you think of Transvision Vamp - Which links us to Transvision Vamp and Baby I Dont Care from 1989

Wednesday 26th March 2003 (Sidla/Bob) [Posted Wednesday, March 26 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris and the team were out for the staff meal last night and a certain 3 executive producers were so drunk that it was a disgrace to the BBC. Chris said that they ought to resign, but their so hungover that their resignation would just be a squiggle. Chris has been sent a Smarties cookie. Chris tried to dunk it into his
tea, but he found that he needed to take the tea-bag out. Dave found this funny. Chris asked Dave why he was laughing and he said he's only laughing because Scottie is. Chris said Scottie's always laughing because he's high
on life.
Chris rang the DJ Sammy information line to find out what the next DJ Sammy single will be. The first time he rang they weren't listening so the gag didn't work. The second time he rang Chris asked Is that the DJ Sammy information line?. The person on the other end said It hasn't been finalised yet. Chris said they were much better when they were the Kosheen information line. He said he'd have to make a call off the air to set it up properly.
The winner of the Chappers and Dave football competition is in the studio, and she's travelled all the way from Reading. Chris asked if Radio 1 had paid for the ticket and she said they had. Chris was shocked. Chappers was also in the studio. Chris made a bet with Chappers for £50 that Leeds United would finish in the top half of the table. Chris first made the bet with Radcliffe, but Radcliffe being a blabber mouth shouted out to half the rest of the Radio 1 staff and now Chris is going to have to fork out a fortune when Leeds get relegated. Dave was given the Everton stuff by the winner but Chappers missed out on the Man U stuff as her family and friends all support them.
Chris had got the brand new England kit in the studio, released for public sale on April 2nd. It has a Gold Star to signify them being World Cup Winners in 1966 (do they ever let it lie, nearly 40 years ago and theyre still blabbing on about it). Chris keeps finding Blue singing Acapella on the Tv no matter what channel he presses.
Radio 1 have announced that Zane (Zzzzzz) Lowe will be the permanent replacement for the Evening Session. Like we didnt see that coming. Ive had the unfortunate pleasure of listening to him plus watching him on MTV and I can best describe as a male Jo Whiley. Bandwagon jumping trying to be cool gimp really.
Dave and Will tried their hand at voicing a One Life Advert. Will seemed like a natural. Chris trailed the new morning show on Saturday with Edith Bowman. DJ Spoony came through the special private hotline because he was in a Golf Shop and the workers wanted their name mentioned. Chris said that he is probably asking for discount but would only if he was getting something in return. Spoony said that he had tees. Chris thought it would be hilarious to not mention them and cut him off for a laugh twice. He finally did on the third go. He was at Tailor Made in Basingstoke.
Dave had a Guess Who which was Martin Kemp, former guitarist with Spandau Ballet and now an actor. Geordie Kid joined in with his Guess Who he saw up the road yesterday. It was the legend that was Jarvis Cocker.
This show was severely lacking in content. Dave chose A Question Of Sport, Dream Machine, 5th Gear and Your On Sky Sports. Chris said that the presenter has a head too big for telly. Chris asked people to phone up and mention their names. Dave was informed by an emailer saying that A Question Of Sport was cancelled because of the war. The last telly tip was Baddiel & Skinner Unplanned.

FUTURE GUESTS
Friday - Edith Bowman
Next Wednesday - Lucy Benjamin (Lisa in Eastenders, luvvly knockers)

Daves Tedious Link
SWV Right Here - Right Here is where I am right now - Right Now was the debut hit for Atomic Kitten in 1999 - 1999 was a hit for Prince - Prince Albert of Monaco is the man responsible for the World Music Awards and has also given his name to an imtimate male piercing which im sure hes really proud of being named so you might say he was cock a hoop - Cock a hoop should not be mistaken for Cock A Leekie, which although sounds like a urinal problem is actually a Scottish Soup - The word soup contains most of the same letters as the word Soap - Soap is used in the bathroom as is a loafah - A Loafah is like a natural phenomenom and is natures way of washing your back - Back For Good was a number 1 in 1995 for Take That and was just one example of their extensive pop arsenal - Arsenal Legend Ian Wright presents the National Lottery Thunderball - Thunderball rhymes with Wonderwall - Which links us to Oasis and Wonderwall

Tuesday 25th March 2003 Sidla/Bob [Posted Tuesday, March 25 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris was pleased that Bolton won last night and he hopes that Bolton's win will give Leeds a kick up the arse. Dave thought that he should be worried because Bolton are only 2 points behind Leeds now.
Chris thought that the Coldplay gig sounded very good last night. Chris wants to go to a Coldplay gig, but he said he's not going to go unless he gets a personal invite from Chris Martin. Chris claimed that Chris Martin owed him one, but he wouldn't say why. Chris said him and Mr. Martin are almost showbiz mates because they once sat in the same room. Dave said he's also showbiz mates with Chris Martin because they were once in Boots at the same time.
The news of Toploaders split went unnoticed who had hits like Dancing in the Moonlight and... Dancing In The Moonlight by Stargate have decided it to call it a day. It might have had something to do with the last release which was about 67 in the charts.
Chris wanted to go to the Chelsea match tonight but he has to go to a Radio 1 dinner. Dave also has to go. Chris asked Parf Daddy if he could go to the footie instead and he said yes, but it also meant that he would have no job in the morning. That told him then. Chris played the song from the Advert of the Peugeot 306 where the bloke bangs his car into the shape of that said car. Dave showed off his bangra flavours. Dave said he was like an International Glossary. Chris called him an International Pillock.
Chris said that he has been watching Dannii Minogue and he keeps thinking about her plastic surgery. He said that he never thought she had big as breasts. Thats because she had them done way back in 1995, as she admitted recently. Chris said that she would be good at sex because she would always try to outdo her sister.
Question of the day - Why does Radio 1 never cut out the word Shit on the You Remind Me song by Usher when it heavily cuts Eminem. Its been out long enough and its been noticed, he even shouts the word. Double standards, laziness or just not noticable to deaf people.
They didnt play a Coldplay live track and they blamed it on Miles again. Chris made an appeal to the Arsenal supporters to win games so they dont have to try too hard against Leeds in the second from last game.

Daves Tedious Link
Coldplay Shiver - Shiver is what your bones do and chatter is what your teeth do - teeth are found in the mouth as are gums - gums rhymes with plums which are a round red fruit more often than not containing a stone - Sharon Stone is famous for not wearing knickers - if you put an s before the nickers you get snickers which are packed with peanuts - peanuts was the name of the comic which had the first appearance of charlie brown - peanuts was created by charles schultz - charles shares his surname with dwight schultz who played Murdoc in the Ateam - hannibal in the ateam was played by george peppard - peppard rhymes with leopard which is a large wils cat - cats have kittens - atomic kitten are a vocal harmony group consisting of 3 members and i suppose in that respect you could just describe them as a more modern scouse version of one of the classic vocal harmony groups from yesteryear like SWV - Which links us to SWV with Right Here which samples Michael Jacksons Human Nature.

Monday 24th March 2003 (Sidla/Sam/bob) [Posted Monday, March 24 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris and the team were discussing the Oscars. Chris had only seen 1 of the films which has won an Oscar which was 8 Mile. Chris wanted to play the clip of Sean Connery presenting an Oscar because he thought it sounded like someone doing a bad impression of him, but unfortunately he couldn't play it for legal reasons.
Aled's status as being the football nobody of the team has been diminished because Aberystwyth have made him an honorary vice-president. Chris congratulated him even though he didn't really appear to have done anything to achieve this status. Some of Aled's privileges includes free tickets to Aberystwyth matches, a free Aberystwyth shirt and a parking space at the ground.
Chris appeared in a satirical cartoon in the 'Sunday' magazine included in the News of the World. It teased Chris about his weight. Chris said it was ironic because he's now about half the size that they made him out to be. Some people had emailed Chris and told him they sometimes find him funny, so they made a song parody for him. The email sounded as though it had been written by people who were not from English origin. He said the song parody was very funny, and it was all about a subject in current affairs that's not the Oscars. Unfortunately the executive producer only allowed them to play the first line.
The team congratulated Davina McCall on expecting her second child. They talk about re-born in the USA. Chris has missed most of it but saw one and thinks Gina G is still fit. He also says that Sonia can’t sing, she makes her voice go deep and sings like a bloke. Aled stuck up for her saying she’s trying her best, bless her. Chris made the comment about gay icons so I don’t have to.

Friday 21st March 2003 (sam,sidla,bob) [Posted Friday, March 21 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris had a nightmare with the studio equipment. The show opener didn't play properly. Chris was discussing the Leeds United saga. For people not aware, Terry Venables relinquished his role as Leeds boss and Peter Reid was installed for the final 8 games of the season as Caretaker Boss. He said that he would be the best man to manage Leeds, some of his policies included allowing fans to play in the squad, and giving chocolate to players who
train hard. Dave thought his plans were revolutionary. Chris said that Martin O'Neil should become the new manager and told him if he's listening then there's some cheap houses around Leeds. Chris also congratulated Martin on his 2-0 victory over Liverpool last night.
40% of 22 to 25 year olds are married. Chris finds that shocking, he only knows a few married people of that age. Dave thought it would be a good idea to get a straw poll of the audience to see how that pans out. To sound official they named it an ‘intellectual interactive experiment’. You may think it’s completely random (and possibly another ‘help we have no material’, all be it a good one) but in actual fact it is an important psychological assessment of their listeners. Yeah, ok.

Question one: Are you a boy or a girl? Result: girl - 45.87 boy - 54.13.
Question two: What could you not live without – Fish or Chips? 19.64 fish, 81.36 chips
Question three: North or South? North - 56.76 , South - 44.24

Chris is surprised that Robbie Williams decided to release Come Undone, he says there are better on the album. Dave (and me) however think it’s a beautiful song and far superior to Feel.

UGLYBOBS GRIPE
I got in the car at half 4 to be met with the sound of Chris giving out the text message number. This has become a somewhat regular occurence on the show and its showing the immense laziness in its extremness. Whats more shocking is that 1000's of people are wasting their money sending them VOTE CHIPS. Granted, last week when the profits from the phone calls went to Comic Relief was alright by me, but where are the profits going to this week. How much does the BBC get from each message. Could it be that be barracking the popular shows to do such things like this get them extra revenue. If they were man enough to admit this, I would respect them a bit more.

Chris ran through the Radio 1 live in Bolton next weekend. Chris took the piss out of James King and the Urban Sketch team. They made fun of the dj name of Mike Branker.

Daves Tedious Link
Blur Boys & Girls - Girls and boys are also known as people - People rhymes with steeple which is like a pointy top on a church - Charlotte Church is romantically linked with a dj as is Sara Cox - Cox rhymes with socks which are like gloves for your feet - Feet come in pairs as do shoes - Dave shoe size is 8 1/2 - If you take that number and add one to it you get 9 and a half as in 9 1/2 Weeks which was a saucy film starring Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke - Rourke rhymes with Pork - Pork is traditionally served with apple sauce - Apples grow on trees - Like most fruit apples are a constant reminder of just how incredible nature is from antelopes to apples nature comes in many different shapes and sizes and in that respect it really is quite incredible - Which links us to MBeat with General Levy and Incredible (I HATE THIS SONG)

Thursday 20th March 2003 (sam-bob with the transcripts) [Posted Thursday, March 20 2003 by Uglybob]

Big Blubber 3 – The Final Push
Dave – Missed last week but was excused for raising money for charidee, but was absent this week as well. Chris was annoyed that he got off so lightly.
Will – Beat his personal running time last week, and is in great shape.
Chris – has been outstanding for the past couple of weeks, really putting in effort and has made a lot of progress. He got licky licky brown nose. Because of the bet that


Scott Mills lost last week, he is the team’s Bitch today. They asked listeners for suggestions as what to do with him. Chris wound him up about working in Homebase FM.


Chris asked Will if he wanted Bitch Scott Mills to do anything for him. He wanted Scott to wash his car. Chris suggested that Scott wash Will instead... in the shower. Dave said that Will had a hairy back so it needed shaving. Scott chose shaving Wills back over car washing as washing meant him having to go outside.
Chris received an email wanting Scott to do 20 press ups. Scott refused and said that Chris could do them bearing in mind he has a trainer. Scott said that since Chris has got one, so has Sara Cox and Kym Marsh.

Mills - You can do the press ups cos you got a personal trainer (voice goes la di da style), Sara Cox has got a personal trainer now.
Dave - Has she, shes copying us.
Mills - And also have you seen Heat this week?
Chris - No.
Mills - Jack and Kym also have one.
Chris - We started a trend. You see the thing is you need a personal trainer who can also drinks lots.
Mills - Well the thing is when you did earlies, the show that i do now...
Chris - Yes but we were so good we got promoted after 15 months. But go on you were saying... How long you done it for?
Mills - 4 years...
Chris - Wasnt Dave Lee Travis still on the air while you were doing it?
Mills - Moving on...
Chris - Oooooh (in handbags style)
Mills - Did you have a personal trainer when you did earlies then or were you just wasting your time in a lock in at the pub.
Chris - ... Yes
Mills - Did you ever come straight to work from that said lock in
Dave - To be really honest we were rarely sober enough to get to a lock in, we used to start at 12 midday.
Chris - And drink all through the day.
Mills - Were you ever drunk on air?
Dave & Chris - No no no oooo (lying) Ive never ever been drunk on air.
Mills - Did you ever wake up in a hotel with no socks on?
Dave - No never done that, no, never fell asleep in the bosses office and missed a show either.
Chris - Never once fell asleep upstairs on a McCoys inflatable chair and rolled over with the chair lying on top of me and missed the first 20 minutes of the show.
Mills - Did you ever upstairs in the specialists office fallen asleep in front of the door so someone couldnt get in to actually wake you up?
Chris - (lying & laughing) No never done that, nope I was never drunk on the air in the early morning and announced the Cardigans with Lovefool record then found the word cardigans hilarious and started giggling for 2 minutes. No never done that either. What did you refer to Radio 1 text number the other week after the Brits.
Mills - (drunkenly) 8 double one double one double one double one.
Chris - There you go, lovely, but weve never done that on the air.

PART 2
Chris - Ive never seen you like this before.
Mills - What do you mean?
Chris - Sober, good morning, Ive just started doing that, Ive never done that before, thats Scott though and his Dj ways.
Mills - What, you havent done me before.
Chris - No, never... So what you want to do after the show? Do you want to take us out?
Mills - No , not really, but if you want to I suppose.
Chris - Will?
Will - I cant tonight.
Chris - Why not?
Will - Im very busy, im doing the cleaning. I could always get Scott to come round and do it though.
Chris - Cleaning, why, is your lass not about?
Will - Away again, yeah.
Chris - Dave?
Dave - Subject to approval.
Chris - Ahh excellent, uh Scott you fancy coming out for a few pints of water?
Mills - Im on the wagon.
Chris - Your on the wagon, why?
Mills - Because Sara Cox said it on her show and I thought I might as well do likewise. Ive not been feeling my best recently to be honest.
Chris - You know whats good for that though.
Mills - What?
Chris - Booze.
Mills - Yeah I know but thats the problem and then before you know it, its midnight again and ill be oh what ill do is ill sleep at work and it all goes wrong.
Chris - How much sleep do you need before doing the show?
Mills - Id say at least 2 to 3 hours.
Chris - Thats fine.
Mills - Not to be lashed before I get the 2 hours though.
Chris - Well Dave and I dont drink to get drunk, we drink to fill a social side of things.
Mills - Well so do I but I get up at 3am and thats rubbish cos your still drunk.
Chris - What we'll do is find you a nice quiet local, the blue lagoon...
Mills - As long as theres a place to sit down.
Dave - Be snug.
Chris - Yeah you can sit down near the fire if you want, what do you drink?
Mills - Im trying to stay off beer at the moment, ahh so Ill have some wine if thats alright but then that sort of makes me slightly mad.
Chris - Right, you dont want to get too drunk so you think its a good idea to sit in a pub and drink wine.
Mills - Well Ill have a few but I was on wine last Friday, remember after the Chappers and Comedy Dave thing, when you passed the phone over to your mum and I swore.
Dave - You were hanging.
Chris - Do you know what, my mum actually didnt realise that until I told her that you did.
Dave - You were talking to my mum.
Mills - Was I?
Dave - Yeah.
Chris - By the way I dont know how drunk you were last Friday but you werent drinking wine.
Mills - What was I drinking?
Chris - You were drinking lager and I asked you and you said pint of Grolsch in a really deep voice like the fella from Never The Twain. A pint of Grolsch would be lovely
Dave - Donald Sinden.
Mills - So weve had Jenson and Never the Twain.
Dave - Hi Kids, ask your parents.
Chris - Ahhh Sofari Sogoodie, right so did you embarrass yourself on Friday cos the boss was there.
Mills - I think he left before I got embarrassing. He did give me one of those nice bear hugs though. Do you get those at the moment?
Chris - What, off the boss?
Dave - We are talking bear as in the creature, not naked.
Chris - No Ive never had a bear hug off the boss. Is this a regular occurence?
Mills - Its reassuring.
Chris - Really.
Mills - Well as Dave will vouch we had a really good week.
Dave - Yeah well we did, I dont like to talk about it, you know the thousands that we raised for charity.
Mills - It was drink at the end of the week and he just came up to me and went man
Chris - (laughs) So Andy goes up to you, pats you on the back and says man. Wow, apparently his wife told me he goes out into the streets in the morning and goes lampost, sunshine, hes learning you see. Lets move on before we get fired.

PART 3
Chris - You might not know Scott from early breakfast and occasionally he fills in on that, whats the other show.
Mills - The Radio 1 Breakfast Show
Chris - You also do other extra cirricular activities
Mills - Thats what the Febreze is for
Chris - Email comes in from Michael. He heard you on the flight to Crete. He said you were very good, who am I kidding, it was rubbish, it was exactly the same show for the flight home.
Mills - Yeah its a 2 hour loop
Chris - So you still do these hotshot radio shows then
Mills - No no no, dont do them anymore (he really meant to say, yes he'd do anything for cash)
Chris - (adopts cheese voice) Hi Scott Mills here as we fly through the hits and the clouds.
Mills - No it was called...
Dave - Highlife
Mills - No it was called 360 FM
Chris - Well you would be worried if your plane would be doing that, just go one direction
Dave - Like a tailspin
Chris - Ok here for you is the Primitives (if you are under 18, Primitives only hit was in 1988 called Crash)
Dave - Heres Melanie C and Goin Down
Chris - Lets go back n time with a revived 45. Heres Glenn Miller, coming up next, Buddy Holly (both died in plane crashes)
Mills - You sort of have to be careful what you say. It depends what airline you do. Some of them your not allowed to talk about sex or pork.
Chris - Or Pork?
Dave - At the same time?
Chris - Yeah no talking about Meat or Curtains. You know that is so bizarre.
Dave - Do you get discounted flights though or upgrades on Britannia?
Mills - Upgrades?
Dave - Actually that was a stupid thing to say. Did they have a 1st class in Britannia.
Chris - I once into a very special airline and was in a chair on my own on a flight to America. As we were taxing out of the airport towards the runway, the tape was still on and they played the Primitives with Crash and I sat there and thought Are you taking the piss. I hate flying. Back from Dublin. The rattling. I tell you its worse than this desk it was. Then the pilot comes on all patronising to make scared people even more scared. sorry but there was a slight bit of turbulence.
Dave - Was this one of the budget airlines with the outdoor toilets?
Chris - I told this story before about the air stewards. Was coming back from Newcastle and I was sitting in the aisle seat and I heard this noise. I thought that didnt sound right. I looked over to one of the air stewardesses and they were pegging it down the aisle and I thought bugger. Im watching her run to the front and she just went and asked a woman if she wanted some more orange juice.

Mills tried his hand at advertising on the radio from looking at the newspapers and Dave tried it as well. Mills said he was Bright Pop. Sarah was filling in for Aled.
Chris thought they should give Scott a theme for tomorrows morning show. He asked him to pick a number from 1 to 51 and he chose 49 which was Moonlighting, 80's show which starred Bruce Willis and Cybil Shephard. He next picked 21, Dukes Of Hazzard. The last one was Alf. Chris sang along with made up lyrics in a high pitched voice. This is the best bit of the show, it was about 5:36pm.

Daves Tedious Link
Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Lead singer of the Chili Peppers is Anthony Kiedis who recently had a bit of a fling with busty supermodel Heidi Klum - Heidi Klum comes from Germany as does Boris Becker - Boris Becker is often seen at Wimbledon as is Uncle Bulgaria - Bulgaria's capital is Sofia - Sophia Loren is an Italian actress and shares her surname with Ralph Lauren - Ralph Lauren makes undercrackers - Undercrackers are usually underneath jeans - Genes are hereditory - Heredority rhymes with Predatory which is how you would describe a mountain lion - Lions have cubs - Cubs are just like dangerous kittens - Kittens rhymes with mittens - Mittens are a type of unisex glove which means they are both worn by Boys and Girls - Which links us to Blur and Girls and Boys.

Wednesday 19th March 2003 (Sidla/Sam/Bob) [Posted Wednesday, March 19 2003 by Uglybob]

Will Kinder is back on the show today after his bout of the runs yesterday. Will said he was very bored watching daytime TV. Most of the TV was filled with coverage of the debate in parliament yesterday so it's understandable that Will was bored. He said even Kilroy was about 'My mum's got fish'. Chris asked Will if he resorted to his secret collection of porn, but Will said that kind of action wouldn't really help matters.
Chris and Will had been sent some shoes and Will had trouble putting them on. Dave told him to try putting them on with the tongue out and Will stuck out his tongue and said No, it still doesn't work. This had Dave in stitches because he'd never heard that gag before. This prompted a link full of cheap gags. One of the best was when Chris went to the doctors and he told the doctor it hurt when he pokes his leg, it hurts when he pokes his stomach and it
hurts when he pokes his chest. The doctor told him he'd broke his finger!
Something happened at about 15:30 and the show went off the air. I've always wanted this to happen to see if the emergency DAT really does kick in with Daniel Beddingfield and it did! Chris didn't say what happened to make the show go off the air, he just said We went through a bridge. He blamed it on Miles he's in charge of the studio.

Today’s guest was Comic Relief does Fame Academy Winner Will Mellor.
Chris took the mick out of him for crying on live TV. On the first night Chris was cringing because Will was awful, but he really improved during the week. He’s seriously considering signing a record deal, he’s had a top 5 hit before but that was because of Hollyoaks. If he does it he’d rather have a song he’d written himself at number 30 just so people would listen to him and take him seriously. He thinks Kwame’s got a voice like silk, and says he’s amazing. Will as seen the clip of him talking to the red noses, he cringed.
Dave had a go at singing Wills single from a few years back. For some reason I have a copy of this. (THIS WAS SAM, NOT SIDLA OR BOB I HASTEN TO ADD) Dave murdered it, and Will said it would have been hell of a lot easier to go up against him in the Fame Academy.
It was Karoake time as Chris wheeled out the Stars In Their Eyes compact disc. It was Will who was the victim, he had to sing When I Need You, which was the Will Mellor cover he got in the top 5. Chris played sound effects to try and put him off.
Will chose 7 on the cd and he sang My Heart Will Go On. Chris was disappointed with him so he told him to sing Man I Feel Like A Woman, which Will sang in a cockney stylee and ended with Wills personal choice which was Bryan Adams and Everything I Do.
Chris had more ideas for Scott Mills being his bitch. He wanted him to come in tomorrow and do Daves' ironing, get them tea and chores. Scott will be in from 4 as part of the bet. Spoony asked for Scott to get him some new jokes for his show. Spoony was playing golf again. Dave said that Scott could polish his balls for him. Chris asked if he ever played with Jimmy Tarbuck or Brucey. Chris asked if he skinned himself after the golf.

Daves Tedious link
James Born Of Frustration - James is the surname of the Australian Chatshow host Clive James - Clive James shares the same christian name as the Radio 1 Legend Clive Warren - The word warren is usually referred to as a home for rabbits - Rabbits have large protruding teeth as has Cilla Black - Cilla Black is the legendary host of Surprise Surprise , so good they named the show twice - Twice ryhmes with Mice which is the plural for Mouse - The most famous mouse in the world is Mickey - Mickey is mates with Donald - Donald was the surname of former Take That member Howard Donald - Howard was famous for looking rough - Rough rhymes with Bruff as in the Three Billy Goats bruff - And according to legend the Three Billy Goats went across a bridge or something where there was some evil trolls which lived under the bridge - Which links us to Under The Bridge by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Under The Bridge

Tuesday 18th March 2003 (Sidla/Sam/Bob) [Posted Tuesday, March 18 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris had been in Dublin at the weekend but he didn't trust himself to stay for St. Patrick's day. He didn't think he'd be back in time to do the show. Chris's family didn't know Chris was going to Dublin, but Chris' dad tipped them off. Chris sat in the hotel bar discussing with his friends where they were going to go during the weekend and they left the bar at 2 in the morning.
Will is not on the show because in the words of Dave he has a 'dicky tummy'. Producing the show today is 'Emlyn' who has worked his way up from the Radio 1 breakfast show up to the dizzy heights of the Scott Mills early breakfast show. Apparently Emlyn hasn't cut his hair for 4 years and he looks like Hugh Grant. Chris asked Emlyn if there was anything he could do for him and Emlyn replied Well, you could play a record.
Dave has a guess who which he saw in an Irish drinking establishment in South London at the weekend. It was Bonnie Tyler who he saw in Tommy Flynn's pub socialising with friends. Chris has 2 Guess Who's from the weekend. The first one was Ruby Wax. Dave couldn't guess who it was even though he found out she was in Fame Academy. In his defence he said he was out of touch with Fame Academy because he'd been away touring 92 football clubs for a week.
The second guess who was one of the Corrs. Chris wasn't sure which one it was but he was fairly certain it was Sharon. He said she shouldn't be confused with Apple Corr and On Corr. Chris phoned ill Will (lovely little jingle accompained this, should hopefully be sound vaulted soon) to see how he was. Basically the world is falling out of his bottom (his words not mine), but he hasn't been to the toilet for a whole 20 minutes now. He hopes he can come back to work tomorrow as daytime TV is more than a man can endure.
Garrido, Ahh, Saviour Of the Universe, well thats what Moyles thought anyway. Chris thought Sport Monkey had a superhero type name like Flash Gordon and played clips and inserted the word Garrido.
Chris said that he listened to the radio whilst in Dublin and to the local station which for some reason uses Sara Cox in the morning but their own programming afterwards. Chris made fun of the 6pm person Wayne Richter Scales and was on the radio website and said he had wacky answers to a Q&A page. Example
What would you say before you kick the bucket?
A. Oh look theres a bucket, lets kick it
Chris talked about Tara Palmer Tompkinson on Spoony's show last night. He said that her favourite type of music was Gangsta Rap. Dave said that she probably likes all the big acts like Kriss Kross. Spoony is filling in for Dave Pearce. Dave said that he must have had to cancel his round of golf. Chris said that Pete Tong is away to Miami now for the Winter Conference. Chris said that they go there and listen to records and sit in the sunshine and then come back a month later when you can probably buy them in HMV. Tony Byrne is also there in Miami. Chris knew this because he played his mobile message. Spoony shouted in the background, Chris took the pee out of him as per usual.
At 5:35pm, for the turd time, Will was finally caught sitting on the bog. He said his arse is sore. He hadnt examined his poo afterwards. Chris wanted Will to flush the chain for him. Will said that he hadnt read any magazines on the bog because he if keeps the door open he can watch the television.

Daves Tedious Link
Commodores Easy - Easy is the type of word you might give to heavy topped revellers such as Linzey Dawn Macenzie and Jordan - In addition to late nights and boob jobs, the word Jordan is also a Formula 1 team and traditionally made crunch bars - Crunch rhymes with Munch as in the Munch Bunch who were famous for producing Yoghurt - Yoghurt is full of bacteria as is Wills flat - Wills flat provides the setting for todays day off as he tries to shake off his upset tummy - The word tummy shares many of the same letters as the word Timmy as in Timmy Magic who makes 1/3 of the world famous Dreem Teem - The president of the Dreem Teem is Mr Spoon - Mr Spoon used to live on Button Moon - Button Moon is a fictional as is Erinsborough - Erinsborough shares many of the same letters as Erin Brokovich which was a film starring Julia Roberts - Julia Roberts is a woman (debatable) as is Wendy James from Transvision Vamp - And Wendy James shares the same surname as West Ham goalie David Calamity James - Which links us to James and Born Of Frustration

Friday 14th March 2003 RND03 (SIDLA, SAM, BOB) [Posted Friday, March 14 2003 by Uglybob]

Moyles was in a battle to get more texts for Comedy Relief than the breakfast show. He asked everybody listening to text in order to put Mills in his place. Scott Mills got 37,000 texts, Moyles was aiming to get at least 100,000. Scott lost 4000 texts because the listeners were too thick to send the right words in the text messages. Chris said that if Mills lost he would be the show's bitch next week. Chris said he would put Scott in a lead and sit him in the corner of the studio!
Nearly every link in the first hour was filled with Chris going on about this. Chris was pleased that Will was still in the Fame Academy and he urged everyone to vote for him.
Comedy Relief today was Ray Stubbs and Mark Lawrenson, and they arrived at 4:00. Ray genuinely seemed to be pleased to be there but Mark was told he'd get to meet Sara Cox and was disappointed. They cleared up the rumour that Mark hated Leeds, he said its not true at all which pleased Moyles. Ray and Chris met last year at the Great North Run, and Chris got the better time of the two. Chris admitted hating every minute of the run because he put so much pressure on himself to complete it in under two hours (incase your wondering, he made it in one hour 57). They picked on Mark because he didn't run it, so he said he'd run and beat both of them this year. Chris: “Is that challenge?” Mark: “unless I have to work”. This was followed by lots of groaning and Chris saying sarcastically “oh yeah, that’s right, it’s the Kidderminster Tiddlywinks Finals on that day isn’t it, you have to cover that!”
A surprise guest on the show today was Jamie Redknapp. He and Moyles bumped into each other in a restaurant on holiday a few months ago. Spurs had thrown in a training day into the football competition as well plus a load of goodies, to make up the fact that they mucked them about at the start. Chris was also invited down but no Leeds shirts are allowed. Chris: “That’s alright, I’ll wear my Leeds socks and undercrackers instead.”
Mark Lawrenson had to leave the show at 4:45pm because he was hosting a phone in at 5:15 on Radio 5 Live. Mark wasnt listening to Missy Elliott on purpose. Dave and Chappers were stuck in traffic at 4:40 but like the best dramas they got in the studio with 3 seconds to go. All through the show the countdown jingle was played with a deep voiced male. This could have been Chris recorded himself and changed the levels to make him sound like Barry White. Maybe Aled could tell us that. I did text in on Wednesday so Im not feeling guilty. You can see Dave and Chappers on Football Focus tomorrow after the Saturday Show at 12 noon on... Saturday 15th March on BBC1. Jon Culshaw was in the studio but only spoke as Ozzy, Bobby Robson and Bruno for about a minute at 4:59pm
The Items were given away after 5pm to Meera from Reading, who supported Reading and Liverpool. She was against a Man Utd fan. She decided to give him the signed Roy Keane shirt that was in the prizes. The competition was done during the two records which was asking them 5 questions about the Comic Relief Football Challange.

The data is
104,590 TEXTS TODAY
THEY HAVE RAISED... WAIT FOR IT JUST UNDER A QUARTER OF A MILLION (245,000)
WELL DONE TO DAVE AND CHAPPERS AND TO ALL WHO TEXTED IN. 70P FROM EVERY TEXT MESSAGE GOES DIRECTLY TO COMIC RELIEF. EVERY BIT OF MONEY HELPS.

NO TEDIOUS LINK TODAY

Thursday 13th March 2003 Sam/Bob [Posted Thursday, March 13 2003 by Uglybob]



Today’s Comedy Relief was Michael Greco, and Chris and Will informed the listeners that he’s not as thick as everybody thinks he is.
Dave and Chris had a target amount of money they wanted to raise for Comic Relief, and they are very close to reaching it, so they were asking for a big push on text messages. To encourage this, Michael made up a jingle to say what the text number was in a Live and Kicking/The Big Breakfast stylie. Yesterday The Chris Moyles Show received twice as many text messages as the rest of radio one all together, which Chris said could possibly have saved his career as he missed a very important meeting last week which could have had him fired. The football shirts are worth a lot of money: Michael brought at a charity auction a signed Roy Keane shirt that cost him £2000. He reckons that all together the shirts are worth about half a million.
The team had Ruby Wax on the phone from the Fame Academy house. Chris said she could walk into any West End musical as soon as she finds her pitch, she’s sure its around somewhere. If she could have anybody turn up to the Academy she’d choose Prince Charles; “which just goes to show how far gone I am”. Tonight she will be singing ‘I’m leader of the pack’, but is very sure she will be out tonight as Will and Kwame are so good. In her head she is singing the musical version of Apocalypse, but Chris told her she brings something to the show that Will and Kwame can’t even touch. Ruby: “What, breasts?”
Michael Greco performed a song, “They both reached for the gun”, from ‘Chicago’ which he is staring in. He gave a little overview of the play so the audience understood what was going on. This was just plain weird, so not the sort of thing you’d ever normally hear on Chris’s show. He was good, but it felt very bizarre and out of place.
Michael Greco promised to deliver the world famous catchphrase from Britains Sexiest if they got 30,000 text messages. It was duly broken.

DAVE UPDATE
Dave got Ronnie O Sullivan and his snooker mates at a tournament in Torquay to sign some snooker balls to add to the already heaving booty that someone will win tomorrow afternoon. They were decamped in a bar at the moment at Exeter, home of spoon bender Uri Gellar, who signed a couple of Exeter shirts. At 5:35, they were back on the bus going to Dorchester and onto Bournemouth.

FA ALED
Doon was voted out so that leaves Will, Ruby and Kwame. One will go tonight again. Will sung Still by The Commodores, Ruby sung Leader Of The Pack and Kwame sung Kiss From a Rose. Doon was a luvvy afterwards in the press conference. She said that she had enormous fun. Chris girlfriend said that Ruby didnt look a million miles away from the real Pink. Ruby invaded the CBBC studio today, talking to the camera as though as its a real person.

Michaels Tedious Link
The Cure Love Song - A cure is what you would expect to get if you went to see a doctor about a medical problem - One of the most famous doctors was Dr Who - Dr Who traveled through space in a tardis - The tardis was disguised as an old fashioned police box - These days the police dont have boxes, they have walkie talkies and panda cars - Panda cars were named because they were black and white - TV's used to be black and white until the invention of snooker - Snooker is played by two people with pockets, cues and balls - Snooker is a tricky game to play if you are just starting out but if you were say Stephen Hendry or Rocket Ronnie you'd say its easy - Which links us to The Commodores and Easy

Wednesday 12th March 2003 (Sidla/Sam/Bob) [Posted Wednesday, March 12 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris left it up to Gail to say something funny and exciting to open the show with. She said bo****ks. Chris said they should start as they mean to go on, so the Moped parody was played. Chris was talking about the classic TV that Gail has done in the past such as Dot.Comedy. Chris asked if that show was ever recommisioned and funnily enough it wasn't. Chris asked Gail what she thought of the 'Mario - Just A Friend' record and she said she didn't like it. Chris said the first rule of working on Radio 1 is that you have to like all the records. He asked her again what she thought of the record and she said she loved it.
Chris asked Gail if Dan would come out with them tonight, but Gail said he would be watching Fame Academy. Chris asked Gail to persuade Dan to come out, so Gail said she'd try.
Chris had Kwame from Comic Relief does Fame Academy on the phone, but they had some difficulties with the phone line, so Will pretended to be him instead. They finally got him on the line and he said that in the house he gets on particley well with Will, Ruby and Doon, which is everyone. Chris tells him to have a go at Richard Park tonight if he moans about his singing, and kick his ass. Kwame promises to do so, and to tell him to get up and sing himself, see how well he does.
Chris kept referring to Gail as mad as she kept going on tangents about complete rubbish like Shark attacks and Meatloaf. Chris played When The Boat Comes In because Scottie is about in the studio. Georgina had a coughing fit during the 5 news. David Garrido, sport monkey, also chuckled during the sport round up. Chris asked if management came to help. Chris said that Rod Macenzie has her P45 in the post.
Aled couldnt burp on air when asked. Chris said that todays show resembled a hospital radio show

FA ALED
Clip heavy today. 4 left tonight as Ulrika left. Will Mellor thanked Chris Moyles on the live show. Aled joined the press conference and Ulrika wasnt very nice and uncomfortable. Aled was scared of her and put her down several times on air. Chris said the sound was like the Death Star in Star Wars. Ulrika sounded more posh more than usual. She clearly didnt want to be there. Chris said she sounded alright. Chris refused to back Ruby Wax. He still wanted Will Mellor to win. He said that Doon is on another planet.
The second question was What have you got to say to Chris Moyles? They all knew who Chris was, which is a start.

Ruby Well hi chris and im sorry that you couldnt come here yourself and you sent a lackey
Kwame Wassup Man
Will I was talking to him today and he was giving me a lot of confidence, bigging me up and im just chuffed he did that (other shout fix). Ive heard a lot about you Aled, your very pretty
Doon - Madwoman, gibberish

DAVE
They will be doing the Welsh region tonight and then to Bristol around 9am. They are back on schedule. Made a pun out of Kwame saying he will be singing Kwame a River by Justin Timberlake, cue long comedy punchline music, at the second airing.

Gails Tedious Link
David Bowie Lets Dance - David Bowie is well known as a singer but also as an actor and starred in the film Labrynth - A labryinth is a sort of complicated maze - Maze is more commonly known as a sweetcorn - Sweetcorn used to be advertised by the Jolly Green Giant - Another green giant was the Green Cross Code man played by the actor David Prowse - Dave Prowse was also the man behind the Darth Vader costume but didnt provide the voice - The voice of Darth Vader was James Earl Jones - He also was the narrator of the 1995 film Judge Dredd - Judge Dredd soundtrack had a song by the Cure called the Dredd Song - Which links us to The Cure and Love Song

Tuesday 11th February 2003 (sidla/sam/bob) [Posted Tuesday, March 11 2003 by Uglybob]

Today's Comedy replacement is Pete Waterman. Pete said that he hopes that Chris doesn't expect him to be as good as Tony was yesterday. Pete said that he doesn't get why Blue are so popular, he said all the songs seem to sound the same. Chris asked Pete if he could name all of the members ofBlue, but Pete couldn't name any of them. Pete bought some singles at the weekend and Chris was trying to guess what the were. Chris guess at DJ Sammy (surely Pete has more taste) and Melanie C. Will guessed Misteeq. Pete said he likes the Turin Brakes record, he
said it sounded like one of the EMI bands from around the late 60s period. Pete wins a bet with Chappers after he said that he would never get to Luton Town from Northampton Town in half an hour. One of the records Pete Waterman brought at the weekend was Eve and Alicia Keys – Gangsta Lovin’.
Because John Thompson got voted out of Comic Relief does Fame Academy last night the only person the team wants to win now is Will Mellor, and they had him on the phone. Pete told a story about when Will came to see him at a studio one time and had had his speakers and stereo nicked out of his car. Will said he’s doing alright but he gets really nervous. Chris talked about the time they were out with Will in Manchester and he was really drunk as he got up to do kareoke, but still did really well. Chris: “He couldn’t say my name but could still belt out Mustang Sally.” Am I the only one that thinks that Chris was quite possibly bladdered as well and therefore wouldn’t know the difference between good singing and bad singing?
Chris and Will were both gutted that John went out because Will says they became good mates and have had a really good laugh. Chris went running last night and had to be really fast because he wanted to get back for Fame Academy. Will got really drunk on TV and kept falling over, and accused the red noses of staring at him. Chris: “You were there saying ‘Why are ya staring at me? Stop staring.’ And then you rubbed your eyes and muttered ‘I’m so drunk’!” Chris offered to tell Will about what was going on in the outside world (against the rules if you didn’t know) and Will asked if United beat Leeds. This made Chris change his tune and say: “no, sorry, can’t discuss the outside world with you!” I thought this whole interview was very funny, perhaps because everyone knew each other and they were able to bounce off each other quite nicely.

FA ALED
Chris said that Ulrika has cracking breasts and thats why she stayed in. John was supposed to be in but was a bit down. Aled got to speak to him last night. John said some were a bit too serious in there and that it was Comic Relief. He said Will, Ulrika and Kwame are taking it too seriously. Will is self effacing, hes good but he puts himself down. John wanted Will to win because he is talented but hasnt got much confidence. Probationers tonight and songs.

Ulrika - Close To You by The Carpenters (Pete said she murdered it 6/10)
Doon - Somebodys Elses Guy by Jocyln Brown (Pete said it was good 8/10)
Will - Handbags and Gladrags by Chris Farlowe (Pete said 9/10)

DAVE
Tottenham are being arsey with them and said that they wont have anyone there to give them a shirt or meet them. Chappers lost 50 quid after he Pete betted that he wouldnt get from Northampton to Luton in 30 minutes. Chappers said they would, oh dear. Nationwide will donate £100 for each club that Dave and Chappers visit. If they visit all the 92 teams they will up it to £10000.

Petes Tedious Link
Fatback Band I Found Lovin - Fatback rhymes with Hunchback as in Hunchback Of Notre Dame - Notre Dame is a famous church - Charlotte Church is a famous opera singer - She made a pop record recently - Pop records are what made Pete Waterman famous as a producer - Will Kinder is also a producer but a different sort, ie hes not famous and hes not rich - Will had a crush on the Hitman and Hers Michaela Strachan - If Wil was to meet Michaela in a club he might say Lets Dance - Which links us to David Bowie and Lets Dance

Monday 10th March 2003 (Sidla/Sam/Bob) [Posted Monday, March 10 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris told Tony that since the new Radio 1 studios were built, after 5pm the studio starts shaking because of the tube line right next to the studio. Chris also said that if Tony does well today then the weekend schedule needs shaking up. Jazz FM and Real Radio told Tony that every time he mentions their stations he'll get a £200 bonus. Tony asked Chris if he thought Dave would be worried about his job while he was there. Chris also joked that Tony had selected all the records for today's show when Something Corporate came on and Tony said Wow, I love this! Tony said that if that song had been around when he opened Radio 1 it would have been the sort of song he'd have opened with, he said he could have opened and closed with it at the same time!
Tony watched Reborn in the USA and he thought the performances by Dollar and Sonia were very interesting, he thought Sonia really over dramatised it. Tony's favourite was Tony Hadley and he thinks he will win. Chris said he's never understood why these celebrities go and do reality TV shows anyway, and Tony said Well no, I don't. I suppose they're just desperate for publicity really!
Tony started flirting with George after the news telling her what a good job she did. Chris told him to stop because she's young enough to be his daughter. George said More like granddaughter, so Tony said Actually you didn't do that good of a job. As a side topic Georgina won our poll for the best looking person on Newsbeat, she wins nothing.
Dave was on the phone and they predictably did the old satellite delay gag. Chris asked Dave if they'd got any VIP treatment. He said Nottingham Forest had laid on a special buffet for them. Chris joked that Dave would be pretty much sorted for away tickets now. Dave said it was an honour to have Tony filling in his seat, but Tony said he considered it a privilege to have been asked.
Tony joked that he should have brought some of his old pop songs in. He said that he wasn't allowed to play them when he was on Radio 1, but now 20 years later Chris could have played them all to death and make him rich from all the royalties.
The team had John Thompson on the phone – he is on probation tonight on Comic Relief does Fame Academy (Who came up with that mouthful of a name? What was wrong with Celebrity Fame Academy?). Chris encourages people to vote for him to stay in, as tomorrow he will have to do ballet. Chris is supposed to be supporting Will Mellor but has always been a fan of Johns so is in a bit of a dilemma. When he gets out John promises to come in and see the team. They talk about Cold Feet and Chris admitted crying at it last night. He knew someone was going to die but not who, and he was sat on his own in his flat crying like a baby, bless his little heart.
Tony Blackburn asked whether Pete Waterman would be bringing in some fish with him tomorrow. Tony is a vegetarian and has been since he was 5. When he was 5 he went to a farm and saw some lovely chickens and the next time he saw them, they were cooked and on his plate. Chris said that he loves animals and he also likes the taste of them.
Chris bought the Red Hot Chili Peppers album and 4 Beatles albums as he has no Beatles albums on CD. Tony asked him why he didnt just ask the record company to send him them free.
The news said they had 2 pyschics from Living Tv are trying to get a seance with Princess Di. Georgina was ticked off again by Tony. They mentioned Jazz FM and Real Radio again.

FA ALED
Chris wants John to win. Paul Ross was reported to be gutted. Fearne has gone on holiday for a few days after being voted out in Saturday. Paul Mckenna came in on Saturday to help Ulrika. Tony asked why Richard Park doesnt just play himself on the show. They cant even get BBCi on the Tv screen. Doon started crying after Ulrika yapped at her. Ulrika is being bitchy.

(p)John - And I Love Her by Beatles (VOTE 09011 154002 - RING NOW TO KEEP HIM IN)
(p)Ulrika - Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon
(p)Kwame - You Are The Sunshine Of My Life by Stevie Wonder
Will - Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton
Ruby Wax - Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne (should be the highlight)
Doon - Loving You by Minnie Riperton

Tonys Tedious Link
Beatles Magical Mystery Tour - Beetles is also an insect - Insects have six legs - Spiders have 8 legs - The pop band Blue have 8 legs between them - Blue had a hit with One Love - One Love is the advertising strap line for Radio 1 - Radio 1 is where Tony Blackburn gained his fame back then in 1967 - Fame was a popular tv show in the early 80's - Fame Academy is on this week for Comic Relief - Fame Academy is a reality show, a bit like Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here which had Uri Gellar Darren Day and Nell McAndrew - And if you encountered Nell McAndrew you might say I Found Loving - Which links us to the Fatback Band and I Found Lovin

Friday 7th March 2003 [Posted Friday, March 7 2003 by Uglybob]

Dave and Chappers are going to set off on their football club challenge at 5 o'clock today.

Next weeks Comedy Relief line-up:
Monday: Tony Blackburn
Tuesday: Pete Waterman
Wednesday: Gail Porter
Thursday: Michael Greco
Friday: Ray Stubbs and Mark Lawrenson

Including other guest all through the week. The guest sidekicks will also be doing the Tedious
Links, which should be interesting.
Fame Academy Aled was back! Tonight is the first ‘Comic Relief does Fame Academy’ episode, however one of the celebs won’t even make it into the house, and will be voted off by the viewers. Chris is going to be supporting Will Mellor because he thinks he's a great bloke. He was voted off first on The Weakest Link so he thinks it's only fair that he's not voted off first tonight.

Links
www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday
and
http://www.bbc.co.uk/fameacademy/
and
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chrismoyles/news/comic_relief/tour_dates1_sat.shtml

Daves Phoned Tedious Link
Groove Armada At The River - The Spanish Armada was what Christopher Columbus set sail in when he discovered Australia (sorry am i thinking thats completely wrong) - Australia is where Lassiters Hotel Complex is situated in which is part owned by Udi Gower - Mr Udi Gower is from Japan as is Mr Miyagi from the Karate Kid Trilogy - Karate Kid was played by the actor Ralph Machio - Ralph Machio shares his forename with Ralf Schumacher who in turn shares the same surname as Michael Schumacher - Literally translated Schumacher means Shoe Maker which is a term for someone who manufactures shoes - The home of shoe manufacturing is Northampton - Northampton Town is the 56th club Dave will be visiting this week as part of the Comic Relief Football Challenge after starting the trip tonight at Wigan and Carlisle which will be where the mystery machine is to take them on a journey on a Magical Mystery Tour - Which links us to Magical Mystery Tour by the BEATLES.

Pete Tong joined Chris for the last segment where he talked about Mark Lamarr doing impressions for him a couple of days ago of Michael Jackson. Lamarr is now on a weekly mentioning challenge it seems to take the piss out of Chris. Its a long story why. Basically it began when Chris was a contestant on the show Never Mind The Buzzcocks and didnt do particular well. Lamarr ripped the piss out of him on the show and Chris took it thick. Chris then played Lamarr clips on the radio where he cut them up so they werent funny. Looking at some of the attempted humour on Buzzcocks, id have kept the clips together.

Thursday 6th March 2003 [Posted Thursday, March 6 2003 by Uglybob]

It’s Chris’s dad’s birthday today, so Chris wished him a good day and told him to stay out of trouble. Chris got the audience to vote for their favourite clocks remix. The choice’s were Calypso clocks, Moped, Rockafella clocks. This was fine until Will messed up again and the votes for Rockafella Clocks didn’t show up. So they put on ‘the gallery’ music and dragged in Georgie boy Scottie to sort it. This went on for a while, which lead to Chris to comment ‘I have a funny feeling we won’t get nominated for a Sony this year’.

Sheldon Diffusion was on the phone after 5pm. Sheldon got 70% of the votes. His wife voted twice by text message. Chris made a joke to Aled saying I told you he wasnt gay. Sheldon is looking to follow up his Bargain Hunt Booty because the Duke is back on the tv next Thursday. He also plugged his dance combo of Emmet. Go to

http://www.diffusiononline.net/


Chris planned night out with the team didnt go exactly to plan. Well none of it did really. Will and Lizzie went out together and were too drunk to remember to join Dave and Chris. This led Chris and Dave and their intended watching of Leeds Man Utd were hampered because not one channel was showing it live, not even on the overseas illegal ones that pubs use. Add to the fact the Man Utd won, it was a bad night all round.
Dave Pearce is ill... again so DJ Spoony filled in. Chris did the how sick is he joke again.

Daves Tedious Link
Embrace All You Good Good People - Embrace are from Huddersfield as is Zoe Lucker who plays Tanya Turner in Footballers Wives - Footballers wears socks as do cross country skiers - Skiers rhymes with tears - Tears on My Pillow was originally a hit in 1975 by Johnny Nash - Nash rhymes with Gash which is what you might do with your knee if you fell out of a cable car - Stuart Cable is the drummer in the Stereophonics - Stereophonics are from Wales as is Sian Lloyd, the weather lady - Weather With You was a hit for Crowded House - Crowded House were fronted by Neil Finn - Sharks have fins as do Halibuts - Halibuts sounds a bit like Halle Berry - Bury in Lancashire is the home town of the band Elbow - The elbow is the crucial part of your arm in the event of sports fishing - Sport Fishing Competitions always take place in or near water such as out in the open sea or At The River - Which links us to Groove Armada and At The River

Wednesday 5th March 2003 Sidla/Sam/BOB [Posted Wednesday, March 5 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris was reading an article about himself featured in Loaded. It said they still go on about him being fat. The article said he once flashed a Zoë Ball, but Chris said as far as he knows he never has. The article also said that Chris once got a Russian lap dancer on the show. What show were they listening to? Chris said the closest thing to them getting a lap dancer on the show was when they got a page 3 model to model football shirts. (The page 3 was called Jade Cartwright).
Chris was very pleased that TATU was no longer number 1. Dave said that he thought it was because the novelty of Russian lesbians had worn off. Chris said the novelty of Russian lesbians will never ever wear off.
More interpretations of Clocks: Someone had mixed Clocks with the Bongo Song which wasn't bad, but Greyhead had edited it down so the end sounded dodgy. Another one was mixed with Barbie Girl, which was appalling. Someone tried to mix as many songs as they could with Clocks, songs included Shiny Disco Balls, Thong Song, Fill Me In, Staying Alive, The Real Slim Shady, Independent Women. This version was very good. Dave's favourite was still the calypso version. Chris's favourite was still Moped. Leeds are playing tonight, so Chris played his parody of Beautiful again. The team said hello to Edith, who is the newest listener to Radio 1.
Chris read out some stories from the paper, and he and Dave talked about what a great idea ‘Reborn in the USA’ is. They are both really looking forward to it, no sarcasm! Apparently one of the contestants have walked out before it has even started. Presented by Davina McCall... again, the show has 9 acts on the road in America. The acts from what I can remember is friend of the show Limahl from Kajagoogoo, Michelle Gayle, Gina G, Dollar, Tony Hadley from Spandau Ballet, Then Jericho and Sonia.
Chris complained about the amount of junk emails they get, especially porn. Chris joked that Will accidentally deleted it and asked for the person to re-send. Will tried to dig himself out of a hole by saying that he clicked on it by mistake and then deleted it. Dave wanted to say about a funny topic on email from a porn advert but Will wouldnt let him. Something about 18 holes anyway. Chris asked people to get on their webcam and film them waving and send it to him. At the end he said that most of them were 15 year olds on the most geekier side. Chris wanted to prolong this feature with foreign people sending in their waves.
Football talk ensued with Dave wanting Newcastle and Man Utd to get beat. Aleds mum went to the match at Park Avenue only to see it washed out. The team are all going out for a drink but Will was a little bit apprehensive because he always ends up somewhere else. Chris dreamt of buying a pub with Will as bar manager, Dave would be events coordinator and Aled as a bouncer. Chris would ban all Woo Woos, Spritzers and BabyChams. Dave thought it was very common women drinking pints. He would stock scampi fries and pepperami's. Chris said that his pub would be beside the Indian. He would put an arcade in and a fruit machine. Dave talked about the Spot The Difference machine with nudey pictures that got dirtier after 9pm. Chris get pissed off with his radio in his car. He doesnt know how to turn off the travel updates. If youve a Clio or some other car, your cd gets auto stopped when a local travel update comes on the radio. Chris had the unfortunateness to catch Dr Fox after the travel talking to Dannii Minogue and he said it was the biggest ass kissing interview he has ever heard.
He went on to talk about her

Chris - Dannii Minogue used to be good fun and now shes turned into a real mardy. Since that time she came in on my birthday, its a shame because I always like Dannii Minogue. And shes fit as well, looking good, saw her on CD:UK the other week and you know, you wouldnt kick her out of bed on a Monday morning. Shes worth being late for work for. Shes a piece of ass. But shes takes herself too seriously, bearing in mind this is the woman that releases one single a year.
Dave - She got the right hump with you, didnt she
Chris - She did not go down well at all
Dave - well A/ Didnt you say that the stage show she was in was mediocre
Chris - No I never saw it, she was in a musical for the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I cant even remember what I said but she didnt take it well
Dave - Well it wasnt complimentary
Chris - Well no, I didnt mean to be rude, I just said that it sounded rubbish
Dave - Yeah... funny how she took that the wrong way (sarcasm noted)
Chris - Yeah but that was just my opinion, Im not going to sit here and kiss her ass just for the sake of it, well id love to see her naked but thats another story...... (trail)

Daves Tedious Link
Jurassic 5 - Take the Jurassic away from Jurassic 5 and you are left 5 which made Ritchie Neville temporarily famous - Ritchie dated Billie Piper - Billie shares her surname with Matt Piper who plays for Sunderland - It is looking increasingly likely that Sunderland are going down - Going Down was a Top 5 hit in 1999 for Mel C - Melanie C is from Widnes - Witness was a 1985 film starring Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis - Kelly McGillis played Tom Cruises love interest in Top Gun even though she wasnt that good looking, much like the woman who played the role of Miss McKenzie in the first Busted video and who is actually a moose - Moose rhymes with Juice as in Orange Juice or OJ in America where they serve it was pancakes and maple syrup - A syrup is Cockney Rhyming slang for a wig - Another word for a wig is a rug - Rug rhymes with Hug - And a hug is a type of warm and loving embrace - Which links us to Embrace and All You Good Good People

Tuesday 4th March 2003 (Sam/Sidla [Posted Tuesday, March 4 2003 by Uglybob]

Chris had got a gag, Will wanted to tease it but they were shot of material, so Chris said he may as well tell it now. He gave the team the choice of long or short punch-line music and they said they'd better use the long one to drag it out as much as possible.
Here's the joke:
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road (Chris insists that most Irish people are actually really intelligent, this would be correct as we keep whipping your asses when the exam results come out).
The first man looks into the mirror and says I know that face, but I can't think of the name. The second Irishman looks into it and says Ah, you idiot. That's me! Cue long punch-line music.
Derren Brown will be on the show later. Dave and Aled had never seen him before, but Chris and Will said they're fascinated by his stuff. When Will phoned his agent he said 'Hi, it's Will Kinder from Radio 1' and Derren's agent said 'Radio 1, what's that?' Will also told the agent he was thinking of going to see the live act but his agent told him not to bother because it's not very good! Newsbeat was swarming down to the studio to try and get an interview with Derren, but Will refused to allow it before they'd interviewed him first.

Today’s Guest was Derren Brown.
Aled and Dave had never seen Derren’s show, so Chris got him to explain it. He said that it’s a sort of mind-control show, it appears as physic but its not, it’s all about predicting how people are going to think. They talked about a trick on his show, where he stood behind a screen and holds out his hands. The person on the other side of the screen had to put their hand over one of his, and he guessed which one. Nine times out of Ten he got it right. He said its all about following a pattern, each person would try and catch him out so you have to stay one step ahead. Normally he would just do it with one person but it worked the same way with ten as they can see what each other
Derren showed one of his tricks to Aled. Aled put a pound coin in one of his fists and Derren had to guess which one. He bet £50 that he would get it right three times. When Derren asked ‘is it in the right hand’ and ‘is it in the left hand’ Aled was told to say yes both times. Because his eyes flickered when he answered yes to right Derren guessed correctly which hand it was in. Then by guessing Aleds pattern of change he got it correct twice more, winning himself £50. This even impressed Dave, who commented: “You must be the king of rock, paper, scissors!”
Chris opened the phone lines and Derren predicted what letter people were thinking of. All through this Dave became more and more scepticle. Chris said that there was no way he was 32 because he had a huge bald patch.

Comic Relief UPDATE - Go to 92 clubs and pick a piece of memorabilia to each club. Chappers and Dave leave at 5pm. Chappers Choppers appeal revealed today that JJB Sports are giving them a donation of a helicopter. They first go to Wigan. Chappers is interested in getting a flick or red through his hair. Dave refused to dye his hair red. He wanted Blue instead but Chris said its Red Nose Day and not Blue Nose Day. Chris wanted a competition whereby Dave is against Chappers in a quiz and the loser gets their hair dyed red. Chris agreed to rig it so Dave wins. Daves replacements are
Monday - Tony Blackburn
Tuesday - Pete Waterman
Chris said Mr Stubbs for Friday so that means Ray Stubbs on Friday.

Daves Tedious Link
Beastie Boys Fight For Your Right To Party - Beastie Boys were a trio which is one less than the 4 Tops - The 4 Tops recorded Loco In Acupulco which appeared on the soundtrack to the film Buster - The film Buster featured a train as did the film Under Siege 2 - Under Siege 2 starred Steven Seagal - Seagulls are most commonly found on coastal towns - Coastal rhymes with Toadstool which is a type of mushroom that Pixies sit on - The Pixies were fronted by Frank Black - Frank shares his surname with Cilla Black - Cilla Black has big teeth as does a Tyrannosaurus Rex - T Rex starred alongside other dinosaurs in the film Jurassic Park - Which links us to Jurassic Five and Concrete Schoolyard

Monday 3rd March 2003 [Posted Monday, March 3 2003 by Uglybob]

Will was back on the show. It was revealed that he was actually away on a TV directing course. He was a newcomer to TV directing and he was on the course with other directing giants such as the director of Playschool and the director of Watchdog. Will proceeded to give the team some hints on TV directing. Some of the key words were 'cue', 'go', 'cut' and 'mix'. Dave commented that it would be very complicated if you had to 'go the Go Gos'!
Friday's competition winner came on the phone. Chris said that he's pleased that Liverpool won, otherwise it would have been pointless winning the competition. Jimmy Floyd Hasslebank scored an own goal at the weekend, and Chris
said it was a cracking goal. He said that you never see spectacular own goals.
Chris was out on Friday with (some random people by the sounds of things) Jingle Justin, Jingle Dan, and Tony Byrne. Jingle Justin ended up slumped in the doorway at the end of the night, and in Chris's words Tony Byrne was bouncing off the walls. Chris was playing some of his 'polyphonic' ringtones. Chris said as well as having in-built
ringtones you can also download ringtones. He said it was a total waste of time because they sound nothing like the real song. He played Eminem's Without Me which sounded very funny, but not very much like the song. He also played 'Marching On Together' which had a really funny ending. During the next link he played Feel by Robbie Williams which sounded absolutely nothing like the real thing. Chris paid £2.50 for it!
Chris talks about the fact that because Mel C’s single only got to number 7 she may be dropped from her record label. He thinks its stupid, a top ten hit is a top ten hit. The team all take it in turns reading the top ten The Official Top 40 styley. And they naturally all screw it up.
Aled was in the Wales On Sunday. His ego will go to sky high when he is now Wales 28th Most Eligible Bachelor. Surely that should be ineligible, considering that Colin Jackson was above him. Theres a reason why Colin Jackson is single...
Derren Brown, the mind reading scary bloke, will be the guest tomorrow after 4. Will had the unfortunate task of having to sit through Boys and Girls which he started as saying wasnt bad, then it came out what he really thought after a whinge that it was a total and utter shambles of a show. Chris said that he missed the show. I saw about 10 minutes on E4. I couldnt stomach anymore, I had seen enough quite honestly. The ratings also show that people switched off as well. Only 900,000 viewers tuned in to watch Vernon Kaye amble about, Channel 5 got exactly double for their drama CSI.
Dave said that he watched Celebrity Driving School with Paul O'Grady and was mightily impressed that he crashed the car and he hadnt even got out of the drive. Will hated Jade Goody because she was on Driving School and Boys and Girls. Will for some reason was taking pictures of his arm pretending to be a bum. Chris also took pictures of his real arse during the weekend and can make it wiggle on the screen. 5 words Too Much Time On Hands.
Its time for more Clocks Interpretations
1. Tony James - Coldplay VS U2 Pride
2. Peach Media in Chesterfield - Drum N Bass Re-lick with Barking dogs
3. Dave in Basingstoke - Cold As Ice VS Clocks

Dave went through all the guff about the Comic Relief Football trip. If you really want to know about it, go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/saracox/diary/comic_relief/tour_dates1_sat.shtml

Daves Tedious Link
Blockstar - Take away the L and you get Boxstar which is make of Porsche - Porsche is from Germany as is Heidi Klum - Klum rhymes with Plum as in Plum Sauce - Plum Sauce usually gets served with Crispy Duck - Ducks like Bread - Bread can be crusty as can Students - Students drink cider - Cider is made by Woodpecker - Woodpecker is a type of bird as is a thrush - Thrush rhymes with Rush as in Rush Rush which was a hit by Paula Abdul in 1991 - Paula Abdul is from America as is ... Beastie Boys - Which links us to Beastie Boys and Fight For Your Right To Party